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the man who was afraid-第25节

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〃Those are not men!〃 announced Luba; categorically。

〃I do not know what they are in your eyes; but you can see at once that they know their place。 A clever; easy…going lot。〃

〃Ah; Foma!〃 exclaimed Luba; vexed。 〃You understand nothing! Nothing agitates you! You are an idler。〃

〃Now; that's going too far! I've simply not had time enough to see where I am。〃

〃You are simply an empty man;〃 said Luba; resolutely and firmly。

〃You were not within my soul;〃 replied Foma; calmly。 〃You cannot know my thoughts。〃

〃What is there that you should think of?〃 said Luba; shrugging her shoulders。

〃So? First of all; I am alone。 Secondly; I must live。 Don't I understand that it is altogether impossible for me to live as I am now? I do not care to be made the laughing…stock of others。 I cannot even speak to people。 No; nor can I think。〃 Foma concluded his words and smiled confusedly。

〃It is necessary to read; to study;〃 Luba advised him convincingly; pacing up and down the room。

〃Something is stirring within my soul;〃 Foma went on; not looking at her; as though speaking to himself; 〃but I cannot tell what it is。 I see; for instance; that whatever my godfather says is clever and reasonable。 But that does not attract me。 The other people are by far more interesting to me。〃

〃You mean the aristocrats?〃 asked Luba。

〃Yes。〃

〃That's just the place for you!〃 said Luba; with a smile of contempt。 〃Eh; you! Are they men? Do they have souls?〃

〃How do you know them? You are not acquainted with them。〃

〃And the books? Have I not read books about them?〃

The maid brought in the samovar; and the conversation was interrupted。 Luba made tea in silence while Foma looked at her and thought of Medinskaya。 He was wishing to have a talk with her。

〃Yes;〃 said the girl; thoughtfully; 〃I am growing more and more convinced everyday that it is hard to live。 What shall I do? Marry? Whom? Shall I marry a merchant who will do nothing but rob people all his life; nothing but drink and play cards? A savage? I do not want it! I want to be an individual。 I am such; for I know how wrong the construction of life is。 Shall I study? My father will not allow this。 0h Lord! Shall I run away? I have not enough courage。 What am I to do?〃

She clasped her hands and bowed her head over the table。

〃If you knew but how repulsive everything is。 There is not a living soul around here。 Since my mother died; my father drove everyone away。 Some went off to study。 Lipa; too; left us。 She writes me:

'Read。' Ah; I am reading! I am reading!〃 she exclaimed; with despair in her voice; and after a moment's silence she went on sadly:

〃Books do not contain what the heart needs most; and there's much I cannot understand in them。 And then; I feel weary to be reading all the time alone; alone! I want to speak to a man; but there is none to speak to! I feel disgusted。 We live but once; and it is high time for me to live; and yet there is not a soul! Wherefore shall I live? Lipa tells me: 'Read and you will understand it。' I want bread and she gives me a stone。 I understand what one must doone must stand up for what he loves and believes。 He must fight for it。〃

And she concluded; uttering something like a moan:

〃But I am alone! Whom shall I fight? There are no enemies here。 There are no men! I live here in a prison!

Foma listened to her words; fixedly examining the fingers of his hand; he felt that in her words was some great distress; but he could not understand her。 And when she became silent; depressed and sad; he found nothing to tell her save a few words that were like a reproach:

〃There; you yourself say that books are worthless to you; and yet you instruct me to read。〃

She looked into his face; and anger flashed in her eyes。

〃Oh; how I wish that all these torments would awaken within you; the torments that constantly oppress me。 That your thoughts; like mine; would rob you of your sleep; that you; too; would be disgusted with everything; and with yourself as well! I despise every one of you。 I hate you!〃

All aflush; she looked at him so angrily and spoke with so much spitefulness; that in his astonishment he did not even feel offended by her。 She had never before spoken to him in such manner。

〃What's the matter with you?〃 he asked her。

〃I hate you; too! You; what are you? Dead; empty; how will you live? What will you give to mankind?〃 she said with malice; in a low voice。

〃I'll give nothing; let them strive for it themselves;〃 answered Foma; knowing that these words would augment her anger。

〃Unfortunate creature!〃 exclaimed the girl with contempt。

The assurance and the power of her reproaches involuntarily compelled Foma to listen attentively to her spiteful words; he felt there was common sense in them。 He even came nearer to her; but she; enraged and exasperated; turned away from him and became silent。

