the man who was afraid-第47节

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open　now　before　him。　Certain　images　sprang　up　in　his　mind；　and；　watching　their　shiftings；　he　muttered　incoherently：

〃Here；　this　is　better　than　anything！　Take　everything；　and　be　done　with　it！　Andas　for　meI　shall　be　free　to　go　anywhere　in　the　wide　world！　I　cannot　live　like　this。　I　feel　as　though　weights　were　hanging　on　me；　as　though　I　were　all　bound。　ThereI　must　not　go；　this　I　must　not　do。　I　want　to　live　in　freedom；　that　I　may　know　everything　myself。　I　shall　search　life　for　myself。　For；　otherwise；　what　am　I？　A　prisoner！　Be　kind；　take　everything。　The　devil　take　it　all！　Give　me　freedom；　pray！　What　kind　of　a　merchant　am　I？　I　do　not　like　anything。　And　soI　would　forsake　men　everything。　I　would　find　a　place　for　myself；　I　would　find　some　kind　of　work；　and　would　work。　By　God！　Father！　set　me　at　liberty！　For　now；　you　see；　I　am　drinking。　I'm　entangled　with　that　woman。〃

Mayakin　looked　at　him；　listened　attentively　to　his　words；　and　his　face　was　stern；　immobile　as　though　petrified。　A　dull；　tavern　noise　smote　the　air；　some　people　went　past　them；　they　greeted　Mayakin；　but　he　saw　nothing；　staring　fixedly　at　the　agitated　face　of　his　godson；　who　smiled　distractedly；　both　joyously　and　pitifully。

〃Eh；　my　sour　blackberry！〃　said　Mayakin；　with　a　sigh；　interrupting　Foma's　speech。　〃I　see　you've　lost　your　way。　And　you're　prating　nonsense。　I　would　like　to　know　whether　the　cognac　is　to　blame　for　it；　or　is　it　your　foolishness？〃

〃Papa！〃　exclaimed　Foma；　〃this　can　surely　be　done。　There　were　cases　where　people　have　cast　away　all　their　possessions　and　thus　saved　themselves。〃

〃That　wasn't　in　my　time。　Not　people　that　are　near　to　me！〃　said　Mayakin；　sternly；　〃or　else　I　would　have　shown　them　how　to　go　away！〃

〃Many　have　become　saints　when　they　went　away。〃

〃Mm！　They　couldn't　have　gone　away　from　me！　The　matter　is　simple　you　know　how　to　play　at　draughts；　don't　you？　Move　from　one　place　to　another　until　you　are　beaten；　and　if　you're　not　beaten　then　you　have　the　queen。　Then　all　ways　are　open　to　you。　Do　you　understand？　And　why　am　I　talking　to　you　seriously？　Psha！〃

〃Papa！　why　don't　you　want　it？〃　exclaimed　Foma；　angrily。

〃Listen　to　me！　If　you　are　a　chimney…sweep；　go；　carrion；　on　the　roof！　If　you　are　a　fireman；　stand　on　the　watch…tower！　And　each　and　every　sort　of　men　must　have　its　own　mode　of　life。　Calves　cannot　roar　like　bears！　If　you　live　your　own　life；　go　on；　live　it！　And　don't　talk　nonsense；　and　don't　creep　where　you　don't　belong。　Arrange　your　life　after　your　pattern。〃　And　from　the　dark　lips　of　the　old　man　gushed　forth　in　a　trembling；　glittering　stream　the　jarring；　but　confident　and　bold　words　so　familiar　to　Foma。　Seized　with　the　thought　of　freedom；　which　seemed　to　him　so　easily　possible；　Foma　did　not　listen　to　his　words。　This　idea　had　eaten　into　his　brains；　and　in　his　heart　the　desire　grew　stronger　and　stronger　to　sever　all　his　connections　with　this　empty　and　wearisome　life；　with　his　godfather；　with　the　steamers；　the　barges　and　the　carouses；　with　everything　amidst　which　it　was　narrow　and　stifling　for　him　to　live。

