the notch on the ax and on being found out-第79节

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for　the　actual；　tangible　suffering　before　me。　　I　stretched　out　my
hand　to　his；　and　his　fingers　closed　on　mine　with　a　sudden；　painful
grip。　　Then　quietly

〃I　will　tell　you　the　story；〃　he　said；　〃though　since　that　miserable
time　I　have　spoken　of　it　to　no　one。〃

There　was　a　pause　before　he　began。　　He　lay　there　by　my　side；　his
gaze　turned　across　me　up　the　sunbright；　autumn…tinted　glen；　but　his
eyes　shadowed　by　the　memories　which　he　was　striving　to　recall　and
arrange　in　due　order　in　his　mind。　　And　when　he　did　speak　it　was　not
directly　to　begin　the　promised　recital。

〃You　never　knew　Jack；〃　he　said；　abruptly。

〃Hardly；〃　I　acquiesced。　　〃I　remember　thinking　him　very　handsome。〃

〃There　could　not　be　two　opinions　as　to　that；〃　he　answered。　　〃And　a
man　who　could　have　done　anything　he　liked　with　life；　had　things
gone　differently。　　His　abilities　were　fine；　but　his　strength　lay
above　all　in　his　character：　he　was　strong；strong　in　his　likes　and
in　his　dislikes；　resolute；　fearless；　incapable　of　half　measuresa
man；　every　inch　of　him。　　He　was　not　generally　popularstiff；　hard；
unsympathetic；　people　called　him。　　From　one　point　of　view；　and　one
only；　he　perhaps　deserved　the　epithets。　　If　a　woman　lost　his
respect　she　seemed　to　lose　his　pity　too。　　Like　a　mediaeval　monk；　he
looked　upon　such　rather　as　the　cause　than　the　result　of　male
depravity；　and　his　contempt　for　them　mingled　with　anger；　almost；　as
I　sometimes　thought；　with　hatred。　　And　this　attitude　was；　I　have　no
doubt；　resented　by　the　men　of　his　own　class　and　set；　who　shared
neither　his　faults　nor　his　virtues。　　But　in　other　ways　he　was　not
hard。　　He　could　love；　I；　at　least；　have　cause　to　know　it。　　If　you
would　hear　his　story　rightly　from　my　lips；　Evie；　you　must　try　and
see　him　with　my　eyes。　　The　friend　who　loved　me；　and　whom　I　loved
with　the　passion　which；　if　not　the　strongest；　is　certainly；　I
believe；　the　most　enduring　of　which　men　are　capable；that　perfect
brother's　love；　which　so　grows　into　our　being　that　when　it　is　at
peace　we　are　scarcely　conscious　of　its　existence；　and　when　it　is
wounded　our　very　life…blood　seems　to　flow　at　the　stroke。　　Brothers
do　not　always　love　like　that：　I　can　only　wish　that　we　had　not　done
so。


VII


〃Well；　about　five　years　ago；　before　I　had　taken　my　degree；　I　became
acquainted　with　a　woman　whom　I　will　call　'Delia；'it　is　near
enough　to　the　name　by　which　she　went。　　She　was　a　few　years　older
than　myself；　very　beautiful；　and　I　believed　her　to　be　what　she
described　herselfthe　innocent　victim　of　circumstance　and　false
appearance；　a　helpless　prey　to　the　vile　calumnies　of　worldlings。
In　sober　fact；　I　am　afraid　that；　whatever　her　life　may　have　been
actually　at　the　time　that　I　knew　hera　subject　which　I　have　never
cared　to　investigateher　past　had　been　not　only　bad　enough
irretrievably　to　fix　her　position　in　society；　but　bad　enough　to
leave　her　without　an　ideal　in　the　world；　though　still　retaining
within　her　heart　the　possibilities　of　a　passion　which；　from　the
moment　that　it　came　to　life；　was　strong　enough　to　turn　her　whole
existence　into　one　desperate　reckless　straining　after　an　object
hopelessly　beyond　her　reach。　　That　was　the　woman　with　whom；　at　the
age　of　twenty；　I　fancied　myself　in　love。　　She　wanted　to　get　a
husband；　and　she　thought　merightlyass　enough　to　accept　the
post。　　I　was　very　young　then　even　for　my　years；a　student；　an
idealist；　with　an　imagination　highly　developed；　and　no　knowledge
whatever　of　the　world　as　it　actually　is。　　Anyhow；　before　I　had
known　her　a　month；　I　had　determined　to　make　her　my　wife。　　My
parents　were　abroad　at　the　time；　George　and　Lucy　here；　so　that　it
was　to　Jack　that　I　imparted　the　news　of　my　resolve。　　As　you　may
imagine；　he　did　all　that　he　could　to　shake　it。　　But　I　was
immovable。　　I　disbelieved　his　facts；　and　despised　his　contempt　from
the　standpoint　of　my　own　superior　morality。　　This　state　of　things
continued　for　several　weeks；　during　the　greater　part　of　which　time
I　was　at　Oxford。　　I　only　knew　that　while　I　was　there；　Jack　had　made
Delia's　acquaintance；　and　was　apparently　cultivating　it
assiduously。

〃One　day；　during　the　Easter　vacation；　I　got　a　note　from　her　asking
me　to　supper　at　her　house。　　Jack　was　invited　too：　we　lodged
together　while　my　people　were　away。

