5 midnigh+sun-第57节

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She　frowned。　　〃I　don't　speak　Car　and　Driver。〃　
〃It's　a　BMW。〃　　I　rolled　my　eyes　and　then　focused　on　backing　out　without　running　
anyone　down。　　I　had　to　lock　eyes　with　a　few　boys　that　didn't　seem　willing　to　move　out　of　
my　way。　　A　half…second　meeting　my　gaze　seemed　to　be　enough　to　convince　them。　
〃Are　you　still　angry？〃　I　asked　her。　　Her　frown　had　relaxed。　
〃Definitely；〃　she　answered　curtly。　
I　sighed。　　Maybe　I　shouldn't　have　brought　it　up。　　Oh　well。　　I　could　try　to　make　
amends；　I　supposed。　　〃Will　you　forgive　me　if　I　apologize？〃　
She　thought　about　that　for　a　moment。　　〃Maybe？if　you　mean　it；〃　she　decided。　
〃And　if　you　promise　not　to　do　it　again。〃　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
261　

I　wasn't　going　to　lie　to　her；　and　there　was　no　way　I　was　agreeing　to　that。　　Perhaps　
if　I　offered　her　a　different　exchange。　
〃How　about　if　I　mean　it；　and　I　agree　to　let　you　drive　this　Saturday？〃　　I　cringed　
internally　at　the　thought。　
The　furrow　popped　into　existence　between　her　eyes　as　she　considered　the　new　
bargain。　　〃Deal；〃　she　said　after　a　moment　of　thought。　
Now　for　my　apology？　　I'd　never　tried　to　dazzle　Bella　on　purpose　before；　but　
now　seemed　like　a　good　time。　　I　stared　deep　into　her　eyes　as　I　drove　away　from　the　
school；　wondering　if　I　was　doing　it　right。　　I　used　my　most　persuasive　tone。　
〃Then　I'm　very　sorry　I　upset　you。〃　
Her　heartbeat　thudded　louder　than　before；　and　the　rhythm　was　abruptly　staccato。　
Her　eyes　widened；　looking　a　little　stunned。　
I　half…smiled。　　It　seemed　like　I'd　gotten　it　right。　　Of　course；　I　was　having　a　bit　of　
difficulty　looking　away　from　her　eyes；　too。　　Equally　dazzled。　　It　was　a　good　thing　I　had　
this　road　memorized。　
〃And　I'll　be　on　your　doorstep　bright　and　early　Saturday　morning；〃　I　added；　
finishing　the　agreement。　
She　blinked　swiftly；　shaking　her　head　as　if　to　clear　it。　　〃Um；〃　she　said；　〃it　doesn't　
help　with　the　Charlie　situation　if　an　unexplained　Volvo　is　left　in　the　driveway。〃　
Ah；　how　little　she　still　knew　me。　　〃I　wasn't　intending　to　bring　a　car。〃　
〃How—〃　she　started　to　ask。　
I　interrupted　her。　　The　answer　would　be　hard　to　explain　without　a　demonstration；　
and　now　was　hardly　the　time。　　〃Don't　worry　about　it。　　I'll　be　there；　no　car。〃　
She　put　her　head　on　one　side；　and　looked　for　a　second　like　she　was　going　to　press　
for　more；　but　then　she　seemed　to　change　her　mind。　
〃Is　it　later　yet？〃　she　asked；　reminding　me　of　our　unfinished　conversation　in　the　
cafeteria　today；　she'd　let　go　of　one　difficult　question　just　to　return　another　that　was　more　
unappealing。　
〃I　suppose　it　is　later；〃　I　agreed　unwillingly。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
262　

I　parked　in　front　of　her　house；　tensing　as　I　tried　to　think　of　how　to　
explain？without　making　my　monstrous　nature　too　evident；　without　frightening　her　
again。　　Or　was　that　wrong？　　To　minimalize　my　darkness？　
She　waited　with　the　same　politely　interested　mask　she'd　worn　at　lunch。　　If　I'd　
been　less　anxious；　her　preposterous　calm　would　have　made　me　laugh。　
〃And　you　still　want　to　know　why　you　can't　see　me　hunt？〃　I　asked。　
〃Well；　mostly　I　was　wondering　about　your　reaction；〃　she　said。　
〃Did　I　frighten　you？〃　I　asked；　positive　that　she　would　deny　it。　
〃No。〃　
I　tried　not　to　smile；　and　failed。　　〃I　apologize　for　scaring　you。〃　　And　then　my　smile　
vanished　with　the　momentary　humor。　　〃It　was　just　the　very　thought　of　you　being　
there？while　we　hunted。〃　
〃That　would　be　bad？〃　
The　mental　picture　was　too　much—Bella；　so　vulnerable　in　the　empty　darkness；　
myself；　out　of　control？　　I　tried　to　banish　it　from　my　head。　　〃Extremely。〃　
〃Because？？〃　
I　took　a　deep　breath；　concentrating　for　one　moment　on　the　burning　thirst。　　Feeling　
it；　managing　it；　proving　my　dominion　over　it。　　It　would　never　control　me　again—I　willed　
that　to　be　true。　　I　would　be　safe　for　her。　　I　stared　at　the　welcome　clouds　without　seeing　
them；　wishing　I　could　believe　that　my　determination　would　make　any　difference　if　I　were　
hunting　when　I　crossed　her　scent。　
〃When　we　hunt？we　give　ourselves　over　to　our　senses；〃　I　told　her；　thinking　
through　each　word　before　I　spoke　it。　　〃Govern　less　with　our　minds。　　Especially　our　sense　
of　smell。　　If　you　were　anywhere　near　me　when　I　lost　control　that　way？〃　
I　shook　my　head　in　agony　at　the　thought　of　what　would—not　what　could；　but　
what　would—surely　happen　then。　
I　listened　to　the　spike　in　her　heartbeat；　and　then　turned；　restless；　to　read　her　eyes。　
Bella's　face　was　composed；　her　eyes　grave。　　Her　mouth　was　pursed　just　slightly　in　
what　I　guessed　was　concern。　　But　concern　for　what？　　Her　own　safety？　　Or　my　anguish？　　I　
continued　to　stare　at　her；　trying　to　translate　her　ambiguous　expression　into　sure　fact。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
263　

