mark twain, a biography, 1900-1907-µÚ46½Ú
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introduced¡¡me¡¡to¡¡the¡¡Democrats£»¡¡and¡¡John¡¡D¡£¡¡Long£»¡¡afterward¡¡Secretary¡¡of
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why¡¡be¡¡clad¡¡in¡¡funeral¡¡garments£¿¡¡¡¡I¡¡should¡¡like¡¡to¡¡dress¡¡in¡¡a¡¡loose¡¡and
flowing¡¡costume¡¡made¡¡all¡¡of¡¡silks¡¡and¡¡velvets¡¡resplendent¡¡with¡¡stunning
dyes£»¡¡and¡¡so¡¡would¡¡every¡¡man¡¡I¡¡have¡¡ever¡¡known£»¡¡but¡¡none¡¡of¡¡us¡¡dares¡¡to
venture¡¡it¡£¡¡¡¡If¡¡I¡¡should¡¡appear¡¡on¡¡Fifth¡¡Avenue¡¡on¡¡a¡¡Sunday¡¡morning
clothed¡¡as¡¡I¡¡would¡¡like¡¡to¡¡be¡¡clothed¡¡the¡¡churches¡¡would¡¡all¡¡be¡¡vacant
and¡¡the¡¡congregation¡¡would¡¡come¡¡tagging¡¡after¡¡me¡£¡¡¡¡They¡¡would¡¡scoff£»¡¡of
course£»¡¡but¡¡they¡¡would¡¡envy¡¡me£»¡¡too¡£¡¡¡¡When¡¡I¡¡put¡¡on¡¡black¡¡it¡¡reminds¡¡me
of¡¡my¡¡funerals¡£¡¡¡¡I¡¡could¡¡be¡¡satisfied¡¡with¡¡white¡¡all¡¡the¡¡year¡¡round¡£¡¨
It¡¡was¡¡not¡¡long¡¡after¡¡this¡¡that¡¡he¡¡said£º
¡¨I¡¡have¡¡made¡¡up¡¡my¡¡mind¡¡not¡¡to¡¡wear¡¡black¡¡any¡¡more£»¡¡but¡¡white£»¡¡and¡¡let
the¡¡critics¡¡say¡¡what¡¡they¡¡will¡£¡¨
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ordered£»¡¡made¡¡with¡¡the¡¡short¡¡coats£»¡¡which¡¡he¡¡preferred£»¡¡with¡¡a¡¡gray¡¡suit
or¡¡two¡¡for¡¡travel£»¡¡and¡¡he¡¡did¡¡not¡¡wear¡¡black¡¡again£»¡¡except¡¡for¡¡evening
dress¡¡and¡¡on¡¡special¡¡occasions¡£¡¡¡¡It¡¡was¡¡a¡¡gratifying¡¡change£»¡¡and¡¡though
the¡¡newspapers¡¡made¡¡much¡¡of¡¡it£»¡¡there¡¡was¡¡no¡¡one¡¡who¡¡was¡¡not¡¡gladdened¡¡by
the¡¡beauty¡¡of¡¡his¡¡garments¡¡and¡¡their¡¡general¡¡harmony¡¡with¡¡his¡¡person¡£¡¡¡¡He
had¡¡never¡¡worn¡¡anything¡¡so¡¡appropriate¡¡or¡¡so¡¡impressive¡£
This¡¡departure¡¡of¡¡costume¡¡came¡¡along¡¡a¡¡week¡¡or¡¡two¡¡before¡¡the¡¡Washington
trip£»¡¡and¡¡when¡¡his¡¡bags¡¡were¡¡being¡¡packed¡¡for¡¡the¡¡excursion¡¡he¡¡was
somewhat¡¡in¡¡doubt¡¡as¡¡to¡¡the¡¡propriety¡¡of¡¡bursting¡¡upon¡¡Washington¡¡in
December¡¡in¡¡that¡¡snowy¡¡plumage¡£¡¡¡¡I¡¡ventured£º
