the man who was afraid-第30节
按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
heart against her； was now melting before the warm light of her eyes。 The woman now seemed to him small； defenseless； like a child。 She was saying something in a gentle voice as though imploring； and forever smiling； but he paid no attention to her words。
〃I've come to you；〃 said he； interrupting her words； 〃without pity。 I meant to tell you everything。 And yet I said nothing。 I don't feel like doing it。 My heart sank。 You are breathing upon me so strangely。 Eh； I should not have seen you！ What are you to me？ It would be better for me to go away； it seems。〃
〃Wait； dearest； don't go away！〃 said the woman； hastily； holding out her hand to him。 〃Why so severe？ Do not be angry at me！ What am I to you？ You need a different friend； a woman just as simple… minded and sound…souled as you are。 She must be gay； healthy。 II am already an old woman。 I am forever worrying。 My life is so empty and so weary； so empty！ Do you know； when a person has grown accustomed to live merrily； and then cannot be merry； he feels bad！ He desires to live cheerfully； he desires to laugh； yet he does not laughit is life that is laughing at him。 And as to men。 Listen！ Like a mother； I advise you； I beg and implore youobey no one except your own heart！ Live in accordance with its promptings。 Men know nothing； they cannot tell you anything that is true。 Do not heed them。〃
Trying to speak as plainly and intelligibly as possible； she was agitated； and her words came incoherently hurriedly one after another。 A pitiful smile played on her lips all the time； and her face was not beautiful。
〃Life is very strict。 It wants all people to submit to its requests； and only the very strong ones can resist it with impunity。 It is yet questionable whether they can do it！ Oh； if you knew how hard it is to live。 Man goes so far that he begins to fear his own self。 He is split into judge and criminalhe judges his own self and seeks justification before himself。 And he is willing to pass days and nights with those that despise him； and that are repulsive to himjust to avoid being alone with himself。〃
Foma lifted his head and said distrustfully； with surprise：
〃I cannot understand what it is！ Lubov also says the same。〃
〃Which Lubov？ What does she say？〃
〃My foster…sister。 She says the same；she is forever complaining of life。 It is impossible to live； she says。〃
〃Oh； she is yet young！ And it is a great happiness that she already speaks of this。〃
〃Happiness！〃 Foma drawled out mockingly。 〃It must be a fine happiness that makes people sigh and complain。〃
〃You'd better listen to complaints。 There is always much wisdom in these complaints of men。 Oh！ There is more wisdom in these complaints than anywhere else。 You listen to these；they will teach you to find your way。〃
Foma heard the woman's voice； which sounded convincing； and perplexed； looked about him。 Everything had long been familiar to him； but today it looked somewhat new to him。 A mass of trifles filled the room； all the walls were covered with pictures and shelves； bright and beautiful objects were staring from every corner。 The reddish light of the lamp filled one with melancholy。 Twilight wrapped everything in the room； and only here and there the gold of the frames； or the white spots of marble flashed dimly。 Heavy fabrics were motionlessly hanging before the doors。 All this embarrassed and almost choked Foma； he felt as though he had lost his way。 He was sorry for the woman。 But she also irritated him。
〃Do you hear how I speak to you？ I wish I were your mother； or your sister。 Never before did anybody awaken in me so warm and kindred a feeling as you have done。 And you； you look at me in such an unfriendly way。 Do you believe me？ Yes？ No？〃
He looked at her and said with a sigh：
〃I don't know。 I used to believe you。〃
〃And now？〃 she asked hastily。
〃And nowit is best for me to go！ I don't understand anything； and yet I long to understand。 I do not even understand myself。 On my way to you I knew what to say； and here all is confused。 You have put me up on the rack； you have set me on edge。 And then you tell me'I am as a mother to you'which meansbegone！〃
〃Understand me； I feel sorry for you！〃 the woman exclaimed softly。
Foma's irritation against her was growing stronger and stronger； and as he went on speaking to her； his words became absurd。 While he spoke； he kept on moving his shoulders as though tearing something that entangled him。
〃Sorry？ What for？ I do not need it。 Eh； I cannot speak well！ It is bad to be dumb。 ButI would have told you！ You did not treat me properlyindeed； why have you so enticed a man？ Am I a plaything for you？〃
