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hand；　bold　in　character；　and　with　a　certain　sweep　which　might　have
come　from　a　painter。　　The　thrill　which　this　vision　gave　will　be
intelligible　when　you　remember　that　Bourgonef　had　lost　or　pretended
to　have　lost　his　right　arm；　and　was；　as　I　before　intimated；　far
from　dexterous　with　his　left。　　That　no　man　recently　thrown　upon　the
use　of　a　left　hand　could　have　written　those　addresses　was　too
evident。　　What；　then；　was　the　alternative？　　The　empty　sleeve　was　an
imposture！　　At　once　the　old　horrible　suspicion　returned；　and　this
time　with　tenfold　violence；　and　with　damnatory　confirmation。

Pressing　my　temples　between　my　hands；　I　tried　to　be　calm　and　to
survey　the　evidence　without　precipitation；　but　for　some　time　the
conflict　of　thoughts　was　too　violent。　　Whatever　might　be　the
explanation；　clear　it　was　that　Bourgonef；　for　some　purposes；　was
practising　a　deception；　and　had；　as　I　knew；　other　means　of
disguising　his　appearance。　　This；　on　the　most　favorable
interpretation；　branded　him　with　suspicion。　　This　excluded　him　from
the　circle　of　honest　men。

But　did　it　connect　him　with　the　murder　of　Lieschen　Lehfeldt？　　In　my
thought　it　did　so　indubitably；　but　I　was　aware　of　the　difficulty　of
making　this　clear　to　anyone　else。


VI

FIRST　LOVE


If　the　reader　feels　that　my　suspicions　were　not　wholly　unwarranted；
were　indeed　inevitable；　he　will　not　laugh　at　me　on　learning　that
once　more　these　suspicions　were　set　aside；　and　the　factthe
damnatory　fact；　as　I　regarded　itdiscovered　by　me　so　accidentally；
and；　I　thought；　providentially；　was　robbed　of　all　its　significance
by　Bourgonef　himself　casually　and　carelessly　avowing　it　in
conversation；　just　as　one　may　avow　a　secret　infirmity；　with　some
bitterness；　but　without　any　implication　of　deceit　in　its
concealment。

I　was　the　more　prepared　for　this　revulsion　of　feeling；　by　the
difficulty　I　felt　in　maintaining　my　suspicions　in　the　presence　of
one　so　gentle　and　so　refined。　　He　had　come　into　my　room　that
evening　to　tell　me　of　his　visit　to　Schwanthaler；　and　of　the
sculptor's　flattering　desire　to　make　my　personal　acquaintance。　　He
spoke　of　Schwanthaler；　and　his　earnest　efforts　in　art；　with　so　much
enthusiasm；　and　was　altogether　so　charming；　that　I　felt　abashed
before　him；　incapable　of　ridding　myself　of　the　dreadful　suspicions；
yet　incapable　of　firmly　believing　him　to　be　what　I　thought。　　But
more　than　this；　there　came　the　new　interest　awakened　in　me　by　his
story；　and　when；　in　the　course　of　his　story；　he　accidentally
disclosed　the　fact　that　he　had　not　lost　his　arm；　all　my　suspicions
vanished　at　once。

We　had　got；　as　usual；　upon　politics；　and　were　differing　more　than
usual；　because　he　gave　greater　prominence　to　his　sympathy　with　the
Red　Republicans。　　He　accused　me　of　not　being　〃thorough…going；〃
which　I　admitted。　　This　he　attributed　to　the　fact　of　my　giving　a
divided　heart　to　politicsa　condition　natural　enough　at　my　age；
and　with　my　hopes。　　〃Well；〃　said　I；　laughing；　〃you　don't　mean　to
take　a　lofty　stand　upon　your　few　years'　seniority。　　If　my　age
renders　it　natural；　does　yours　profoundly　alter　such　a　conviction？〃

