the law and the lady-第65节

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methe　strange　medley　of　joy　and　fear；　and　wonder　and　relief；
and　pride　and　humility；　which　filled　my　whole　being；　and　made　a
new　woman　of　me　from　that　moment？　Now；　for　the　first　time；　I　knew
it！　If　God　spared　me　for　a　few　months　more；　the　most　enduring　and
the　most　sacred　of　all　human　joys　might　be　minethe　joy　of　being
a　mother。

I　don't　know　how　the　rest　of　the　night　passed。　I　only　find　my
memory　again　when　the　morning　came；　and　when　I　went　out　by　myself
to　breathe　the　crisp　wintry　air　on　the　open　moor　behind　the　inn。

I　have　said　that　I　felt　like　a　new　woman。　The　morning　found　me
with　a　new　resolution　and　a　new　courage。　When　I　thought　of　the
future；　I　had　not　only　my　husband　to　consider　now。　His　good　name
was　no　longer　his　own　and　mineit　might　soon　become　the　most
precious　inheritance　that　he　could　leave　to　his　child。　What　had　I
done　while　I　was　in　ignorance　of　this？　I　had　resigned　the　hope　of
cleansing　his　name　from　the　stain　that　rested　on　ita　stain
still；　no　matter　how　little　it　might　look　in　the　eye　of　the　Law。
Our　child　might　live　to　hear　malicious　tongues　say；　〃Your　father
was　tried　for　the　vilest　of　all　murders；　and　was　never　absolutely
acquitted　of　the　charge。〃　Could　I　face　the　glorious　perils　of
childbirth　with　that　possibility　present　to　my　mind？　No！　not
until　I　had　made　one　more　effort　to　lay　the　conscience　of
Miserrimus　Dexter　bare　to　my　view！　not　until　I　had　once　again
renewed　the　struggle；　and　brought　the　truth　that　vindicated　the
husband　and　the　father　to　the　light　of　day！

I　went　back　to　the　house；　with　my　new　courage　to　sustain　me。　I
opened　my　heart　to　my　friend　and　mother；　and　told　her　frankly　of
the　change　that　had　come　over　me　since　we　had　last　spoken　of
Eustace。

She　was　more　than　disappointedshe　was　almost　offended　with　me。
The　one　thing　needful　had　happened；　she　said。　The　happiness　that
might　soon　come　to　us　would　form　a　new　tie　between　my　husband　and
me。　Every　other　consideration　but　this　she　treated　as　purely
fanciful。　If　I　left　Eustace　now；　I　did　a　heartless　thing　and　a
foolish　thing。　I　should　regret；　to　the　end　of　my　days；　having
thrown　away　the　one　golden　opportunity　of　my　married　life。

It　cost　me　a　hard　struggle；　it　oppressed　me　with　many　a　painful
doubt；　but　I　held　firm　this　time。　The　honor　of　the　father；　the
inheritance　of　the　childI　kept　these　thoughts　as　constant　ly　as
possible　before　my　mind。　Sometimes　they　failed　me；　and　left　me
nothing　better　than　a　poor　fool　who　had　some　fitful　bursts　of
crying；　and　was　always　ashamed　of　herself　afterward。　But　my
native　obstinacy　（as　Mrs。　Macallan　said）　carried　me　through。　Now
and　then　I　had　a　peep　at　Eustace；　while　he　was　asleep；　and　that
helped　me　too。　Though　they　made　my　heart　ache　and　shook　me　sadly
at　the　times　those　furtive　visits　to　my　husband　fortified　me
afterward。　I　cannot　explain　how　this　happened　（it　seems　so
contradictory）；　I　can　only　repeat　it　as　one　of　my　experiences　at
that　troubled　time。

I　made　one　concession　to　Mrs。　MacallanI　consented　to　wait　for
two　days　before　I　took　any　steps　for　returning　to　England；　on　the
chance　that　my　mind　might　change　in　the　interval。

It　was　well　for　me　that　I　yielded　so　far。　On　the　second　day　the
director　of　the　field…hospital　sent　to　the　post…office　at　our
nearest　town　for　letters　addressed　to　him　or　to　his　care。　The
messenger　brought　back　a　letter　for　me。　I　thought　I　recognized
the　handwriting；　and　I　was　right。　Mr。　Playmore's　answer　had
reached　me　at　last！

If　I　had　been　in　any　danger　of　changing　my　mind；　the　good　lawyer
would　have　saved　me　in　the　nick　of　time。　The　extract　that　follows
contains　the　pith　of　his　letter；　and　shows　how　he　encouraged　me
when　I　stood　in　sore　need　of　a　few　cheering　and　friendly　words。

〃Let　me　now　tell　you；〃　he　wrote；　〃what　I　have　done　toward
verifying　the　conclusion　to　which　your　letter　points。

〃I　have　traced　one　of　the　servants　who　was　appointed　to　keep
watch　in　the　corridor　on　the　night　when　the　first　Mrs。　Eustace
died　at　Gleninch。　The　man　perfectly　remembers　that　Miserrimus
Dexter　suddenly　appeared　before　him　and　his　fellow…servant　long
after　the　house　was　quiet　for　the　night。　Dexter　said　to　them；　'I
suppose　there　is　no　harm　in　my　going　into　the　study　to　read？　I
can't　sleep　after　what　has　happened；　I　must　relieve　my　mind
somehow。'　The　men　had　no　orders　to　keep　any　one　out　of　the　study。
They　knew　that　the　door　of　communication　with　the　bedchamber　was
locked；　and　that　the　keys　of　the　two　other　doors　of　communication
were　in　the　possession　of　Mr。　Gale。　They　accordingly　permitted
Dexter　to　go　into　the　study。　He　closed　the　door　（the　door　that
opened　on　the　corridor）；　and　remained　absent　for　some　timein
the　study　as　the　men　supposed；　in　the　bedchamber　as　we　know　from
what　he　let　out　at　his　interview　with　you。　Now　he　could　enter
that　room；　as　you　rightly　imagine；　in　but　one　wayby　being　in
possession　of　the　missing　key。　How　long　he　remained　there　I
cannot　discover。　The　point　is　of　little　consequence。　The　servant
remembers　that　he　came　out　of　the　study　again　'as　pale　as　death；'
and　that　he　passed　on　without　a　word　on　his　way　back　to　his　own
room。

