confessions of an english opium-eater-第14节

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of　ladies　in　the　straw；　〃as　well　as　can　be　expected。〃　　In　fact；　if　I　dared　to　say　the　real　and　simple　truth；　though；　to　satisfy　the　theories　of　medical　men；　I　OUGHT　to　be　ill；　I　never　was　better　in　my　life　than　in　the　spring　of　1812；　and　I　hope　sincerely　that　the　quantity　of　claret；　port；　or　〃particular　Madeira；〃　which　in　all　probability　you；　good　reader；　have　taken；　and　design　to　take　for　every　term　of　eight　years　during　your　natural　life；　may　as　little　disorder　your　health　as　mine　was　disordered　by　the　opium　I　had　taken　for　eight　years；　between　1804　and　1812。　　Hence　you　may　see　again　the　danger　of　taking　any　medical　advice　from　Anastasius；　in　divinity；　for　aught　I　know；　or　law；　he　may　be　a　safe　counsellor；　but　not　in　medicine。　　No；　it　is　far　better　to　consult　Dr。　Buchan；　as　I　did；　for　I　never　forgot　that　worthy　man's　excellent　suggestion；　and　I　was　〃particularly　careful　not　to　take　above　five…　and…twenty　ounces　of　laudanum。〃　　To　this　moderation　and　temperate　use　of　the　article　I　may　ascribe　it；　I　suppose；　that　as　yet；　at　least　（i。e。　in　1812）；　I　am　ignorant　and　unsuspicious　of　the　avenging　terrors　which　opium　has　in　store　for　those　who　abuse　its　lenity。　　At　the　same　time；　it　must　not　be　forgotten　that　hitherto　I　have　been　only　a　dilettante　eater　of　opium；　eight　years'　practice　even；　with　a　single　precaution　of　allowing　sufficient　intervals　between　every　indulgence；　has　not　been　sufficient　to　make　opium　necessary　to　me　as　an　article　of　daily　diet。　　But　now　comes　a　different　era。　　Move　on；　if　you　please；　reader；　to　1813。　　In　the　summer　of　the　year　we　have　just　quitted　I　have　suffered　much　in　bodily　health　from　distress　of　mind　connected　with　a　very　melancholy　event。　　This　event　being　no　ways　related　to　the　subject　now　before　me；　further　than　through　the　bodily　illness　which　it　produced；　I　need　not　more　particularly　notice。　　Whether　this　illness　of　1812　had　any　share　in　that　of　1813　I　know　not；　but　so　it　was；　that　in　the　latter　year　I　was　attacked　by　a　most　appalling　irritation　of　the　stomach；　in　all　respects　the　same　as　that　which　had　caused　me　so　much　suffering　in　youth；　and　accompanied　by　a　revival　of　all　the　old　dreams。　　This　is　the　point　of　my　narrative　on　which；　as　respects　my　own　self…justification；　the　whole　of　what　follows　may　be　said　to　hinge。　　And　here　I　find　myself　in　a　perplexing　dilemma。　　Either；　on　the　one　hand；　I　must　exhaust　the　reader's　patience　by　such　a　detail　of　my　malady；　or　of　my　struggles　with　it；　as　might　suffice　to　establish　the　fact　of　my　inability　to　wrestle　any　longer　with　irritation　and　constant　suffering；　or；　on　the　other　hand；　by　passing　lightly　over　this　critical　part　of　my　story；　I　must　forego　the　benefit　of　a　stronger　impression　left　on　the　mind　of　the　reader；　and　must　lay　myself　open　to　the　misconstruction　of　having　slipped；　by　the　easy　and　gradual　steps　of　self…indulging　persons；　from　the　first　to　the　final　stage　of　opium…eating　（a　misconstruction　to　which　there　will　be　a　lurking　predisposition　in　most　readers；　from　my　previous　acknowledgements）。　This　is　the　dilemma；　the　first　horn　of　which　would　be　sufficient　to　toss　and　gore　any　column　of　patient　readers；　though　drawn　up　sixteen　deep　and　constantly　relieved　by　fresh　men；　consequently　that　is　not　to　be　thought　of。　　It　remains；　then；　that　I　POSTULALE　so　much　as　is　necessary　for　my　purpose。　　And　let　me　take　as　full　credit　for　what　I　postulate　as　if　I　had　demonstrated　it；　good　reader；　at　the　expense　of　your　patience　and　my　own。　　Be　not　so　ungenerous　as　to　let　me　suffer　in　your　good　opinion　through　my　own　forbearance　and　regard　for　your　comfort。　　No；　believe　all　that　I　ask　of　youviz。；　that　I　could　resist　no　longer；　believe　it　liberally　and　as　an　act　of　grace；　or　else　in　mere　prudence；　for　if　not；　then　in　the　next　edition　of　my　Opium　Confessions；　revised　and　enlarged；　I　will　make　you　believe　and　tremble；　and　a　force　d'ennuyer；　by　mere　dint　of　pandiculation　I　will　terrify　all　readers　of　mine　from　ever　again　questioning　any　postulate　that　I　shall　think　fit　to　make。

