the man who was afraid-第45节

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〃That's　true。　Oh；　how　true　that　is！〃

And　Foma　was　inspired　with　the　desire　to　say　something　correct　and　important；　after　which　these　people　might　regard　him　in　a　different　light；　for　he　was　displeased　with　the　fact　that　all；　save　the　light…haired　fellow；　kept　silent　and　looked　at　him　askance；　surlily；　with　such　weary；　gloomy　eyes。

〃It　is　necessary　to　do　such　work；〃　he　said；　moving　his　eyebrows。　〃Such　work　that　people　may　say　a　thousand　years　hence：　'This　was　done　by　the　peasants　of　Bogorodskyes！

The　light…haired　fellow　glanced　at　Foma　with　astonishment　and　asked：

〃Are　we；　perhaps；　to　drink　the　Volga　dry？〃　Then　he　sniffed　and；　nodding　his　head；　announced：　〃We　can't　do　thatwe　should　all　burst。〃

Foma　became　confused　at　his　words　and　looked　about　him；　the　peasants　were　smiling　morosely；　disdainfully；　sarcastically。　And　these　smiles　stung　him　like　needles。　A　serious…looking　peasant；　with　a　big　gray　beard；　who　had　not　yet　opened　his　mouth　up　to　that　time；　suddenly　opened　it　now；　came　closer　to　Foma　and　said　slowly：

〃And　even　if　we　were　to　drink　the　Volga　dry；　and　eat　up　that　mountain；　into　the　bargainthat　too　would　be　forgotten；　your　Honour。　Everything　will　be　forgotten。　Life　is　long。　It　is　not　for　us　to　do　such　deeds　as　would　stand　out　above　everything　else。　But　we　can　put　up　scaffoldingsthat　we　can！〃

He　spoke　and　sceptically　spitting　at　his　feet；　indifferently　walked　off　from　Foma；　and　slipped　into　the　crowd；　as　a　wedge　into　a　tree。　His　words　crushed　Foma　completely；　he　felt；　that　the　peasants　considered　him　stupid　and　ridiculous。　And　in　order　to　save　his　importance　as　master　in　their　eyes；　to　attract　again　the　now　exhausted　attention　of　the　peasants　to　himself；　he　bristled　up；　comically　puffed　up　his　cheeks　and　blurted　out　in　an　impressive　voice：

〃I　make　you　a　present　of　three　buckets　of　vodka。〃

Brief　speeches　have　always　the　most　meaning　and　are　always　apt　to　produce　a　strong　impression。　The　peasants　respectfully　made　way　for　Foma；　making　low　bows　to　him；　and；　smiling　merrily　and　gratefully；　thanked　him　for　his　generosity　in　a　unanimous　roar　of　approval。

〃Take　me　over　to　the　shore；〃　said　Foma；　feeling　that　the　excitement　that　had　just　been　aroused　in　him　would　not　last　long。　A　worm　was　gnawing　his　heart；　and　he　was　weary。

〃I　feel　disgusted！〃　he　said；　entering　the　hut　where　Sasha；　in　a　smart；　pink　gown；　was　bustling　about　the　table；　arranging　wines　and　refreshments。　〃I　feel　disgusted；　Aleksandra！　If　you　could　only　do　something　with　me；　eh？〃

She　looked　at　him　attentively　and；　seating　herself　on　the　bench；　shoulder　to　shoulder　with　him；　said：

〃Since　you　feel　disgustedit　means　that　you　want　something。　What　is　it　you　want？〃

〃I　don't　know！〃　replied　Foma；　nodding　his　head　mournfully。

〃Think　of　itsearch。〃

〃I　am　unable　to　think。　Nothing　comes　out　of　my　thinking。〃

〃Eh；　you；　my　child！〃　said　Sasha；　softly　and　disdainfully；　moving　away　from　him。　〃Your　head　is　superfluous　to　you。〃

Foma　neither　caught　her　tone　nor　noticed　her　movement。　Leaning　his　hands　against　the　bench；　he　bent　forward；　looked　at　the　floor；　and；　swaying　his　body　to　and　fro；　said：

