a new england girlhood-第37节
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My friend Angeline； with whom I used to read 〃Paradise Lost；〃 went to Ohio as a teacher； and returned the following year； for a very brief visit； however；and with a husband。 Another acquaintance was in Wisconsin； teaching a pioneer school。 Eliza； my intimate companion； was about to be married to a clergyman。 She； too； eventually settled at the West。
The event which brought most change into my own life was the marriage of my sister Emilie。 It involved the breaking up of our own little family； of which she had really been the 〃houseband；〃 the return of my mother to my sisters at Beverly； and my going to board among strangers； as other girls did。 I found excellent quarters and kind friends； but the home…life was ended。
My sister's husband was a grammar school master in the city； and their cottage； a mile or more out； among the open fields； was my frequent refuge from homesickness and the general clatter。 Our partial separation showed me how much I had depended upon my sister。 I had really let her do most of my thinking for me。 Henceforth I was to trust to my own resources。 I was no longer the 〃little sister〃 who could ask what to do； and do as she was told。 It often brought me a feeling of dismay to find that I must make up my own mind about things small and great。 And yet I was naturally self…reliant。 I am not sure but self…reliance and dependence really belong together。 They do seem to meet in the same character； like other extremes。
The health of Emilie's husband failing； after a year or two； it was evident that be must change his employment and his residence。 He decided to go with his brother to Illinois and settle upon a prairie farm。 Of course his wife and baby boy must go too； and with the announcement of this decision came an invitation to me to accompany them。 I had no difficulty as to my response。 It was just what I wanted to do。 I was to teach a district school； but what there was beyond that； I could not guess。 I liked to feel that it was all as vague as the unexplored regions to which I was going。 My friend and room…mate Sarah； who was preparing herself to be a teacher； was invited to join us； and she was glad to do so。 It was all quickly settled； and early in the spring of 1846 we left New England。
When I came to a realization of what I was leaving； when good…bys had to be said； I began to feel very sorrowful； and to wish it was not to be。 I said positively that I should soon return； but underneath my protestations I was afraid that I might not。 The West was very far off then； a full week's journey。 It would be hard getting back。 Those I loved might die； I might die myself。 These thoughts passed through my mind； though not through my lips。 My eyes would sometimes tell the story； however； and I fancy that my tearful farewells must have seemed ridiculous to many of my friends； since my going was of my own cheerful choice。
The last meeting of the Improvement Circle before I went away was a kind of surprise party to me。 Several original poems were read； addressed to me personally。 I am afraid that I received it all in a dumb； undemonstrative way； for I could not make it seem real that I was the person meant； or that I was going away at all。 But I treasured those tributes of sympathy afterwards； under the strange； spacious skies where I sometimes felt so alone。
The editors of the 〃Offering〃 left with me a testimonial in money； accompanied by an acknowledgment of my contributions during several years； but I had never dreamed of pay； and did not know how to look upon it so。 I took it gratefully； however； as a token of their appreciation； and twenty dollars was no small help toward my outfit。 Friends brought me books and other keepsakes。 Our minister； gave me D'Aubigne's 〃History of the Reformation〃 as a parting gift。 It was quite a circumstance to be 〃going out West。〃
The exhilaration of starting off on one's first long journey； young； ignorant； buoyant； expectant； is unlike anything else； unless it be youth itself； the real beginning of the real journey life。 Annoyances are overlooked。 Everything seems romantic and dreamlike。
We went by a southerly route； on account of starting so early in the season there was snow on the ground the day we left。 On the second day； after a moonlight night on Long Island Sound； we were floating down the Delaware； between shores misty…green with buidding willows； then （most of us seasick； though I was not） we were tossed across Chesapeake Bay； then there was a railway ride to the Alleghanies； which gave us glimpses of the Potomac and the Blue Ridge； and of the lovely scenery around Harper's Ferry； then followed a stifling night on the mountains； when we were packed like sardines into a stagecoach； without a breath of air； and the passengers were cross because the baby cried； while I felt inwardly glad that one voice among us could give utterance to the general discomfort； my own part of which I could have borne if I could only have had an occasional peep out at the mountain…side。 After that it was all river…voyaging； down the Monongahela into the Ohio； and up the Mississippi。
As I recall this part of it； I should say that it was the perfection of a Western journey to travel in early spring by an Ohio River steamboat；such steamboats as they had forty years ago； comfortable； roomy； and well ordered。 The company was social； as Western emigrants were wont to be when there were not so very many of them； and the shores of the river； then only thinly populated； were a constantly shifting panorama of wilderness beauty。 I have never since seen a combination of spring colors so delicate as those shown by the uplifted forests of the Ohio； where the pure white of the dogwood and the peach… bloom tint of the red…bud （Judas tree） were contrasted with soft shades of green； almost endlessly various； on the unfolding leafage。
Contrasted with the Ohio； the Mississippi had nothing to show but breadth and muddiness。 More than one of us glanced at its level shores； edged with a monotonous growth of cottonwood； and sent back a sigh towards the banks of the Merrimack。 But we did not let each other know what the sigh was for； until long after。 The breaking…up of our little company when the steamboat landed at Saint Louis was like the ending of a pleasant dream。 We had to wake up to the fact that by striking due east thirty or forty miles across that monotonous Greenness； we should reach our destination； and must accept whatever we should find there； with such grace as we could。
What we did find； and did not find； there is not room fully to relate here。 Ours was at first the roughest kind of pioneering experience； such as persons brought up in our well…to…do New England could not be in the least prepared for； though they might imagine they were； as we did。 We were dropped down finally upon a vast green expense； extending hundreds of miles north and south through the State of Illinois； then known as Looking…Glass Prairie。 The nearest cabin to our own was about a mile away； and so small that at that distance it looked like a shingle set up endwise in the grass。 Nothing else was in sight； not even a tree； although we could see miles and miles in every direction。 There were only the hollow blue heavens above us and the level green prairie around us；an immensity of intense loneliness。 We seldom saw a cloud in the sky； and never a pebble beneath our feet。 If we could have picked up the commonest one； we should have treasured it like a diamond。 Nothing in nature now seemed so beautiful to us as rocks。 We had never dreamed of a world without them； it seemed like living on a floor without walls or foundations。
After a while we became accustomed to the vast sameness； and even liked it in a lukewarm way。 And there were times when it filled us with emotions of grandeur。 Boundlessness in itself is impressive； it makes us feel our littleness； and yet releases us from that littleness。
The grass was always astir； blowing one way； like the waves of the sea； for there was a steady； almost an unvarying wind from the south。 It was like the sea； and yet even more wonderful； for it was a sea of living and growing things。 The Spirit of God was moving upon the face of the earth； and breathing everything into life。 We were but specks on the great landscape。 But God was above it all； penetrating it and us with his infinite warmth。 The distance from human beings made the Invisible One seem so near！ Only Nature and ourselves now； face to face with Him！
We could scarcely have found in all the world a more complete contrast to the moving crowds and the whir and dust of the City of Spindles； than this unpeopled； silent prairie。
For myself； I know that I was sent in upon my own thoughts deeper than I had ever been before。 I began to question things which I had never before doubted。 I must have reality。 Nothing but transparent truth would bear the test of this great； solitary stillness。 As the prairies lay open to the sunshine； my heart seemed to lie bare beneath the piercing eye of the All…Seeing。 I may say with gratitude that only some superficial rubbish of acquired opinion was scorched away by this searching light and heat。 The faith of my childhood； in its simplest elements； took firmer root as it found broad