This；　then；　let　me　repeat；　I　postulatethat　at　the　time　I　began　to　take　opium　daily　I　could　not　have　done　otherwise。　　Whether；　indeed；　afterwards　I　might　not　have　succeeded　in　breaking　off　the　habit；　even　when　it　seemed　to　me　that　all　efforts　would　be　unavailing；　and　whether　many　of　the　innumerable　efforts　which　I　did　make　might　not　have　been　carried　much　further；　and　my　gradual　reconquests　of　ground　lost　might　not　have　been　followed　up　much　more　energeticallythese　are　questions　which　I　must　decline。　　Perhaps　I　might　make　out　a　case　of　palliation；　but　shall　I　speak　ingenuously？　　I　confess　it；　as　a　besetting　infirmity　of　mine；　that　I　am　too　much　of　an　Eudaemonist；　I　hanker　too　much　after　a　state　of　happiness；　both　for　myself　and　others；　I　cannot　face　misery；　whether　my　own　or　not；　with　an　eye　of　sufficient　firmness；　and　am　little　capable　of　encountering　present　pain　for　the　sake　of　any　reversionary　benefit。　　On　some　other　matters　I　can　agree　with　the　gentlemen　in　the　cotton　trade　｛15｝　at　Manchester　in　affecting　the　Stoic　philosophy；　but　not　in　this。　　Here　I　take　the　liberty　of　an　Eclectic　philosopher；　and　I　look　out　for　some　courteous　and　considerate　sect　that　will　condescend　more　to　the　infirm　condition　of　an　opium…eater；　that　are　〃sweet　men；〃　as　Chaucer　says；　〃to　give　absolution；〃　and　will　show　some　conscience　in　the　penances　they　inflict；　and　the　efforts　of　abstinence　they　exact　from　poor　sinners　like　myself。　　An　inhuman　moralist　I　can　no　more　endure　in　my　nervous　state　than　opium　that　has　not　been　boiled。　　At　any　rate；　he　who　summons　me　to　send　out　a　large　freight　of　self…denial　and　mortification　upon　any　cruising　voyage　of　moral　improvement；　must　make　it　clear　to　my　understanding　that　the　concern　is　a　hopeful　one。　　At　my　time　of　life　（six…and…thirty　years　of　age）　it　cannot　be　supposed　that　I　have　much　energy　to　spare；　in　fact；　I　find　it　all　little　enough　for　the　intellectual　labours　I　have　on　my　hands；　and　therefore　let　no　man　expect　to　frighten　me　by　a　few　hard　words　into　embarking　any　part　of　it　upon　desperate　adventures　of　morality。

