donal grant-第42节

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must　speak　of　a　fact；　concerning　yourself；　which　I　have　no　right　to
keep　from　you。〃

Once　more　a　pause　followed。　There　was　nothing　now　of　the　grand　dame
about　Arctura。

〃Has　nothing　occurred　to　wake　a　doubt　in　you？〃　she　said　at　last；
abruptly。　〃Have　you　not　suspected　him　ofof　using　you　in　any　way？〃

〃I　have　had　an　undefined　ghost　of　a　suspicion；〃　answered　Donal。
〃Please　tell　me　what　you　know。〃

〃I　should　know　nothingalthough；　my　room　being　near　his；　I　should
have　been　the　more　perplexed　about　some　thingshad　he　not　made　an
experiment　upon　myself　a　year　ago。〃

〃Is　it　possible？〃

〃I　sometimes　fancy　I　have　not　been　so　well　since。　It　was　a　great
shock　to　me　when　I　came　to　myself：you　see　I　am　trusting　you；　Mr。
Grant！〃

〃I　thank　you　heartily；　my　lady；〃　said　Donal。

〃I　believe；〃　continued　lady　Arctura；　gathering　courage；　〃that　my
uncle　is　in　the　habit　of　taking　some　horrible　drug　for　the　sake　of
its　effect　on　his　brain。　There　are　people　who　do　so！　What　it　is　I
don't　know；　and　I　would　rather　not　know。　It　is　just　as　bad；　surely；
as　taking　too　much　wine！　I　have　heard　himself　remark　to　Mr。
Carmichael　that　opium　was　worse　than　wine；　for　it　destroyed　the
moral　sense　more。　Mind　I　don't　say　it　is　opium　he　takes！〃

〃There　are　other　things；〃　said　Donal；　〃even　worse！But　surely　you
do　not　mean　he　dared　try　anything　of　the　sort　on　you！〃

〃I　am　sure　he　gave　me　something！　For；　once　that　I　dined　with
him；but　I　cannot　describe　the　effect　it　had　upon　me！　I　think　he
wanted　to　see　its　operation　on　one　who　did　not　even　know　she　had
taken　anything。　The　influence　of　such　things　is　a　pleasant　one；　they
say；　at　first；　but　I　would　not　go　through　such　agonies　as　I　had　for
the　world！〃

She　ceased；　evidently　troubled　by　the　harassing　remembrance。　Donal
hastened　to　speak。

〃It　was　because　of　such　a　suspicion；　my　lady；　that　this　evening　I
would　not　even　taste　his　wine。　I　am　safe　to…night；　I　trust；　from　the
insanityI　can　call　it　nothing　elsethat　possessed　me　the　last　two
nights。〃

〃Was　it　very　dreadful？〃　asked　lady　Arctura。

〃On　the　contrary；　I　had　a　sense　of　life　and　power　such　as　I　could
never　of　myself　have　imagined！〃

〃Oh；　Mr。　Grant；　do　take　care！　Do　not　be　tempted　to　take　it　again。　I
don't　know　where　it　might　not　have　led　me　if　I　had　found　it　as
pleasant　as　it　was　horrible；　for　I　am　sorely　tried　with　painful
thoughts；　and　feel　sometimes　as　if　I　would　do　almost　anything　to　get
rid　of　them。〃

〃There　must　be　a　good　way　of　getting　rid　of　them！　Think　it　of　God's
mercy；〃　said　Donal；　〃that　you　cannot　get　rid　of　them　the　other　way。〃

〃I　do；　I　do！〃

〃The　shield　of　his　presence　was　over　you。〃

〃How　glad　I　should　be　to　think　so！　But　we　have　no　right　to　think　he
cares　for　us　till　we　believe　in　ChristandandI　don't　know　that
I　do　believe　in　him！〃

〃Wherever　you　learned　that；　it　is　a　terrible　lie；〃　said　Donal。　〃Is
not　Christ　the　same　always；　and　is　he　not　of　one　mind　with　God？　Was
it　not　while　we　were　yet　sinners　that　he　poured　out　his　soul　for　us？
It　is　a　fearful　thing　to　say　of　the　perfect　Love；　that　he　is　not
doing　all　he　can；　with　all　the　power　of　a　maker　over　the　creature　he
has　made；　to　help　and　deliver　him！〃