It was still light outside; and the reflection of the setting sun lay still on the branches of the linden…trees before the windows; but the room was already filled with twilight; and the sideboard; the clock and the cupboard seemed to have grown in size。 The huge pendulum peeped out every moment from beneath the glass of the clock…case; and flashing dimly; was hiding with a weary sound now on the right side; now on the left。 Foma looked at the pendulum and he began to feel awkward and lonesome。 Luba arose and lighted the lamp which was hanging over the table。 The girl's face was pale and stern。

〃You went for me;〃 said Foma; reservedly。 〃What for? I can't understand。〃

〃I don't want to speak to you!〃 replied Luba; angrily。

〃That's your affair。 But nevertheless; what wrong have I done to you?〃

〃You?

〃I。〃

〃Understand me; I am suffocating! It is close here。 Is this life? Is this the way how to live? What am I? I am a hanger…on in my father's house。 They keep me here as a housekeeper。 Then they'll marry me! Again housekeeping。 It's a swamp。 I am drowning; suffocating。〃

〃And what have I to do with it?〃 asked Foma。

〃You are no better than the others。〃

〃And therefore I am guilty before you?〃

〃Yes; guilty! You must desire to be better。〃

〃But do I not wish it?〃 exclaimed Foma。

The girl was about to tell him something; but at this time the bell began to ring somewhere; and she said in a low voice; leaning back in her chair:

〃It's father。〃

〃I would not feel sorry if he stayed away a little longer;〃 said Foma。 〃I wish I could listen to you some more。 You speak so very oddly。〃

〃Ah! my children; my doves! 〃 exclaimed Yakov Tarasovich; appearing in the doorway。 〃You're drinking tea? Pour out some tea for me; Lugava!〃

Sweetly smiling; and rubbing his hands; he sat down near Foma and asked; playfully jostling him in the side:

〃What have you been cooing about?〃

〃Soabout different trifles;〃 answered Luba。

〃I haven't asked you; have I?〃 said her father to her; with a grimace。 〃You just sit there; hold your tongue; and mind your woman's affairs。〃

〃I've been telling her about the dinner;〃 Foma interrupted his godfather's words。

〃Aha! So…o…o。 Well; then; I'll also speak about the dinner。 I have been watching you of late。 You don't behave yourself sensibly!〃

〃What do you mean?〃 asked Foma; knitting his brow; ill pleased。

〃I just mean that your behaviour is preposterous; and that's all。 When the governor; for instance; speaks to you; you keep quiet。〃

〃What should I tell him? He says that it is a misfortune to lose a father。 Well; I know it。 What could I tell him?〃

〃But as the Lord willed it so; I do not grumble; your Excellency。 That's what you should have said; or something in this spirit。 Governors; my dear; are very fond of meekness in a man。〃

〃Was I to look at him like a lamb?〃 said Foma; with a smile。

〃You did look like a lamb; and that was unnecessary。 You must look neither like a lamb; nor like a wolf; but just play off before him as though saying: 'You are our father; we are your children;' and he will immediately soften。〃

〃And what is this for?〃

〃For any event。 A governor; my dear; can always be of use somewhere。〃

〃What do you teach him; papa?〃 said Luba; indignantly; in a low voice。

〃Well; what?〃

〃To dance attendance。〃

〃You lie; you learned fool! I teach him politics; not dancing attendance; I teach him the politics of life。 You had better leave us alone! Depart from evil; and prepare some lunch for us。 Go ahead!〃

Luba rose quickly and throwing the towel across the back of the chair; left the room。 Mayakin; winking his eyes; looked after her; tapped the table with his fingers and said:

〃I shall instruct you; Foma。 I shall teach you the most genuine; true knowledge and philosophy; and if you understand them; your life will be faultless。〃

Foma saw how the wrinkles on the old man's forehead were twitching; and they seemed to him like lines of Slavonic letters。

〃First of all; Foma; since you live on this earth; it is your duty to think over everything that takes place about you。 Why? That you may not suffer for your own senselessness; and may not harm others by your folly。 Now; every act of man is double…faced; Foma。 One is visible to allthis is the wrong side; the other is concealedand that is the real one。 It is that one that you must 

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