The　old　man's　words　seemed　to　fall　on　him　from　afar；　they　were　blended　with　the　clatter　of　the　dishes；　with　the　scraping　of　the　lackey's　feet　along　the　floor；　with　some　one's　drunken　shouting。　Not　far　from　them　sat　four　merchants　at　a　table　and　argued　loudly：

〃Two　and　a　quarterand　thank　God！〃

〃Luka　Mitrich！　How　can　I？〃

〃Give　him　two　and　a　half！〃

〃That's　right！　You　ought　to　give　it；　it's　a　good　steamer；　it　tows　briskly。〃

〃My　dear　fellows；　I　can't。　Two　and　a　quarter！〃

〃And　all　this　nonsense　came　to　your　head　from　your　youthful　passion！〃　said　Mayakin；　importantly；　accompanying　his　words　with　a　rap　on　the　table。　〃Your　boldness　is　stupidity；　all　these　words　of　yours　are　nonsense。　Would　you　perhaps　go　to　the　cloister？　or　have　you　perhaps　a　longing　to　go　on　the　highways？〃

Foma　listened　in　silence。　The　buzzing　noise　about　him　now　seemed　to　move　farther　away　from　him。　He　pictured　himself　amid　a　vast　restless　crowd　of　people；　without　knowing　why　they　bustled　about　hither　and　thither；　jumped　on　one　another；　their　eyes　were　greedily　opened　wide；　they　were　shouting；　cursing；　falling；　crushing　one　another；　and　they　were　all　jostling　about　on　one　place。　He　felt　bad　among　them　because　he　did　not　understand　what　they　wanted；　because　he　had　no　faith　in　their　words；　and　he　felt　that　they　had　no　faith　in　themselves；　that　they　understood　nothing。　And　if　one　were　to　tear　himself　away　from　their　midst　to　freedom；　to　the　edge　of　life；　and　thence　behold　themthen　all　would　become　clear　to　him。　Then　he　would　also　understand　what　they　wanted；　and　would　find　his　own　place　among　them。

〃Don't　I　understand；〃　said　Mayakin；　more　gently；　seeing　Foma　lost　in　thought；　and　assuming　that　he　was　reflecting　on　his　words〃I　understand　that　you　want　happiness　for　yourself。　　Well；　my　friend；　it　is　not　to　be　easily　seized。　You　must　seek　happiness　even　as　they　search　for　mushrooms　in　the　wood；　you　must　bend　your　back　in　search　of　it；　and　finding　it；　see　whether　it　isn't　a　toad…stool。〃

〃So　you　will　set　me　free？〃　asked　Foma；　suddenly　lifting　his　head；　and　Mayakin　turned　his　eyes　away　from　his　fiery　look。

〃Father！　at　least　for　a　short　time！　Let　me　breathe；　let　me　step　aside　from　everything！〃　entreated　Foma。　〃I　will　watch　how　everything　goes　on。　And　thenif　notI　shall　become　a　drunkard。〃

〃Don't　talk　nonsense。　Why　do　you　play　the　fool？〃　cried　Mayakin；　angrily。

〃Very　well；　then！〃　replied　Foma；　calmly。　〃Very　well！　You　do　not　want　it？　Then　there　will　be　nothing！　I'll　squander　it　all！　And　there　is　nothing　more　for　us　to　speak　of。　Goodbye！　I'll　set　out　to　work；　you'll　see！　It　will　afford　you　joy。　Everything　will　go　up　in　smoke！〃　Foma　was　calm；　he　spoke　with　confidence；　it　seemed　to　him　that　since　he　had　thus　decided；　his　godfather　could　not　hinder　him。　But　Mayakin　straightened　himself　in　his　chair　and　said；　also　plainly　and　calmly：

〃And　do　you　know　how　I　can　deal　with　you？〃

〃As　you　like！〃　said　Foma；　with　a　wave　of　the　hand。　〃Well　then。　Now　I　like　the　following：　I'll　return　to　town　and　will　see　to　it　that　you　are　declared　insane；　and　put　into　a　lunatic　asylum。〃

〃Can　this　be　done？〃　asked　Foma；　distrustfully；　but　with　a　tone　of　fright　in　his　voice。

