donal grant-第77节

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of　believing　in　another　world？〃

〃I　suspect；　my　lord；　the　other　world　does　not　need　our　believing　in
it　to　make　a　fact　of　it。　But　if　a　man　were　never　to　teach　his　soul
to　see；　if　he　were　obstinately　to　close　his　eyes　upon　this　world；
and　look　at　nothing　all　the　time　he　was　in　it；　I　should　be　very
doubtful　whether　the　mere　fact　of　going　a　little　more　dead；　would
make　him　see。　The　soul　never　having　learned　to　see；　its　sense　of
seeing；　correspondent　to　and　higher　than　that　of　the　body；　never
having　been　developed；　how　should　it　expand　and　impower　itself　by
mere　deliverance　from　the　one　best　schoolmaster　to　whom　it　would
give　no　heed？　The　senses　are；　I　suspect；　only　the　husks　under　which
are　ripening　the　deeper；　keener；　better　senses　belonging　to　the　next
stage　of　our　life；　and　so；　my　lord；　I　cannot　think　that；　if　the　will
has　not　been　developed　through　the　means　and　occasions　given　in；　the
mere　passing　into　another　condition　will　set　it　free。　For　freedom　is
the　unclosing　of　the　idea　which　lies　at　our　root；　and　is　the　vital
power　of　our　existence。　The　rose　is　the　freedom　of　the　rose　tree。　I
should　think；　having　lost　his　brain；　and　got　nothing　instead；　a　man
would　find　himself　a　mere　centre　of　unanswerable　questions。〃

〃You　go　too　far　for　me；〃　said　his　lordship；　looking　a　little
uncomfortable；　〃but　I　think　it　is　time　to　try　and　break　myself　a
little　of　the　habitor　almost　time。　By　degrees　one　might；　you
know；eh？〃

〃I　have　little　faith　in　doing　things　by　degrees；　my　lordexcept
such　indeed　as　by　their　very　nature　cannot　be　done　at　once。　It　is
true　a　bad　habit　can　only　be　contracted　by　degrees；　and　I　will　not
say；　because　I　do　not　know；　whether　anyone　has　ever　cured　himself　of
one　by　degrees；　but　it　cannot　be　the　best　way。　What　is　bad　ought　to
be　got　rid　of　at　once。〃

〃Ah；　but；　don't　you　know？　that　might　cost　you　your　life！〃

〃What　of　that；　my　lord！　Life；　the　life　you　mean；　is　not　the　first
thing。〃

〃Not　the　first　thing！　Why；　the　Bible　says；　'All　that　a　man　hath　will
he　give　for　his　life'！〃

〃That　is　in　the　Bible；　but　whether　the　Bible　says　it；　is　another
thing。〃

〃I　do　not　understand　silly　distinctions。〃

〃Why；　my　lord；　who　said　that？〃

〃What　does　it　matter　who　said　it？〃

〃Much　always；　everything　sometimes。〃

〃Who　said　it　then？〃

〃The　devil。〃

〃The　devil　he　did！　And　who　ought　to　know　better；　I　should　like　to
ask！〃

〃Every　man　ought　to　know　better。　And　besides；　it　is　not　what　a　man
will　or　will　not　do；　but　what　a　man　ought　or　ought　not　to　do！〃

〃Ah；　there　you　have　me；　I　suppose！　But　there　are　some　things　so
damned　difficult；　that　a　man　must　be　very　sure　of　his　danger　before
he　can　bring　himself　to　do　them！〃

〃That　may　be；　my　lord：　in　the　present　case；　however；　you　must　be
aware　that　the　danger　is　not　to　the　bodily　health　alone；　these　drugs
undermine　the　moral　nature　as　well！〃

〃I　know　it：　I　cannot　be　counted　guilty　of　many　things；　they　were
done　under　the　influence　of　hellish　concoctions。　It　was　not　I；　but
these　things　working　in　meon　my　brain；　making　me　see　things　in　a
false　light！　This　will　be　taken　into　account　when　I　come　to　be
judgedif　there　be　such　a　thing　as　a　day　of　judgment。〃