〃Sometimes　I　think　and　thinkand　the　whole　soul　is　stuck　round　with　thoughts　as　with　tar。　And　suddenly　everything　disappears；　without　leaving　any　trace。　Then　it　is　dark　in　the　soul　as　in　a　cellardark；　damp　and　emptythere　is　nothing　at　all　in　it！　It　is　even　terribleI　feel　then　as　though　I　were　not　a　man；　but　a　bottomless　ravine。　You　ask　me　what　I　want？〃

Sasha　looked　at　him　askance　and　pensively　began　to　sing　softly：

〃Eh；　when　the　wind　blowsmist　comes　from　the　sea。〃

〃I　don't　want　to　carouseit　is　repulsive！　Always　the　samethe　people；　the　amusements；　the　wine。　When　I　grow　maliciousI'd　thrash　everybody。　I　am　not　pleased　with　menwhat　are　they？　It　is　impossible　to　understand　themwhy　do　they　keep　on　living？　And　when　they　speak　the　truthto　whom　are　we　to　listen？　One　says　this；　another　that。　While　II　cannot　say　anything。〃

〃Eh；　without　thee；　dear；　my　life　is　weary；〃

sang　Sasha；　staring　at　the　wall　before　her。　And　Foma　kept　on　rocking　and　said：

〃There　are　times　when　I　feel　guilty　before　men。　Everybody　lives；　makes　noise；　while　I　am　frightened；　staggeredas　if　I　did　not　feel　the　earth　under　me。　Was　it；　perhaps；　my　mother　that　endowed　me　with　apathy？　My　godfather　says　that　she　was　as　cold　as　ice　that　she　was　forever　yearning　towards　something。　I　am　also　yearning。　Toward　men　I　am　yearning。　I'd　like　to　go　to　them　and　say：　'Brethren；　help　me！　Teach　me！　I　know　not　how　to　live！。　And　if　I　am　guiltyforgive　me！'　But　looking　about；　I　see　there's　no　one　to　speak　to。　No　one　wants　itthey　are　all　rascals！　And　it　seems　they　are　even　worse　than　I　am。　For　I　am；　at　least；　ashamed　of　living　as　I　am；　while　they　are　not！　They　go　on。〃

Foma　uttered　some　violent；　unbecoming　invectives　and　became　silent。　Sasha　broke　off　her　song　and　moved　still　farther　away　from　him。　The　wind　was　raging　outside　the　window；　hurling　dust　against　the　window…panes。　Cockroaches　were　rustling　on　the　oven　as　they　crawled　over　a　bunch　of　pine　wood　splinters。　Somewhere　in　the　yard　a　calf　was　lowing　pitifully。

Sasha　glanced　at　Foma；　with　a　sarcastic　smile；　and　said：

〃There's　another　unfortunate　creature　lowing。　You　ought　to　go　to　him；　perhaps　you　could　sing　in　unison。　And　placing　her　hand　on　his　curly　head　she　jestingly　pushed　it　on　the　side。

〃What　are　people　like　yourself　good　for？　That's　what　you　ought　to　think　of。　What　are　you　groaning　about？　You　are　disgusted　with　being　idleoccupy　yourself；　then；　with　business。〃

