the man who was afraid-第24节

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；　you　are　a　member　not　of　'the　Society　of　Solicitude；'　and　so　on；　but　of　the　Society　of　Tantaluses；　which　is　composed　of　persons　bent　on　pleasing　Sophya　Medinskaya。〃

Foma　listened　to　his　chatter；　now　and　then　looking　at　the　patroness；　who　was　absorbed　in　a　conversation　with　the　chief　of　the　police；　Foma　roared　in　reply　to　his　interlocutor；　pretending　to　be　busy　eating；　and　he　wished　that　all　this　would　end　the　sooner。　He　felt　that　he　was　wretched；　stupid；　ridiculous　and　he　was　certain　that　everybody　was　watching　and　censuring　him。　This　tied　him　with　invisible　shackles；　thus　checking　his　words　and　his　thoughts。　At　last　he　went　so　far；　that　the　line　of　various　physiognomies；　stretched　out　by　the　table　opposite　him；　seemed　to　him　a　long　and　wavy　white　strip　besprinkled　with　laughing　eyes；　and　all　these　eyes　were　pricking　him　unpleasantly　and　painfully。

Mayakin　sat　near　the　city　mayor；　waved　his　fork　in　the　air　quickly；　and　kept　on　talking　all　the　time；　now　contracting；　now　expanding　the　wrinkles　of　his　face。　The　mayor；　a　gray…headed；　red…faced；　short…　necked　man；　stared　at　him　like　a　bull；　with　obstinate　attention　and　at　times　he　rapped　on　the　edge　of　the　table　with　his　big　finger　affirmatively。　The　animated　talk　and　laughter　drowned　his　godfather's　bold　speech；　and　Foma　was　unable　to　hear　a　single　word　of　it；　much　more　so　that　the　tenor　of　the　secretary　was　unceasingly　ringing　in　his　ears：

〃Look；　there；　the　archdeacon　arose；　he　is　filling　his　lungs　with　air；　he　will　soon　proclaim　an　eternal　memory　for　Ignat　Matveyich。〃

〃May　I　not　go　away？〃　asked　Foma　in　a　low　voice。

〃Why　not？　Everybody　will　understand　this。〃

The　deacon's　resounding　voice　drowned　and　seemed　to　have　crushed　the　noise　in　the　hail；　the　eminent　merchants　fixed　their　eyes　on　the　big；　wide…open　mouth；　from　which　a　deep　sound　was　streaming　forth；　and　availing　himself　of　this　moment；　Foma　arose　from　his　seat　and　left　the　hall。

After　awhile　he　breathed　freely　and；　sitting　in　his　cab；　thought　sadly　that　there　was　no　place　for　him　amid　these　people。　Inwardly；　he　called　them　polished。　He　did　not　like　their　brilliancy；　their　faces；　their　smiles　or　their　words；　but　the　freedom　and　the　cleverness　of　their　movements；　their　ability　to　speak　much　and　on　any　subject；　their　pretty　costumesall　this　aroused　in　him　a　mixture　of　envy　and　respect　for　them。　He　felt　sad　and　oppressed　at　the　consciousness　of　being　unable　to　talk　so　much　and　so　fluently　as　all　these　people；　and　here　he　recalled　that　Luba　Mayakina　had　more　than　once　scoffed　at　him　on　this　account。

Foma　did　not　like　Mayakin's　daughter；　and　since　he　had　learned　from　his　father　of　Mayakin's　intention　to　marry　him　to　Luba；　the　young　Gordyeeff　began　to　shun　her。　But　after　his　father's　death　he　was　almost　every　day　at　the　Mayakins；　and　somehow　Luba　said　to　him　one　day：

〃I　am　looking　at　you；　and；　do　you　know？you　do　not　resemble　a　merchant　at　all。〃

〃Nor　do　you　look　like　a　merchant's　daughter；〃　said　Foma；　and　looked　at　her　suspiciously。　He　did　not　understand　the　meaning　of　her　words；　did　she　mean　to　offend　him；　or　did　she　say　these　words　without　any　kind　thoughts？

