donal grant-第48节

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had　she　gained　over　her！　What　if　they　met　Donal；　and　she　saw　her
smile　to　him　as　she　always　did　now！　One　thing　she　was　determined
uponand　herein　lay　the　pledge　of　her　coming　freedom！that　she
would　not　behave　to　him　in　the　least　otherwise　than　her　wont。　If　she
would　be　worthy；　she　must　be　straightforward！

Donal　and　she　had　never　had　any　further　talk；　much　as　she　would　have
liked　it；　upon　things　poetic。　As　a　matter　of　supposed　dutywhere
she　had　got　the　idea　I　do　not　knowcertainly　not　from　Miss
Carmichael；　seeing　she　approved　of　little　poetry　but　that　of　Young；
Cowper；　Pollok；　and　James　Montgomeryshe　had　been　reading　the
Paradise　Lost；　and　wished　much　to　speak　of　it　to　Donal；　but　had　not
the　courage。

When　Miss　Carmichael　came；　she　at　once　perceived　a　difference　in
her；　and　it　set　her　thinking。　She　was　not　one　to　do　or　say　anything
without　thinking　over　it　first。　She　had　such　a　thorough　confidence
in　her　judgment；　and　such　a　pleasure　in　exercising　it；　that　she
almost　always　rejected　an　impulse。　Judgment　was　on　the　throne；
feeling　under　the　footstool。　There　was　something　in　Arctura's
carriage　which　reminded　her　of　the　only　time　when　she　had　stood　upon
her　rank　with　her。　This　was　once　she　made　a　remark　disparaging　a
favourite　dog：　for　the　animals　Arctura　could　brave　even　her
spiritual　nightmare：　they　were　not　under　the　wrath　and　curse　like
men　and　women；　therefore　might　be　defended！　She　had　on　that　occasion
shown　so　much　offence　that　Miss　Carmichael　saw；　if　she　was　to　keep
her　influence　over　her；　she　must　avoid　rousing　the　phantom　of　rank
in　defence　of　prejudice。　She　was　now　therefore　carefulsaid　next　to
nothing；　but　watched　her　keenly；　and　not　the　less　slyly　that　she
looked　her　straight　in　the　face。　There　is　an　effort　to　see　into　the
soul　of　others　that　is　essentially　treacherous；　wherever；　friendship
being　the　ostensible　bond；　inquiry　outruns　regard；　it　is
treacheryan　endeavour　to　grasp　more　than　the　friend　would
knowingly　give。

They　went　for　a　little　walk　in　the　grounds；　as　they　returned　they
met　Donal　going　out　with　Davie。　Arctura　and　Donal　passed　with　a　bow
and　a　friendly　smile；　Davie　stopped　and　spoke　to　the　ladies；　then
bounded　after　his　friend。

〃Have　you　attended　the　scripture…lesson　regularly？〃　asked　Miss
Carmichael。

〃Yes；　I　have　been　absent　only　once；　I　think；　since　you　left；〃
replied　Arctura。

〃Good；　my　dear！　You　have　not　been　leaving　your　lamb　to　the　wolf！〃

〃I　begin　to　doubt　if　he　be　a　wolf。〃

〃Ah！　does　he　wear　his　sheepskin　so　well？　Are　you　sure　he　is　not
plotting　to　devour　sheep　and　shepherd　together？〃　said　Miss
Carmichael；　with　an　open　glance　of　search。

〃Don't　you　think；〃　suggested　Arctura；　〃when　you　are　not　able　to　say
anything；　it　would　be　better　not　to　be　present？　Your　silence　looks
like　agreement。〃

〃But　you　can　always　protest！　You　can　assert　he　is　all　wrong。　You　can
say　you　do　not　in　the　least　agree　with　him！〃

〃But　what　if　you　are　not　sure　that　you　do　not　agree　with　him？〃

〃I　thought　as　much！〃　said　Miss　Carmichael　to　herself。　〃I　might　have
foreseen　this！〃Here　she　spoke。〃If　you　are　not　sure　you　do　agree；
you　can　say；　'I　can't　say　I　agree　with　you！'　It　is　always　safer　to
admit　little　than　much。〃

