the notch on the ax and on being found out-第74节

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！


touched　him　too。　　Haggard　and　sad　he　still　looked；　it　is　true；　but
his　features　were　composed；　and　the　expression　of　actual　pain　had
left　his　eyes。

Silent　as　we　had　come　we　started　homeward　through　the　waning
moonlight；　but　this　silence　was　of　a　very　different　nature　to　the
other；　and　after　a　minute　or　two　I　did　not　hesitate　to　break　it。

〃It　was　a　good　sermon？〃　I　observed；　interrogatively。

〃Yes；〃　he　assented；　〃I　suppose　you　would　call　it　so；　but　I　confess
that　I　should　have　found　the　text　more　impressive　without　its
exposition。〃

〃Poor　man！〃

〃But　don't　you　often　find　it　so？〃　he　asked。　　〃Do　you　not　often
wish；　to　take　this　evening's　instance；　that　clergymen　would　infuse
themselves　with　something　of　St。　Paul's　own　spirit？　　Then　perhaps
they　would　not　water　all　the　strength　out　of　his　words　in　their
efforts　to　explain　them。〃

〃That　is　rather　a　large　demand　to　make　upon　them；　is　it　not？〃

〃Is　it？〃　he　questioned。　　〃I　don't　ask　them　to　be　inspired　saints。
I　don't　expect　St。　Paul's　breadth　and　depth　of　thought。　　But　could
they　not　have　something　of　his　vigorous　completeness；　something　of
the　intensity　of　his　feeling　and　belief？　　Look　at　the　text　of　to…
night。　　Did　not　the　preacher's　examples　and　applications　take
something　from　its　awful　unqualified　strength？〃

〃Awful！〃　I　exclaimed；　in　surprise；　〃that　is　hardly　the　expression　I
should　have　used　in　connection　with　those　words。〃

〃Why　not？〃

〃Oh；　I　don't　know。　　The　text　is　very　beautiful；　of　course；　and　at
times；　when　people　are　tiresome　and　one　ought　to　be　nice　to　them；
it　is　very　difficult　to　act　up　to。　　But〃

〃But　you　think　that　'awful'　is　rather　a　big　adjective　to　use　for　so
small　a　duty；〃　interposed　Alan；　and　the　moonlight　showed　the
flicker　of　a　smile　upon　his　face。　　Then　he　continued；　gravely；　〃I
doubt　whether　you　yourself　realize　the　full　import　of　the　words。
The　precept　of　charity　is　not　merely　a　code　of　rules　by　which　to
order　our　conduct　to　our　neighbors；　it　is　the　picture　of　a
spiritual　condition；　and　such；　where　it　exists　in　us；　must　by　its
very　nature　be　roused　into　activity　by　anything　that　affects　us。
So　with　this　particular　injunction；　every　circumstance　in　our　lives
is　a　challenge　to　it；　and　in　presence　of　all　alike　it　admits　of　one
attitude　only：　'Beareth　all　things；　endureth　all　things。'　　I　hope
it　will　be　long　before　that　'all'　sticks　in　your　gizzard；　Evie；
before　you　come　face　to　face　with　things　which　nature　cannot　bear；
and　yet　which　must　be　borne。〃

He　stopped；　his　voice　quivering；　and　then　after　a　pause　went　on
again　more　calmly；　〃And　throughout　it　is　the　same。　　Moral　precepts
everywhere；　which　will　admit　of　no　compromise；　no　limitation；　and
yet　which　are　at　war　with　our　strongest　passions。　　If　one　could
only　interpose　some　'unless；'　some　'except；'　even　an　'until；'　which
should　be　short　of　the　grave。　　But　we　cannot。　　The　law　is　infinite；
universal；　eternal；　there　is　no　escape；　no　repose。　　Resist；　strive；
endure；　that　is　the　recurring　cry；　that　is　existence。〃

〃And　peace；〃　I　exclaimed；　appealingly。　　〃Where　is　there　room　for
peace；　if　that　be　true？〃