〃These　are　facts。　The　conclusion　to　which　they　lead　is　serious　in
the　last　degree。　It　justifies　everything　that　I　confided　to　you
in　my　office　at　Edinburgh。　You　remember　what　passed　between　us。　I
say　no　more。

〃As　to　yourself　next。　You　have　innocently　aroused　in　Miserrimus
Dexter　a　feeling　toward　you　which　I　need　not　attempt　to
characterize。　There　is　a　certain　somethingI　saw　it　myselfin
your　figure；　and　in　some　of　your　movements；　which　does　recall　the
late　Mrs。　Eustace　to　those　who　knew　her　well；　and　which　has
evidently　had　its　effect　on　Dexter's　morbid　mind。　Without
dwelling　further　on　this　subject；　let　me　only　remind　you　that　he
has　shown　himself　（as　a　consequence　of　your　influence　over　him）
to　be　incapable；　in　his　moments　of　agitation；　of　thinking　before
he　speaks　while　he　is　in　your　presence。　It　is　not　merely
possible；　it　is　highly　probable；　that　he　may　betray　himself　far
more　seriously　than　he　has　betrayed　himself　yet　if　you　give　him
the　opportunity。　I　owe　it　to　you　（knowing　what　your　interests
are）　to　express　myself　plainly　on　this　point。　I　have　no　sort　of
doubt　that　you　have　advanced　one　step　nearer　to　the　end　which　you
have　in　view　in　the　brief　interval　since　you　left　Edinburgh。　I
see　in　your　letter　（and　in　my　discoveries）　irresistible　evidence
that　Dexter　must　have　been　in　secret　communication　with　the
deceased　lady　（innocent　communication；　I　am　certain；　so　far　as
_she_　was　concerned）；　not　only　at　the　time　of　her　death；　but
perhaps　for　weeks　before　it。　I　cannot　disguise　from　myself　or
from　you；　my　own　strong　persuasion　that　if　you　succeed　in
discovering　the　nature　of　this　communication；　in　all　human
likelihood　you　prove　your　husband's　innocence　by　the　discovery　of
the　truth。　As　an　honest　man；　I　am　bound　not　to　conceal　this。　And；
as　an　honest　man　also；　I　am　equally　bound　to　add　that；　not　even
with　your　reward　in　view；　can　I　find　it　in　my　conscience　to
advise　you　to　risk　what　you　must　risk　if　you　see　Miserrimus
Dexter　again。　In　this　difficult　and　delicate　matter　I　cannot　and
will　not　take　the　responsibility：　the　final　decision　must　rest
with　yourself。　One　favor　only　I　entreat　you　to　grantlet　me　hear
what　you　resolve　to　do　as　soon　as　you　know　it　yourself。〃

The　difficulties　which　my　worthy　correspondent　felt　were　no
difficulties　to　me。　I　did　not　possess　Mr。　Playmore's　judicial
mind。　My　resolution　was　settled　before　I　had　read　his　letter
through。

The　mail　to　France　crossed　the　frontier　the　next　day。　There　was　a
place　for　me；　under　the　protection　of　the　conductor；　if　I　chose
to　take　it。　Without　consulting　a　living　creaturerash　as　usual；
headlong　as　usualI　took　it。



CHAPTER　XXXVIII。

ON　THE　JOURNEY　BACK。

　IF　I　had　been　traveling　homeward　in　my　own　carriage；　the
remaining　chapters　of　this　narrative　would　never　have　been
written。　Before　we　had　been　an　hour　on　the　road　I　should　have
called　to　the　driver；　and　should　have　told　him　to　turn　back。

Who　can　be　always　resolute？

In　asking　that　question；　I　speak　of　the　women；　not　of　the　men。　I
had　been　resolute　in　turning　a　deaf　ear　to　Mr。　Playmore's　doubts
and　cautions；　resolute　in　holding　out　against　my　mother…in…law；
resolute　in　taking　my　place　by　the　French　mail。　Until　ten　minutes
after　we　had　driven　away　from　the　inn　my　courage　held　outand
then　it　failed　me；　then　I　said　to　myself；　〃You　wretch；　you　have
deserted　your　husband！〃　For　hours　afterward；　if　I　could　have
stopped　the　mail；　I　would　have　done　it。　I　hated　the　conductor；
the　kindest　of　men。　I　hated　the　Spanish　ponies　that　drew　us；　the
cheeriest　animals　that　ever　jingled　a　string　of　bells。　I　hated
the　bright　day　that　_would_　make　things　pleasant；　and　the　bracing
air　that　forced　me　to　feel　the　luxury　of　breathing　whether　I
liked　it　or　not。　Never　was　a　journey　more　miserable　than　my　safe
and　easy　journey　to　the　frontier。　But　one　little　comfort　helped
me　to　bear　my　heart…ache　resignedlya　stolen　morsel　of　Eustace's
hair。　We　had　started　at　an　hour　of　the　morning　when　he　was　still
sound　asleep。　I　could　creep　into　his　room；　and　kiss　him；　and　cry
over　him　softly；　and　cut　off　a　stray　lo