〃I　do　not　quite　follow　you。　But　speaking　of　little　and　much；　I　am
sure　I　want　a　great　deal　more　than　I　know　yet　to　save　me。　I　have
never　yet　heard　what　seems　enough。〃

〃Is　that　to　say　God　has　not　done　his　part？〃

〃No；　it　is　only　to　say　that　I　hope　he　has　done　more　than　I　have　yet
heard。〃

〃More　than　send　his　son　to　die　for　your　sins？〃

〃More　than　you　say　that　means。〃

〃You　have　but　to　believe　Christ　did　so。〃

〃I　don't　know　that　he　died　for　my　sins。〃

〃He　died　for　the　sins　of　the　whole　world。〃

〃Then　I　must　be　saved！〃

〃Yes；　if　you　believe　that　he　made　atonement　for　your　sins。〃

〃Then　I　cannot　be　saved　except　I　believe　that　I　shall　be　saved。　And
I　cannot　believe　I　shall　be　saved　until　I　know　I　shall　be　saved！〃

〃You　are　cavilling；　Arctura！　Ah；　this　is　what　you　have　been　learning
of　Mr。　Grant！　I　ought　not　to　have　gone　away！〃

〃Nothing　of　the　sort！〃　said　Arctura；　drawing　herself　up　a　little。　〃I
am　sorry　if　I　have　said　anything　wrong；　but　really　I　can　get　hold　of
nothing！　I　feel　sometimes　as　if　I　should　go　out　of　my　mind。〃

〃Arctura；　I　have　done　my　best　for　you！　If　you　think　you　have　found　a
better　teacher；　no　warning；　I　fear；　will　any　longer　avail！〃

〃If　I　did　think　I　had　found　a　better　teacher；　no　warning　certainly
would；　I　am　only　afraid　I　have　not。　But　of　one　thing　I　am　surethat
the　things　Mr。　Grant　teaches　are　much　more　to　be　desired　than〃

〃By　the　unsanctified　heart；　no　doubt！〃　said　Sophia。

〃The　unsanctified　heart；〃　rejoined　Arctura；　astonished　at　her　own
boldness；　and　the　sense　of　power　and　freedom　growing　in　her　as　she
spoke；　〃surely　needs　God　as　much　as　the　sanctified！　But　can　the
heart　be　altogether　unsanctified　that　desires　to　find　God　so
beautiful　and　good　that　it　can　worship　him　with　its　whole　power　of
love　and　adoration？　Or　is　God　less　beautiful　and　good　than　that？〃

〃We　ought　to　worship　God　whatever　he　is。〃

〃But　could　we　love　him　with　all　our　hearts　if　he　were　not　altogether
lovable？〃

〃He　might　not　be　the　less　to　be　worshipped　though　he　seemed　so　to
us。　We　must　worship　his　justice　as　much　as　his　love；　his　power　as
much　as　his　justice。〃

Arctura　returned　no　answer；　the　words　had　fallen　on　her　heart　like
an　ice…berg。　She　was　not；　however；　so　utterly　overwhelmed　by　them　as
she　would　have　been　some　time　before；　she　thought　with　herself；　〃I
will　ask　Mr。　Grant！　I　am　sure　he　does　not　think　like　that！　Worship
power　as　much　as　love！　I　begin　to　think　she　does　not　understand　what
she　is　talking　about！　If　I　were　to　make　a　creature　needing　all　my
love　to　make　life　endurable　to　him；　and　then　not　be　kind　enough　to
him；　should　I　not　be　cruel？　Would　I　not　be　to　blame？　Can　God　be　God
and　do　anything　conceivably　to　blameanything　that　is　not
altogether　beautiful？　She　tells　me　we　cannot　judge　what　it　would　be
right　for　God　to　do　by　what　it　would　be　right　for　us　to　do：　if　what
seems　right　to　me　is　not　right　to　God；　I　must　wrong　my　conscience
and　be　a　sinner　in　order　to　serve　him！　Then　my　conscience　is　not　the
voice　of　God　in　me！　How　then　am　I　made　in　his　image？　What　does　it
mean？　Ah；　but　that　image　has　been　defaced　by　the　fall！　So　I　cannot
tell　a　bit　what　God　is　like？　Then　how　am　I　to　love　him？　I　never　can
love　him！　I　am　very　miserable！　I　am　not　God's　child！