〃One　thing　I　am　sure　of；〃　said　Donal；　〃that　your　lordship　will　have
fair　play。　At　first；　not　quite　knowing　what　you　were　about；　you　may
not　have　been　much　to　blame；　but　afterwards；　when　you　knew　that　you
were　putting　yourself　in　danger　of　doing　you　did　not　know　what；　you
were　as　much　to　blame　as　if　you　made　a　Frankenstein…demon；　and
turned　him　loose　on　the　earth；　knowing　yourself　utterly　unable　to
control　him。〃

〃And　is　not　that　what　the　God　you　believe　in　does　every　day？〃

〃My　lord；　the　God　I　believe　in　has　not　lost　his　control　over　either
of　us。〃

〃Then　let　him　set　the　thing　right！　Why　should　we　draw　his　plough？〃

〃He　will　set　it　right；　my　lord；but　probably　in　a　way　your　lordship
will　not　like。　He　is　compelled　to　do　terrible　things　sometimes。〃

〃Compelled！what　should　compel　him？〃

〃The　love　that　is　in　him；　the　love　that　he　is。　He　cannot　let　us　have
our　own　way　to　the　ruin　of　everything　in　us　he　cares　for！〃

Then　the　spirit　awoke　in　Donalor　came　upon　himand　he　spoke。

〃My　lord；〃　he　said；　〃if　you　would　ever　again　be　able　to　thank　God；
if　there　be　one　in　the　other　world　to　whom　you　would　go；　if　you
would　make　up　for　any　wrong　you　have　ever　done；　if　you　would　ever
feel　in　your　soul　once　more　the　innocence　of　a　child；　if　you　care　to
call　God　your　father；　if　you　would　fall　asleep　in　peace　and　wake　to
a　new　life；　I　conjure　you　to　resist　the　devil；　to　give　up　the　evil
habit　that　is　dragging　you　lower　and　lower　every　hour。　It　will　be
very　hard；　I　know！　Anything　I　can　do；　watching　with　you　night　and
day；　giving　myself　to　help　you；　I　am　ready　for。　I　will　do　all　that
lies　in　me　to　deliver　you　from　the　weariness　and　sickness　of　the
endeavour。　I　will　give　my　life　to　strengthen　yours；　and　count　it
well　spent　and　myself　honoured：　I　shall　then　have　lived　a　life　worth
living！　Resolve；　my　lordin　God's　name　resolve　at　once　to　be　free。
Then　you　shall　know　you　have　a　free　will；　for　your　will　will　have
made　itself　free　by　doing　the　will　of　God　against　all　disinclination
of　your　own。　It　will　be　a　glorious　victory；　and　will　set　you　high　on
the　hill　whose　peak　is　the　throne　of　God。〃

〃I　will　begin　to…morrow；〃　said　the　earl　feebly；　and　with　a　strange
look　in　his　eyes。　〃But　now　you　must　leave　me。　I　need　solitude　to
strengthen　my　resolve。　Come　to　me　again　to…morrow。　I　am　weary；　and
must　rest　awhile。　Send　Simmons。〃

Donal　was　nowise　misled　by　the　easy；　postponed　consent；　but　he　could
not　prolong　the　interview。　He　rose　and　went。　In　the　act　of　shutting
the　door　behind　him；　something；　he　did　not　know　what；　made　him　turn
his　head：　the　earl　was　leaning　over　the　little　table　by　his　bedside；
and　pouring　something　from　a　bottle　into　a　glass。　Donal　stood
transfixed。　The　earl　turned　and　saw　him；　cast　on　him　a　look　of
almost　demoniacal　hate；　put　the　glass　to　his　lips　and　drank　off　its
contents；　then　threw　himself　back　on　his　pillows。　Donal　shut　the
doornot　so　softly　as　he　intended；　for　he　was　agitated；　a　loud
curse　at　the　noise　came　after　him。　He　went　down　the　stair　not　only
with　a　sense　of　failure；　but　with　an　exhaustion　such　as　he　had　never
before　felt。