¡¨This¡¡is¡¡a¡¡lobbying¡¡expedition¡¡of¡¡a¡¡peculiar¡¡kind£»¡¡and¡¡does¡¡not¡¡seem¡¡to
invite¡¡any¡¡half¡way¡¡measures¡£¡¡¡¡I¡¡should¡¡vote¡¡in¡¡favor¡¡of¡¡the¡¡white¡¡suit¡£¡¨
I¡¡think¡¡Miss¡¡Clemens¡¡was¡¡for¡¡it£»¡¡too¡£¡¡¡¡She¡¡must¡¡have¡¡been¡¡or¡¡the¡¡vote
wouldn't¡¡have¡¡carried£»¡¡though¡¡it¡¡was¡¡clear¡¡he¡¡strongly¡¡favored¡¡the¡¡idea¡£¡¡
At¡¡all¡¡events£»¡¡the¡¡white¡¡suits¡¡came¡¡along¡£
We¡¡were¡¡off¡¡the¡¡following¡¡afternoon£º¡¡Howells£»¡¡Robert¡¡Underwood¡¡Johnson£»
one¡¡of¡¡the¡¡Appletons£»¡¡one¡¡of¡¡the¡¡Putnams£»¡¡George¡¡Bowker£»¡¡and¡¡others¡¡were
on¡¡the¡¡train¡£¡¡¡¡On¡¡the¡¡trip¡¡down¡¡in¡¡the¡¡dining¡car¡¡there¡¡was¡¡a¡¡discussion¡¡
concerning¡¡the¡¡copyrighting¡¡of¡¡ideas£»¡¡which¡¡finally¡¡resolved¡¡itself¡¡into
the¡¡possibility¡¡of¡¡originating¡¡a¡¡new¡¡one¡£¡¡¡¡Clemens¡¡said£º
¡¨There¡¡is¡¡no¡¡such¡¡thing¡¡as¡¡a¡¡new¡¡idea¡£¡¡¡¡It¡¡is¡¡impossible¡£¡¡¡¡We¡¡simply¡¡take
a¡¡lot¡¡of¡¡old¡¡ideas¡¡and¡¡put¡¡them¡¡into¡¡a¡¡sort¡¡of¡¡mental¡¡kaleidoscope¡£¡¡¡¡We
give¡¡them¡¡a¡¡turn¡¡and¡¡they¡¡make¡¡new¡¡and¡¡curious¡¡combinations¡£¡¡¡¡We¡¡keep¡¡on
turning¡¡and¡¡making¡¡new¡¡combinations¡¡indefinitely£»¡¡but¡¡they¡¡are¡¡the¡¡same
old¡¡pieces¡¡of¡¡colored¡¡glass¡¡that¡¡have¡¡been¡¡in¡¡use¡¡through¡¡all¡¡the¡¡ages¡£¡¨
We¡¡put¡¡up¡¡at¡¡the¡¡Willard£»¡¡and¡¡in¡¡the¡¡morning¡¡drove¡¡over¡¡to¡¡the
Congressional¡¡Library£»¡¡where¡¡the¡¡copyright¡¡hearing¡¡was¡¡in¡¡progress¡£¡¡
There¡¡was¡¡a¡¡joint¡¡committee¡¡of¡¡the¡¡two¡¡Houses¡¡seated¡¡round¡¡a¡¡long¡¡table
at¡¡work£»¡¡and¡¡a¡¡number¡¡of¡¡spectators¡¡more¡¡or¡¡less¡¡interested¡¡in¡¡the¡¡bill£»
mainly£»¡¡it¡¡would¡¡seem£»¡¡men¡¡concerned¡¡with¡¡the¡¡protection¡¡of¡¡mechanical
music¡rolls¡£¡¡¡¡The¡¡fact¡¡that¡¡this¡¡feature¡¡was¡¡mixed¡¡up¡¡with¡¡literature¡¡was
not¡¡viewed¡¡with¡¡favor¡¡by¡¡most¡¡of¡¡the¡¡writers¡£¡¡¡¡Clemens¡¡referred¡¡to¡¡the
musical¡¡contingent¡¡as¡¡¡¨those¡¡hand¡organ¡¡men¡¡who¡¡ought¡¡to¡¡have¡¡a¡¡bill¡¡of
their¡¡own¡£¡¨
