the law and the lady-第33节

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it　had　been　_my_　unutterable　happiness　to　love　and　cherish　the
best；　the　dearest　of　menwhat　a　paradise　of　our　own　we　might
have　lived　in！　what　delicious　hours　we　might　have　known！　But
regret　is　vain；　we　are　separated　in　this　lifeseparated　by　ties
which　we　both　mourn；　and　yet　which　we　must　both　respect。　My
Eustace；　there　is　a　world　beyond　this。　There　our　souls　will　fly
to　meet　each　other；　and　mingle　in　one　long　heavenly　embracein　a
rapture　forbidden　to　us　on　earth。　The　misery　described　in　your
letteroh；　why；　why　did　you　marry　her？has　wrung　this
confession　of　feeling　from　me。　Let　it　comfort　you；　but　let　no
other　eyes　see　it。　Burn　my　rashly　written　lines；　and　look　（as　I
look）　to　the　better　life　which　you　may　yet　share　with　your　own

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　HELENA。〃

　The　reading　of　this　outrageous　letter　provoked　a　question　from
the　Bench。　One　of　the　Judges　asked　if　the　writer　had　attached　any
date　or　address　to　her　letter。

In　answer　to　this　the　Lord　Advocate　stated　that　neither　the　one
nor　the　other　appeared。　The　envelope　showed　that　the　letter　had
been　posted　in　London。　〃We　propose；〃　the　learned　counsel
continued；　〃to　read　certain　passages　from　the　prisoner's　Diary；
in　which　the　name　signed　at　the　end　of　the　letter　occurs　more
than　once；　and　we　may　possibly　find　other　means　of　identifying
the　writer；　to　the　satisfaction　of　your　lordships；　before　the
Trial　is　over。〃

The　promised　passages　from　my　husband's　private　Diary　were　now
read。　The　first　extract　related　to　a　period　of　nearly　a　year
before　the　date　of　Mrs。　Eustace　Macallan's　death。　It　was
expressed　in　these　terms：

〃News；　by　this　morning's　post；　which　has　quite　overwhelmed　me。
Helena's　husband　died　suddenly　two　days　since　of　heart…disease。
She　is　freemy　beloved　Helena　is　free！　And　I？

〃I　am　fettered　to　a　woman　with　whom　I　have　not　a　single　feeling
in　common。　Helena　is　lost　to　me；　by　my　own　act。　Ah！　I　can
understand　now；　as　I　never　understood　before；　how　irresistible
temptation　can　be；　and　how　easily　sometimes　crime　may　follow　it。
I　had　better　shut　up　these　leaves　for　the　night。　It　maddens　me　to
no　purpose　to　think　of　my　position　or　to　write　of　it。〃

The　next　passage；　dated　a　few　days　later；　dwelt　on　the　same
subject。

〃Of　all　the　follies　that　a　man　can　commit；　the　greatest　is　acting
on　impulse。　I　acted　on　impulse　when　I　married　the　unfortunate
creature　who　is　now　my　wife。

〃Helena　was　then　lost　to　me；　as　I　too　hastily　supposed。　She　had
married　the　man　to　whom　she　rashly　engaged　herself　before　she　met
with　me。　He　was　younger　than　I；　and；　to　all　appearance；　heartier
and　stronger　than　I。　So　far　as　I　could　see；　my　fate　was　sealed
for　life。　Helena　had　written　her　farewell　letter；　taking　leave　of
me　in　this　world　for　good。　My　prospects　were　closed；　my　hopes　had
ended。　I　had　not　an　aspiration　left；　I　had　no　necessity　to
stimulate　me　to　take　refuge　in　work。　A　chivalrous　action；　an
exertion　of　noble　self…denial；　seemed　to　be　all　that　was　left　to
me；　all　that　I　was　fit　for。