Thus；　long　after　Miss　Carmichael　had　taken　a　coldly　sorrowful
farewell　of　her；　Arctura　went　round　and　round　the　old　mill…horse
rack　of　her　self…questioning：　God　was　not　to　be　trusted　in　until　she
had　done　something　she　could　not　do；　upon　which　he　would　take　her
into　his　favour；　and　then　she　could　trust　him！　What　a　God　to　give
all　her　heart　to；　to　long　for；　to　dream　of　being　at　home　with！　Then
she　compared　Miss　Carmichael　and　Donal　Grant；　and　thought　whether
Donal　might　not　be　as　likely　to　be　right　as　she。　Oh；　where　was
assurance；　where　was　certainty　about　anything！　How　was　she　ever　to
know？　What　if　the　thing　she　came　to　know　for　certain　should　bea
God　she　could　not　love！

The　next　day　was　Sunday。　Davie　and　his　tutor　overtook　her　going　home
from　church。　It　came　as　of　itself　to　her　lips；　and　she　said；

〃Mr。　Grant；　how　are　we　to　know　what　God　is　like？〃

〃'Philip　saith　unto　him；　Lord；　show　us　the　Father　and　it　sufficeth
us。　Jesus　saith　unto　him；　Have　I　been　so　long　time　with　you；　and　yet
hast　thou　not　known　me；　Philip？　He　that　hath　seen　me　hath　seen　the
father；　and　how　sayest　thou　then；　Show　us　the　father？'〃

Thus　answered　Donal；　without　a　word　of　his　own；　and　though　the　three
walked　side　by　side；　it　was　ten　minutes　before　another　was　spoken。
Then　at　last　said　Arctura；

〃If　I　could　but　see　Christ！〃

〃It　is　not　necessary　to　see　him　to　know　what　he　is　like。　You　can
read　what　those　who　knew　him　said　he　was　like；　that　is　the　first
step　to　understanding　him；　which　is　the　true　seeing；　the　second　is；
doing　what　he　tells　you：　when　you　understand　himthere　is　your
God！〃

》From　that　day　Arctura's　search　took　a　new　departure。　It　is　strange
how　often　one　may　hear　a　thing；　yet　never　have　really　heard　it！　The
heart　can　hear　only　what　it　is　capable　of　hearing；　therefore　〃the
times　of　this　ignorance　God　winked　at；〃　but　alas　for　him　who　will
not　hear　what　he　is　capable　of　hearing！

His　failure　to　get　word　or　even　sight　of　Eppy；　together　with　some
uneasiness　at　the　condition　in　which　her　grandfather　continued；
induced　lord　Forgue　to　accept　the　invitationwhich　his　father　had
taken　pains　to　have　sent　himto　spend　three　weeks　or　a　month　with　a
relative　in　the　north　of　England。　He　would　gladly　have　sent　a
message　to　Eppy　before　he　went；　but　had　no　one　he　could　trust　with
it：　Davie　was　too　much　under　the　influence　of　his　tutor！　So　he
departed　without　sign；　and　Eppy　soon　imagined　he　had　deserted　her。
For　a　time　her　tears　flowed　yet　more　freely；　but　by　and　by　she　began
to　feel　something　of　relief　in　having　the　matter　settled；　for　she
could　not　see　how　they　were　ever　to　be　married。　She　would　have　been
content　to　love　him　always；　she　said　to　herself；　were　there　no
prospect　of　marriage；　or　even　were　there　no　marriage　in