〃There　is　no　need　to　dwell　upon　that　supper。　　There　were　two　or
three　women　there　of　her　own　sort；　or　worse；　and　a　dozen　men　from
among　the　most　profligate　in　London。　　The　conversation　was；　I
should　think；　bad　even　for　that　class；　and　she；　the　goddess　of　my
idolatry；　outstripped　them　all　by　the　foul；　coarse　shamelessness　of
her　language　and　behavior。　　Before　the　entertainment　was　half　over；
I　rose　and　took　my　leave；　accompanied　by　Jack　and　another　man；
Legard　was　his　name；who　I　presume　was　bored。　　Just　as　we　had
passed　through　into　the　anteroom；　which　lay　beyond　the　one　in　which
we　had　been　eating；　Delia　followed　us；　and　laying　her　hand　on
Jack's　arm；　said　that　she　must　speak　with　him。　　Legard　and　I　went
into　the　outer　hall；　and　we　had　not　been　there　more　than　a　minute
when　the　door　from　the　anteroom　opened；　and　we　heard　Delia's　voice。
I　remember　the　words　well；that　was　not　the　only　occasion　on　which
I　was　to　hear　them。　　'I　will　keep　the　ring　as　a　record　of　my　love；'
she　said；　'and　understand；　that　though　you　may　forget；　I　never
shall。'　　Jack　came　through；　the　door　closed；　and　as　we　went　out　I
glanced　towards　his　left　hand；　and　saw；　as　I　expected　to　see；　the
absence　of　the　ring　which　he　usually　wore　there。　　It　contained　a
gem　which　my　mother　had　picked　up　in　the　East；　and　I　knew　that　he
valued　it　quite　peculiarly。　　We　always　called　it　Jack's　talisman。

〃A　miserable　time　followed；　a　time　for　me　of　agonizing　wonder　and
doubt；　during　which　regret　for　my　dead　illusion　was　entirely
swallowed　up　in　the　terrible　dread　of　my　brother's　degradation。
Then　came　the　announcement　of　his　engagement　to　Lady　Sylvia　Grey；
and　a　week　later；　the　very　day　after　I　had　finally　returned　to
London　from　Oxford；　I　received　a　summons　from　Delia　to　come　and　see
her。　　Curiosity；　and　the　haunting　fear　about　Jack；　which　still　hung
round　me；　induced　me　to　consent　to　what　otherwise　would　have　been
intolerably　repellent　to　me；　and　I　went。　　I　found　her　in　a　mad
passion　of　fury。　　Jack　had　refused　to　see　her　or　to　answer　her
letters；　and　she　had　sent　for　me；　that　I　might　give　him　her
message；tell　him　that　he　belonged　to　her　and　her　only；　and　that
he　never　should　marry　another　woman。　　Angry　at　my　interference；
Jack　disdained　even　to　repudiate　her　claims；　only　sending　back　a
threat　of　appealing　to　the　police　if　she　ventured　upon　any　further
annoyance。　　I　wrote　as　she　told　me；　and　she　emphasized　my　silence
on　the　subject　by　writing　back　to　me　a　more　definite　and　explicit
assertion　of　her　rights。　　Beyond　that　for　some　weeks　she　made　no
sign。　　I　have　no　doubt　that　she　had　means　of　keeping　watch　upon
both　his　movements　and　mine；　and　during　that　time；　as　she
relinquished　gradually　all　hopes　of　inducing　him　to　abandon　his
purpose；　she　was　being　driven　to　her　last　despairing　resolve。

〃Later；　when　all　was　over；　Jack　told　me　the　story　of　that　spring
and　summer。　　He　told　me　how；　when　he　found　me　immovable　on　the
subject；　he　had　resolved　to　stop　the　marriage　somehow　through　Delia
herself。　　He　had　made　her　acquaintance；　and　sought　her　society
frequently。　　She　had　taken　a　fancy　to　him；　and　he　admitted　that　he
had　availed　himself　of　this　fact　to　increase　his　intimacy　with　her；
and；　as　he　hoped　ultimately；　his　power　over　her。　　But　he　was　not
conscious　of　ever　having　varied　in　his　manner　towards　her　of
contemptuous　indifference。　　This　contradictory　behavior；his　being
constantly　near　her；　yet　always　beyond　her　reach；was　probably　the
very　thing　which　excited　her　fancy　into　passion；　the　one　strong
passion　of　the　poor　woman's　life。　　Then　came　his　deliberate　demand
that　she　should　by　her　own　act　unmask　herself　in　my　sight。　　The
unfortunate　woman　tried　to　bargain　for　some　proof　of　affection　in
return；　and　on　this　occasion　had　first　openly　declared　her　feelings
towards　him。　　He　did　not　believe　her；　he　refused　her　terms；　but
when　as　her　payment　she　asked　for　the　ring　which　was　so　especially
associated　with　himself；　he　agreed　to　give　it　to　her。　　Otherwise
hoping；　no　doubt　against　hope；　dreading　above　all　things　a　quarrel
and　final　separation；　she　submitted　unconditionally。　　And　from　the
time　of　that　evening；　when　Legard　and　I　had　overheard　her　parting
words；　Jack　never　saw　her　again　until　the　last　and　final
catastrophe。

〃It　was　in　July。　　My　parents　had　returned　to　England；　but　had　come
straight　on　here。　　Jack　and　I　were　dining　together　with　Lady　Sylvia
at　her　father's　househer　brother；　young　Grey；　making　the　fourth
at　dinner。　　I　had　arranged　to　go　to　a　party　with　your　mother；　and　I
told　the　servants　that　a　lady　would　call　for　me　early　in　the
evening。　　The　house　stood　in　Park　Lane；　and　after　dinner　we　all
went　out　on　to　the　broad　balcony　which　opened　from　the　drawing…
room。　　There　was　a　strong　wind　blowing　that　night；　and　I　remember
well　the　vague；　disquieted　feeling　of　unreality　that　possessed　me；
sweeping　through　me；　as　it　were；　with　each　gust　of　wind。　　Then；
suddenly；　a　servant　stood　behind　me；　saying　that　th