three men on the bummel-第26节

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myself　driving　a　peppery　old　colonel　to　some　lonesome　and　cabless
region；　half　a　dozen　miles　from　where　he　wanted　to　go；　and　there
leaving　him　upon　the　kerbstone　to　swear。　　About　that　there　might
have　been　good　sport　or　there　might　not；　according　to　circumstances
and　the　colonel。　　The　idea　of　a　trip　to　an　outlying　suburb　in
charge　of　a　nursery　full　of　helpless　infants　had　never　occurred　to
me。　　No；　London；〃　concluded　my　friend　the　churchwarden　with　a　sigh；
〃affords　but　limited　opportunity　to　the　lover　of　the　illegal。〃

Now；　in　Germany；　on　the　other　hand；　trouble　is　to　be　had　for　the
asking。　　There　are　many　things　in　Germany　that　you　must　not　do　that
are　quite　easy　to　do。　　To　any　young　Englishman　yearning　to　get
himself　into　a　scrape；　and　finding　himself　hampered　in　his　own
country；　I　would　advise　a　single　ticket　to　Germany；　a　return；
lasting　as　it　does　only　a　month；　might　prove　a　waste。

In　the　Police　Guide　of　the　Fatherland　he　will　find　set　forth　a　list
of　the　things　the　doing　of　which　will　bring　to　him　interest　and
excitement。　　In　Germany　you　must　not　hang　your　bed　out　of　window。
He　might　begin　with　that。　　By　waving　his　bed　out　of　window　he　could
get　into　trouble　before　he　had　his　breakfast。　　At　home　he　might
hang　himself　out　of　window；　and　nobody　would　mind　much；　provided　he
did　not　obstruct　anybody's　ancient　lights　or　break　away　and　injure
any　passer　underneath。

In　Germany　you　must　not　wear　fancy　dress　in　the　streets。　　A
Highlander　of　my　acquaintance　who　came　to　pass　the　winter　in
Dresden　spent　the　first　few　days　of　his　residence　there　in　arguing
this　question　with　the　Saxon　Government。　　They　asked　him　what　he
was　doing　in　those　clothes。　　He　was　not　an　amiable　man。　　He
answered；　he　was　wearing　them。　　They　asked　him　why　he　was　wearing
them。　　He　replied；　to　keep　himself　warm。　　They　told　him　frankly
that　they　did　not　believe　him；　and　sent　him　back　to　his　lodgings　in
a　closed　landau。　　The　personal　testimony　of　the　English　Minister
was　necessary　to　assure　the　authorities　that　the　Highland　garb　was
the　customary　dress　of　many　respectable；　law…abiding　British
subjects。　　They　accepted　the　statement；　as　diplomatically　bound；
but　retain　their　private　opinion　to　this　day。　　The　English　tourist
they　have　grown　accustomed　to；　but　a　Leicestershire　gentleman；
invited　to　hunt　with　some　German　officers；　on　appearing　outside　his
hotel；　was　promptly　marched　off；　horse　and　all；　to　explain　his
frivolity　at　the　police　court。

Another　thing　you　must　not　do　in　the　streets　of　German　towns　is　to
feed　horses；　mules；　or　donkeys；　whether　your　own　or　those　belonging
to　other　people。　　If　a　passion　seizes　you　to　feed　somebody　else's
horse；　you　must　make　an　appointment　with　the　animal；　and　the　meal
must　take　place　in　some　properly　authorised　place。　　You　must　not
break　glass　or　china　in　the　street；　nor；　in　fact；　in　any　public
resort　whatever；　and　if　you　do；　you　must　pick　up　all　the　pieces。
What　you　are　to　do　with　the　pieces　when　you　have　gathered　them
together　I　cannot　say。　　The　only　thing　I　know　for　certain　is　that
you　are　not　permitted　to　throw　them　anywhere；　to　leave　them
anywhere；　or　apparently　to　part　with　them　in　any　way　whatever。
Presumably；　you　are　expected　to　carry　them　about　with　you　until　you
die；　and　then　be　buried　with　them；　or；　maybe；　you　are　allowed　to
swallow　them。

In　German　streets　you　must　not　shoot　with　a　crossbow。　　The　German
law…maker　does　not　content　himself　with　the　misdeeds　of　the　average
manthe　crime　one　feels　one　wants　to　do；　but　must　not：　　he　worries
himself　imagining　all　the　things　a　wandering　maniac　might　do。　　In
Germany　there　is　no　law　against　a　man　standing　on　his　head　in　the
middle　of　the　road；　the　idea　has　not　occurred　to　them。　　One　of
these　days　a　German　statesman；　visiting　a　circus　and　seeing
acrobats；　will　reflect　upon　this　omission。　　Then　he　will
straightway　set　to　work　and　frame　a　clause　forbidding　people　from
standing　on　their　heads　in　the　middle　of　the　road；　and　fixing　a
fine。　　This　is　the　charm　of　German　law：　　misdemeanour　in　Germany
has　its　fixed　price。　　You　are　not　kept　awake　all　night；　as　in
England；　wondering　whether　you　will　get　off　with　a　caution；　be
fined　forty　shillings；　or；　catching　the　magistrate　in　an　unhappy
moment　for　yourself；　get　seven　days。　　You　know　exactly　what　your
fun　is　going　to　cost　you。　　You　can　spread　out　your　money　on　the
table；　open　your　Police　Guide；　and　plan　out　your　holiday　to　a　fifty
pfennig　piece。　　For　a　really　cheap　evening；　I　would　recommend
walking　on　the　wrong　side　of　the　pavement　after　being　cautioned　not
to　do　so。　　I　calculate　that　by　choosing　your　district　and　keeping
to　the　quiet　side　streets　you　could　walk　for　a　whole　evening　on　the
wrong　side　of　the　pavement　at　a　cost　of　little　over　three　marks。

