the man who was afraid-第54节

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oftly　in　a　faint　voice：

〃Take　the　drum　and　fear　not；　And　kiss　the　sutler　girl　aloud　That's　the　sense　of　learning　And　that's　philosophy。〃

Foma　heaved　a　deed　sigh　and　said：

〃May　I　have　some　seltzer？〃

〃Ah！〃　exclaimed　the　little　man；　and　jumping　up　from　his　chair；　appeared　at　the　wide　oilcloth…covered　lounge；　where　Foma　lay。　〃How　do　you　do；　comrade！　Seltzer？　Of　course！　With　cognac　or　plain？〃

〃Better　with　cognac；〃　said　Foma；　shaking　the　lean；　burning　hand　which　was　outstretched　to　him；　and　staring　fixedly　into　the　face　of　the　little　man。

〃Yegorovna！〃　cried　the　latter　at　the　door；　and　turning　to　Foma；　asked：　〃Don't　you　recognise　me；　Foma　Ignatyevich？〃

〃I　remember　something。　It　seems　to　me　we　had　met　somewhere　before。〃

〃That　meeting　lasted　for　four　years；　but　that　was　long　ago！　Yozhov。〃

〃0h　Lord！〃　exclaimed　Foma；　in　astonishment；　slightly　rising　from　the　lounge。　〃Is　it　possible　that　it　is　you？〃

〃There　are　times；　dear；　when　I　don't　believe　it　myself；　but　a　real　fact　is　something　from　which　doubt　jumps　back　as　a　rubber　ball　from　iron。〃

Yozhov's　face　was　comically　distorted；　and　for　some　reason　or　other　his　hands　began　to　feel　his　breast。

〃Well；　well！〃　drawled　out　Foma。　〃But　how　old　you　have　grown！　Ah…　ah！　How　old　are　you？〃

〃Thirty。〃

〃And　you　look　as　though　you　were　fifty；　lean；　yellow。　Life　isn't　sweet　to　you；　it　seems？　And　you　are　drinking；　too；　I　see。〃

Foma　felt　sorry　to　see　his　jolly　and　brisk　schoolmate　so　worn　out；　and　living　in　this　dog…hole；　which　seemed　to　be　swollen　from　burns。　He　looked　at　him；　winked　his　eyes　mournfully　and　saw　that　Yozhov's　face　was　for　ever　twitching；　and　his　small　eyes　were　burning　with　irritation。　Yozhov　was　trying　to　uncork　the　bottle　of　water；　and　thus　occupied；　was　silent；　he　pressed　the　bottle　between　his　knees　and　made　vain　efforts　to　take　out　the　cork。　And　his　impotence　moved　Foma。

〃Yes；　life　has　sucked　you　dry。　And　you　have　studied。　Even　science　seems　to　help　man　but　little；〃　said　Gordyeeff　plaintively。

〃Drink！〃　said　Yozhov；　turning　pale　with　fatigue；　and　handing　him　the　glass。　Then　he　wiped　his　forehead；　seated　himself　on　the　lounge　beside　Foma；　and　said：

〃Leave　science　alone！　Science　is　a　drink　of　the　gods；　but　it　has　not　yet　fermented　sufficiently；　and；　therefore　is　not　fit　for　use；　like　vodka　which　has　not　yet　been　purified　from　empyreumatic　oil。　Science　is　not　ready　for　man's　happiness；　my　friend。　And　those　living　people　that　use　it　get　nothing　but　headaches。　Like　those　you　and　I　have　at　present。　Why　do　you　drink　so　rashly？〃

〃I？　What　else　am　I　to　do？〃　asked　Foma；　laughing。　Yozhov　looked　at　Foma　searchingly　with　his　eyes　half　closed；　and　he　said：

〃Connecting　your　question　with　everything　you　jabbered　last　night；　I　feel　within　my　troubled　soul　that　you；　too；　my　friend；　do　not　amuse　yourself　because　life　is　cheerful　to　you。〃

