5 midnigh+sun-第45节
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be afraid？
〃But you're not hungry now；〃 she declared； perfectly sure of herself。
〃Why do you think that？〃
〃Your eyes；〃 she said； her tone offhand。 〃I told you I had a theory。 I've noticed
that people—men in particular—are crabbier when they're hungry。〃
I chuckled at her description： crabby。 There was an understatement。 But she was
dead right； as usual。 〃You are observant； aren't you？〃 I laughed again。
She smiled a little； the crease returning between her eyes as if she were
concentrating on something。
〃Were you hunting this weekend； with Emmett？〃 she asked after my laugh had
faded。 The casual way she spoke was as fascinating as it was frustrating。 Could she
really accept so much in stride？ I was closer to shock than she seemed to be。
〃Yes；〃 I told her； and then； as I was about to leave it at that； I felt the same urge
I'd had in the restaurant： I wanted her to know me。 〃I didn't want to leave；〃 I went on
slowly； 〃but it was necessary。 It's a bit easier to be around you when I'm not thirsty。〃
〃Why didn't you want to leave？〃
I took a deep breath； and then turned to meet her gaze。 This kind of honesty was
difficult in a very different way。
〃It makes me？anxious；〃 I supposed that word would suffice； though it wasn't
strong enough； 〃to be away from you。 I wasn't joking when I asked you to try not to fall
in the ocean or get run over last Thursday。 I was distracted all weekend； worrying about
you。 And after what happened tonight； I'm surprised that you did make it through a
whole weekend unscathed。〃 Then I remembered the scrapes on her palms。 〃Well； not
totally unscathed；〃 I amended。
〃What？〃
〃Your hands；〃 I reminded her。
She sighed and grimaced。 〃I fell。〃
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I'd guessed right。 〃That's what I thought；〃 I said； unable to contain my smile。 〃I
suppose； being you； it could have been much worse—and that possibility tormented me
the entire time I was away。 It was a very long three days。 I really got on Emmett's
nerves。〃 Honestly； that didn't belong in the past tense。 I was probably still irritating
Emmett； and all the rest of my family； too。 Except Alice？
〃Three days？〃 she asked； her voice suddenly sharp。 〃Didn't you just get back
today？〃
I didn't understand the edge in her voice。 〃No； we got back Sunday。〃
〃Then why weren't any of you in school？〃 she demanded。 Her irritation confused
me。 She didn't seem to realize that this question was one that related to mythology again。
〃Well； you asked if the sun hurt me； and it doesn't；〃 I said。 〃But I can't go out in
the sunlight； at least； not where anyone can see。〃
That distracted her from her mysterious annoyance。 〃Why？〃 she asked； leaning
her head to one side。
I doubted I could come up with the appropriate analogy to explain this one。 So I
just told her； 〃I'll show you sometime。〃 And then I wondered if this was a promise I
would end up breaking。 Would I see her again； after tonight？ Did I love her enough yet
to be able to bear leaving her？
〃You might have called me；〃 she said。
What an odd conclusion。 〃But I knew you were safe。〃
〃But I didn't know where you were。 I—〃 She came to an abrupt stop； and looked
at her hands。
〃What？〃
〃I didn't like it；〃 she said shyly； the skin over her cheekbones warming。 〃Not
seeing you。 It makes me anxious； too。〃
Are you happy now？ I demanded of myself。 Well； here was my reward for
hoping。
I was bewildered； elated； horrified—mostly horrified—to realize that all my
wildest imaginings were not so far off the mark。 This was why it didn't matter to her that
I was a monster。 It was exactly the same reason that the rules no longer mattered to me。
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Why right and wrong were no longer compelling influences。 Why all my priorities had
shifted one rung down to make room for this girl at the very top。
Bella cared for me； too。
I knew it could be nothing in comparison to how I loved her。 But it was enough
for her to risk her life to sit here with me。 To do so gladly。
Enough to cause her pain if I did the right thing and left her。
Was there anything I could do now that would not hurt her？ Anything at all？
I should have stayed away。 I should never have come back to Forks。 I would
cause her nothing but pain。
Would that stop me from staying now？ From making it worse？
The way I felt right now； feeling her warmth against my skin？
No。 Nothing would stop me。
〃Ah；〃 I groaned to myself。 〃This is wrong。〃
〃What did I say？〃 she asked； quick to take the blame on herself。