〃The　circumstances　of　the　moment　adapted　themselves；　with　a　fatal
facility；　to　this　idea。　The　ill…fated　woman　who　had　become
attached　to　me　（Heaven　knowswithout　so　much　as　the　shadow　of
encouragement　on　my　part！）　had；　just　at　that　time；　rashly　placed
her　reputation　at　the　mercy　of　the　world。　It　rested　with　me　to
silence　the　scandalous　tongues　that　reviled　her。　With　Helena　lost
to　me；　happiness　was　not　to　be　expected。　All　women　were　equally
indifferent　to　me。　A　generous　action　would　be　the　salvation　of
this　woman。　Why　not　perform　it？　I　married　her　on　that
impulsemarried　her　just　as　I　might　have　jumped　into　the　water
and　saved　her　if　she　had　been　drowning；　just　as　I　might　have
knocked　a　man　down　if　I　had　seen　him　ill…treating　her　in　the
street！

〃And　now　the　woman　for　whom　I　have　made　this　sacrifice　stands
between　me　and　my　Helenamy　Helena；　free　to　pour　out　all　the
treasures　of　her　love　on　the　man　who　adores　the　earth　that　she
touches　with　her　foot！

〃Fool！　madman！　Why　don't　I　dash　out　my　brains　against　the　wall
that　I　see　opposite　to　me　while　I　write　these　lines？

〃My　gun　is　there　in　the　corner。　I　have　only　to　tie　a　string　to
the　trigger　and　to　put　the　muzzle　to　my　mouthNo！　My　mother　is
alive；　my　mother's　love　is　sacred。　I　have　no　right　to　take　the
life　which　she　gave　me。　I　must　suffer　and　submit。　Oh；　Helena！
Helena！〃

The　third　extractone　among　many　similar　passageshad　been
written　about　two　months　before　the　death　of　the　prisoner's　wife。

〃More　reproaches　addressed　to　me！　There　never　was　such　a　woman
for　complaining；　she　lives　in　a　perfect　atmosphere　of　ill…temper
and　discontent。

〃My　new　offenses　are　two　in　number：　I　never　ask　her　to　play　to　me
now；　and　when　she　puts　on　a　new　dress　expressly　to　please　me；　I
never　notice　it。　Notice　it！　Good　Heavens！　The　effort　of　my　life
is　_not_　to　notice　her　in　anything　she　does　or　says。　How　could　I
keep　my　temper；　unless　I　kept　as　much　as　possible　out　of　the　way
of　private　interviews　with　her？　And　I　do　keep　my　temper。　I　am
never　hard　on　her；　I　never　use　harsh　language　to　her。　She　has　a
double　claim　on　my　forbearance…she　is　a　woman；　and　the　law　has
made　her　my　wife。　I　remember　this；　but　I　am　human。　The　less　I　see
of　herexc　ept　when　visitors　are　presentthe　more　certain　I　can
feel　of　preserving　my　self…control。

〃I　wonder　what　it　is　that　makes　her　so　utterly　distasteful　to　me？
She　is　a　plain　woman；　but　I　have　seen　uglier　women　than　she　whose
caresses　I　could　have　endured　without　the　sense　of　shrinking　that
comes　over　me　when　I　am　obliged　to　submit　to　_her_　caresses。　I
keep　the　feeling　hidden　from　her。　She　loves　me；　poor　thingand　I
pity　her。　I　wish　I　could　do　more；　I　wish　I　could　return　in　the
smallest　degree　the　feeling　with　which　she　regards　me。　But　noI
can　only　pity　her。　If　she　would　be　content　to　live　on　friendly
terms　with　me；　and　never　to　exact　demonstrations　of　tenderness；
we　might　get　on　pretty　well。　But　she　wants　love。　Unfortunate
creature；　she　wants　love！

〃Oh；　my　Helena！　I　have　no　love　to　give　her。　My　heart　is　yours。

〃I　dreamed　last　night　that　this　unhappy　wife　of　mine　was　dead。
The　dream　was　so　vivid　that　I　actually　got　out　of　my　bed　and
opened　the　door　of　her　room　and　listened。

