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position? Upon one thing he was determined: whatever happened; he

would not play the part of 'the rescued lamb'。 He vehemently

asserted that the purpose of the expedition could only be the

relief of the Sudan garrisons; it was monstrous to imagine that

it had been undertaken merely to ensure his personal safety。 He

refused to believe it。 In any case; 'I declare POSITIVELY;' he

wrote; with passionate underlinings。 'AND ONCE FOR ALL; THAT I

WILL NOT LEAVE THE SUDAN UNTIL EVERY ONE WHO WANTS TO GO DOWN IS

GIVEN THE CHANCE TO DO SO; UNLESS a government is established

which relieves me of the charge; therefore; if any emissary or

letter comes up here ordering me to comedown; I WILL NOT OBEY IT;

BUT WILL STAY HERE AND FALL WITH THE TOWN; AND RUN ALL RISKS'。



This was sheer insubordination; no doubt; but he could not help

that; it was not in his nature to be obedient。 'I know if I was

chief; I would never employ myself; for I am incorrigible。'

Decidedly; he was not afraid to be 'what club men call

insubordinate; though; of all insubordinates; the club men are

the worst'。



As for the government which was to replace him; there were

several alternatives: an Egyptian Pasha might succeed him as

Governor…General; or Zobeir might be appointed after all; or the

whole country might be handed over to the Sultan。 His fertile

imagination evolved scheme after scheme; and his visions of his

own future were equally various。 He would withdraw to the

Equator; he would be delighted to spend Christmas in Brussels; he

would 。。。 at any rate he would never go back to England。 That was

certain。 'I dwell on the joy of never seeing Great Britain again;

with its horrid; wearisome dinner…parties and miseries。 How we

can put up with those things; passes my imagination! It is a

perfect bondage。。。 I would sooner live 'like a Dervish with the

Mahdi; than go out to dinner every night in London。 I hope; if

any English general comes to Khartoum; he will not ask me to

dinner。 Why men cannot be friends without bringing the wretched

stomachs in; is astounding。'



But would an English general ever have the opportunity of asking

him to dinner in Khartoum? There were moments when terrible

misgivings assailed him。 He pieced together his scraps of

intelligence with feverish exactitude; he calculated times;

distances; marches。 'If;' he wrote on October 24th; they do not

come before 30th November; the game is up; and Rule Britannia。'

Curious premonitions came into his mind。 When he heard that the

Mahdi was approaching in person; it seemed to be the fulfilment

of a destiny; for he had 'always felt we were doomed to come face

to face'。 What would be the end of it all? 'It is; of course; on

the cards;' he noted; 'that Khartoum is taken under the nose of

the Expeditionary Force; which will be JUST TOO LATE。' The

splendid hawks that swooped about the palace reminded him of a

text in the Bible: 'The eye that mocketh at his father and

despiseth to obey his mother; the ravens of the valley shall pick

it out; and the young eagles shall eat it。' 'I often wonder;' he

wrote; 'whether they are destined to pick my eyes; for I fear I

was not the best of sons。'



So; sitting late into the night; he filled the empty telegraph

forms with the agitations of his spirit; overflowing ever more

hurriedly; more furiously; with lines of emphasis; and capitals;

and exclamation…marks more and more thickly interspersed; so that

the signs of his living passion are still visible to the inquirer

of today on those thin sheets of mediocre paper and in the

torrent of the ink。 But he was a man of elastic temperament; he

could not remain forever upon the stretch; he sought; and he

found; relaxation in extraneous mattersin metaphysical

digressions; or in satirical outbursts; or in the small details

of his daily life。 It amused him to have the Sudanese soldiers

brought in and shown their 'black pug faces' in the palace

looking…glasses。 He watched with a cynical sympathy the

impertinence of a turkey…cock that walked in his courtyard。 He

made friends with a mouse who; 'judging from her swelled…out

appearance'; was a lady; and came and ate out of his plate。 The

cranes that flew over Khartoum in their thousands; and with their

curious cry; put him in mind of the poems of Schiller; which few

ever read; but which he admired highly; though he only knew them

in Bulwer's translation。 He wrote little disquisitions on

Plutarch and purgatory; on the fear of death and on the sixteenth

chapter of the Koran。 Then the turkey…cock; strutting with 'every

feather on end; and all the colours of the rainbow on his neck';

