roughing it-第40节
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have found four gold bars would have seemed poor and cheap good luck
compared to this。
One cannot think how good a match looks under such circumstancesor how
lovable and precious； and sacredly beautiful to the eye。 This time we
gathered sticks with high hopes； and when Mr。 Ballou prepared to light
the first match； there was an amount of interest centred upon him that
pages of writing could not describe。 The match burned hopefully a
moment； and then went out。 It could not have carried more regret with it
if it had been a human life。 The next match simply flashed and died。
The wind puffed the third one out just as it was on the imminent verge of
success。 We gathered together closer than ever； and developed a
solicitude that was rapt and painful； as Mr。 Ballou scratched our last
hope on his leg。 It lit； burned blue and sickly； and then budded into a
robust flame。 Shading it with his hands； the old gentleman bent
gradually down and every heart went with himeverybody； too； for that
matterand blood and breath stood still。 The flame touched the sticks
at last； took gradual hold upon themhesitatedtook a stronger hold
hesitated againheld its breath five heart…breaking seconds； then gave a
sort of human gasp and went out。
Nobody said a word for several minutes。 It was a solemn sort of silence；
even the wind put on a stealthy； sinister quiet； and made no more noise
than the falling flakes of snow。 Finally a sad…voiced conversation
began； and it was soon apparent that in each of our hearts lay the
conviction that this was our last night with the living。 I had so hoped
that I was the only one who felt so。 When the others calmly acknowledged
their conviction； it sounded like the summons itself。 Ollendorff said：
〃Brothers； let us die together。 And let us go without one hard feeling
towards each other。 Let us forget and forgive bygones。 I know that you
have felt hard towards me for turning over the canoe； and for knowing too
much and leading you round and round in the snowbut I meant well；
forgive me。 I acknowledge freely that I have had hard feelings against
Mr。 Ballou for abusing me and calling me a logarythm； which is a thing I
do not know what； but no doubt a thing considered disgraceful and
unbecoming in America； and it has scarcely been out of my mind and has
hurt me a great dealbut let it go； I forgive Mr。 Ballou with all my
heart； and〃
Poor Ollendorff broke down and the tears came。 He was not alone； for I
was crying too； and so was Mr。 Ballou。 Ollendorff got his voice again
and forgave me for things I had done and said。 Then he got out his
bottle of whisky and said that whether he lived or died he would never
touch another drop。 He said he had given up all hope of life； and
although ill…prepared； was ready to submit humbly to his fate； that he
wished he could be spared a little longer； not for any selfish reason；
but to make a thorough reform in his character； and by devoting himself
to helping the poor； nursing the sick； and pleading with the people to
guard themselves against the evils of intemperance； make his life a
beneficent example to the young； and lay it down at last with the
precious reflection that it had not been lived in vain。 He ended by
saying that his reform should begin at this moment； even here in the
presence of death； since no longer time was to be vouchsafed wherein to
prosecute it to men's help and benefitand with that he threw away the
bottle of whisky。
Mr。 Ballou made remarks of similar purport； and began the reform he could
not live to continue； by throwing away the ancient pack of cards that had
solaced our captivity during the flood and made it bearable。
He said he never gambled； but still was satisfied that the meddling with
cards in any way was immoral and injurious； and no man could be wholly
pure and blemishless without eschewing them。 〃And therefore；〃 continued
he； 〃in doing this act I already feel more in sympathy with that
spiritual saturnalia necessary to entire and obsolete reform。〃 These
rolling syllables touched him as no intelligible eloquence could have
done； and the old man sobbed with a mournfulness not unmingled with
satisfaction。
My own remarks were of the same tenor as those of my comrades； and I know
that the feelings that prompted them were heartfelt and sincere。 We were
all sincere； and all deeply moved and earnest； for we were in the
presence of death and without hope。 I threw away my pipe； and in doing
it felt that at last I was free of a hated vice and one that had ridden