〃Eh！〃　sighed　Foma；　heavily；　rising　from　the　lounge。　〃What　is　my　life？　It　is　something　meaningless。　I　live　alone。　I　understand　nothing。　And　yet　there　is　something　I　long　for。　I　yearn　to　spit　on　all　and　then　disappear　somewhere！　I　would　like　to　run　away　from　everything。　I　am　so　weary！〃

〃That's　interesting！〃　said　Yozhov；　rubbing　his　hands　and　turning　about　in　all　directions。　〃This　is　interesting；　if　it　is　true　and　deep；　for　it　shows　that　the　holy　spirit　of　dissatisfaction　with　life　has　already　penetrated　into　the　bed　chambers　of　the　merchants；　into　the　death　chambers　of　souls　drowned　in　fat　cabbage　soup；　in　lakes　of　tea　and　other　liquids。　Give　me　a　circumstantial　account　of　it。　Then；　my　dear；　I　shall　write　a　novel。〃

〃I　have　been　told　that　you　have　already　written　something　about　me？〃　inquired　Foma；　with　curiosity；　and　once　more　attentively　scrutinized　his　old　friend　unable　to　understand　what　so　wretched　a　creature　could　write。

〃Of　course　I　have！　Did　you　read　it？〃

〃No；　I　did　not　have　the　chance。〃

〃And　what　have　they　told　you？〃

〃That　you　gave　me　a　clever　scolding。〃

〃Hm！　And　doesn't　it　interest　you　to　read　it　yourself？〃　inquired　Yozhov；　scrutinizing　Gordyeeff　closely。

〃I'll　read　it！〃　Foma　assured　him；　feeling　embarrassed　before　Yozhov；　and　that　Yozhov　was　offended　by　such　regard　for　his　writings。　〃Indeed；　it　is　interesting　since　it　is　about　myself；〃　he　added；　smiling　kindheartedly　at　his　comrade。

In　saying　this　he　was　not　at　all　interested；　and　he　said　it　merely　out　of　pity　for　Yozhov。　There　was　quite　another　feeling　in　him；　he　wished　to　know　what　sort　of　a　man　Yozhov　was；　and　why　he　had　become　so　worn　out。　This　meeting　with　Yozhov　gave　rise　in　him　to　a　tranquil　and　kind　feeling；　it　called　forth　recollections　of　his　childhood；　and　these　flashed　now　in　his　memory；flashed　like　modest　little　lights；　timidly　shining　at　him　from　the　distance　of　the　past。　Yozhov　walked　up　to　the　table　on　which　stood　a　boiling　samovar；　silently　poured　out　two　glasses　of　tea　as　strong　as　tar；　and　said　to　Foma：

〃Come　and　drink　tea。　And　tell　me　about　yourself。〃

〃I　have　nothing　to　tell　you。　I　have　not　seen　anything　in　life。　Mine　is　an　empty　life！　You　had　better　tell　me　about　yourself。　I　am　sure　you　know　more　than　I　do；　at　any　rate。〃

Yozhov　became　thoughtful；　not　ceasing　to　turn　his　whole　body　and　to　waggle　his　head。　In　thoughtfulness　his　face　became　motionless；　all　its　wrinkles　gathered　near　his　eyes　and　seemed　to　surround　them　with　rays；　and　because　of　this　his　eyes　receded　deeper　under　his　forehead。

〃Yes；　my　dear；　I　have　seen　a　thing　or　two；　and　I　know　a　great　deal；〃　he　began；　with　a　shake　of　the　head。　〃And　perhaps　I　know　even　more　than　it　is　necessary　for　me　to　know；　and　to　know　more　than　it　is　necessary　is　just　as　harmful　to　man　as　it　is　to　be　ignorant　of　what　it　is　essential　to　know。　Shall　I　tell　you　how　I　have　lived？　Very　well；　that　is；　I'll　try。　I　have　never　told　any　one　about　myself；　because　I　have　never　aroused　interest　in　anyone。　It　is　most　offensive　to　live　on　earth　without　arousing　people's　interest　in　you！〃