attracted him once more; and he filled several pages with his

opinions upon the immortality of animals; drifting on to a

discussion of man's position in the universe; and the infinite

knowledge of God。 It was all clear to him。 And yet'what a

contradiction; is life! I hate Her Majesty's Government for their

leaving the Sudan after having caused all its troubles; yet I

believe our Lord rules heaven and earth; so I ought to hate Him;

which I (sincerely) do not。'




One painful thought obsessed him。 He believed that the two

Egyptian officers; who had been put to death after the defeat in

March; had been unjustly executed。 He had given way to 'outside

influences'; the two Pashas had been 'judicially murdered'。 Again

and again he referred to the incident with a haunting remorse。

〃The Times〃; perhaps; would consider that he had been justified;

but what did that matter? 'If The Times saw this in print; it

would say; 〃Why; then; did you act as you did?〃 to which I fear I

have no answer。' He determined to make what reparation he could;

and to send the families of the unfortunate Pashas £1;000 each。



On a similar; but a less serious; occasion; he put the same

principle into action。 He boxed the ears of a careless telegraph

clerk'and then; as my conscience pricked me; I gave him 5。 He

said he did not mind if I killed him I was his father (a

chocolate…coloured youth of twenty)。' His temper; indeed; was

growing more and more uncertain; as he himself was well aware。 He

observed with horror that men trembled when they came into his

presencethat their hands shook so that they could not hold a

match to a cigarette。



He trusted no one。 Looking into the faces of those who surrounded

him; he saw only the ill…dissimulated signs of treachery and

dislike。 Of the 40;000 inhabitants of Khartoum he calculated that

two…thirds were willingwere perhaps anxiousto become the

subjects of the Mahdi。 'These people are not worth any great

sacrifice;' he bitterly observed。 The Egyptian officials were

utterly incompetent; the soldiers were cowards。 All his

admiration was reserved for his enemies。 The meanest of the

Mahdi's followers was; he realised; 'a determined warrior; who

could undergo thirst and privation; who no more cared for pain or

death than if he were stone'。 Those were the men whom; if the

choice had lain with him; he would have wished to command。 And

yet; strangely enough; he persistently underrated the strength of

the forces against him。 A handful of Englishmen a handful of

Turks would; he believed; be enough to defeat the Mahdi's hosts

and destroy his dominion。 He knew very little Arabic; and he

depended for his information upon a few ignorant English…speaking

subordinates。 The Mahdi himself he viewed with ambiguous

feelings。 He jibed at him as a vulgar impostor; but it is easy to

perceive; under his scornful jocularities; the traces of an

uneasy respect。



He spent long hours upon the palace roof; gazing northwards; but

the veil of mystery and silence was unbroken。 In spite of the

efforts of Major Kitchener; the officer in command of the

Egyptian Intelligence Service; hardly any messengers ever reached

Khartoum; and when they did; the information they brought was

tormentingly scanty。 Major Kitchener did not escape the

attentions of Gordon's pen。 When news came at last; it was

terrible: Colonel Stewart and his companions had been killed。 The

Abbas; after having passed uninjured through the part of the

river commanded by the Mahdi's troops; had struck upon a rock;

Colonel Stewart had disembarked in safety; and; while he was

waiting for camels to convey the detachment across the desert

into Egypt; had accepted the hospitality of a local Sheikh。

Hardly had the Europeans entered the Sheikh's hut when they were

set upon and murdered; their native followers shared their fate。

The treacherous Sheikh was an adherent of the Mahdi; and to the

Mahdi all Colonel Stewart's papers; filled with information as to

the condition of Khartoum; were immediately sent。 When the first

rumours of the disaster reached Gordon; he pictured; in a flash

of intuition; the actual details of the catastrophe。 'I feel

somehow convinced;' he wrote; they were captured by treachery。。。

Stewart was not a bit suspicious (I am made up of it)。 I 

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