〃Thank　God　for　this！〃　said　she　and　smiled　to　him　a　kind；　friendly　smile。

〃What　makes　you　so　glad？〃　he　asked。

〃The　fact　that　we　don't　resemble　our　fathers。〃

Foma　glanced　at　her　in　astonishment　and　kept　silent。

〃Tell　me　frankly；〃　said　she；　lowering　her　voice；　〃you　do　not　love　my　father；　do　you？　You　don't　like　him？〃

〃Not　very　much；〃　said　Foma；　slowly。

〃And　I　dislike　him　very　much。〃

〃What　for？〃

〃For　everything。　When　you　grow　wiser；　you　will　know　it　yourself。　Your　father　was　a　better　man。〃

〃Of　course！〃　said　Foma；　proudly。

After　this　conversation　an　attachment　sprang　up　between　them　almost　immediately；　and　growing　stronger　from　day　to　day；　it　soon　developed　into　friendship；　though　a　somewhat　odd　friendship　it　was。

Though　Luba　was　not　older　than　her　god…brother；　she　nevertheless　treated　him　as　an　older　person　would　treat　a　little　boy。　She　spoke　to　him　condescendingly；　often　jesting　at　his　expense；　her　talk　was　always　full　of　words　which　were　unfamiliar　to　Foma；　and　she　pronounced　these　words　with　particular　emphasis　and　with　evident　satisfaction。　She　was　especially　fond　of　speaking　about　her　brother　Taras；　whom　she　had　never　seen；　but　of　whom　she　was　telling　such　stories　as　would　make　him　look　like　Aunt　Anfisa's　brave　and　noble　robbers。　Often；　when　complaining　of　her　father；　she　said　to　Foma：

〃You　will　also　be　just　such　a　skinflint。〃

All　this　was　unpleasant　to　the　youth　and　stung　his　vanity。　But　at　times　she　was　straightforward；　simple…minded；　and　particularly　kind　and　friendly　to　him；　then　he　would　unburden　his　heart　before　her；　and　for　a　long　time　they　would　share　each　other's　thoughts　and　feelings。

Both　spoke　a　great　deal　and　spoke　sincerely；　but　neither　one　understood　the　other；　it　seemed　to　Foma　that　whatever　Luba　had　to　say　was　foreign　to　him　and　unnecessary　to　her；　and　at　the　same　time　he　clearly　saw　that　his　awkward　words　did　not　at　all　interest　her；　and　that　she　did　not　care　to　understand　them。　No　matter　how　long　these　conversations　lasted；　they　gave　both　of　them　the　sensation　of　discomfort　and　dissatisfaction。　As　if　an　invisible　wall　of　perplexity　had　suddenly　arisen　and　stood　between　them。　They　did　not　venture　to　touch　this　wall；　or　to　tell　each　other　that　they　felt　it　was　there　they　resumed　their　conversations；　dimly　conscious　that　there　was　something　in　each　of　them　that　might　bind　and　unite　them。

When　Foma　arrived　at　his　godfather's　house；　he　found　Luba　alone。　She　came　out　to　meet　him；　and　it　was　evident　that　she　was　either　ill　or　out　of　humour；　her　eyes　were　flashing　feverishly　and　were　surrounded　with　black　circles。　Feeling　cold；　she　muffled　herself　in　a　warm　shawl　and　said　with　a　smile：

〃It　is　good　that　you've　come！　For　I　was　sitting　here　alone；　it　is　lonesomeI　don't　feel　like　going　anywhere。　Will　you　drink　tea？〃

〃I　will。　What　is　the　matter　with　you；　are　you　ill？〃

〃Go　to　the　dining…room；　and　I'll　tell　them　to　bring　the　samovar；〃　she　said；　not　answering　his　question。