〃I　know　he　makes　his　sun　to　shine　and　his　rain　to　fall　upon　the　evil
and　the　good；　but　those　good　things　are　only　of　this　world！〃

〃Are　those　the　good　things　then　that　the　Lord　says　the　Father　will
give　to　those　that　ask　him？　How　can　you　worship　a　God　who　gives　you
all　the　little　things　he　does　not　care　much　about；　but　will　not　do
his　best　for　you？〃

〃But　are　there　not　things　he　cannot　do　for　us　till　we　believe　in
Christ？〃

〃Certainly　there　are。　But　what　I　want　you　to　see　is　that　he　does　all
that　can　be　done。　He　finds　it　very　hard　to　teach　us；　but　he　is　never
tired　of　trying。　Anyone　who　is　willing　to　be　taught　of　God；　will　by
him　be　taught；　and　thoroughly　taught。〃

〃I　am　afraid　I　am　doing　wrong　in　listening　to　you；　Mr。　Grantand
the　more　that　I　cannot　help　wishing　what　you　say　might　be　true！　But
are　you　not　in　dangeryou　will　pardon　me　for　saying　itof
presumption？How　can　all　the　good　people　be　wrong？〃

〃Because　the　greater　part　of　their　teachers　have　set　themselves　to
explain　God　rather　than　to　obey　and　enforce　his　will。　The　gospel　is
given　to　convince；　not　our　understandings；　but　our　hearts；　that
done；　and　never　till　then；　our　understandings　will　be　free。　Our　Lord
said　he　had　many　things　to　tell　his　disciples；　but　they　were　not
able　to　hear　them。　If　the　things　be　true　which　I　have　heard　from
Sunday　to　Sunday　since　I　came　here；　the　Lord　has　brought　us　no
salvation　at　all；　but　only　a　change　of　shape　to　our　miseries。　They
have　not　redeemed　you；　lady　Arctura；　and　never　will。　Nothing　but
Christ　himself；　your　lord　and　friend　and　brother；　not　all　the
doctrines　about　him；　even　if　every　one　of　them　were　true；　can　save
you。　Poor　orphan　children；　we　cannot　find　our　God；　and　they　would
have　us　take　instead　a　shocking　caricature　of　him！〃

〃But　how　should　sinners　know　what　is　or　is　not　like　the　true　God？〃

〃If　a　man　desires　God；　he　cannot　help　knowing　enough　of　him　to　be
capable　of　learning　moreelse　how　should　he　desire　him？　Made　in　the
image　of　God；　his　idea　of　him　cannot　be　all　wrong。　That　does　not
make　him　fit　to　teach　othersonly　fit　to　go　on　learning　for
himself。　But　in　Jesus　Christ　I　see　the　very　God　I　want。　I　want　a
father　like　him。　He　reproaches　some　of　those　about　him　for　not
knowing　himfor；　if　they　had　known　God；　they　would　have　known　him：
they　were　to　blame　for　not　knowing　God。　No　other　than　the　God
exactly　like　Christ　can　be　the　true　God。　It　is　a　doctrine　of　devils
that　Jesus　died　to　save　us　from　our　father。　There　is　no　safety；　no
good；　no　gladness；　no　purity；　but　with　the　Father；　his　father　and
our　father；　his　God　and　our　God。〃

〃But　God　hates　sin　and　punishes　it！〃

〃It　would　be　terrible　if　he　did　not。　All　hatred　of　sin　is　love　to
the　sinner。　Do　you　think　Jesus　came　to　deliver　us　from　the
punishment　of　our　sins？　He　would　not　have　moved　a　step　for　that。　The
horrible　thing　is　being　bad；　and　all　punishment　is　help　to　deliver
us　from　that；　nor　will　punishment　cease　till　we　have　ceased　to　be
bad。　God　will　have　us　good；　and　Jesus　works　out　the　will　of　his
father。　Where　is　the　refuge　of　the　child　who　fears　his　father？　Is　it
in　the　farthest　corner　of　the　room？　Is　it　down　in　the　dungeon　of　the
castle；　my　lady？〃

