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The　Complete　Writings　of　Charles　Dudley　Warner　Volume　4

by　Charles　Dudley　Warner




CONTENTS：

BEING　A　BOY
ON　HORSEBACK




BEING　A　BOY

One　of　the　best　things　in　the　world　to　be　is　a　boy；　it　requires　no　experience；　though　it　needs　some　practice　to　be　a　good　one。　　The　disadvantage　of　the　position　is　that　it　does　not　last　long　enough；　it　is　soon　over；　just　as　you　get　used　to　being　a　boy；　you　have　to　be　something　else；　with　a　good　deal　more　work　to　do　and　not　half　so　much　fun。　　And　yet　every　boy　is　anxious　to　be　a　man；　and　is　very　uneasy　with　the　restrictions　that　are　put　upon　him　as　a　boy。　　Good　fun　as　it　is　to　yoke　up　the　calves　and　play　work；　there　is　not　a　boy　on　a　farm　but　would　rather　drive　a　yoke　of　oxen　at　real　work。　　What　a　glorious　feeling　it　is；　indeed；　when　a　boy　is　for　the　first　time　given　the　long　whip　and　permitted　to　drive　the　oxen；　walking　by　their　side；　swinging　the　long　lash；　and　shouting　〃Gee；　Buck！〃　　〃　Haw；　Golden！〃　〃Whoa；　Bright！〃　and　all　the　rest　of　that　remarkable　language；　until　he　is　red　in　the　face；　and　all　the　neighbors　for　half　a　mile　are　aware　that　something　unusual　is　going　on。　　If　I　were　a　boy；　I　am　not　sure　but　I　would　rather　drive　the　oxen　than　have　a　birthday。　The　proudest　day　of　my　life　was　one　day　when　I　rode　on　the　neap　of　the　cart；　and　drove　the　oxen；　all　alone；　with　a　load　of　apples　to　the　cider…mill。　　I　was　so　little　that　it　was　a　wonder　that　I　did　n't　fall　off；　and　get　under　the　broad　wheels。　　Nothing　could　make　a　boy；　who　cared　anything　for　his　appearance；　feel　flatter　than　to　be　run　over　by　the　broad　tire　of　a　cart…wheel。　　But　I　never　heard　of　one　who　was；　and　I　don't　believe　one　ever　will　be。　　As　I　said；　it　was　a　great　day　for　me；　but　I　don't　remember　that　the　oxen　cared　much　about　it。　　They　sagged　along　in　their　great　clumsy　way；　switching　their　tails　in　my　face　occasionally；　and　now　and　then　giving　a　lurch　to　this　or　that　side　of　the　road；　attracted　by　a　choice　tuft　of　grass。　　And　then　I　〃came　the　Julius　Caesar〃　over　them；　if　you　will　allow　me　to　use　such　a　slang　expression；　a　liberty　I　never　should　permit　you。　　I　don't　know　that　Julius　Caesar　ever　drove　cattle；　though　he　must　often　have　seen　the　peasants　from　the　Campagna　〃haw〃　and　〃gee〃　them　round　the　Forum　（of　course　in　Latin；　a　language　that　those　cattle　understood　as　well　as　ours　do　English）；　but　what　I　mean　is；　that　I　stood　up　and　〃hollered〃　with　all　my　might；　as　everybody　does　with　oxen；　as　if　they　were　born　deaf；　and　whacked　them　with　the　long　lash　over　the　head；　just　as　the　big　folks　did　when　they　drove。　　I　think　now　that　it　was　a　cowardly　thing　to　crack　the　patient　old　fellows　over　the　face　and　eyes；　and　make　them　wink　in　their　meek　manner。　　If　I　am　ever　a　boy　again　on　a　farm；　I　shall　speak　gently　to　the　oxen；　and　not　go　screaming　round　the　farm　like　a　crazy　man；　and　I　shall　not　hit　them　a　cruel　cut　with　the　lash　every　few　minutes；　because　it　looks　big　to　do　so　and　I　cannot　think　of　anything　else　to　do。　　I　never　liked　lickings　myself；　and　I　don't　know　why　an　ox　should　like　them；　especially　as　he　cannot　reason　about　the　moral　improvement　he　is　to　get　out　of　them。

