the man who was afraid-第53节
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Sitting on the beams； Foma rocked his whole body to and fro； and out of the darkness； from the river； various human figures appeared silently before himsailors； stokers； clerks； waiters； half…intoxicated painted women； and tavern…loungers。 They floated in the air like shadows； something damp and brackish came from them； and the dark； dense throng moved on slowly； noiselessly and swiftly； like clouds in an autumn sky。 The soft splashing of the waves poured into his soul like sadly sighing music。 Far away； somewhere on the other bank of the river； burned a wood…pile； embraced by the darkness on all sides； it was at times almost absorbed by it； and in the darkness it trembled； a reddish spot scarcely visible to the eye。 But now the fire flamed up again； the darkness receded； and it was evident that the flame was striving upward。 And then it sank again。
〃0h Lord； 0h Lord！〃 thought Foma； painfully and bitterly； feeling that grief was oppressing his heart with ever greater power。 〃Here I am； alone； even as that fire。 Only no light comes from me； nothing but fumes and smoke。 If I could only meet a wise man！ Someone to speak to。 It is utterly impossible for me to live alone。 I cannot do anything。 I wish I might meet a man。〃
Far away； on the river； two large purple fires appeared； and high above them was a third。 A dull noise resounded in the distance； something black was moving toward Foma。
〃A steamer going up stream；〃 he thought。 〃There may be more than a hundred people aboard； and none of them give a single thought to me。 They all know whither they are sailing。 Every one of them has something that is his own。 Every one； I believe； understands what he wants。 But what do I want？ And who will tell it to me？ Where is such a man？〃
The lights of the steamer were reflected in the river； quivering in it； the illumined water rushed away from it with a dull murmur； and the steamer looked like a huge black fish with fins of fire。
A few days elapsed after this painful night； and Foma caroused again。 It came about by accident and against his will。 He had made up his mind to restrain himself from drinking； and so went to dinner in one of the most expensive hotels in town； hoping to find there none of his familiar drinking…companions； who always selected the cheaper and less respectable places for their drinking bouts。 But his calculation proved to be wrong； he at once came into the friendly joyous embrace of the brandy… distiller's son； who had taken Sasha as mistress。
He ran up to Foma； embraced him and burst into merry laughter。
〃Here's a meeting！ This is the third day I have eaten here； and I am wearied by this terrible lonesomeness。 There is not a decent man in the whole town； so I have had to strike up an acquaintance with newspaper men。 They're a gay lot； although at first they played the aristocrat and kept sneering at me。 After awhile we all got dead drunk。 They'll be here again todayI swear by the fortune of my father！ I'll introduce you to them。 There is one writer of feuilletons here； you know； that some one who always lauded you； what's his name？ An amusing fellow； the devil take him！ Do you know it would be a good thing to hire one like that for personal use！ Give him a certain sum of money and order him to amuse！ How's that？ I had a certain coupletist in my employ； it was rather entertaining to be with him。 I used to say to him sometimes： 'Rimsky！ give us some couplets！' He would start； I tell you； and he'd make you split your sides with laughter。 It's a pity； he ran off somewhere。 Have you had dinner？〃
〃Not yet。 And how's Aleksandra？〃 asked Foma； somewhat deafened by the loud speech of this tall； frank； red…faced fellow clad in a motley costume。
〃Well； do you know；〃 said the latter with a frown； 〃that Aleksandra of yours is a nasty woman！ She's so obscure； it's tiresome to be with her； the devil take her！ She's as cold as a frog；brrr！ I guess I'll send her away。〃
〃Coldthat's true；〃 said Foma and became pensive。 〃Every person must do his work in a first class manner；〃 said the distiller's son； instructively。 〃And if you become some one's s mistress you must perform your duty in the best way possible； if you are a decent woman。 Well； shall we have a drink？〃
They had a drink。 And naturally they got drunk。 A large and noisy company gathered in the hotel toward evening。 And Foma； intoxicated； but sad and calm； spoke to them with heavy voice：
