the secrets of the princesse de cadignan-第11节

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overlooked　（or　had　not　been　able　to　sell）　in　the　Nivernais；　with　the

noble　chateau　of　d'Anzy。　Monsieur　de　Maufrigneuse　was　steeped　in　debt。

Later　I　learned　what　it　was　to　have　debts；　but　then　I　was　too　utterly

ignorant　of　life　to　suspect　my　position；　the　money　saved　out　of　my

fortune　went　to　pacify　my　husband's　creditors。　Monsieur　de

Maufrigneuse　was　forty…eight　years　of　age　when　I　married　him；　but

those　years　were　like　military　campaigns；　they　ought　to　count　for

twice　what　they　were。　Ah！　what　a　life　I　led　for　ten　years！　If　any　one

had　known　the　suffering　of　this　poor；　calumniated　little　woman！　To　be

watched　by　a　mother　jealous　of　her　daughter！　Heavens！　You　who　make

dramas；　you　will　never　invent　anything　as　direful　as　that。　Ordinarily；

according　to　the　little　that　I　know　of　literature；　a　drama　is　a　suite

of　actions；　speeches；　movements　which　hurry　to　a　catastrophe；　but　what

I　speak　of　was　a　catastrophe　in　action。　It　was　an　avalanche　fallen　in

the　morning　and　falling　again　at　night　only　to　fall　again　the　next

day。　I　am　cold　now　as　I　speak　to　you　of　that　cavern　without　an

opening；　cold；　sombre；　in　which　I　lived。　I；　poor　little　thing　that　I

was！　brought　up　in　a　convent　like　a　mystic　rose；　knowing　nothing　of

marriage；　developing　late；　I　was　happy　at　first；　I　enjoyed　the

goodwill　and　harmony　of　our　family。　The　birth　of　my　poor　boy；　who　is

all　meyou　must　have　been　struck　by　the　likeness？　my　hair；　my　eyes；

the　shape　of　my　face；　my　mouth；　my　smile；　my　teeth！well；　his　birth

was　a　relief　to　me；　my　thoughts　were　diverted　by　the　first　joys　of

maternity　from　my　husband；　who　gave　me　no　pleasure　and　did　nothing　for

me　that　was　kind　or　amiable；　those　joys　were　all　the　keener　because　I

knew　no　others。　It　had　been　so　often　rung　into　my　ears　that　a　mother

should　respect　herself。　Besides；　a　young　girl　loves　to　play　the

mother。　I　was　so　proud　of　my　flowerfor　Georges　was　beautiful；　a

miracle；　I　thought！　I　saw　and　thought　of　nothing　but　my　son；　I　lived

with　my　son。　I　never　let　his　nurse　dress　or　undress　him。　Such　cares；

so　wearing　to　mothers　who　have　a　regiment　of　children；　were　all　my

pleasure。　But　after　three　or　four　years；　as　I　was　not　an　actual　fool；

light　came　to　my　eyes　in　spite　of　the　pains　taken　to　blindfold　me。　Can

you　see　me　at　that　final　awakening；　in　1819？　The　drama　of　'The

Brothers　at　enmity'　is　a　rose…water　tragedy　beside　that　of　a　mother

and　daughter　placed　as　we　then　were。　But　I　braved　them　all；　my　mother；

my　husband；　the　world；　by　public　coquetries　which　society　talked　of；

and　heaven　knows　how　it　talked！　You　can　see；　my　friend；　how　the　men

with　whom　I　was　accused　of　folly　were　to　me　the　dagger　with　which　to

stab　my　enemies。　Thinking　only　of　my　vengeance；　I　did　not　see　or　feel

the　wounds　I　was　inflicting　on　myself。　Innocent　as　a　child；　I　was

thought　a　wicked　woman；　the　worst　of　women；　and　I　knew　nothing　of　it！

The　world　is　very　foolish；　very　blind；　very　ignorant；　it　can　penetrate