Speaking　of　Latin　reminds　me　that　I　once　taught　my　cows　Latin。　　I　don't　mean　that　I　taught　them　to　read　it；　for　it　is　very　difficult　to　teach　a　cow　to　read　Latin　or　any　of　the　dead　languages；a　cow　cares　more　for　her　cud　than　she　does　for　all　the　classics　put　together。　But　if　you　begin　early；　you　can　teach　a　cow；　or　a　calf　（if　you　can　teach　a　calf　anything；　which　I　doubt）；　Latin　as　well　as　English。　There　were　ten　cows；　which　I　had　to　escort　to　and　from　pasture　night　and　morning。　　To　these　cows　I　gave　the　names　of　the　Roman　numerals；　beginning　with　Unus　and　Duo；　and　going　up　to　Decem。　　Decem　was；　of　course；　the　biggest　cow　of　the　party；　or　at　least　she　was　the　ruler　of　the　others；　and　had　the　place　of　honor　in　the　stable　and　everywhere　else。　　I　admire　cows；　and　especially　the　exactness　with　which　they　define　their　social　position。　　In　this　case；　Decem　could　〃lick〃　Novem；　and　Novem　could　〃lick〃　Octo；　and　so　on　down　to　Unus；　who　could　n't　lick　anybody；　except　her　own　calf。　　I　suppose　I　ought　to　have　called　the　weakest　cow　Una　instead　of　Unus；　considering　her　sex；　but　I　did　n't　care　much　to　teach　the　cows　the　declensions　of　adjectives；　in　which　I　was　not　very　well　up　myself；　and；　besides；　it　would　be　of　little　use　to　a　cow。　　People　who　devote　themselves　too　severely　to　study　of　the　classics　are　apt　to　become　dried　up；　and　you　should　never　do　anything　to　dry　up　a　cow。　　Well；　these　ten　cows　knew　their　names　after　a　while；　at　least　they　appeared　to；　and　would　take　their　places　as　I　called　them。　　At　least；　if　Octo　attempted　to　get　before　Novem　in　going　through　the　bars　（I　have　heard　people　speak　of　a　〃pair　of　bars〃　when　there　were　six　or　eight　of　them）；　or　into　the　stable；　the　matter　of　precedence　was　settled　then　and　there；　and；　once　settled；　there　was　no　dispute　about　it　afterwards。　　Novem　either　put　her　horns　into　Octo's　ribs；　and　Octo　shambled　to　one　side；　or　else　the　two　locked　horns　and　tried　the　game　of　push　and　gore　until　one　gave　up。　　Nothing　is　stricter　than　the　etiquette　of　a　party　of　cows。　　There　is　nothing　in　royal　courts　equal　to　it；　rank　is　exactly　settled；　and　the　same　individuals　always　have　the　precedence。　　You　know　that　at　Windsor　Castle；　if　the　Royal　Three…Ply　Silver　Stick　should　happen　to　get　in　front　of　the　Most　Royal　Double…and…Twisted　Golden　Rod；　when　the　court　is　going　in　to　dinner；　something　so　dreadful　would　happen　that　we　don't　dare　to　think　of　it。　　It　is　certain　that　the　soup　would　get　cold　while　the　Golden　Rod　was　pitching　the　Silver　Stick　out　of　the　Castle　window　into　the　moat；　and　perhaps　the　island　of　Great　Britain　itself　would　split　in　two。　　But　the　people　are　very　careful　that　it　never　shall　happen；　so　we　shall　probably　never　know　what　the　effect　would　be。　　Among　cows；　as　I　say；　the　question　is　settled　in　short　order；　and　in　a　different　manner　from　what　it　sometimes　is　in　other　society。　　It　is　said　that　in　other　society　there　is　sometimes　a　great　scramble　for　the　first　place；　for　the　leadership；　as　it　is　called；　and　that　women；　and　men　too；　fight　for　what　is　called　position；　and　in　order　to　be　first　they　will　injure　their　neighbors　by　telling　stories　about　them　and　by　backbiting；　which　is　the　meanest　kind　of　biting　there　is；　not　excepting　the　bite　of　fleas。　　But　in　cow　society　there　is　nothing　of　this　detraction　in　order　to　get　the　first　place　at　the　crib；　or　the　farther　stall　in　the　stable。　　If　the　question　arises；　the　cows　turn　in；　horns　and　all；　and　settle　it　with　one　square　fight；　and　that　ends　it。　　I　have　often　admired　this　trait　in　COWS。