〃No；　no！〃　cried　lady　Arctura；　〃in　his　father's　arms！〃

〃There！〃　said　Donal；　and　was　silent。

〃I　hold　by　Jesus！〃　he　added　after　a　pause；　and　rose　as　he　said　it；
but　stood　where　he　rose。

Lady　Arctura　sat　motionless；　divided　between　reverence　for　distorted
and　false　forms　of　truth　taught　her　from　her　earliest　years；　and
desire　after　a　God　whose　very　being　is　the　bliss　of　his　creatures。

Some　time　passed　in　silence；　and　then　she　too　rose　to　depart。　She
held　out　her　hand　to　Donal　with　a　kind　of　irresolute　motion；　but
withdrawing　it；　smiled　almost　beseechingly；　and　said；

〃I　wish　I　might　ask　you　something。　I　know　it　is　a　rude　question；　but
if　you　could　see　all；　you　would　answer　me　and　let　the　offence　go。〃

〃I　will　answer　you　anything　you　choose　to　ask。〃

〃That　makes　it　the　more　difficult；　but　I　willI　cannot　bear　to
remain　longer　in　doubt：　did　you　really　write　that　poem　you　gave　to
Kate　Graemecompose　it；　I　mean；　your　own　self？〃

〃I　made　no　secret　of　that　when　I　gave　it　her；〃　said　Donal；　not
perceiving　her　drift。

〃Then　you　did　really　write　it？〃

Donal　looked　at　her　in　perplexity。　Her　face　grew　very　red；　and　tears
began　to　come　in　her　eyes。

〃You　must　pardon　me！〃　she　said：　〃I　am　so　ignorant！　And　we　live　in
such　an　out…of…the…way　place　thatthat　it　seems　very　unlikely　a
real　poet！　And　then　I　have　been　told　there　are　people　who　have　a
passion　for　appearing　to　do　the　thing　they　are　not　able　to　do；　and　I
was　anxious　to　be　quite　sure！　My　mind　would　keep　brooding　over　it；
and　wondering；　and　longing　to　know　for　certain！So　I　resolved　at
last　that　I　would　be　rid　of　the　doubt；　even　at　the　risk　of　offending
you。　I　know　I　have　been　rudeunpardonably　rude；　but〃

〃But；〃　supplemented　Donal；　with　a　most　sympathetic　smile；　for　he
understood　her　as　his　own　thought；　〃you　do　not　feel　quite　sure　yet！
What　a　priori　reason　do　you　see　why　I　should　not　be　able　to　write
verses？　There　is　no　rule　as　to　where　poetry　grows：　one　place　is　as
good　as　another　for　that！〃

〃I　hope　you　will　forgive　me！　I　hope　I　have　not　offended　you　very
much！〃

〃Nobody　in　such　a　world　as　this　ought　to　be　offended　at　being　asked
for　proof。　If　there　are　in　it　rogues　that　look　like　honest　men；　how
is　any　one；　without　a　special　gift　of　insight；　to　be　always　sure　of
the　honest　man？　Even　the　man　whom　a　woman　loves　best　will　sometimes
tear　her　heart　to　pieces！　I　will　give　you　all　the　proof　you　can
desire。And　lest　the　tempter　should　say　I　made　up　the　proof　itself
between　now　and　to…morrow　morning；　I　will　fetch　it　at　once。〃

〃Oh；　Mr。　Grant；　spare　me！　I　am　not；　indeed　I　am　not　so　bad　as　that！〃

〃Who　can　tell　when　or　whence　the　doubt　may　wake　again；　or　what　may
wake　it！〃

〃At　least　let　me　explain　a　little　before　you　go；〃　she　said。

〃Certainly；〃　he　answered；　reseating　himself；　in　compliance　with　her
example。

〃Miss　Graeme　told　me　that　you　had　neve