I¡¡should¡¡mention¡¡that¡¡early¡¡that¡¡morning¡¡Clemens¡¡had¡¡written¡¡this¡¡letter
to¡¡Speaker¡¡Cannon£º
December¡¡7£»¡¡1906¡£
DEAR¡¡UNCLE¡¡JOSEPH£»Please¡¡get¡¡me¡¡the¡¡thanks¡¡of¡¡the¡¡Congressnot¡¡next
week£»¡¡but¡¡right¡¡away¡£¡¡¡¡It¡¡is¡¡very¡¡necessary¡£¡¡¡¡Do¡¡accomplish¡¡this¡¡for¡¡your
affectionate¡¡old¡¡friend¡¡right¡¡away£»¡¡by¡¡persuasion£»¡¡if¡¡you¡¡can£»¡¡by
violence£»¡¡if¡¡you¡¡must£»¡¡for¡¡it¡¡is¡¡imperatively¡¡necessary¡¡that¡¡I¡¡get¡¡on¡¡the
floor¡¡for¡¡two¡¡or¡¡three¡¡hours¡¡and¡¡talk¡¡to¡¡the¡¡members£»¡¡man¡¡by¡¡man£»¡¡in
behalf¡¡of¡¡the¡¡support£»¡¡encouragement£»¡¡and¡¡protection¡¡of¡¡one¡¡of¡¡the
nation's¡¡most¡¡valuable¡¡assets¡¡and¡¡industriesits¡¡literature¡£¡¡¡¡I¡¡have
arguments¡¡with¡¡me£»¡¡also¡¡a¡¡barrel¡¡with¡¡liquid¡¡in¡¡it¡£
Give¡¡me¡¡a¡¡chance¡£¡¡¡¡Get¡¡me¡¡the¡¡thanks¡¡of¡¡Congress¡£¡¡¡¡Don't¡¡wait¡¡for¡¡others
there¡¡isn't¡¡time¡£¡¡¡¡I¡¡have¡¡stayed¡¡away¡¡and¡¡let¡¡Congress¡¡alone¡¡for
seventy¡one¡¡years¡¡and¡¡I¡¡am¡¡entitled¡¡to¡¡thanks¡£¡¡¡¡Congress¡¡knows¡¡it
perfectly¡¡well£»¡¡and¡¡I¡¡have¡¡long¡¡felt¡¡hurt¡¡that¡¡this¡¡quite¡¡proper¡¡and
earned¡¡expression¡¡of¡¡gratitude¡¡has¡¡been¡¡merely¡¡felt¡¡by¡¡the¡¡House¡¡and
never¡¡publicly¡¡uttered¡£¡¡¡¡Send¡¡me¡¡an¡¡order¡¡on¡¡the¡¡Sergeant¡at¡Arms¡¡quick¡£¡¡
When¡¡shall¡¡I¡¡come£¿¡¡¡¡
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¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡MARK¡¡TWAIN¡£
We¡¡went¡¡over¡¡to¡¡the¡¡Capitol¡¡now¡¡to¡¡deliver¡¡to¡¡¡¨Uncle¡¡Joe¡¨¡¡this
characteristic¡¡letter¡£¡¡¡¡We¡¡had¡¡picked¡¡up¡¡Clemens's¡¡nephew£»¡¡Samuel¡¡E¡£¡¡
Moffett£»¡¡at¡¡the¡¡Library£»¡¡and¡¡he¡¡came¡¡along¡¡and¡¡led¡¡the¡¡way¡¡to¡¡the
Speaker's¡¡room¡£¡¡¡¡Arriving¡¡there£»¡¡Clemens¡¡laid¡¡off¡¡his¡¡dark¡¡overcoat¡¡and
stood¡¡there£»¡¡all¡¡in¡¡white£»¡¡certainly¡¡a¡¡startling¡¡figure¡¡among¡¡those
clerks£»¡¡newspaper¡¡men£»¡¡and¡¡incidental¡¡politicians¡£¡¡¡¡He¡¡had¡¡been¡¡noticed