〃Her　calm；　regular　breathing　was　distinctly　audible　in　the
stillness　of　the　night。　She　was　in　a　deep　sleep：　I　closed　the
door　again　and　lighted　my　candle　and　read。　Helena　was　in　all　my
thoughts；　it　was　hard　work　to　fix　my　attention　on　the　book。　But
anything　was　better　than　going　to　bed　again；　and　dreaming　perhaps
for　the　second　time　that　I　too　was　free。

〃What　a　life　mine　is！　what　a　life　my　wife's　is！　If　the　house　were
to　take　fire；　I　wonder　whether　I　should　make　an　effort　to　save
myself　or　to　save　her？〃

The　last　two　passages　read　referred　to　later　dates　still。

〃A　gleam　of　brightness　has　shone　over　this　dismal　existence　of
mine　at　last。

〃Helena　is　no　longer　condemned　to　the　seclusion　of　widowhood。
Time　enough　has　passed　to　permit　of　her　mixing　again　in　society。
She　is　paying　visits　to　friends　in　our　part　of　Scotland；　and；　as
she　and　I　are　cousins；　it　is　universally　understood　that　she
cannot　leave　the　North　without　also　spending　a　few　days　at　my
house。　She　writes　me　word　that　the　visit；　however　embarrassing　it
may　be　to　us　privately；　is　nevertheless　a　visit　that　must　be　made
for　the　sake　of　appearances。　Blessings　on　appearances！　I　shall
see　this　angel　in　my　purgatoryand　all　because　Society　in
Mid…Lothian　would　think　it　strange　that　my　cousin　should　be
visiting　in　my　part　of　Scotland　and　not　visit　Me！

〃But　we　are　to　be　very　careful。　Helena　says；　in　so　many　words；　'I
come　to　see　you；　Eustace；　as　a　sister。　You　must　receive　me　as　a
brother；　or　not　receive　me　at　all。　I　shall　write　to　your　wife　to
propose　the　day　for　my　visit。　I　shall　not　forgetdo　you　not
forgetthat　it　is　by　your　wife's　permission　that　I　enter　your
house。'

〃Only　let　me　see　her！　I　will　submit　to　anything　to　obtain　the
unutterable　happiness　of　seeing　her！〃

The　last　extract　followed；　and　consisted　of　these　lines　only：

〃A　new　misfortune！　My　wife　has　fallen　ill。　She　has　taken　to　her
bed　with　a　bad　rheumatic　cold；　just　at　the　time　appointed　for
Helena's　visit　to　Gleninch。　But　on　this　occasion　（I　gladly　own
it！）　she　has　behaved　charmingly。　She　has　written　to　Helena　to　say
that　her　illness　is　not　serious　enough　to　render　a　change
necessary　in　the　arrangements；　and　to　make　it　her　particular
request　that　my　cousin's　visit　shall　take　place　upon　the　day
originally　decided　on。

〃This　is　a　great　sacrifice　made　to　me　on　my　wife's　part。　Jealous
of　every　woman　under　forty　who　comes　near　me；　she　is；　of　course；
jealous　of　Helenaand　she　controls　herself；　and　trusts　me！

〃I　am　bound　to　show　my　gratitude　for　this　and　I　will　show　it。
From　this　day　forth　I　vow　to　live　more　affectionately　with　my
wife。　I　tenderly　embraced　her　this　very　morning；　and　I　hope；　poor
soul；　she　did　not　discover　the　effort　that　it　cost　me。〃

There　the　readings　from　the　Diary　came　to　an　end。

The　most　unpleasant　pages　in　the　whole　Report　of　the　Trial
wereto　methe　pages　which　contained　the　extracts　from　my
husband's　Diary。　There　were　expressions　here　and　there　which　not
only　pained　me；　but　w