In　German　towns　you　must　not　ramble　about　after　dark　〃in　droves。〃
I　am　not　quite　sure　how　many　constitute　a　〃drove；〃　and　no　official
to　whom　I　have　spoken　on　this　subject　has　felt　himself　competent　to
fix　the　exact　number。　　I　once　put　it　to　a　German　friend　who　was
starting　for　the　theatre　with　his　wife；　his　mother…in…law；　five
children　of　his　own；　his　sister　and　her　fiance；　and　two　nieces；　if
he　did　not　think　he　was　running　a　risk　under　this　by…law。　　He　did
not　take　my　suggestion　as　a　joke。　　He　cast　an　eye　over　the　group。

〃Oh；　I　don't　think　so；〃　he　said；　〃you　see；　we　are　all　one　family。〃

〃The　paragraph　says　nothing　about　its　being　a　family　drove　or　not；〃
I　replied；　〃it　simply　says　'drove。'　　I　do　not　mean　it　in　any
uncomplimentary　sense；　but；　speaking　etymologically；　I　am　inclined
personally　to　regard　your　collection　as　a　'drove。'　　Whether　the
police　will　take　the　same　view　or　not　remains　to　be　seen。　　I　am
merely　warning　you。〃

My　friend　himself　was　inclined　to　pooh…pooh　my　fears；　but　his　wife
thinking　it　better　not　to　run　any　risk　of　having　the　party　broken
up　by　the　police　at　the　very　beginning　of　the　evening；　they
divided；　arranging　to　come　together　again　in　the　theatre　lobby。

Another　passion　you　must　restrain　in　Germany　is　that　prompting　you
to　throw　things　out　of　window。　　Cats　are　no　excuse。　　During　the
first　week　of　my　residence　in　Germany　I　was　awakened　incessantly　by
cats。　　One　night　I　got　mad。　　I　collected　a　small　arsenaltwo　or
three　pieces　of　coal；　a　few　hard　pears；　a　couple　of　candle　ends；　an
odd　egg　I　found　on　the　kitchen　table；　an　empty　soda…water　bottle；
and　a　few　articles　of　that　sort；and；　opening　the　window；
bombarded　the　spot　from　where　the　noise　appeared　to　come。　　I　do　not
suppose　I　hit　anything；　I　never　knew　a　man　who　did　hit　a　cat；　even
when　he　could　see　it；　except；　maybe；　by　accident　when　aiming　at
something　else。　　I　have　known　crack　shots；　winners　of　Queen's
prizesthose　sort　of　men；shoot　with　shot…guns　at　cats　fifty
yards　away；　and　never　hit　a　hair。　　I　have　often　thought　that；
instead　of　bull's…eyes；　running　deer；　and　that　rubbish；　the　really
superior　marksman　would　be　he　who　could　boast　that　he　had　shot　the
cat。

But；　anyhow；　they　moved　off；　maybe　the　egg　annoyed　them。　　I　had
noticed　when　I　picked　it　up　that　it　did　not　look　a　good　egg；　and　I
went　back　to　bed　again；　thinking　the　incident　closed。　　Ten　minutes
afterwards　there　came　a　violent　ringing　of　the　electric　bell。　　I
tried　to　ignore　it；　but　it　was　too　persistent；　and；　putting　on　my
dressing　gown；　I　went　down　to　the　gate。　　A　policeman　was　standing
there。　　He　had　all　the　things　I　had　been　throwing　out　of　the　window
in　a　little　heap　in　front　of　him；　all　except　the　egg。　　He　had
evidently　been　collecting　them。　　He　said：

〃Are　these　things　yours？〃

I　said：　　〃They　were　mine；　but　personally　I　have　done　with　them。
Anybody　can　have　themyou　can　have　them。〃

He　ignored　my　offer。　　He　said：

〃You　threw　these　things　out　of　window。〃

〃You　are　right；〃　I　admitted；　〃I　did。〃

〃Why　did　you　throw　them　out　of　window？〃　he　asked。　　A　German
policeman　has　his　code　of　questions　arranged　for　him；　he　never
varies　them；　and　he　never　omits　one。

〃I　threw　them　out　of　the　window　at　some　cats；〃　I　answered。

〃What　cats？〃　he　asked。

It　was　the　sort　of　question　a　German　policeman　would　ask。　　I
replied　with　as　much　sarcasm　as　I　could　put　into　my　accent　that　I
was　ashamed　to　say　I　could　not　tell　him　what　cats。　　I　explained
that；　personally；　they　were　strangers　to　me；　but　I　offered；　if　the
police　would　call　all　the　cats　in　the　district　together；　to　come
round　and　see　if　I　could　recognise　them　by　their　yaul。

The　German　policeman　does　not　understand　a　joke；　which　is　perhaps
on　the　whole　just　as　well；　for　I　believe　there　is　a　heavy　fine　for
joking　with　any　German　uniform；　they　call　it　〃treating　an　official
with　contumely。〃　　He　merely　replied　that　it　was　not　the　duty　of　the
police　to　help　me　recognise　the　cats；　their　duty　was　merely　to　fine
me　for　throwing　things　out　of　window。

I　asked　what　a　man　was　supposed　to　do　in　Germany　when　woke　up　night
after　night　by　cats；　and　he　explained　that　I　could　lodge　an
information　against　the　owner　of　the　cat；　when　the　police　would
proceed　to　caution　him；　and；　if　necessary；　order　the　cat　to　be
destroyed。　　Who　was　going　to　destroy　the　cat；　and　what　the　cat
would　be　doing　during　the　process；　he　did　not　explain。

I　asked　him　how　he　proposed　I　should　discover