She　gazed　back。　　Her　eyes　grew　wider　after　a　moment；　and　her　pupils　dilated；　
though　the　light　had　not　changed。　
My　breathing　accelerated；　and　suddenly　the　quiet　in　the　car　seemed　to　be　
humming；　just　like　in　the　darkened　biology　room　this　afternoon。　　The　pulsing　current　
raced　between　us　again；　and　my　desire　to　touch　her　was；　briefly；　stronger　even　than　the　
demands　of　my　thirst。　
The　throbbing　electricity　made　it　feel　like　I　had　a　pulse　again。　　My　body　sang　with　
it。　　Like　I　was　human。　　More　than　anything　in　the　world；　I　wanted　to　feel　the　heat　of　her　
lips　against　mine。　　For　one　second；　I　struggled　desperately　to　find　the　strength；　the　
control；　to　able　to　put　my　mouth　so　close　to　her　skin？　
She　sucked　in　a　ragged　breath；　and　only　then　did　I　realize　that　when　I　had　started　
breathing　faster；　she　had　stopped　breathing　altogether。　
I　closed　my　eyes；　trying　to　break　the　connection　between　us。　
No　more　mistakes。　
Bella's　existence　was　tied　to　a　thousand　delicately　balanced　chemical　processes；　
all　so　easily　disrupted。　　The　rhythmic　expansion　of　her　lungs；　the　flow　of　oxygen；　was　life　
or　death　to　her。　　The　fluttering　cadence　of　her　fragile　heart　could　be　stopped　by　so　many　
stupid　accidents　or　illnesses　or？by　me。　
I　did　not　believe　that　any　member　of　my　family　would　hesitate　if　he　or　she　were　
offered　a　chance　back—if　he　or　she　could　trade　immortality　for　mortality　again。　　Any　one　
of　us　would　stand　in　fire　for　it。　　Burn　for　as　many　days　or　centuries　as　were　necessary。　
Most　of　our　kind　prized　immortality　above　anything　else。　　There　were　even　
humans　who　craved　this；　who　searched　in　dark　places　for　those　who　could　give　them　the　
blackest　of　gifts？　
Not　us。　　Not　my　family。　　We　would　trade　anything　to　be　human。　
But　none　of　us　had　ever　been　as　desperate　for　a　way　back　as　I　was　now。　
I　stared　at　the　microscopic　pits　and　flaws　in　the　windshield；　like　there　was　some　
solution　hidden　in　the　glass。　　The　electricity　had　not　faded；　and　I　had　to　concentrate　to　
keep　my　hands　on　the　wheel。　
My　right　hand　began　to　sting　without　pain　again；　from　when　I'd　touched　her　
before。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
264　

〃Bella；　I　think　you　should　go　inside　now。〃　
She　obeyed　at　once；　without　comment；　getting　out　of　the　car　and　shutting　the　door　
behind　herself。　　Did　she　feel　the　potential　for　disaster　as　clearly　as　I　did？　
Did　it　hurt　her　to　leave；　as　it　hurt　me　to　let　her　go？　　The　only　solace　was　that　I　
would　see　her　soon。　　Sooner　than　she　would　see　me。　　I　smiled　at　that；　then　rolled　the　
window　down　and　leaned　across　to　speak　to　her　one　more　time—it　was　safer　now；　with　
the　heat　of　her　body　outside　the　car。　
She　turned　to　see　what　I　wanted；　curious。　
Still　curious；　though　she'd　asked　me　so　many　questions　today。　　My　own　curiosity　
was　entirely　unsatisfied；　answering　her　questions　today　had　only　revealed　my　secrets—　
I'd　gotten　little　from　her　but　my　own　conjectures。　　That　wasn't　fair。　
〃Oh；　Bella？〃　
〃Yes？〃　
〃Tomorrow　it's　my　turn。〃　
Her　forehead　puckered。　　〃Your　turn　to　what？〃　
〃Ask　the　questions。〃　　Tomorrow；　when　we　were　in　a　safer　place；　surrounded　by　
witnesses；　I　would　get　my　own　answers。　　I　grinned　at　the　thought；　and　then　I　turned　away　
because　she　made　no　move　to　leave。　　Even　with　her　outside　of　the　car；　the　echo　of　the　
electricity　zinged　in　the　air。　　I　wanted　to　get　out；　too；　to　walk　her　to　her　door　as　an　excuse　
to　stay　beside　her？　
No　more　mistakes。　　I　hit　the　gas；　and　then　sighed　as　she　disappeared　behind　me。　　It　
seemed　like　I　was　always　running　toward　Bella　or　running　away　from　her；　never　staying　
in　place。　　I　would　have　to　find　some　way　to　hold　my　ground　if　we　were　ever　going　to　
have　any　peace。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer