the man who was afraid-第42节

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red　clouds。

The　wind　was　tearing　them　asunder　and　driving　them　somewhere；　heavy　and　weary；　one　overtaking　another；　they　were　passing　across　the　sky　in　an　enormous　flock。　Now　forming　a　solid　mass；　now　breaking　into　fragments；　now　falling　low　over　the　earth；　in　silent　confusion；　now　again　rising　upward；　one　swallowed　by　another。

Without　moving　his　head；　which　was　heavy　from　intoxication；　Foma　looked　long　at　the　clouds　and　finally　began　to　feel　as　though　silent　clouds　were　also　passing　through　his　breast；passing；　breathing　a　damp　coldness　upon　his　heart　and　oppressing　him。　There　was　something　impotent　in　the　motion　of　the　clouds　across　the　sky。　And　he　felt　the　same　within　him。　Without　thinking；　he　pictured　to　himself　all　he　had　gone　through　during　the　past　months。　It　seemed　to　him　as　though　he　had　fallen　into　a　turbid；　boiling　stream；　and　now　he　had　been　seized　by　dark　waves；　that　resembled　these　clouds　in　the　sky；　had　been　seized　and　carried　away　somewhere；　even　as　the　clouds　were　carried　by　the　wind。　In　the　darkness　and　the　tumult　which　surrounded　him；　he　saw　as　though　through　a　mist　that　certain　other　people　were　hastening　together　with　himto…day　not　those　of　yesterday；　new　ones　each　day；　yet　all　looking　alikeequally　pitiful　and　repulsive。　Intoxicated；　noisy；　greedy；　they　flew　about　him　as　in　a　whirlwind；　caroused　at　his　expense；　abused　him；　fought；　screamed；　and　even　wept　more　than　once。　And　he　beat　them。　He　remembered　that　one　day　he　had　struck　somebody　on　the　face；　torn　someone's　coat　off　and　thrown　it　into　the　water　and　that　some　one　had　kissed　his　hands　with　wet；　cold　lips　as　disgusting　as　frogs。　Had　kissed　and　wept；　imploring　him　not　to　kill。　Certain　faces　flashed　through　his　memory；　certain　sounds　and　words　rang　in　it。　A　woman　in　a　yellow　silk　waist；　unfastened　at　the　breast；　had　sung　in　a　loud；　sobbing　voice：

〃And　so　let　us　live　while　we　canAnd　thene'en　grass　may　cease　to　grow。〃

All　these　people；　like　himself；　grown　wild　and　beastlike；　were　seized　by　the　same　dark　wave　and　carried　away　like　rubbish。　All　these　people；　like　himself；　must　have　been　afraid　to　look　forward　to　see　whither　this　powerful；　wild　wave　was　carrying　them。　And　drowning　their　fear　in　wine；　they　were　rushing　forward　down　the　current　struggling；　shouting；　doing　something　absurd；　playing　the　fool；　clamouring；　clamouring；　without　ever　being　cheerful。　He　was　doing　the　same；　whirling　in　their　midst。　And　now　it　seemed　to　him；　that　he　was　doing　all　this　for　fear　of　himself；　in　order　to　pass　the　sooner　this　strip　of　life；　or　in　order　not　to　think　of　what　would　be　afterward。

Amid　the　burning　turmoil　of　carouses；　in　the　crowd　of　people；　seized　by　debauchery；　perplexed　by　violent　passions；　half…crazy　in　their　longing　to　forget　themselvesonly　Sasha　was　calm　and　contained。　She　never　drank　to　intoxication；　always　addressed　people　in　a　firm；　authoritative　voice；　and　all　her　movements　were　equally　confident；　as　though　this　stream　had　not　taken　possession　of　her；　but　she　was　herself　mastering　its　violent　course。　She　seemed　to　Foma　the　cleverest　person　of　all　those　that　surrounded　him；　and　the　most　eager　for　noise　and　carouse；　she　held　them　all　in　her　sway；　forever　inventing　something　new　and　speaking　in　one　and　the　same　manner　to　everybody；　for　the　driver；　the　lackey　and　the　sailor　she　had　the　same　tone　and　the　same　words　as　for　her　friends　and　for　Foma。　She　was　younger　and　prettier　than　Pelageya；　but　her　caresses　were　silent；　cold。　Foma　imagined　that　deep　in　her　heart　she　was　concealing　from　everybody　something　terrible；　that　she　would　never　love　anyone；　never　reveal　herself　entire。　This　secrecy　in　the　woman　attracted　him　toward　her　with　a　feeling　of　timorous　curiosity；　of　a　great；　strained　interest　in　her　calm；　cold　soul；　which　seemed　even　as　dark　as　her　eyes。

Somehow　Foma　said　to　her　one　day：

〃But　what　piles　of　money　you　and　I　have　squandered！〃

She　glanced　at　him；　and　asked：

〃And　why　should　we　save　it？〃

〃Indeed；　why？〃　thought　Foma；　astonished　by　the　fact　that　she　reasoned　so　simply。

〃Who　are　you？〃　he　asked　her　at　another　occasion。

〃Why；　have　you　forgotten　my　name？〃

〃Well；　the　idea！〃

〃What　do　you　wish　to　know　then？〃

〃I　am　asking　you　about　your　origin。〃

〃Ah！　I　am　a　native　of　the　province　of　Yaroslavl。　I'm　from　Ooglich。　I　was　a　harpist。　Well；　shall　I　taste　sweeter　to　you；　now　that　you　know　who　I　am？〃

〃Do　I　know　it？〃　asked　Foma；　laughing。

〃Isn't　that　enough　for　you？　I　shall　tell　you　nothing　more　about　it。　What　for？　We　all　come　from　the　same　place；　both　people　and　beasts。　And　what　is　there　that　I　can　tell　you　about　myself？　And　what　for？　All　this　talk　is　nonsense。　Let's　rather　think　a　little　as　to　how　we　shall　pass　the　day。〃

On　that　day　they　took　a　trip　on　a　steamer；　with　an　orchestra　of　music；　drank　champagne；　and　every　one　of　them　got　terribly　drunk。　Sasha　sang　a　peculiar；　wonderfully　sad　song；　and　Foma；　moved　by　her　singing；　wept　like　a　child。　Then　he　danced　with　her　the　〃Russian　dance；〃　and　finally；　perspiring　and　fatigued；　threw　himself　overboard　in　his　clothes　and　was　nearly　drowned。

Now；　recalling　all　this　and　a　great　deal　more；　he　felt　ashamed　of　himself　and　dissatisfied　with　Sasha。　He　looked　at　her　well…shaped　figure；　heard　her　even　breathing　and　felt　that　he　did　not　love　this　woman；　and　that　she　was　unnecessary　to　him。　Certain　gray；　oppressive　thoughts　were　slowly　springing　up　in　his　heavy；　aching　head。　It　seemed　to　him　as　though　everything　he　had　lived　through　during　this　time　was　twisted　within　him　into　a　heavy　and　moist　ball；　and　that　now　this　ball　was　rolling　about　in　his　breast；　unwinding　itself　slowly；　and　the　thin　gray　cords　were　binding　him。

〃What　is　going　on　in　me？〃　he　thought。　〃I've　begun　to　carouse。　Why？　I　don't　know　how　to　live。　I　don't　understand　myself。　Who　am　I？〃

He　was　astonished　by　this　question；　and　he　paused　over　it；　attempting　to　make　it　clear　to　himselfwhy　he　was　unable　to　live　as　firmly　and　confidently　as　other　people　do。　He　was　now　still　more　tortured。　by　conscience。　More　uneasy　at　this　thought；　he　tossed　about　on　the　hay　and　irritated；　pushed　Sasha　with　his　elbow。