〃Don't you see； Bella？ It's one thing for me to make myself miserable； but a
wholly other thing for you to be so involved。 I don't want to hear that you feel that way。〃
It was the truth； it was a lie。 The most selfish part of me was flying with the knowledge
that she wanted me as I wanted her。 〃It's wrong。 It's not safe。 I'm dangerous； Bella—
please； grasp that。〃
〃No。〃 Her lips pouted out petulantly。
〃I'm serious。〃 I was battling with myself so strongly—half desperate for her to
accept； half desperate to keep the warnings from escaping—that the words came through
my teeth as a growl。
〃So am I；〃 she insisted。 〃I told you； it doesn't matter what you are。 It's too late。〃
Too late？ The world was bleakly black and white for one endless second as I
watched the shadows crawl across the sunny lawn toward Bella's sleeping form in my
memory。 Inevitable； unstoppable。 They stole the color from her skin； and plunged her
into darkness。
Too late？ Alice's vision swirled in my head； Bella's blood red eyes staring back
at me impassively。 Expressionless—but there was no way that she could not hate me for
that future。 Hate me for stealing everything from her。 Stealing her life and her soul。
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It could not be too late。
〃Never say that；〃 I hissed。
She stared out her window； and her teeth bit into her lip again。 Her hands were
balled into tight fists in her lap。 Her breathing hitched and broke。
〃What are you thinking？〃 I had to know。
She shook her head without looking at me。 I saw something glisten； like a crystal；
on her cheek。
Agony。 〃Are you crying？〃 I'd made her cry。 I'd hurt her that much。
She scrubbed the tears away with the back of her hand。
〃No；〃 she lied； her voice breaking。
Some long buried instinct had me reaching out toward her—in that one second I
felt more human than I ever had。 And then I remembered that I was？not。 And I
lowered my hand。
〃I'm sorry；〃 I said； my jaw locked。 How could I ever tell her how sorry I was？
Sorry for all the stupid mistakes I'd made。 Sorry for my never…ending selfishness。 Sorry
that she was so unfortunate as to have inspired this first； tragic love of mine。 Sorry also
for the things beyond my control—that I'd been the monster chosen by fate to end her life
in the first place。
I took a deep breath—ignoring my wretched reaction to the flavor in the car—and
tried to collect myself。
I wanted to change the subject； to think of something else。 Lucky for me； my
curiosity about the girl was insatiable。 I always had a question。
〃Tell me something；〃 I said。
〃Yes？〃 she asked huskily； tears still in her voice。
〃What were you thinking tonight； just before I came around the corner？ I
couldn't understand your expression—you didn't look that scared； you looked like you
were concentrating very hard on something。〃 I remembered her face—forcing myself to
forget whose eyes I was looking through—the look of determination there。
〃I was trying to remember how to incapacitate an attacker；〃 she said； her voice
more composed。 〃You know； self defense。 I was going to smash his nose into his brain。〃
Her composure did not last to the end of her explanation。 Her tone twisted until it
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seethed with hate。 This was no hyperbole； and her kittenish fury was not humorous now。
I could see her frail figure—just silk over glass—overshadowed by the meaty； heavy…
fisted human monsters who would have hurt her。 The fury boiled in the back of my head。
〃You were going to fight them？〃 I wanted to groan。 Her instincts were deadly—
to herself。 〃Didn't you think about running？〃
〃I fall down a lot when I run；〃 she said sheepishly。
〃What about screaming for help？〃
〃I was getting to that part。〃
I shook my head in disbelief。 How had she managed to stay alive before she'd
come to Forks？
〃You were right；〃 I told her； a sour edge to my voice。 〃I'm definitely fighting
fate trying to keep you alive。〃
She sighed； and glanced out the window。 Then she looked back at me。
〃Will I see you tomorrow？〃 she demanded abruptly。
As long as I was on my way to hell—I might as well enjoy the journey。
〃Yes—I have a paper due； too。〃 I smiled at her； and it felt good to do this。 〃I'll
save you a seat at lunch。〃
Her heart fluttered； my dead heart suddenly felt warmer。
I stopped the car in front of her father's house。 She made no move to leave me。
〃Do you promise to be there tomorrow？〃 she insisted。
〃I promise。〃
How could doing the wrong thing give me so much happiness？ Surel
