the surprising adventures of baron munchausen-第13节
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w to think that I might turn the general confidence which I had created amongst these animals to my advantage。
I had heard an old army surgeon say a wound in the spine was instant death。 I now determined to try the experiment； and had again recourse to my knife； with which I struck the largest in the back of the neck； near the shoulders； but under great apprehensions； not doubting but the creature would； if he survived the stab； tear me to pieces。 However； I was remarkably fortunate； for he fell dead at my feet without making the least noise。 I was now resolved to demolish them every one in the same manner； which I accomplished without the least difficulty； for although they saw their companions fall； they had no suspicion of either the cause or the effect。 When they all lay dead before me； I felt myself a second Samson； having slain my thousands。
To make short of the story； I went back to the ship； and borrowed three parts of the crew to assist me in skinning them； and carrying the hams on board； which we did in a few hours； and loaded the ship with them。 As to the other parts of the animals； they were thrown into the sea； though I doubt not but the whole would eat as well as the legs； were they properly cured。
As soon as we returned I sent some of the hams； in the captain's name； to the Lords of Admiralty； others to the Lords of the Treasury； some to the Lord Mayor and Corporation of London； a few to each of the trading companies； and the remainder to my particular friends； from all of whom I received warm thanks； but from the city I was honoured with substantial notice； viz。； an invitation to dine at Guildhall annually on Lord Mayor's day。
The bear…skins I sent to the Empress of Russia； to clothe her majesty and her court in the winter； for which she wrote me a letter of thanks with her own hand； and sent it by an ambassador extraordinary； inviting me to share the honours of her crown； but as I never was ambitious of royal dignity； I declined her majesty's favour in the politest terms。 The same ambassador had orders to wait and bring my answer to her majesty /personally/； upon which business he was absent about three months： her majesty's reply convinced me of the strength of her affections； and the dignity of her mind； her late indisposition was entirely owing （as she； kind creature！ was pleased to express herself in a late conversation with the Prince Dolgoroucki） to my cruelty。 What the sex see in me I cannot conceive； but the Empress is not the only female sovereign who has offered me her hand。
Some people have very illiberally reported that Captain Phipps did not proceed as far as he might have done upon that expedition。 Here it becomes my duty to acquit him； our ship was in a very proper trim till I loaded it with such an immense quantity of bear…skins and hams； after which it would have been madness to have attempted to proceed further； as we were now scarcely able to combat a brisk gale； much less those mountains of ice which lay in the higher latitudes。
The captain has since often expressed a dissatisfaction that he had no share in the honours of that day； which he emphatically called /bear… skin day/。 He has also been very desirous of knowing by what art I destroyed so many thousands； without fatigue or danger to myself； indeed； he is so ambitious of dividing the glory with me； that we have actually quarrelled about it； and we are not now upon speaking terms。 He boldly asserts I had no merit in deceiving the bears； because I was covered with one of their skins； nay； he declares there is not； in his opinion； in Europe； so complete a bear naturally as himself among the human species。
He is now a noble peer； and I am too well acquainted with good manners to dispute so delicate a point with his lordship。
CHAPTER XIV
/Our Baron excels Baron Tott beyond all comparison； yet fails in part of his attemptGets into disgrace with the Grand Seignior； who orders his head to be cut offEscapes； and gets on board a vessel； in which he is carried to VeniceBaron Tott's origin； with some account of that great man's parentsPope Ganganelli's amourHis Holiness fond of shell…fish。/
Baron de Tott； in his Memoirs； makes as great a parade of a single act as many travellers whose whole lives have been spent in seeing the different parts of the globe； for my part； if I had been blown from Europe to Asia from the mouth of a cannon； I should have boasted less of it afterwards than he has done of only firing off a Turkish piece of ordnance。 What he says of this wonderful gun； as near as my memory will serve me； is this：〃The Turks had placed below the castle； and near the city； on the banks of Simois； a celebrated river； an enormous piece of ordnance cast in brass； which would carry a marble ball of eleven hundred pounds weight。 I was inclined；〃 says Tott； 〃to fire it； but I was willing first to judge of its effect； the crowd about me trembled at this proposal； as they asserted it would overthrow not only the castle； but the city also； at length their fears in part subsided； and I was permitted to discharge it。 It required not less
than three hundred and thirty pounds' weight of powder； and the ball weighed； as before mentioned； eleven hundredweight。 When the engineer brought the priming； the crowds who were about me retreated back as fast as they could； nay； it was with the utmost difficulty I persuaded the Pacha； who came on purpose； there was no danger： even the engineer who was to discharge it by my direction was considerably alarmed。 I took my stand on some stone…work behind the cannon； gave the signal； and felt a shock like that of earthquake！ At the distance of three hundred fathom the ball burst into three pieces； the fragments crossed the strait； rebounded on the opposite mountain； and left the surface of the water all in a foam through the whole breadth of the channel。〃
This； gentlemen； is； as near as I can recollect； Baron Tott's account of the largest cannon in the known world。 Now； when I was there not long since； the anecdote of Tott's firing this tremendous piece was mentioned as a proof of that gentleman's extraordinary courage。
I was determined not to be outdone by a Frenchman； therefore took this very piece upon my shoulder； and； after balancing it properly； jumped into the sea with it； and swam to the opposite shore； from whence I unfortunately attempted to throw it back into its former place。 I say unfortunately； for it slipped a little in my hand just as I was about to discharge it； and in consequence of that it fell into the middle of the channel； where it now lies； without a prospect of ever recovering it： and notwithstanding the high favour I was in with the Grand Seignior； as before mentioned； this cruel Turk； as soon as he heard of the loss of his famous piece of ordnance； issued an order to cut off my head。 I was immediately informed of it by one of the Sultanas； with whom I was become a great favourite； and she secreted me in her apartment while the officer charged with my execution was； with his assistants； in search of me。
That very night I made my escape on board a vessel bound to Venice； which was then weighing anchor to proceed on her voyage。
The last story； gentlemen； I am not fond of mentioning； as I miscarried in the attempt； and was very near losing my life into the bargain： however； as it contains no impeachment of my honour； I would not withhold it from you。
Now； gentlemen； you all know me； and can have no doubt of my veracity。 I will entertain you with the origin of this same swaggering； bouncing Tott。
His reputed father was a native of Berne； in Switzerland； his profession was that of a surveyor of the streets； lanes； and alleys； vulgarly called a scavenger。 His mother was a native of the mountains of Savoy； and had a most beautiful large wen on her neck； common to both sexes in that part of the world； she left her parents when young； and sought her fortune in the same city which gave his father birth； she maintained herself while single by acts of kindness to our sex； for she never was known to refuse them any favour they asked； provided they did but pay her some compliment beforehand。 This lovely couple met by accident in the street； in consequence of their being both intoxicated； for by reeling to one centre they threw each other down； this created mutual abuse； in which they were complete adepts； they were both carried to the watch…house； and afterwards to the house of correction； they soon saw the folly of quarrelling； made it up； became fond of each other； and married； but madam returning to her old tricks； his father； who had high notions of honour； soon separated himself from her； she then joined a family who strolled about with a puppet…show。 In time she arrived at Rome； where she kept an oyster… stand。 You have all heard； no doubt of Pope Ganganelli； commonly called Clement XIV。： he was remarkably fond of oysters。 One Good Friday； as he was passing through this famous city in state； to assist at high mass at St。 Peter's Church； he saw this woman's oysters （which were remarkably fine and fresh）； he could not proceed without tasting them。 There were about five thousand people in his train； he ordered them all to sto
