bleak house(凄凉的房子)-第205节
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some bare stairs； and knocked with his knuckles at a door and left
us。
“Now then！” cried Richard from within。 So I left Charley in the
little passage； and going on to the half…open door； said； “Can I
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come in； Richard？ It’s only Dame Durden。”
He was writing at a table； with a great confusion of clothes； tin
cases； books； boots； brushes； and portmanteaus strewn all about
the floor。 He was only half…dressed—in plain clothes； I observed；
not in uniform—and his hair was unbrushed； and he looked as
wild as his room。 All this I saw after he had heartily welcomed me；
and I was seated near him； for he started upon hearing my voice；
and caught me in his arms in a moment。 Dear Richard！ He was
ever the same to me。 Down to—ah； poor； poor fellow！—to the end；
he never received me but with something of his old merry boyish
manner。
“Good Heaven； my dear little woman；” said he； “how do you
come here。 Who could have thought of seeing you！ Nothing the
matter？ Ada is well？”
“Quite well。 Lovelier than ever； Richard！”
“Ah！” he said； leaning back in his chair。 “My poor cousin！ I was
writing to you； Esther。”
So worn and haggard as he looked； even in the fulness of his
handsome youth； leaning back in his chair； and crushing the
closely written sheet of paper in his hand！
“Have you been at the trouble of writing all that； and am I not
to read it after all？” I asked。
“Oh my dear；” he returned； with a hopeless gesture。 “You may
read it in the whole room。 It is all over here。”
I mildly entreated him not to be despondent。 I told him that I
had heard by chance of his being in difficulty； and had come to
consult with him what could best be done。
“Like you； Esther； but useless； and so not like you！” said he with
a melancholy smile。 “I am away on leave this day—should have
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been gone in another hour—and that is to smooth it over； for my
selling out。 Well！ Let bygones be bygones。 So this calling follows
the rest。 I only want to have been in the church； to have made the
round of all the professions。”
“Richard；” I urged； “it is not so hopeless as that？”
“Esther；” he returned； “it is indeed。 I am just so near disgrace
as that those who are put in authority over me （as the catechism
goes） would far rather be without me than with me。 And they are
right。 Apart from debts and duns； and all such drawbacks； I am
not fit even for this employment。 I have no care； no mind； no heart；
no soul； but for one thing。 Why； if this bubble hadn’t broken now；”
he said； tearing the letter he had written into fragments； and
moodily casting them away； by driblets； “how could I have gone
abroad？ I must have been ordered abroad； but how could I have
gone。 How could I； with my experience of that thing； trust even
Vholes unless I was at his back！”
I suppose he knew by my face what I was about to say； but he
caught the hand I had laid upon his arm； and touched my own lips
with it to prevent me from going on。
“No； Dame Durden！ Two subjects I forbid—must forbid。 The
first is John Jarndyce。 The second； you know what。 Call it
madness； and I tell you I can’t help it now； and can’t be sane。 But
it is no such thing； it is the one object I have to pursue。 It is a pity I
ever was prevailed upon to turn out of my road for any other。 It
would be wisdom to abandon it now； after all the time； anxiety and
pains I have bestowed upon it！ O yes； true wisdom。 It would be
very agreeable； too； to some people； but I never will。”
He was in that mood in which I thought it best not to increase
his determination （if anything could increase it） by opposing him。 I
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took out Ada’s letter and put it in his hand。
“Am I to read it now？” he asked。
As I told him yes； he laid it on the table； and； resting his head
upon his hand； began。 He had not read far； when he rested his
head upon his two hands—to hide his face from me。 In a little
while he rose as if the light were bad； and went to the window。 He
finished reading it there； with his back towards me； and； after he
had finished and had folded it up； stood there for some minutes
with the letter in his hand。 When he came back to his chair； I saw
tears in his eyes。
“Of course； Esther； you know what she says here？” He spoke in
a softened voice； and kissed the letter as he asked me。
“Yes； Richard。”
“Offers me；” he went on； tapping his foot upon the floor； “the
little inheritance she is certain of so soon—just as little and as
much as I have wasted—and begs and prays me to take it； set
myself right with it； and remain in the service。”
“I know your welfare to be the dearest wish of her heart；” said
I。 “And O； my dear Richard； Ada’s is a noble heart！”
“I am sure it is。 I—I wish I was dead！”
He went back to the window； and laying his arm across it；
leaned his head down on his arm。 It greatly affected me to see him
so； but I hoped he might become more yielding； and I remained
silent。 My experience was very limited； I was not at all prepared
for his rousing himself out of this emotion to a new sense of injury。
“And this is the heart that the same John Jarndyce； who is not
otherwise to be mentioned between us； stepped in to estrange
from me；” said he； indignantly。 “And the dear girl makes me this
generous offer from under the same John Jarndyce’s roof； and
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with the same John Jarndyce’s gracious consent and connivance； I
dare say； as a new means of buying me off。”
“Richard！” I cried out； rising hastily； “I will not hear you say
such shameful words！” I was very angry with him； indeed； for the
first time in my life； but it only lasted a moment。 When I saw his
worn young face looking at me； as if he were sorry； I put my hand
on his shoulder； and said； “If you please； my dear Richard； do not
speak in such a tone to me。 Consider！”
He blamed himself exceedingly； and told me in the most
generous manner； that he had been very wrong； and that he
begged my pardon a thousand times。 At that I laughed； but
trembled a little too； for I was rather fluttered after being so fiery。
“To accept this offer； my dear Esther；” said he； sitting down
beside me； and resuming our conversation；—“once more； pray；
pray forgive me； I am deeply grieved—to accept my dearest
cousin’s offer is； I need not say； impossible。 Besides； I have letters
and papers that I could show you； which would convince you it is
all over here。 I have done with the red coat； believe me。 But it is
some satisfaction； in the midst of my troubles and perplexities； to
know that I am pressing Ada’s interests in pressing my own。
Vholes has his shoulder to the wheel； and he cannot help urging it
on as much for her as for me； thank God！”
His sanguine hopes were rising within him； and lighting up his
features； but they made his face more sad to me than it had been
before。
“No； no！” cried Richard； exultingly。 “If every farthing of Ada’s
little fortune were mine； no part of it should be spent in retaining
me in what I am not fit for； can take no interest in； and am weary
of。 It should be devoted to what promises a better return； and
