bleak house(凄凉的房子)-第202节
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altered and of those around me so unchanged； and all this
happiness shone like a light； from one central figure； represented
before me by the letter on the table。
I opened it and read it。 It was so impressive in its love for me；
and in the unselfish caution it gave me； and the consideration it
showed for me in every word； that my eyes were too often blinded
to read much at a time。 But I read it through three times； before I
laid it down。 I had thought beforehand that I knew its purport； and
I did。 It asked me； would I be the mistress of Bleak House。
It was not a love letter though it expressed so much love； but
was written just as he would at any time have spoken to me。 I saw
his face； and heard his voice； and felt the influence of his kind
protecting manner； in every line。 It addressed me as if our places
were reversed： as if all the good deeds had been mine； and all the
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feelings they had awakened； his。 It dwelt on my being young； and
he past the prime of life； on his having attained a ripe age； while I
was a child； on his writing to me with a silvered head； and
knowing all this so well as to set it in full before me for mature
deliberation。 It told me that I would gain nothing by such a
marriage； and lose nothing by rejecting it； for no new relation
could enhance the tenderness in which he held me； and whatever
my decision was； he was certain it would be right。 But he had
considered this step anew； since our late confidence； and had
decided on taking it； if it only served to show me； through one
poor instance； that the whole world would readily unite to falsify
the stern prediction of my childhood。 I was the last to know what
happiness I could bestow upon him； but of that he said no more；
for I was always to remember that I owed him nothing； and that he
was my debtor； and for very much。 He had often thought of our
future； and； foreseeing that the time must come； and fearing that it
might come soon； when Ada （now very nearly of age） would leave
us； and when our present mode of life must be broken up； had
become accustomed to reflect on this proposal。 Thus he made it。 If
I felt that I could ever give him the best right he could have to be
my protector； and if I felt that I could happily and justly become
the dear companion of his remaining life； superior to all lighter
chances and changes than Death； even then he could not have me
bind myself irrevocably； while this letter was yet so new to me；
but； even then； I must have ample time for reconsideration。 In that
case； or in the opposite case； let him be unchanged in his old
relation； in his old manner； in the old name by which I called him。
And as to his bright Dame Durden and little housekeeper； she
would ever be the same； he knew。
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This was the substance of the letter； written throughout with a
justice and a dignity； as if he were indeed my responsible
guardian； impartially representing the proposal of a friend against
whom in his integrity he stated the full case。
But he did not hint to me； that when I had been better looking；
he had had this same proceeding in his thoughts； and had
refrained from it。 That when my old face was gone from me； and I
had no attractions； he could love me just as well as in my fairer
days。 That the discovery of my birth gave him no shock。 That his
generosity rose above my disfigurement； and my inheritance of
shame。 That the more I stood in need of such fidelity； the more
firmly I might trust in him to the last。
But I knew it； I knew it well now。 It came upon me as the close
of the benignant history I had been pursuing； and I felt that I had
but one thing to do。 To devote my life to his happiness was to
thank him poorly； and what had I wished for the other night but
some new means of thanking him？
Still I cried very much； not only in the fulness of my heart after
reading the letter； not only in the strangeness of the prospect—for
it was strange though I had expected the contents—but as if
something for which there was no name or distinct idea were
indefinitely lost to me。 I was very happy； very thankful； very
hopeful； but I cried very much。
By…and…by I went to my old glass。 My eyes were red and
swollen； and I said； “O Esther； Esther； can that be you！” I am
afraid the face in the glass was going to cry again at this reproach；
but I held up my finger at it； and it stopped。
“That is more like the composed look you comforted me with；
my dear； when you showed me such a change！” said I； beginning
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to let down my hair。 “When you are mistress of Bleak House； you
are to be as cheerful as a bird。 In fact； you are always to be
cheerful； so let us begin for once and for all。”
I went on with my hair now； quite comfortably。 I sobbed a little
still； but that was because I had been crying； not because I was
crying then。
“And so； Esther； my dear； you are happy for life。 Happy with
your best friends； happy in your old home； happy in the power of
doing a great deal of good； and happy in the undeserved love of
the best of men。”
I thought； all at once； if my Guardian had married some one
else； how should I have felt； and what should I have done！ That
would have been a change indeed。 It presented my life in such a
new and blank form； that I rang my housekeeping keys and gave
them a kiss before I laid them down in their basket again。
Then I went on to think； as I dressed my hair before the glass；
how often had I considered within myself that the deep traces of
my illness； and the circumstances of my birth； were only new
reasons why I should be busy； busy； busy—useful； amiable；
serviceable； in all honest； unpretending ways。 This was a good
time； to be sure； to sit down morbidly and cry！ As to its seeming at
all strange to me at first （if that were any excuse for crying； which
it was not） that I was one day to be the mistress of Bleak House；
why should it seem strange？ Other people had thought of such
things； if I had not。 “Don’t you remember； my plain dear；” I asked
myself； looking at the glass； “what Mrs Woodcourt said before
those scars were there； about your marrying—”
Perhaps the name brought them to my remembrance。 The
dried remains of the flowers。 It would be better not to keep them
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Bleak House 842
now。 They had only been preserved in memory of something
wholly past and gone； but it would be better not to keep them now。
They were in a book； and it happened to be in the next room—
our sitting…room； dividing Ada’s chamber from mine。 I took a
candle； and went softly in to fetch it from its shelf。 After I had it in
my hand； I saw my beautiful darling； through the open door； lying
asleep； and I stole in to kiss her。
It was weak in me； I know； and I could have no reason for
crying； but I dropped a tear upon her dear face； and another； and
another。 Weaker than that； I took the withered flowers out； and
put them for a moment to her lips。 I thought about her love for
Richard； though； indeed； the flow
