the man who was afraid-第48节
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〃Do not love me； but teach me。 But then； you cannot teach me the right thing！〃 said Foma； as he turned his back on the old man and left the hall。
Yakov Tarasovich Mayakin remained in the tavern alone。 He sat by the table； and； bending over it； made drawings of patterns on the tray； dipping his trembling finger in the spilt kvass； and his sharp…pointed head was sinking lower and lower over the table； as though he did not decipher； and could not make out what his bony finger was drawing on the tray。
Beads of perspiration glistened on his bald crown； and as usual the wrinkles on his cheeks quivered with frequent； irritable starts。
In the tavern a resounding tumult smote the air so that the window…panes were rattling。 From the Volga were wafted the whistlings of steamers； the dull beating of the wheels upon the water； the shouting of the loaderslife was moving onward unceasingly and unquestionably。
Summoning the waiter with a nod Yakov Tarasovich asked him with peculiar intensity and impressiveness
〃How much do I owe for all this？〃
CHAPTER X
PREVIOUS to his quarrel with Mayakin； Foma had caroused because of the weariness of life； out of curiosity； and half indifferently； now he led a dissipated life out of spite； almost in despair； now he was filled with a feeling of vengeance and with a certain insolence toward men； an insolence which astonished even himself at times。 He saw that the people about him； like himself； lacked support and reason； only they did not understand this； or purposely would not understand it； so as not to hinder themselves from living blindly； and from giving themselves completely； without a thought； to their dissolute life。 He found nothing firm in them； nothing steadfast； when sober； they seemed to him miserable and stupid； when intoxicated； they were repulsive to him； and still more stupid。 None of them inspired him with respect； with deep； hearty interest； he did not even ask them what their names were； he forgot where and when he made their acquaintance； and regarding them with contemptuous curiosity； always longed to say and do something that would offend them。 He passed days and nights with them in different places of amusement； and his acquaintances always depended just upon the category of each of these places。 In the expensive and elegant restaurants certain sharpers of the better class of society surrounded himgamblers； couplet singers； jugglers； actors； and property…holders who were ruined by leading depraved lives。 At first these people treated him with a patronizing air； and boasted before him of their refined tastes； of their knowledge of the merits of wine and food； and then they courted favours of him； fawned upon him； borrowed of him money which he scattered about without counting； drawing it from the banks； and already borrowing it on promissory notes。 In the cheap taverns hair…dressers； markers； clerks； functionaries and choristers surrounded him like vultures； and among these people he always felt betterfreer。 In these he saw plain people； not so monstrously deformed and distorted as that 〃clean society〃 of the elegant restaurants； these were less depraved； cleverer； better understood by him。 At times they evinced wholesome； strong emotions； and there was always something more human in them。 But； like the 〃clean society；〃 these were also eager for money； and shamelessly fleeced him； and he saw it and rudely mocked them。
To be sure； there were women。 Physically healthy； but not sensual； Foma bought them； the dear ones and the cheap ones； the beautiful and the ugly； gave them large sums of money； changed them almost every week； and in general； he treated the women better than the men。 He laughed at them； said to them disgraceful and offensive words； but he could never； even when half…drunk； rid himself of a certain bashfulness in their presence。 They all； even the most brazen…faced； the strongest and the most shameless； seemed to him weak and defenseless； like small children。 Always ready to thrash any man； he never laid a hand on women； although when irritated by something he sometimes abused them indecently。 He felt that he was immeasurably stronger than any woman； and every woman seemed to him immeasurably more miserable than he was。 Those of the women who led their dissolute lives audaciously； boasting of their depravity； called forth in Foma a feeling of bashfulness； which made him timid and awkward。 One evening； during supper hour； one of these women； intoxicated and impudent； struck Foma on the cheek with a melon…rind。 Foma was half…drunk。 He turned pale with rage； rose from his chair； and thrusting his hands into his pockets； said in a fierce voice which trembled with indignation：
〃You carrion； get out。 Begone！ Someone else would have broken your head for this。 And you know that I am forbearing with you； and that my arm is never raised against any of your kind。 Drive her away to the devil！〃
A few days after her arrival in Kazan； Sasha became the mistress of a certain vodka…distiller's son； who was carousing together with Foma。 Going away with her new master to some place on the Kama； she said to Foma：
〃Goodbye； dear man！ Perhaps we may meet again。 We're both going the same way！ But I advise you not to give your heart free rein。 Enjoy yourself without looking back at anything。 And then； when the gruel is eaten up； smash the bowl on the ground。 Goodbye！〃
And she impressed a hot kiss upon his lips； at which her eyes looked still darker。
Foma was glad that she was leaving him； he had grown tired of her and her cold indifference frightened him。 But now something trembled within him； he turned aside from her and said in a low voice：
〃Perhaps you will not live well together； then come back to me。〃
〃Thank you！〃 she replied； and for some reason or other burst into hoarse laughter； which was uncommon with her。
Thus lived Foma； day in and day out； always turning around on one and the same place； amid people who were always alike； and who never inspired him with any noble feelings。 And then he considered himself superior to them； because the thoughts of the possibility of freeing himself from this life was taking deeper and deeper root in his mind； because the yearning for freedom held him in an ever firmer embrace； because ever brighter were the pictures as he imagined himself drifting away to the border of life； away from this tumult and confusion。 More than once； by night； remaining all by himself； he would firmly close his eyes and picture to himself a dark throng of people； innumerably great and even terrible in its immenseness。 Crowded together somewhere in a deep valley； which was surrounded by hillocks； and filled with a dusty mist； this throng jostled one another on the same place in noisy confusion； and looked like grain in a hopper。 It was as though an invisible millstone； hidden beneath the feet of the crowd； were grinding it； and people moved about it like waves now rushing downward to be ground the sooner and disappear； now bursting upward in the effort to escape the merciless millstone。 There were also people who resembled crabs just caught and thrown into a huge basketclutching at one another； they twined about heavily； crawled somewhere and interfered with one another； and could do nothing to free themselves from captivity。
Foma saw familiar faces amid the crowd： there his father is walking boldly； sturdily pushing aside and overthrowing everybody on his way； he is working with his long paws； massing everything with his chest； and laughing in thundering tones。 And then he disappears； sinking somewhere in the depth； beneath the feet of the people。 There； wriggling like a snake； now jumping on people's shoulders； now gliding between their feet； his godfather is working with his lean； but supple and sinewy body。 Here Lubov is crying and struggling； following her father； with abrupt but faint movements； now remaining behind him； now nearing him again。 Striding softly with a kind smile on her face； stepping aside from everybody； and making way for everyone； Aunt Anfisa is slowly moving along。 Her image quivers in the darkness before Foma； like the modest flame of a wax candle。 And it dies out and disappears in the darkness。 Pelagaya is quickly going somewhere along a straight road。 There Sophya Pavlovna Medinskaya is standing； her hands hanging impotently； just as she stood in her drawing…room when he saw her last。 Her eyes were large； but some great fright gleams in them。 Sasha； too； is here。 Indifferent； paying no attention to the jostling； she is stoutly going straight into the very dregs of life； singing her songs at the top of her voice； her dark eyes fixed in the distance before her。 Foma hears tumult； howls； laughter； drunken shouts； irritable disputes about copeckssongs and sobs hover over this enormous restless heap of living human bodies crowded into a pit。 They jump； fall； crawl； crush one another； leap on one another's shoulders； grope everywhere like blind people； stumbling everywhere over others like themselves； struggle； and； falling； disappear from sight。 Money rustles； soaring like bats over the heads of the people； and the people greedily stretch out their hands toward it； the gold and silver jingles； bottles rattle； corks p