He　went　into　one　of　the　small　rooms　of　the　house；　whose　two　windows　overlooked　the　garden。　In　the　middle　of　the　room　stood　an　oval　table；　surrounded　with　old…fashioned；　leather…covered　chairs；　on　one　partition　hung　a　clock　in　a　long　case　with　a　glass　door；　in　the　corner　was　a　cupboard　for　dishes；　and　opposite　the　windows；　by　the　walls；　was　an　oaken　sideboard　as　big　as　a　fair…sized　room。

〃Are　you　coming　from　the　banquet？〃　asked　Luba；　entering。

Foma　nodded　his　head　mutely。

〃Well；　how　was　it？　Grand？〃

〃It　was　terrible！　〃　Foma　smiled。　〃I　sat　there　as　if　on　hot　coals。　They　all　looked　there　like　peacocks；　while　I　looked　like　a　barn…owl。〃

Luba　was　taking　out　dishes　from　the　cupboard　and　said　nothing　to　Foma。

〃Really；　why　are　you　so　sad？〃　asked　Foma　again；　glancing　at　her　gloomy　face。

She　turned　to　him　and　said　with　enthusiasm　and　anxiety：

〃Ah；　Foma！　What　a　book　I've　read！　If　you　could　only　understand　it！〃

〃It　must　be　a　good　book；　since　it　worked　you　up　in　this　way；〃　said　Foma；　smiling。

〃I　did　not　sleep。　I　read　all　night　long。　Just　think　of　it：　you　read　and　it　seems　to　you　that　the　gates　of　another　kingdom　are　thrown　open　before　you。　And　the　people　there　are　different；　and　their　language　is　different；　everything　different！　Life　itself　is　different　there。〃

〃I　don't　like　this；〃　said　Foma；　dissatisfied。　〃That's　all　fiction；　deceit；　so　is　the　theatre。　The　merchants　are　ridiculed　there。　Are　they　really　so　stupid？　Of　course！　Take　your　father；　for　example。〃

〃The　theatre　and　the　school　are　one　and　the　same；　Foma；〃　said　Luba；　instructively。　〃The　merchants　used　to　be　like　this。　And　what　deceit　can　there　be　in　books？〃

〃Just　as　in　fairytales；　nothing　is　real。〃

〃You　are　wrong！　You　have　read　no　books；　how　can　you　judge？　Books　are　precisely　real。　They　teach　you　how　to　live。〃

〃Come；　come！〃　Foma　waved　his　hand。　〃Drop　it；　no　good　will　come　out　of　your　books！　There；　take　your　father；　for　example；　does　he　read　books？　And　yet　he　is　clever！　I　looked　at　him　today　and　envied　him。　His　relations　with　everybody　are　so　free；　so　clever；　he　has　a　word　for　each　and　every　one。　You　can　see　at　once　that　whatever　he　should　desire　he　is　sure　to　attain。〃

〃What　is　he　striving　for？〃　exclaimed　Luba。　〃Nothing　but　money。　But　there　are　people　that　want　happiness　for　all　on　earth；　and　to　gain　this　end　they　work　without　sparing　themselves；　they　suffer　and　perish！　How　can　my　father　be　compared　with　these？〃

〃You　need　not　compare　them。　They　evidently　like　one　thing；　while　your　father　likes　another。〃

〃They　do　not　like　anything！〃

How's　that？

〃They　want　to　change　everything。〃

〃So　they　do　strive　for　something？〃　said　Foma；　thoughtfully。　〃They　do　wish　for　something？〃

〃They　wish　for　happiness　for　all！〃　cried　Luba；　hotly。　〃I　can't　understand　this；〃　said　Foma；　nodding　his　head。　〃Who　cares　there　for　my　happiness？　And　then　again；　what　happiness　can　they　give　me；　since　I；　myself；　do　not　know　as　yet　what　I　want？　No；　you　should　have　rather　looked　at　those　that　were　at　the　banquet。〃

〃Those　are　not　men！〃　announced　Luba；　categorically。

〃I　do　not　know　what　they　are　in　your　eyes；　but　you　can　see　at　once　that　they　know　their　place。