me like a tyrant all my days。 While I yet talked； the thought of the
good I might have done in the world and the still greater good I might
now do； with these new incentives and higher and better aims to guide me
if I could only be spared a few years longer； overcame me and the tears
came again。 We put our arms about each other's necks and awaited the
warning drowsiness that precedes death by freezing。
It came stealing over us presently； and then we bade each other a last
farewell。 A delicious dreaminess wrought its web about my yielding
senses； while the snow…flakes wove a winding sheet about my conquered
body。 Oblivion came。 The battle of life was done。
CHAPTER XXXIII。
I do not know how long I was in a state of forgetfulness； but it seemed
an age。 A vague consciousness grew upon me by degrees； and then came a
gathering anguish of pain in my limbs and through all my body。 I
shuddered。 The thought flitted through my brain； 〃this is deaththis is
the hereafter。〃
Then came a white upheaval at my side； and a voice said； with bitterness：
〃Will some gentleman be so good as to kick me behind？〃
It was Ballouat least it was a towzled snow image in a sitting posture；
with Ballou's voice。
I rose up； and there in the gray dawn； not fifteen steps from us； were
the frame buildings of a stage station； and under a shed stood our still
saddled and bridled horses！
An arched snow…drift broke up； now； and Ollendorff emerged from it； and
the three of us sat and stared at the houses without speaking a word。
We really had nothing to say。 We were like the profane man who could not
〃do the subject justice；〃 the whole situation was so painfully ridiculous
and humiliating that words were tame and we did not know where to
commence anyhow。
The joy in our hearts at our deliverance was poisoned； well…nigh
dissipated； indeed。 We presently began to grow pettish by degrees； and
sullen； and then； angry at each other； angry at ourselves； angry at
everything in general； we moodily dusted the snow from our clothing and
in unsociable single file plowed our way to the horses； unsaddled them；
and sought shelter in the station。
I have scarcely exaggerated a detail of this curious and absurd
adventure。 It occurred almost exactly as I have stated it。 We actually
went into camp in a snow…drift in a desert； at midnight in a storm；
forlorn and hopeless； within fifteen steps of a comfortable inn。
For two hours we sat apart in the station and ruminated in disgust。
The mystery was gone； now； and it was plain enough why the horses had
deserted us。 Without a doubt they were under that shed a quarter of a
minute after they had left us； and they must have overheard and enjoyed
all our confessions and lamentations。
After breakfast we felt better； and the zest of life soon came back。
The world looked bright again； and existence was as dear to us as ever。
Presently an uneasiness came over megrew upon meassailed me without
ceasing。 Alas； my regeneration was not completeI wanted to smoke！
I resisted with all my strength； but the flesh was weak。 I wandered away
alone and wrestled with myself an hour。 I recalled my promises of reform
and preached to myself persuasively； upbraidingly； exhaustively。 But it
was all vain； I shortly found myself sneaking among the snow…drifts
hunting for my pipe。 I discovered it after a considerable search； and
crept away to hide myself and enjoy it。 I remained behind the barn a
good while； asking myself how I would feel if my braver； stronger； truer
comrades should catch me in my degradation。 At last I lit the pipe； and
no human being can feel meaner and baser than I did then。 I was ashamed
of being in my own pitiful company。 Still dreading discovery； I felt
that perhaps the further side of the barn would be somewhat safer； and so
I turned the corner。 As I turned the one corner； smoking； Ollendorff
turned the other with his bottle to his lips； and between us sat
unconscious Ballou deep in a game of 〃solitaire〃 with the old greasy
cards！
Absurdity could go no farther。 We shook hands and agreed to say no more
about 〃reform〃 and 〃examples to the rising generation。〃
The station we were at was at the verge of the Twenty…six…Mile Desert。
If we had approached it half an hour earlier the night before； we must
have heard men shouting there and firing pistols； for they were expecting
some sheep drovers and their flocks and knew that they would infallibly
get lost and wander out of reach of help unless guided by sounds。
While we remained at the station； three of the drovers arrived； nearly
exhausted with their wanderings； but two other