no　secrets　but　those　which　amuse　it　and　serve　its　malice：　noble

things；　great　things；　it　puts　its　hand　before　its　eyes　to　avoid

seeing。　But；　as　I　look　back；　it　seems　to　me　that　I　had　an　attitude　and

aspect　of　indignant　innocence；　with　movements　of　pride；　which　a　great

painter　would　have　recognized。　I　must　have　enlivened　many　a　ball　with

my　tempests　of　anger　and　disdain。　Lost　poesy！　such　sublime　poems　are

only　made　in　the　glowing　indignation　which　seizes　us　at　twenty。　Later；

we　are　wrathful　no　longer；　we　are　too　weary；　vice　no　longer　amazes　us；

we　are　cowards；　we　fear。　But　thenoh！　I　kept　a　great　pace！　For　all

that　I　played　the　silliest　personage　in　the　world；　I　was　charged　with

crimes　by　which　I　never　benefited。　But　I　had　such　pleasure　in

compromising　myself。　That　was　my　revenge！　Ah！　I　have　played　many

childish　tricks！　I　went　to　Italy　with　a　thoughtless　youth；　whom　I

crushed　when　he　spoke　to　me　of　love；　but　later；　when　I　herd　that　he

was　compromised　on　my　account　（he　had　committed　a　forgery　to　get

money）　I　rushed　to　save　him。　My　mother　and　husband　kept　me　almost

without　means；　but；　this　time；　I　went　to　the　king。　Louis　XVIII。；　that

man　without　a　heart；　was　touched；　he　gave　me　a　hundred　thousand　francs

from　his　privy　purse。　The　Marquis　d'Esgrignonyou　must　have　seen　him

in　society　for　he　ended　by　making　a　rich　marriagewas　saved　from　the

abyss　into　which　he　had　plunged　for　my　sake。　That　adventure；　caused　by

my　own　folly；　led　me　to　reflect。　I　saw　that　I　myself　was　the　first

victim　of　my　vengeance。　My　mother；　who　knew　I　was　too　proud；　too

d'Uxelles；　to　conduct　myself　really　ill；　began　to　see　the　harm　that

she　had　done　me　and　was　frightened　by　it。　She　was　then　fifty…two　years

of　age；　she　left　Paris　and　went　to　live　at　Uxelles。　There　she　expiates

her　wrong…doing　by　a　life　of　devotion　and　expresses　the　utmost

affection　for　me。　After　her　departure　I　was　face　to　face；　alone；　with

Monsieur　de　Maufrigneuse。　Oh！　my　friend；　you　men　can　never　know　what

an　old　man　of　gallantry　can　be。　What　a　home　is　that　of　a　man

accustomed　to　the　adulation　of　women　of　the　world；　when　he　finds

neither　incense　nor　censer　in　his　own　house！　dead　to　all！　and　yet；

perhaps　for　that　very　reason；　jealous。　I　wishedwhen　Monsieur　de

Maufrigneuse　was　wholly　mineI　wished　to　be　a　good　wife；　but　I　found

myself　repulsed　with　the　harshness　of　a　soured　spirit　by　a　man　who

treated　me　like　a　child　and　took　pleasure　in　humiliating　my　self…

respect　at　every　turn；　in　crushing　me　under　the　scorn　of　his

experience；　and　in　convicting　me　of　total　ignorance。　He　wounded　me　on

all　occasions。　He　did　everything　to　make　me　detest　him　and　to　give　me

the　right　to　betray　him；　but　I　was　still　the　dupe　of　my　own　hope　and

of　my　desire　to　do　right　through　several　years。　Shall　I　tell　you　the

cruel　saying　that　drove　me　to　further　follies？　'The　Duchesse　de

Maufrigneuse　has　gone　back　to　her　husband；'　said　the　world。　'Bah！　it

is　always　a　triumph　to　bring　the　dead　to　life；　it　is　all　she　can　now

