a new england girlhood-第23节
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； it has only been permitted to me as an aside from other more pressing employments。 Whether I should have written better verses had circumstances left me free to do what I chose； it is impossible now to know。
All my thoughts about my future sent me back to Aunt Hannah and my first infantile idea of being a teacher。 I foresaw that I should be that before I could be or do any thing else。 It had been impressed upon me that I must make myself useful in the world； and certainly one could be useful who could 〃keep school〃 as Aunt Hannah did。 I did not see anything else for a girl to do who wanted to use her brains as well as her hands。 So the plan of preparing myself to be a teacher gradually and almost uncon… sciously shaped itself in my mind as the only practicable one。 I could earn my living in that way；all…important consideration。
I liked the thought of self…support； but I would have chosen some artistic or beautiful work if I could。 I had no especial aptitude for teaching； and no absorbing wish to be a teacher； but it seemed to me that I might succeed if I tried。 What I did like about it was that one must know something first。 I must acquire knowledge before I could impart it； and that was just what I wanted。 I could be a student； wherever I was and whatever else I had to be or do； and I would！
I knew I should write； I could not help doing that； for my hand seemed instinctively to move towards pen and paper in moments of leisure。 But to write anything worth while； I must have mental cultivation； so； in preparing myself to teach； I could also be preparing myself to write。
This was the plan that indefinitely shaped itself in my mind as I returned to my work in the spinning…room； and which I followed out； not without many breaks and hindrances and neglects； during the next six or seven years；to learn all I could； so that I should be fit to teach or to write； as the way opened。 And it turned out that fifteen or twenty of my best years were given to teaching。
VIII。
BY THE RIVER。
IT did not take us younger ones long to get acquainted with our new home； and to love it。
To live beside a river had been to me a child's dream of romance。 Rivers； as I pictured them； came down from the mountains； and were born in the clouds。 They were bordered by green meadows； and graceful trees leaned over to gaze into their bright mirrors。 Our shallow tidal creek was the only river I had known； except as visioned on the pages of the 〃Pilgrim's Progress；〃 and in the Book of Revelation。 And the Merrimack was like a continuation of that dream。
I soon made myself familiar with the rocky nooks along Pawtucket Falls； shaded with hemlocks and white birches。 Strange new wild flowers grew beside the rushing waters； among them Sir Walter Scott's own harebells； which I had never thought of except as blossoms of poetry； here they were； as real to me as to his Lady of the Lake！ I loved the harebell； the first new flower the river gave me； as I had never loved a flower before。
There was but one summers holiday for us who worked in the mills the Fourth of July。 We made a point of spending it out of doors； making excursions down the river to watch the meeting of the slow Concord and the swift Merrimack； or around by the old canal…path； to explore the mysteries of the Guard Locks； or across the bridge； clambering up Dracut Heights； to look away to the dim blue mountains。
On that morning it was our custom to wake one another at four o'clock； and start off on a tramp together over some retired road whose chief charm was its unfamiliarity； returning to a very late breakfast； with draggled gowns and aprons full of dewy wild roses。 No matter if we must get up at five the next morning and go back to our hum…drum toil； we should have the roses to take with us for company； and the sweet air of the woodland which lingered about them would scent our thoughts all day； and make us forget the oily smell of the machinery。
We were children still； whether at school or at work； and Nature still held us close to her motherly heart。 Nature came very close to the mill…gates； too； in those days。 There was green grass all around them； violets and wild geraniums grew by the canals； and long stretches of open land between the corporation buildings and the street made the town seem country…like。
The slope behind our mills （the 〃Lawrence〃 Mills） was a green lawn； and in front of some of them the overseers had gay flower… gardens； we passed in to our work through a splendor of dahlias and hollyhocks。
The gray stone walls of St。 Anne's church and rectory made a picturesque spot in the middle of the town； remaining still as a lasting monument to the religious purpose which animated the first manufacturers。 The church arose close to the oldest corporation （the 〃Merrimack〃）； and seemed a part of it； and a part； also； of the original idea of the place itself； which was always a city of worshipers； although it came to be filled with a population which preferred meeting…houses to churches。 I admired the church greatly。 I had never before seen a real one； never anything but a plain frame meeting…house； and it and its benign； apostolic…looking rector were like a leaf out of an English story…book。
And so； also； was the tiny white cottage nearly opposite； set in the middle of a pretty flower…garden that sloped down to the canal。 In the garden there was almost always a sweet little girl in a pink gown and white sunbonnet gathering flowers when I passed that way； and I often went out of my path to do so。 These relieved the monotony of the shanty…like shops which bordered the main street。 The town had sprung up with a mushroom…rapidity； and there was no attempt at veiling the newness of its bricks and mortar； its boards and paint。
But there were buildings that had their own individuality； and asserted it。 One of these was a mud…cabin with a thatched roof； that looked as if it had emigrated bodily from the bogs of Ireland。 It had settled itself down into a green hollow by the roadside； and it looked as much at home with the lilac…tinted crane's…bill and yellow buttercups as if it had never lost sight of the shamrocks of Erin。
Now； too； my childish desire to see a real beggar was gratified。 Straggling petitioners for 〃cold victuals〃 hung around our back yard； always of Hibernian extraction； and a slice of bread was rewarded with a shower of benedictions that lost itself upon us in the flood of its own incomprehensible brogue。
Some time every summer a fleet of canoes would glide noiselessly up the river； and a company of Penobscot Indians would land at a green point almost in sight from our windows。 Pawtucket Falls had always been one of their favorite camping…places。 Their strange endeavors； to combine civilization with savagery were a great source of amusement to us； men and women clad alike in loose gowns； stove…pipe hats； and moccasons； grotesque relies of aboriginal forest…life。 The sight of these uncouth…looking red men made the romance fade entirely out of the Indian stories we had heard。 Still their wigwam camp was a show we would not willingly have missed。
The transition from childhood to girlhood； when a little girl has had an almost unlimited freedom of out…of…door life； is practically the toning down of a mild sort of barbarianism； and is often attended by a painfully awkward self…consciousness。 I had an innate dislike of conventionalities。 I clung to the child's inalienable privilege of running half wild； and when I found that I really was growing up； I felt quite rebellious。
I was as tall as a woman at thirteen； and my older sisters insisted upon lengthening my dresses； and putting up my mop of hair with a comb。 I felt injured and almost outraged because my protestations against this treatment were unheeded and when the transformation in my visible appearance was effected； I went away by myself and had a good cry； which I would not for the world have had them know about； as that would have added humiliation to my distress。 And the greatest pity about it was that I too soon became accustomed to the situation。 I felt like a child； but considered it my duty to think and behave like a woman。 I began to look upon it as a very serious thing to live。 The untried burden seemed already to have touched my shoulders。 For a time I was morbidly self…critical； and at the same time extremely reserved。 The associates I chose were usually grave young women； ten or fifteen years older than myself； but I think I felt older and appeared older than they did。
Childhood； however； is not easily defrauded of its birthright； and mine soon reasserted itself。 At home I was among children of my own age； for some cousins and other acquaintances had come to live and work with us。 We had our evening frolics and entertain… ments together； and we always made the most of our brief holiday hours。 We had also with us now the sister Emilie of my fairy…tale memories； who had grown into a strong； earnest…hearted woman。 We all looked up to her as our model； and the ideal of our heroine… worship； for our deference to her in every way did amount to that。
She watched over us； gave us needed reproof and commendation； rarely cosseted us； but rather made us laugh at what many would have cons