He　sighed　for　answer；　and　then　in　a　changed　and　lower　tone　added；
〃However　thickly　the　clouds　mass；　however　vainly　we　search　for　a
coming　glimmer　in　their　midst；　we　never　doubt　that　the　sky　IS　still
beyondbeyond　and　around　us；　infinite　and　infinitely　restful。〃

He　raised　his　eyes　as　he　spoke；　and　mine　followed　his。　　We　had
entered　the　wooded　glen。　　Through　the　scanty　autumn　foliage　we
could　see　the　stars　shining　faintly　in　the　dim　moonlight；　and
beyond　them　the　deep　illimitable　blue。　　A　dark　world　it　looked；
distant　and　mysterious；　and　my　young　spirit　rebelled　at　the
consolation　offered　me。

〃Peace　seems　a　long　way　off；〃　I　whispered。

〃It　is　for　me；〃　he　answered；　gently；　〃not　necessarily　for　you。〃

〃Oh；　but　I　am　worse　and　weaker　than　you　are。　　If　life　is　to　be　all
warfare；　I　must　be　beaten。　　I　cannot　always　be　fighting。〃

〃Cannot　you？　　Evie；　what　I　have　been　saying　is　true　of　every　moral
law　worth　having；　of　every　ideal　of　life　worth　striving　after；　that
men　have　yet　conceived。　　But　it　is　only　half　the　truth　of
Christianity。　　You　know　that。　　We　must　strive；　for　the　promise　is
to　him　that　overcometh；　but　though　our　aim　be　even　higher　than　is
that　of　others；　we　cannot　in　the　end　fail　to　reach　it。　　The　victory
of　the　Cross　is　ours。　　You　know　that？　　You　believe　that？〃

〃Yes〃　I　answered；　softly；　too　surprised　to　say　more。　　In　speaking
of　religion　he；　as　a　rule；　showed　to　the　full　the　reserve　which　is
characteristic　of　his　class　and　country；　and　this　sudden　outburst
was　in　itself　astonishing；　but　the　eager　anxiety　with　which　he
emphasized　the　last　words　of　appeal　impressed　and　bewildered　me
still　further。　　We　walked　on　for　some　minutes　in　silence。　　Then
suddenly　Alan　stopped；　and　turning；　took　my　hand　in　his。　　In　what
direction　his　mind　had　been　working　in　the　interval　I　could　not
divine；　but　the　moment　he　began　to　speak　I　felt　that　he　was　now　for
the　first　time　giving　utterance　to　what　had　been　really　at　the
bottom　of　his　thoughts　the　whole　evening。　　Even　in　that　dim　light　I
could　see　the　anxious　look　upon　his　face；　and　his　voice　shook　with
restrained　emotion。

〃Evie；〃　he　said；　〃have　you　ever　thought　of　the　world　in　which　our
spirits　dwell；　as　our　bodies　do　in　this　one　of　matter　and　sense；
and　of　how　it　may　be　peopled？　　I　know；〃　he　went　on　hurriedly；　〃that
it　is　the　fashion　nowadays　to　laugh　at　such　ideas。　　I　envy　those
who　have　never　had　cause　to　be　convinced　of　their　reality；　and　I
hope　that　you　may　long　remain　among　the　number。　　But　should　that
not　be　so；　should　those　unseen　influences　ever　touch　your　life；　I
want　you　to　remember　then；　that；　as　one　of　the　race　for　whom　Christ
died；　you　have　as　high　a　citizenship　in　that　spirit　land　as　any
creature　there：　that　you　are　your　own　soul's　warden；　and　that
neither　principalities　nor　powers　can　rob　you　of　that　your
birthright。〃

I　think　my　face　must　have　shown　my　bewilderment；　for　he　dropped　my
hand；　and　walked　on　with　an　impatient　sigh。

〃You　don't　understand　me。　　Why　should　you？　　I　dare…say　that　I　am
talking　nonsenseonlyonly〃