〃My　age；　no。　　But　you　have　the　hopes　of　youth。　　I　have　none。　　I　am
banished　for　ever　from　the　joys　and　sorrows　of　domestic　life；　and
therefore；　to　live　at　all；　must　consecrate　my　soul　to　great
abstractions　and　public　affairs。〃

〃But　why　banished；　unless　self…banished？〃

〃Woman's　love　is　impossible。　　You　look　incredulous。　　I　do　not
allude　to　this；〃　he　said；　taking　up　the　empty　sleeve；　and　by　so
doing　sending　a　shiver　through　me。

〃The　loss　of　your　arm；〃　I　saidand　my　voice　trembled　slightly；　for
I　felt　that　a　crisis　was　at　hand〃although　a　misfortune　to　you；
would　really　be　an　advantage　in　gaining　a　woman's　affections。
Women　are　so　romantic；　and　their　imaginations　are　so　easily
touched！〃

〃Yes；〃　he　replied　bitterly；　〃but　the　trouble　is　that　I　have　not
lost　my　arm。〃

I　started。　　He　spoke　bitterly；　yet　calmly。　　I　awaited　his
explanation　in　great　suspense。

〃To　have　lost　my　arm　in　battle；　or　even　by　an　accident；　would
perhaps　have　lent　me　a　charm　in　woman's　eyes。　　But；　as　I　said；　my
arm　hangs　by　my　sidewithered；　unpresentable。〃

I　breathed　again。　　He　continued　in　the　same　tone；　and　without
noticing　my　looks。

〃But　it　is　not　this　which　banishes　me。　　Woman's　love　might　be　hoped
for；　had　I　far　worse　infirmities。　　The　cause　lies　deeper。　　It　lies
in　my　history。　　A　wall　of　granite　has　grown　up　between　me　and　the
sex。〃

〃But；　my　dear　fellow；　do　youwounded；　as　I　presume　to　guess；　by
some　unworthy　womanextend　the　fault　of　one　to　the　whole　sex？　　Do
you　despair　of　finding　another　true；　because　a　first　was　false？〃

〃They　are　all　false；〃　he　exclaimed　with　energy。　　〃Not；　perhaps；　all
false　from　inherent　viciousness；　though　many　are　that；　but　false
because　their　inherent　weakness　renders　them　incapable　of　truth。
Oh！　I　know　the　catalogue　of　their　good　qualities。　　They　are　often
pitiful；　self…devoting；　generous；　but　they　are　so　by　fits　and
starts；　just　as　they　are　cruel；　remorseless；　exacting；　by　fits　and
starts。　　They　have　no　constancythey　are　too　weak　to　be　constant
even　in　evil；　their　minds　are　all　impressions；　their　actions　are
all　the　issue　of　immediate　promptings。　　Swayed　by　the　fleeting
impulses　of　the　hour；　they　have　only　one　persistent；　calculable
motive　on　which　reliance　can　always　be　placedthat　motive　is
vanity；　you　are　always　sure　of　them　there。　　It　is　from　vanity　they
are　goodfrom　vanity　they　are　evil；　their　devotion　and　their
desertion　equally　vanity。　　I　know　them。　　To　me　they　have　disclosed
the　shallows　of　their　natures。　　God！　how　I　have　suffered　from
them！〃

A　deep；　low　exclamation；　half　sob；　half　curse；　closed　his　tirade。
He　remained　silent　for　a　few　minutes；　looking　on　the　floor；　then；
suddenly　turning　his　eyes　upon　me；　said：

〃Were　you　ever　in　Heidelberg？〃

〃Never。〃

〃I　thought　all　your　countrymen　went　there？　　Then　you　will　never
have　heard　anything　of　my　story。　　Shall　I　tell　you　how　my　youth　was
blighted？　　Will　you　care　to　listen？〃