Besides　Latin；　I　used　to　try　to　teach　the　cows　a　little　poetry；　and　it　is　a　very　good　plan。　　It　does　not　do　the　cows　much　good；　but　it　is　very　good　exercise　for　a　boy　farmer。　　I　used　to　commit　to　memory　as　good　short　poems　as　I　could　find　（the　cows　liked　to　listen　to　〃Thanatopsis〃　about　as　well　as　anything）；　and　repeat　them　when　I　went　to　the　pasture；　and　as　I　drove　the　cows　home　through　the　sweet　ferns　and　down　the　rocky　slopes。　　It　improves　a　boy's　elocution　a　great　deal　more　than　driving　oxen。

It　is　a　fact；　also；　that　if　a　boy　repeats　〃Thanatopsis〃　while　he　is　milking；　that　operation　acquires　a　certain　dignity。




II

THE　BOY　AS　A　FARMER

Boys　in　general　would　be　very　good　farmers　if　the　current　notions　about　farming　were　not　so　very　different　from　those　they　entertain。　What　passes　for　laziness　is　very　often　an　unwillingness　to　farm　in　a　particular　way。　　For　instance；　some　morning　in　early　summer　John　is　told　to　catch　the　sorrel　mare；　harness　her　into　the　spring　wagon；　and　put　in　the　buffalo　and　the　best　whip；　for　father　is　obliged　to　drive　over　to　the　〃Corners；　to　see　a　man〃　about　some　cattle；　to　talk　with　the　road　commissioner；　to　go　to　the　store　for　the　〃women　folks；〃　and　to　attend　to　other　important　business；　and　very　likely　he　will　not　be　back　till　sundown。　　It　must　be　very　pressing　business；　for　the　old　gentleman　drives　off　in　this　way　somewhere　almost　every　pleasant　day；　and　appears　to　have　a　great　deal　on　his　mind。

Meantime；　he　tells　John　that　he　can　play　ball　after　he　has　done　up　the　chores。　　As　if　the　chores　could　ever　be　〃done　up〃　on　a　farm。　　He　is　first　to　clean　out　the　horse…stable；　then　to　take　a　bill…hook　and　cut　down　the　thistles　and　weeds　from　the　fence　corners　in　the　home　mowing…lot　and　along　the　road　towards　the　village；　to　dig　up　the　docks　round　the　garden　patch；　to　weed　out　the　beet…bed；　to　hoe　the　early　potatoes；　to　rake　the　sticks　and　leaves　out　of　the　front　yard；　in　short；　there　is　work　enough　laid　out　for　John　to　keep　him　busy；　it　seems　to　him；　till　he　comes　of　age；　and　at　half　an　hour　to　sundown　he　is　to　go　for　the　cows　〃and　mind　he　don't　run　'em！〃

〃Yes；　sir；〃　says　John；〃　is　that　all？〃

〃Well；　if　you　get　through　in　good　season；　you　might　pick　over　those　potatoes　in　the　cellar；　they　are　sprouting；　they　ain't　fit　to　eat。〃

John　is　obliged　to　his　father；　for　if　there　is　any　sort　of　chore　more　cheerful　to　a　boy　than　another；　on　a　pleasant　day；　it　is　rubbing　the　sprouts　off　potatoes　in　a　dark　cellar。　　And　the　old　gentleman　mounts　his　wagon　and　drives　away　down　the　enticing　road；　with　the　dog　bounding　along　beside　the　wagon；　and　refusing　to