〃I only wanted to see you by my side；〃 said the woman simply； in a guilty voice。
He did not hear these words。
〃And when it came to the point； you were frightened and you shut yourself off from me。 You began to repent。 Ha； ha！ Life is bad！ And why are you always complaining of some life？ What life？ Man is life； and except man there is no life。 You have invented some other monster。 You have done this to deceive the eye； to justify yourself。 You do some mischief； you lose yourself in different inventions and foolishnesses and then you sigh！ Ah； life！ Oh； life！ And have you not done it yourself？ And covering yourself with complaints； you confuse others。 You have lost your way； very well； but why do you want to lead me astray？ Is it wickedness that speaks in you： 'I feel bad；' you say； 'let him also feel badthere； I'll besprinkle his heart with my poisonous tears！' Isn't that so？ Eh！ God has given you the beauty of an angel； but your heartwhere is it？〃
Standing before her； he trembled in every limb； and examined her from head to foot with reproachful looks。 Now his words came freely from his heart； he spoke not loud； but with power and pleasure。 Her head raised； the woman stared into his face； with wide…open eyes。 Her lips were trembling and deep wrinkles appeared at the corners of her mouth。
〃A beautiful person should lead a good life。 While of you they say things。〃 Foma's voice broke down； he raised his hand and concluded in a dull voice：
〃Goodbye！〃
〃Goodbye！〃 said Medinskaya； softly。
He did not give her his hand； but； turning abruptly； he walked away from her。 But already at the door he felt that he was sorry for her； and he glanced at her across his shoulder。 There； in the corner； she stood alone； her head bent； her hands hanging motionless。
Understanding that he could not leave her thus； he became confused； and said softly； but without repenting：
〃Perhaps I said something offensiveforgive me！ For after all I love you；〃 and he heaved a deep sigh。
The woman burst into soft； nervous laughter。
〃No； you have not offended me。 God speed you。〃
〃Well； then goodbye！〃 repeated Foma in a still lower voice。
〃Yes；〃 replied the woman； also in a low voice。
Foma pushed aside the strings of beads with his hand； they swung back noisily and touched his cheeks。 He shuddered at this cold touch and went out； carrying away a heavy； perplexed feeling in his breast； with his heart beating as though a soft but strong net were cast over it。
It was night by this time； the moon was shining and the frost covered the puddles with coatings of dull silver。 Foma walked along the sidewalk； he broke these with his cane； and they cracked mournfully。 The shadows of the houses fell on the road in black squares； and the shadows of the treesin wonderful patterns。 And some of them looked like thin hands； helplessly clutching the ground。
〃What is she doing now？〃 thought Foma； picturing to himself the woman； alone； in the corner of a narrow room； in the reddish half… light。
〃It is best for me to forget her；〃 he decided。 But he could not forget her； she stood before him； provoking in him now intense pity； now irritation and even anger。 And her image was so clear； and the thoughts of her were so painful； as though he was carrying this woman in his breast。 A cab was coming from the opposite side； filling the silence of the night with the jarring of the wheels on the cobble…stones and with their creaking on the ice。 When the cab was passing across a moonlit strip； the noise was louder and more brisk； and in the shadows it was heavier and duller。 The driver and the passenger in it were shaking and hopping about； for some reason or other they both bent forward and together with the horse formed one big； black mass。 The street was speckled with spots of light and shade； but in the distance the darkness seemed thick as though the street were fenced off by a wall； rising from earth to the skies。 Somehow it occurred to Foma that these people did not know whither they were going。 And he； too； did not know whither he was going。 His house rose before his imaginationsix big rooms； where he lived alone。 Aunt Anfisa had gone to the cloister； perhaps never to returnshe might die there。 At home were Ivan； the old deaf dvornik； the old maid； Sekleteya； his cook and servant； and a black； shaggy dog； with a snout as blunt as that of a sheat…fish。 And the dog； too； was old。
〃Perhaps I really ought to get married；〃 thought Foma； with a sigh。
But the very thought of how easy it was for him to get married made him ill at ease； and even ridiculous in his own ey