〃It　would　interest　me　much。〃

〃I　had　reached　the　age　of　seven…and…twenty；〃　he　began；　〃without
having　once　known　even　the　vague　stirrings　of　the　passion　of　love。
I　admired　many　women；　and　courted　the　admiration　of　them　all；　but　I
was　as　yet　not　only　heart…whole；　but；　to　use　your　Shakespeare's
phrase；　Cupid　had　not　tapped　me　on　the　shoulder。

〃This　detail　is　not　unimportant　in　my　story。　　You　may　possibly　have
observed　that　in　those　passionate　natures　which　reserve　their
force；　and　do　not　fritter　away　their　feelings　in　scattered
flirtations　or　trivial　love…affairs；　there　is　a　velocity　and
momentum；　when　the　movement　of　passion　is　once　excited；　greatly
transcending　all　that　is　ever　felt　by　expansive　and　expressive
natures。　　Slow　to　be　moved；　when　they　do　move　it　is　with　the　whole
mass　of　the　heart。　　So　it　was　with　me。　　I　purchased　my　immunity
from　earlier　entanglements　by　the　price　of　my　whole　life。　　I　am　not
what　I　was。　　Between　my　past　and　present　self　there　is　a　gulf；　that
gulf　is　dark；　stormy；　and　profound。　　On　the　far　side　stands　a　youth
of　hope；　energy；　ambition；　and　unclouded　happiness；　with　great
capacities　for　loving；　on　this　side　a　blighted　manhood；　with　no
prospects　but　suffering　and　storm。〃

He　paused。　　With　an　effort　he　seemed　to　master　the　suggestions
which　crowded　upon　his　memory；　and　continued　his　narrative　in　an
equable　tone。

〃I　had　been　for　several　weeks　at　Heidelberg。　　One　of　my　intimate
companions　was　Kestner；　the　architect；　and　he　one　day　proposed　to
introduce　me　to　his　sister…in…law；　Ottilie；　of　whom　he　had
repeatedly　spoken　to　me　in　terms　of　great　affection　and　esteem。

〃We　went；　and　we　were　most　cordially　received。　　Ottilie　justified
Kestner's　praises。　　Pretty；　but　not　strikingly　soclever；　but　not
obtrusively　so；　her　soft　dark　eyes　were　frank　and　winning；　her
manner　was　gentle　and　retiring；　with　that　dash　of　sentimentalism
which　seems　native　to　all　German　girls；　but　without　any　of　the
ridiculous　extravagance　too　often　seen　in　them。　　I　liked　her　all
the　more　because　I　was　perfectly　at　my　ease　with　her；　and　this　was
rarely　the　case　in　my　relations　to　young　women。　　I　don't　enjoy
their　society。

〃You　leap　at　once　to　the　conclusion　that　we　fell　in　love。　　Your
conclusion　is　precipitate。　　Seeing　her　continually；　I　grew　to
admire　and　respect　her；　but　the　significant　smiles；　winks；　and
hints　of　friends；　pointing　unmistakably　at　a　supposed　understanding
existing　between　us；　only　made　me　more　seriously　examine　the　state
of　my　feelings；　and　assured　me　that　I　was　not　in　love。　　It　is　true
that　I　felt　a　serene　pleasure　in　her　society；　and　that　when　away
from　her　she　occupied　much　of　my　thoughts。　　It　is　true　that　I　often
thought　of　her　as　a　wife；　and　in　these　meditations　she　appeared　as
one　eminently　calculated　to　make　a　happy　home。　　But　it　is　no　less
true　that　during　a　temporary　absence　of　hers　of　a　few　weeks　I　felt
no　sort　of　uneasiness；　no　yearning　for　her　presence；　no　vacancy　in
my　life。　　I　knew；　therefore；　that　it　was　not　love　which　I　felt。

〃So　much　for　my　feelings。　　What　of　hers？　　They　seemed　very　like　my
own。　　That　she　admired　me；　and　was　pleased　to　be　with　me；　was
certain。　　That　she　had　a　particle