Whether　desperate　or　not；　however；　the　issue　of　the　struggle　in　1813　was　what　I　have　mentioned；　and　from　this　date　the　reader　is　to　consider　me　as　a　regular　and　confirmed　opium…eater；　of　whom　to　ask　whether　on　any　particular　day　he　had　or　had　not　taken　opium；　would　be　to　ask　whether　his　lungs　had　performed　respiration；　or　the　heart　fulfilled　its　functions。　　You　understand　now；　reader；　what　I　am；　and　you　are　by　this　time　aware　that　no　old　gentleman　〃with　a　snow…white　beard〃　will　have　any　chance　of　persuading　me　to　surrender　〃the　little　golden　receptacle　of　the　pernicious　drug。〃　　No；　I　give　notice　to　all；　whether　moralists　or　surgeons；　that　whatever　be　their　pretensions　and　skill　in　their　respective　lines　of　practice；　they　must　not　hope　for　any　countenance　from　me；　if　they　think　to　begin　by　any　savage　proposition　for　a　Lent　or　a　Ramadan　of　abstinence　from　opium。　　This；　then；　being　all　fully　understood　between　us；　we　shall　in　future　sail　before　the　wind。　　Now　then；　reader；　from　1813；　where　all　this　time　we　have　been　sitting　down　and　loitering；　rise　up；　if　you　please；　and　walk　forward　about　three　years　more。　　Now　draw　up　the　curtain；　and　you　shall　see　me　in　a　new　character。

If　any　man；　poor　or　rich；　were　to　say　that　he　would　tell　us　what　had　been　the　happiest　day　in　his　life；　and　the　why　and　the　wherefore；　I　suppose　that　we　should　all　cry　outHear　him！　　Hear　him！　　As　to　the　happiest　DAY；　that　must　be　very　difficult　for　any　wise　man　to　name；　because　any　event　that　could　occupy　so　distinguished　a　place　in　a　man's　retrospect　of　his　life；　or　be　entitled　to　have　shed　a　special　felicity　on　any　one　day；　ought　to　be　of　such　an　enduring　character　as　that　（accidents　apart）　it　should　have　continued　to　shed　the　same　felicity；　or　one　not　distinguishably　less；　on　many　years　together。　To　the　happiest　LUSTRUM；　however；　or　even　to　the　happiest　YEAR；　it　may　be　allowed　to　any　man　to　point　without　discountenance　from　wisdom。　　This　year；　in　my　case；　reader；　was　the　one　which　we　have　now　reached；　though　it　stood；　I　confess；　as　a　parenthesis　between　years　of　a　gloomier　character。　　It　was　a　year　of　brilliant　water　（to　speak　after　the　manner　of　jewellers）；　set　as　it　were；　and　insulated；　in　the　gloom　and　cloudy　melancholy　of　opium。　　Strange　as　it　may　sound；　I　had　a　little　before　this　time　descended　suddenly；　and　without　any　considerable　effort；　from　320　grains　of　opium　（i。e。　eight　｛16｝　thousand　drops　of　laudanum）　per　day；　to　forty　grains；　or　one…eighth　part。　　Instantaneously；　and　as　if　by　magic；　the　cloud　of　profoundest　melancholy　which　rested　upon　my　brain；　like　some　black　vapours　that　I　have　seen　roll　away　from　the　summits　of　mountains；　drew　off　in　one　day　（＇Greek　text＇）；　passed　off　with　its　murky　banners　as　simultaneously　as　a　ship　that　has　been　stranded；　and　is　floated　off　by　a　spring　tide　…


That　moveth　altogether；　if　it　move　at　all。


Now；　then；　I　was　again　happy；　I　now　took　only　1000　drops　of　laudanum　per　day；　and　what　was　that？　　A　latter　spring　had　come　to　close　up　the　season　of　youth；　my　brain　performed　its　functions　as　healthily　as　ever　before；　I　read　Kant　again；　and　again　I　understood　him；　or　fancied　that　I　did。　　Again　my　feelings　of　pleasure　expanded　themselves　to　all