〃I　can　see　by　your　face　and　by　everything　else　that　your　life　has　not　been　a　smooth　one！〃　said　Foma；　feeling　pleased　with　the　fact　that；　to　all　appearances；　life　was　not　sweet　to　his　comrade　as　well。　Yozhov　drank　his　tea　at　one　draught；　thrust　the　glass　on　the　saucer；　placed　his　feet　on　the　edge　of　the　chair；　and　clasping　his　knees　in　his　hands；　rested　his　chin　upon　them。　In　this　pose；　small　sized　and　flexible　as　rubber；　he　began：

〃The　student　Sachkov；　my　former　teacher；　who　is　now　a　doctor　of　medicine；　a　whist…player　and　a　mean　fellow　all　around；　used　to　tell　me　whenever　I　knew　my　lesson　well：　'You're　a　fine　fellow；　Kolya！　You　are　an　able　boy。　We　proletariats；　plain　and　poor　people；　coming　from　the　backyard　of　life；　we　must　study　and　study；　in　order　to　come　to　the　front；　ahead　of　everybody。　Russia　is　in　need　of　wise　and　honest　people。　Try　to　be　such；　and　you　will　be　master　of　your　fate　and　a　useful　member　of　society。　On　us　commoners　rest　the　best　hopes　of　the　country。　We　are　destined　to　bring　into　it　light；　truth；'　and　so　on。　I　believed　him；　the　brute。　And　since　then　about　twenty　years　have　elapsed。　We　proletariats　have　grown　up；　but　have　neither　appropriated　any　wisdom；　nor　brought　light　into　life。　As　before；　Russia　is　still　suffering　from　its　chronic　diseasea　superabundance　of　rascals；　while　we；　the　proletariats；　take　pleasure　in　filling　their　dense　throngs。　My　teacher；　I　repeat；　is　a　lackey；　a　characterless　and　dumb　creature；　who　must　obey　the　orders　of　the　mayor。　While　1　am　a　clown　in　the　employ　of　society。　Fame　pursues　me　here　in　town；　dear。　I　walk　along　the　street　and　I　hear　one　driver　say　to　another：　'There　goes　Yozhov！　How　cleverly　he　barks；　the　deuce　take　him！'　Yes！　Even　this　cannot　be　so　easily　attained。〃

Yozhov's　face　wrinkled　into　a　bitter　grimace；　and　he　began　to　laugh；　noiselessly；　with　his　lips　only。　Foma　did　not　understand　his　words；　and；　just　to　say　something；　he　remarked　at　random：

〃You　didn't　hit；　then；　what　you　aimed　at？〃

〃Yes；　I　thought　I　would　grow　up　higher。　And　so　I　should！　So　I　should；　I　say！〃

He　jumped　up　from　his　chair　and　began　to　run　about　in　the　room；　exclaiming　briskly　in　a　shrill　voice：

〃But　to　preserve　one's　self　pure　for　life　and　to　be　a　free　man　in　it；　one　must　have　vast　powers！　I　had　them。　I　had　elasticity；　cleverness。　I　have　spent　all　these　in　order　to　learn　something　which　is　absolutely　unnecessary　to　me　now。　I　have　wasted　the　whole　of　myself　in　order　to　preserve　something　within　myself。　0h　devil！　I　myself　and　many　others　with　me；　we　have　all　robbed　ourselves　for　the　sake　of　saving　up　something　for　life。　Just　think　of　it：　desiring　to　make　of　myself　a　valuable　man；　I　have　underrated　my　individuality　in　every　way　possible。　In　order　to　study；　and　not　die　of　starvation；　I　have　for　six　years　in　succession　taught　blockheads　how　to　read　and　write；　and　had　to　bear　a　mass　of　abominations　at　the　hands　of　various　papas　and　mammas；　who　humiliated　me　without　any　constraint。　Earning　my　bread　and　tea；　I　could　not；　I　had　not　the　time　to　earn　my　shoes；　and　I　had　to　turn　to　charitable　institutions　with　humble　petitions　for　loans　on　the　strength　of　my　poverty。　If　the　philanthropists　could　only　reckon　up　how　much　of　the　spirit　they　kill　in　man　while　supporting　the　life　of　his　body！　If　they　only　knew　that　each　rouble　they　give　for　bread　contains　ninety…nine　copecks'