do；'　replied　my　best　friend；　a　relation；　she；　at　whose　house　I　met

you〃



〃Madame　d'Espard！〃　cried　Daniel；　with　a　gesture　of　horror。



〃Oh！　I　have　forgiven　her。　Besides；　it　was　very　witty；　and　I　have

myself　made　just　as　cruel　epigrams　on　other　poor　women　as　innocent　as

myself。〃



D'Arthez　again　kissed　the　hand　of　that　saintly　woman　who；　having

hacked　her　mother　in　pieces；　and　turned　the　Prince　de　Cadignan　into　an

Othello；　now　proceeded　to　accuse　herself　in　order　to　appear　in　the

eyes　of　that　innocent　great　man　as　immaculate　as　the　silliest　or　the

wisest　of　women　desire　to　seem　at　all　costs　to　their　lovers。



〃You　will　readily　understand；　my　friend；　that　I　returned　to　society

for　the　purpose　of　excitement　and　I　may　say　of　notoriety。　I　felt　that

I　must　conquer　my　independence。　I　led　a　life　of　dissipation。　To　divert

my　mind；　to　forget　my　real　life　in　fictitious　enjoyments　I　was　gay；　I

shone；　I　gave　fetes；　I　played　the　princess；　and　I　ran　in　debt。　At　home

I　could　forget　myself　in　the　sleep　of　weariness；　able　to　rise　the　next

day　gay；　and　frivolous　for　the　world；　but　in　that　sad　struggle　to

escape　my　real　life　I　wasted　my　fortune。　The　revolution　of　1830　came；

it　came　at　the　very　moment　when　I　had　met；　at　the　end　of　that　Arabian

Nights'　life；　a　pure　and　sacred　love　which　（I　desire　to　be　honest）　I

had　longed　to　know。　Was　it　not　natural　in　a　woman　whose　heart；

repressed　by　many　causes　and　accidents；　was　awakening　at　an　age　when　a

woman　feels　herself　cheated　if　she　has　never　known；　like　the　women　she

sees　about　her；　a　happy　love？　Ah！　why　was　Michel　Chrestien　so

respectful？　Why　did　he　not　seek　to　meet　me？　There　again　was　another

mockery！　But　what　of　that？　in　falling；　I　have　lost　everything；　I　have

no　illusions　left；　I　had　tasted　of　all　things　except　the　one　fruit　for

which　I　have　no　longer　teeth。　Yes；　I　found　myself　disenchanted　with

the　world　at　the　very　moment　when　I　was　forced　to　leave　it。

Providential；　was　it　not？　like　all　those　strange　insensibilities　which

prepare　us　for　death〃　（she　made　a　gesture　full　of　pious　unction）。　〃All

things　served　me　then；〃　she　continued；　〃the　disasters　of　the　monarchy

and　its　ruin　helped　me　to　bury　myself。　My　son　consoles　me　for　much。

Maternal　love　takes　the　place　of　all　frustrated　feelings。　The　world　is

surprised　at　my　retirement；　but　to　me　it　has　brought　peace。　Ah！　if　you

knew　how　happy　the　poor　creature　before　you　is　in　this　little　place。

In　sacrificing　all　to　my　son　I　forget　to　think　of　joys　of　which　I　am

and　ever　must　be　ignorant。　Yes；　hope　has　flown；　I　now　fear　everything；

no　doubt　I　should　repulse　the　truest　sentiment；　the　purest　and　most

veritable　love；　in　memory　of　the　deceptions　and　the　miseries　of　my

life。　It　is　all　horrible；　is　it　not？　and　yet；　what　I　have　told　you　is

the　history　of　many　women。〃



The　last　few　words　were　said　in　a　tone　of　easy　pleasantry　which

recalled　the　presence　of　the　woman　of　the　world。　D'Arthez　was

dumbfounded。　In　his　eyes　convicts　sent　to　the　galleys　for　murder；　or

aggravated　robbery；　or　for　puttin