as¡¡he¡¡entered¡¡the¡¡Capitol£»¡¡and¡¡a¡¡number¡¡of¡¡reporters¡¡had¡¡followed¡¡close
behind¡£¡¡¡¡Within¡¡less¡¡than¡¡a¡¡minute¡¡word¡¡was¡¡being¡¡passed¡¡through¡¡the
corridors¡¡that¡¡Mark¡¡Twain¡¡was¡¡at¡¡the¡¡Capitol¡¡in¡¡his¡¡white¡¡suit¡£¡¡¡¡The
privileged¡¡ones¡¡began¡¡to¡¡gather£»¡¡and¡¡a¡¡crowd¡¡assembled¡¡in¡¡the¡¡hall
outside¡£
Speaker¡¡Cannon¡¡was¡¡not¡¡present¡¡at¡¡the¡¡moment£»¡¡but¡¡a¡¡little¡¡later¡¡he
¡¨billowed¡¨¡¡inwhich¡¡seems¡¡to¡¡be¡¡the¡¡word¡¡to¡¡express¡¡ithe¡¡came¡¡with
such¡¡a¡¡rush¡¡and¡¡tide¡¡of¡¡life¡£¡¡¡¡After¡¡greetings£»¡¡Clemens¡¡produced¡¡the
letter¡¡and¡¡read¡¡it¡¡to¡¡him¡¡solemnly£»¡¡as¡¡if¡¡he¡¡were¡¡presenting¡¡a¡¡petition¡£¡¡
Uncle¡¡Joe¡¡listened¡¡quite¡¡seriously£»¡¡his¡¡head¡¡bowed¡¡a¡¡little£»¡¡as¡¡if¡¡it
were¡¡really¡¡a¡¡petition£»¡¡as¡¡in¡¡fact¡¡it¡¡was¡£¡¡¡¡He¡¡smiled£»¡¡but¡¡he¡¡said£»¡¡quite
seriously£º
¡¨That¡¡is¡¡a¡¡request¡¡that¡¡ought¡¡to¡¡be¡¡granted£»¡¡but¡¡the¡¡time¡¡has¡¡gone¡¡by
when¡¡I¡¡am¡¡permitted¡¡any¡¡such¡¡liberties¡£¡¡¡¡Tom¡¡Reed£»¡¡when¡¡he¡¡was¡¡Speaker£»
inaugurated¡¡a¡¡strict¡¡precedent¡¡excluding¡¡all¡¡outsiders¡¡from¡¡the¡¡use¡¡of
the¡¡floor¡¡of¡¡the¡¡House¡£¡¨
¡¨I¡¡got¡¡in¡¡the¡¡other¡¡time£»¡¨¡¡Clemens¡¡insisted¡£
¡¨Yes£»¡¨¡¡said¡¡Uncle¡¡Joe£»¡¡¡¨but¡¡that¡¡ain't¡¡now¡£¡¡¡¡Sunset¡¡Cox¡¡could¡¡let¡¡you¡¡in£»
but¡¡I¡¡can't¡£¡¡¡¡They'd¡¡hang¡¡me¡£¡¨¡¡¡¡He¡¡reflected¡¡a¡¡moment£»¡¡and¡¡added£º¡¡¡¨I'll
tell¡¡you¡¡what¡¡I'll¡¡do£º¡¡I've¡¡got¡¡a¡¡private¡¡room¡¡down¡stairs¡¡that¡¡I¡¡never
use¡£¡¡¡¡It's¡¡all¡¡fitted¡¡up¡¡with¡¡table¡¡and¡¡desk£»¡¡stationery£»¡¡chinaware£»¡¡and
cutlery£»¡¡you¡¡could¡¡keep¡¡house¡¡there£»¡¡if¡¡you¡¡wanted¡¡to¡£¡¡¡¡I'll¡¡let¡¡you¡¡have
it¡¡as¡¡long¡¡as¡¡you¡¡want¡¡to¡¡stay¡¡here£»¡¡and¡¡I'll¡¡give¡¡you¡¡my¡¡private
servant£»¡¡Neal£»¡¡who's¡¡been¡¡here¡¡all¡¡his¡¡life¡¡and¡¡knows¡¡every¡¡official£»
every¡¡Senator¡¡and¡¡Representative£»¡¡and¡¡they¡¡all¡¡know¡¡him¡£¡¡¡¡He'll¡¡bring¡¡you
whatever¡¡you¡¡want£»¡¡and¡¡you¡¡can¡¡send¡¡in¡¡messages¡¡by¡¡him¡£¡¡¡¡You¡¡can¡¡have¡¡the