〃We　can　do　everything；　my　dear。〃

Foma　lowered　his　head；　and　casting　a　furtive　glance　at　his　godfather's　face；　shuddered；　thinking：

〃He'll　do　it；　he　won't　spare　me。〃

〃If　you　play　the　fool　seriously　I　must　also　deal　with　you　seriously。　I　promised　your　father　to　make　a　man　of　you；　and　I　will　do　it；　if　you　cannot　stand　on　your　feet；　I'll　put　you　in　irons。　Then　you　will　stand。　Though　I　know　all　these　holy　words　of　yours　are　but　ugly　caprices　that　come　from　excessive　drinking。　But　if　you　do　not　give　that　up；　if　you　keep　on　behaving　indecently；　if　you　ruin；　out　of　wantonness；　the　property　accumulated　by　your　father；　I'll　cover　you　all　up。　I'll　have　a　bell　forged　over　you。　It　is　very　inconvenient　to　fool　with　me。〃

Mayakin　spoke　gently。　The　wrinkles　of　his　cheeks　all　rose　upward；　and　his　small　eyes　in　their　dark　sockets　were　smiling　sarcastically；　coldly。　And　the　wrinkles　on　his　forehead　formed　an　odd　pattern；　rising　up　to　his　bald　crown。　His　face　was　stern　and　merciless；　and　breathed　melancholy　and　coldness　upon　Foma's　soul。

〃So　there's　no　way　out　for　me？〃　asked　Foma；　gloomily。　〃You　are　blocking　all　my　ways？〃

〃There　is　a　way。　Go　there！　I　shall　guide　you。　Don't　worry；　it　will　be　right！　You　will　come　just　to　your　proper　place。〃

This　self…confidence；　this　unshakable　boastfulness　aroused　Foma's　indignation。　Thrusting　his　hands　into　his　pockets　in　order　not　to　strike　the　old　man；　he　straightened　himself　in　his　chair　and　clinching　his　teeth；　said；　facing　Mayakin　closely：

〃Why　are　you　boasting？　What　are　you　boasting　of？　Your　own　son；　where　is　he？　Your　daughter；　what　is　she？　Eh；　youyou　life…　builder！　Well；　you　are　clever。　You　know　everything。　Tell　me；　what　for　do　you　live？　What　for　are　you　accumulating　money？　Do　you　think　you　are　not　going　to　die？　Well；　what　then？　You've　captured　me。　You've　taken　hold　of　me；　you've　conquered　me。　But　wait；　I　may　yet　tear　myself　away　from　you！　It　isn't　the　end　yet！　Eh；　you！　What　have　you　done　for　life？　By　what　will　you　be　remembered？　My　father；　for　instance；　donated　a　lodging…house；　and　youwhat　have　you　done？〃

Mayakin's　wrinkles　quivered　and　sank　downward；　wherefore　his　face　assumed　a　sickly；　weeping　expression。

〃How　will　you　justify　yourself？〃　asked　Foma；　softly；　without　lifting　his　eyes　from　him。

〃Hold　your　tongue；　you　puppy！〃　said　the　old　man　in　a　low　voice；　casting　a　glance　of　alarm　about　the　room。

〃I've　said　everything！　And　now　I'm　going！　Hold　me　back！〃

Foma　rose　from　his　chair；　thrust　his　cap　on　his　head；　and　measured　the　old　man　with　abhorrence。

〃You　may　go；　but　I'llI'll　catch　you！　It　will　come　out　as　I　say！〃　said　Yakov　Tarasovich　in　a　broken　voice。

〃And　I'll　go　on　a　spree！　I'll　squander　all！〃

〃Very　well；　we'll　see！〃

〃Goodbye！　you　hero；〃　Foma　laughed。

〃Goodbye；　for　a　short　while！　I'll　not　go　back　on　my　own。　I　love　it。　I　love　you；　too。　Never　mind；　you're　a　good　fellow！〃　said　Mayakin；　softly；　and　as　though　out　of　breath。

〃Do　not　love　me；　but　teach　me。　But　then；　you　cannot　teach　me　the　right　thing！〃　said　Foma；　as　he　turned　his　back　on　the　o