There　are　men　of　natures　so　inactive　that　they　cannot　even　enjoy　the
sight　of　activity　around　them：　men　with　schemes　and　desires　are　in
their　presence　intrusive。　Their　existence　is　a　sleepy　lake；　which
would　not　be　troubled　even　with　the　wind　of　far…off　labour。　Such
lord　Morven　was　not　by　nature；　up　to　manhood　he　had　led　even　a
stormy　life。　But　when　his　passions　began　to　yield；　his
self…indulgence　began　to　take　the　form　of　laziness；　and　it　was　not
many　years　before　he　lay　with　never　a　struggle　in　the　chains　of　the
evil　power　which　had　now　reduced　him　to　moral　poltroonery。　The
tyranny　of　this　last　wickedness　grew　worse　after　the　death　of　his
wife。　The　one　object　of　his　life；　if　life　it　could　be　called；　was
only　and　ever　to　make　it　a　life　of　his　own；　not　the　life　which　God
had　meant　it　to　be；　and　had　made　possible　to　him。　On　first
acquaintance　with　the　moral　phenomenon；　it　had　seemed　to　Donal　an
inhuman　and　strangely　exceptional　one；　but　reflecting；　he　came
presently　to　see　that　it　was　only　a　more　pronounced　form　of　the
universal　human　diseasea　disease　so　deep…seated　that　he　who　has　it
worst；　least　knows　or　can　believe　that　he　has　any　disease；
attributing　all　his　discomfort　to　the　condition　of　things　outside
him；　whereas　his　refusal　to　accept　them　as　they　are；　is　one　most
prominent　symptom　of　the　disease。　Whether　by　stimulants　or
narcotics；　whether　by　company　or　ambition；　whether　by　grasping　or
study；　whether　by　self…indulgence；　by　art；　by　books；　by　religion；　by
love；　by　benevolence；　we　endeavour　after　another　life　than　that
which　God　means　for　usa　life　of　truth；　namely；　of　obedience；
humility；　and　self…forgetfulness；　we　walk　equally　in　a　vain　show。
For　God　alone　is；　and　without　him　we　are　not。　This　is　not　the　mere
clang　of　a　tinkling　metaphysical　cymbal；　he　that　endeavours　to　live
apart　from　God　must　at　length　findnot　merely　that　he　has　been
walking　in　a　vain　show；　but　that　he　has　been　himself　but　the　phantom
of　a　dream。　But　for　the　life　of　the　living　God；　making　him　be；　and
keeping　him　being；　he　must　fade　even　out　of　the　limbo　of　vanities！

He　more　and　more　seldom　went　out　of　the　house；　more　and　more　seldom
left　his　apartment。　At　times　he　would　read　a　great　deal；　then　for
days　would　not　open　a　book；　but　seem　absorbed　in　meditationa
meditation　which　had　nothing　in　it　worthy　of　the　name。　In　his
communications　with　Donal；　he　did　not　seem　in　the　least　aware　that
he　had　made　him　the　holder　of　a　secret　by　which　he　could　frustrate
his　plans　for　his　family。　These　plans　he　clung　to；　partly　from
paternity；　partly　from　contempt　for　society；　and　partly　in　the　fancy
of　repairing　the　wrong　he　had　done　his　children's　mother。　The
morally　diseased　will　atone　for　wrong　by　fresh　wrongin　its　turn　to
demand　like　reparation！　He　would　do　anything　now　to　secure　his　sons
in　the　position　of　which　in　law　he　had　deprived　them　by　the　wrong　he
had　done　the　woman　whom　all　had　believed　his　wife。　Through　t