members¡¡brought¡¡down¡¡singly¡¡or¡¡in¡¡bunches£»¡¡and¡¡convert¡¡them¡¡as¡¡much¡¡as
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he'll¡¡unlock¡¡it¡¡for¡¡you¡£¡¡¡¡You¡¡can¡¡have¡¡the¡¡room£»¡¡and¡¡you¡¡can¡¡have¡¡Neal¡£¡¡
Now£»¡¡will¡¡that¡¡do¡¡you£¿¡¨
Clemens¡¡said¡¡it¡¡would¡£¡¡¡¡It¡¡was£»¡¡in¡¡fact£»¡¡an¡¡offer¡¡without¡¡precedent¡£¡¡
Probably¡¡never¡¡in¡¡the¡¡history¡¡of¡¡the¡¡country¡¡had¡¡a¡¡Speaker¡¡given¡¡up¡¡his
private¡¡room¡¡to¡¡lobbyists¡£¡¡¡¡We¡¡went¡¡in¡¡to¡¡see¡¡the¡¡House¡¡open£»¡¡and¡¡then
went¡¡down¡¡with¡¡Neal¡¡and¡¡took¡¡possession¡¡of¡¡the¡¡room¡£¡¡¡¡The¡¡reporters¡¡had
promptly¡¡seized¡¡upon¡¡the¡¡letter£»¡¡and¡¡they¡¡now¡¡got¡¡hold¡¡of¡¡its¡¡author£»¡¡led
him¡¡to¡¡their¡¡own¡¡quarters£»¡¡and£»¡¡gathering¡¡around¡¡him£»¡¡fired¡¡questions¡¡at
him£»¡¡and¡¡kept¡¡their¡¡note¡books¡¡busy¡£¡¡¡¡He¡¡made¡¡a¡¡great¡¡figure£»¡¡all¡¡in
white¡¡there¡¡among¡¡them£»¡¡and¡¡they¡¡didn't¡¡fail¡¡to¡¡realize¡¡the¡¡value¡¡of¡¡it
as¡¡¡¨copy¡£¡¨¡¡¡¡He¡¡talked¡¡about¡¡copyright£»¡¡and¡¡about¡¡his¡¡white¡¡clothes£»¡¡and
about¡¡a¡¡silk¡¡hat¡¡which¡¡Howells¡¡wore¡£
Back¡¡in¡¡the¡¡Speaker's¡¡room£»¡¡at¡¡last£»¡¡he¡¡began¡¡laying¡¡out¡¡the¡¡campaign£»
which¡¡would¡¡begin¡¡next¡¡day¡£¡¡¡¡By¡¡and¡¡by¡¡he¡¡said£º
¡¨Look¡¡here£¡¡¡¡¡I¡¡believe¡¡I've¡¡got¡¡to¡¡speak¡¡over¡¡there¡¡in¡¡that¡¡committee¡
room¡¡to¡day¡¡or¡¡to¡morrow¡£¡¡¡¡I¡¡ought¡¡to¡¡know¡¡just¡¡when¡¡it¡¡is¡£¡¨
I¡¡had¡¡not¡¡heard¡¡of¡¡this¡¡before£»¡¡and¡¡offered¡¡to¡¡go¡¡over¡¡and¡¡see¡¡about¡¡it£»
which¡¡I¡¡did¡¡at¡¡once¡£¡¡¡¡I¡¡hurried¡¡back¡¡faster¡¡than¡¡I¡¡had¡¡gone¡£
¡¨Mr¡£¡¡Clemens£»¡¡you¡¡are¡¡to¡¡speak¡¡in¡¡half¡¡an¡¡hour£»¡¡and¡¡the¡¡room¡¡is¡¡crowded
full£»¡¡people¡¡waiting¡¡to¡¡hear¡¡you¡£¡¨
¡¨The¡¡devil£¡¡¨¡¡he¡¡said¡£¡¡¡¡¡¨Well£»¡¡all¡¡right£»¡¡I'll¡¡just¡¡lie¡¡down¡¡here¡¡a¡¡few
minutes¡¡and¡¡then¡¡we'll¡¡go¡¡over¡£¡¡¡¡Take¡¡paper¡¡and¡¡pencil¡¡and¡¡make¡¡a¡¡few
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