〃0h　Lord！〃　Foma　nodded　his　head。　〃It　is　hard　for　one　to　make　himself　understood。　Yes；　it　is　hard！〃　And　irritated；　he　almost　cried　out：　〃What　business？　I　have　no　yearning　toward　business！　What　is　business？　Business　is　merely　a　nameand　if　you　should　look　into　the　depth；　into　the　root　of　ityou'll　find　it　is　nothing　but　absurdity！　Do　I　not　understand　it？　I　understand　everything；　I　see　everything；　I　feel　everything！　Only　my　tongue　is　dumb。　What　aim　is　there　in　business？　Money？　I　have　plenty　of　it！　I　could　choke　you　to　death　with　it；　cover　you　with　it。　All　this　business　is　nothing　but　fraud。　I　meet　business　peoplewell；　and　what　about　them？　Their　greediness　is　immense；　and　yet　they　purposely　whirl　about　in　business　that　they　might　not　see　themselves。　They　hide　themselves；　the　devils。　Try　to　free　them　from　this　bustlewhat　will　happen？　Like　blind　men　they　will　grope　about　hither　and　thither；　they'll　lose　their　mindthey'll　go　mad！　I　know　it！　Do　you　think　that　business　brings　happiness　into　man？　No；　that's　not　sosomething　else　is　missing　here。　This　is　not　everything　yet！　The　river　flows　that　men　may　sail　on　it；　the　tree　growsto　be　useful；　the　dogto　guard　the　house。　There　is　justification　for　everything　in　the　world！　And　men；　like　cockroaches；　are　altogether　superfluous　on　earth。　Everything　is　for　them；　and　theywhat　are　they　for？　Aha！　Wherein　is　their　justification？　Ha；　ha；　ha！〃

Foma　was　triumphant。　It　seemed　to　him　that　he　had　found　something　good　for　himself；　something　severe　against　men。　And　feeling　that；　because　of　this；　there　was　great　joy　in　him；　he　laughed　loudly。

〃Does　not　your　head　ache？〃　inquired　Sasha；　anxiously；　scrutinizing　his　face。

〃My　soul　aches！〃　exclaimed　Foma；　passionately。　〃And　it　aches　because　it　is　uprightbecause　it　is　not　to　be　satisfied　with　trifles。　Answer　it；　how　to　live？　To　what　purpose？　Theretake　my　godfatherhe　is　wise！　He　sayscreate　life！　But　he's　the　only　one　like　this。　Well；　I'll　ask　him；　wait！　And　everybody　sayslife　has　usurped　us！　Life　has　choked　us。　I　shall　ask　these；　too。　And　how　can　we　create　life？　You　must　keep　it　in　your　hands　to　do　this；　you　must　be　master　over　it。　You　cannot　make　even　a　pot；　without　taking　the　clay　into　your　hands。〃

〃Listen！〃　said　Sasha；　seriously。　〃I　think　you　ought　to　get　married；　that's　all！〃

〃What　for？〃　asked　Foma；　shrugging　his　shoulders。

〃You　need　a　bridle。〃

〃All　right！　I　am　living　with　youyou　are　all　of　a　kind；　are　you　not？　One　is　not　sweeter　than　the　other。　I　had　one　before　you；　of　the　same　kind　as　you。　No；　but　that　one　did　it　for　love's　sake。　She　had　taken　a　liking　to　meand　consented；　she　was　goodbut；　otherwise；　she　was　in　every　way　the　same　as　youthough　you　are　prettier　than　she。　But　I　took　a　liking　to　a　certain　ladya　lady　of　noble　birth！　They　said　she　led　a　loose　life；　but　I　did　not　get　her。　Yes；　she　was　clever；　intelligent；　she　lived　in　luxury。　I　used　to　thinkthat's　where　I'll　taste　the　real　thing！　I　did　not　get　herand；　it　may　be；　if　I　had　succeeded；　all　would　have　taken　a　different　turn。　I　yearned　toward　her。　I　thoughtI　could　not　tear　myself　away。　While　now　that　I　have　given　myself　to　drink；　I've　drowned　her　in　wineI　am　forgetting　herand　that　also　is　wrong。　0　man！　You　are　a　rascal；　to　be　frank。〃

Foma　became　silent　and　sank　into　meditation。　And　Sasha　rose　from　the　bench　and　paced　the　hut　to　and　fro；　biting　her　lips。　Then　she　stopped　short　before　him；　and；　clasping　her　hands　to　her　head；　said：

〃Do　you　know　what？　I'll　leave　you。〃

〃Where　will　you　go？〃　asked　Foma；　without　lifting　his　head。

〃I　don't　knowit's　all　the　same！〃

〃But　why？〃

〃You're　always　saying　unnecessary　things。　It　is　lonesome　with　you。　You　make　me　sad。〃

Foma　lifted　his　head；　looked　at　her　and　burst　into　mournful　laught