〃That's the way I understand it： some people are worms； others sparrows。 The sparrows are the merchants。 They peck the worms。 Such is their destined lot。 They are necessary But I and youall of youare to no purpose。 We live so that we cannot be compared to anythingwithout justification； merely at random。 And we are utterly unnecessary。 But even these here； and everybody else； to what purpose are they？ You must understand that。 Brethren！ We shall all burst！ By God！ And why shall we burst？ Because there is always something superfluous in us； there is something superfluous in our souls。 And all our life is superfluous！ Comrades！ I weep。 To what purpose am I？ I am unnecessary！ Kill me； that I may die； I want to die。〃
And he wept； shedding many drunken tears。 A drunken； small…sized； swarthy man sat down close to him； began to remind him of something； tried to kiss him； and striking a knife against the table； shouted：
〃True！ Silence！ These are powerful words！ Let the elephants and the mammoths of the disorder of life speak！ The raw Russian conscience speaks holy words！ Roar on； Gordyeeff！ Roar at everything！〃 And again he clutched at Foma's shoulders； flung himself on his breast； raising to Foma's face his round； black； closely…cropped head； which was ceaselessly turning about on his shoulders on all sides； so that Foma was unable to see his face； and he was angry at him for this； and kept on pushing him aside； crying excitedly：
〃Get away！ Where is your face？ Go on！〃
A deafening； drunken laughter smote the air about them； and choking with laughter； the son of the brandy…distiller roared to someone hoarsely：
〃Come to me！ A hundred roubles a month with board and lodging！ Throw the paper to the dogs。 I'll give you more！〃
And everything rocked from side to side in rhythmic； wave…like movement。 Now the people moved farther away from Foma； now they came nearer to him； the ceiling descended； the floor rose； and it seemed to Foma that he would soon be flattened and crushed。 Then he began to feel that he was floating somewhere over an immensely wide and stormy river； and； staggering； he cried out in fright：
〃Where are we floating？ Where is the captain？〃
He was answered by the loud； senseless laughter of the drunken crowd； and by the shrill； repulsive shout of the swarthy little man：
〃True！ we are all without helm and sails。 Where is the captain？ What？ Ha； ha； ha！〃
Foma awakened from this nightmare in a small room with two windows； and the first thing his eyes fell upon was a withered tree。 It stood near the window； its thick trunk； barkless； with a rotten heart； prevented the light from entering the room； the bent； black branches； devoid of leaves； stretched themselves mournfully and helplessly in the air； and shaking to and fro； they creaked softly； plaintively。 A rain was falling； streams of water were beating against the window…panes； and one could hear how the water was falling to the ground from the roof； sobbing there。 This sobbing sound was joined by another sounda shrill； often interrupted； hasty scratching of a pen over paper； and then by a certain spasmodic grumbling。
When he turned with difficulty his aching； heavy head on the pillow； Foma noticed a small； swarthy man； who sat by the table hastily scratching with his pen over the paper； shaking his round head approvingly； wagging it from side to side； shrugging his shoulders； and； with all his small body clothed in night garments only； constantly moving about in his chair； as though he were sitting on fire； and could not get up for some reason or other。 His left hand； lean and thin； was now firmly rubbing his forehead； now making certain incomprehensible signs in the air； his bare feet scraped along the floor； a certain vein quivered on his neck； and even his ears were moving。 When he turned toward Foma； Foma saw his thin lips whispering something； his sharp… pointed nose turned down to his thin moustache； which twitched upward each time the little man smiled。 His face was yellow； bloated； wrinkled； and his black； vivacious small sparkling eyes did not seem to belong to him。
Having grown tired of looking at him； Foma slowly began to examine the room with his eyes。 On the large nails； driven into the walls； hung piles of newspapers； which made the walls look as though covered with swellings。 The ceiling was pasted with paper which had been white once upon a time； now it was puffed up like bladders； torn here and there； peeled off and hanging in dirty scraps； clothing； boots； books； torn pieces of paper lay scattered on the floor。 Altogether the room gave one the impression that it had been scalded with boiling water。
The little man dropped the pen； bent over the table； drummed briskly on its edge with his fingers and began to sing softly in a faint voice：
〃Take the drum and fear not； And