His　voice　expressed　such　an　agony　of　doubt　and　hesitation　that　I
burst　out

〃I　think　that　I　do　understand　you　a　little；　Alan。　　You　mean　that
even　from　unearthly　enemies　there　is　nothing　that　we　need　really
fearat　least；　that　is；　I　suppose；　nothing　worse　than　death。　　But
that　is　surely　enough！〃

〃Why　should　you　fear　death？〃　he　said；　abruptly；　〃your　soul　will
live。〃

〃Yes；　I　know　that；　but　still〃　　I　stopped　with　a　shudder。

〃What　is　life　after　all　but　one　long　death？〃　he　went　on；　with
sudden　violence。　　〃Our　pleasures；　our　hopes；　our　youth　are　all
dying；　ambition　dies；　and　even　desire　at　last；　our　passions　and
tastes　will　die；　or　will　live　only　to　mourn　their　dead　opportunity。
The　happiness　of　love　dies　with　the　loss　of　the　loved；　and；　worst
of　all；　love　itself　grows　old　in　our　hearts　and　dies。　　Why　should
we　shrink　only　from　the　one　death　which　can　free　us　from　all　the
others？〃

〃It　is　not　true；　Alan！〃　I　cried；　hotly。　　〃What　you　say　is　not　true。
There　are　many　things　even　here　which　are　living　and　shall　live；
and　if　it　were　otherwise；　in　everything；　life　that　ends　in　death　is
better　than　no　life　at　all。〃

〃You　say　that；〃　he　answered；　〃because　for　you　these　things　are　yet
living。　　To　leave　life　now；　therefore；　while　it　is　full　and　sweet；
untainted　by　death；　surely　that　is　not　a　fate　to　fear。　　Better；　a
thousand　times　better；　to　see　the　cord　cut　with　one　blow　while　it
is　still　whole　and　strong；　and　to　launch　out　straight　into　the
great　ocean；　than　to　sit　watching　through　the　slow　years；　while
strand　after　strand；　thread　by　thread；　loosens　and　unwinds　itself；
each　with　its　own　separate　pang　breaking；　bringing　the　bitterness
of　death　without　its　release。

His　manner；　the　despairing　ring　in　his　voice；　alarmed　me　even　more
than　his　words。　　Clinging　to　his　arm　with　both　hands；　while　the
tears　sprang　to　my　eyes

〃Alan；〃　I　cried；　〃don't　say　such　things；don't　talk　like　that。
You　are　making　me　miserable。〃

He　stopped　short　at　my　words；　with　bent　head；　his　features　hidden
in　the　shadow　thus　cast　upon　them；nothing　in　his　motionless　form
to　show　what　was　passing　within　him。　　Then　he　looked　up；　and　turned
his　face　to　the　moonlight　and　to　me；　laying　his　hand　on　one　of
mine。

〃Don't　be　afraid；〃　he　said；　〃it　is　all　right；　my　little　David。　　You
have　driven　the　evil　spirit　away。〃　　And　lifting　my　hand；　he　pressed
it　gently　to　his　lips。　　Then　drawing　it　within　his　arm；　he　went　on；
as　he　walked　forward；　〃And　even　when　it　was　on　me　at　its　worst；　I
was　not　meditating　suicide；　as　I　think　you　imagine。　　I　am　a　very
average　specimen　of　humanity；neither　brave　enough　to　defy　the
possibilities　of　eternity　nor　cowardly　enough　to　shirk　those　of
time。　　No；　I　was　only　trying　idiotically　to　persuade　a　girl　of
eighteen　that　life　was　not　worth　living；　and　more　futilely　still；
myself；　that　I　did　not　wish　her　to　live。　　I　am　afraid；　that　in　my
mind　philosophy　and　fact　have　but　small　connection　with　each　other；
and　though　my　theorizing　for　your　welfare　may　be　true　enough；　yet；
I　cannot　help　it；　Evie；it　would　go　terrib