〃Be　careful！〃　said　she；　although　nearly　asleep。

〃It's　all　right。　You're　not　such　a　lady　of　quality！〃　muttered　Foma。

〃What's　the　matter　with　you？〃

〃Nothing。〃

She　turned　her　back　to　him；　and　said　lazily；　with　a　lazy　yawn：

〃I　dreamed　that　I　became　a　harpist　again。　It　seemed　to　me　that　I　was　singing　a　solo；　and　opposite　me　stood　a　big；　dirty　dog；　snarling　and　waiting　for　me　to　finish　the　song。　And　I　was　afraid　of　the　dog。　And　I　knew　that　it　would　devour　me；　as　soon　as　I　stopped　singing。　So　I　kept　singing；　singing。　And　suddenly　it　seemed　my　voice　failed　me。　Horrible！　And　the　dog　is　gnashing　his　teeth。　0h　Lord；　have　mercy　on　me！　What　does　it　mean？〃

〃Stop　your　idle　talk！〃　Foma　interrupted　her　sternly。　〃You　better　tell　me　what　you　know　about　me。〃

〃I　know；　for　instance；　that　you　are　awake　now；〃　she　answered；　without　turning　to　him。

〃Awake？　That's　true。　I've　awakened；〃　said　Foma；　thoughtfully　and；　throwing　his　arm　behind　his　head；　went　on：　〃That's　why　I　am　asking　you。　What　sort　of　man　do　you　think　I　am？〃

〃A　man　with　a　drunken　headache；〃　answered　Sasha；　yawning。

〃Aleksandra！〃　exclaimed　Foma；　beseechingly；　〃don't　talk　nonsense！　Tell　me　conscientiously；　what　do　you　think　of　me？〃

〃I　don't　think　anything！〃　she　said　drily。　〃Why　are　you　bothering　me　with　nonsense？〃

〃Is　this　nonsense？〃　said　Foma；　sadly。　〃Eh；　you　devils！　This　is　the　principal　thing。　The　most　essential　thing　to　me。〃

He　heaved　a　deep　sigh　and　became　silent。　After　a　minute's　silence；　Sasha　began　to　speak　in　her　usual；　indifferent　voice：

〃Tell　him　who　he　is；　and　why　he　is　such　as　he　is？　Did　you　ever　see！　Is　it　proper　to　ask　such　questions　of　our　kind　of　women？　And　on　what　ground　should　I　think　about　each　and　every　man？　I　have　not　even　time　to　think　about　myself；　and；　perhaps；　I　don't　feel　like　doing　it　at　all。〃

Foma　laughed　drily　and　said：

〃I　wish　I　were　like　thisand　had　no　desires　for　anything。〃

Then　the　woman　raised　her　head　from　the　pillow；　looked　into　Foma's　face　and　lay　down　again；　saying：


〃You　are　musing　too　much。　Look　outno　good　will　come　of　it　to　you。　I　cannot　tell　you　anything　about　yourself。　It　is　impossible　to　say　anything　true　about　a　man。　Who　can　understand　him？　Man　does　not　know　himself。　Well；　here；　I'll　tell　youyou　are　better　than　others。　But　what　of　it？〃

〃And　in　what　way　am　I　better？〃　asked　Foma；　thoughtfully。

〃So！　When　one　sings　a　good　songyou　weep。　When　one　does　some　mean　thingyou　beat　him。　With　women　you　are　simple；　you　are　not　impudent　to　them。　You　are　peaceable。　And　you　can　also　be　daring；　sometimes。〃

Yet　all　this　did　not　satisfy　Foma。

〃You're　not　telling　me　the　right　thing！〃　said　he；　softly。　　　　　　　　　〃Well；　I　don't　know　what　you　want。　But　see　here；　what　are　we　going　to　do　after　they　have　raised　the　barge？〃

〃What　can　we　do？〃　asked　Foma。

〃Shall　we　go　to　Nizhni　or　to　Kazan？〃

〃What　for？〃

To　carouse。〃

〃1　don't　want　to　carouse　any　more。〃

〃What　else　are　you　going　to　do？〃

〃What？　Nothing。〃

And　both　were　silent　for　a　long　time；　without　looking　at　each　other。

〃You　have　a　disagreeable　character；〃　said　Sasha；　〃a　wearisome　character。〃

〃But　nevertheless　I　won't　get　drunk　any