5 midnigh+sun-第31节

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Her　scent　lingered　in　the　car。　　I　kept　the　windows　up；　letting　it　assault　me；　trying　
to　get　used　to　the　feel　of　intentionally　torching　my　throat。　
Attraction。　
It　was　a　problematic　thing　to　contemplate。　　So　many　sides　to　it；　so　many　different　
meanings　and　levels。　　Not　the　same　thing　as　love；　but　tied　up　in　it　inextricably。　
I　had　no　idea　if　Bella　was　attracted　to　me。　　（Would　her　mental　silence　somehow　
continue　to　get　more　and　more　frustrating　until　I　went　mad？　　Or　was　there　a　limit　that　I　
would　eventually　reach？）　
I　tried　to　compare　her　physical　responses　to　others；　like　the　secretary　and　Jessica　
Stanley；　but　the　comparison　was　inconclusive。　　The　same　markers—changes　in　heart　rate　
and　breathing　patterns—could　just　as　easily　mean　fear　or　shock　or　anxiety　as　they　did　
interest。　　It　seemed　unlikely　that　Bella　could　be　entertaining　the　same　kinds　of　thoughts　
that　Jessica　Stanley　used　to　have。　　After　all；　Bella　knew　very　well　that　there　was　
something　wrong　with　me；　even　if　she　didn't　know　what　exactly　it　was。　　She　had　touched　
my　icy　skin；　and　then　yanked　her　hand　away　from　the　chill。　
And　yet？as　I　remembered　those　fantasies　that　used　to　repulse　me；　but　
remembered　them　with　Bella　in　Jessica's　place？　
I　was　breathing　more　quickly；　the　fire　clawing　up　and　down　my　throat。　
What　if　it　had　been　Bella　imagining　me　with　my　arms　wrapped　around　her　fragile　
body？　　Feeling　me　pull　her　tightly　against　my　chest　and　then　cupping　my　hand　under　her　
chin？　　Brushing　the　heavy　curtain　of　her　hair　back　from　her　blushing　face？　　Tracing　the　
shape　of　her　full　lips　with　my　fingertips？　　Leaning　my　face　closer　to　hers；　where　I　could　
feel　the　heat　of　her　breath　on　my　mouth？　　Moving　closer　still？　
But　then　I　flinched　away　from　the　daydream；　knowing；　as　I　had　known　when　
Jessica　had　imagined　these　things；　what　would　happen　if　I　got　that　close　to　her。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
141　

Attraction　was　an　impossible　dilemma；　because　I　was　already　too　attracted　to　
Bella　in　the　worst　way。　
Did　I　want　Bella　to　be　attracted　to　me；　a　woman　to　a　man？　
That　was　the　wrong　question。　　The　right　question　was　should　I　want　Bella　to　be　
attracted　to　me　that　way；　and　that　answer　was　no。　　Because　I　was　not　a　human　man；　and　
that　wasn't　fair　to　her。　
With　every　fiber　of　my　being；　I　ached　to　be　a　normal　man；　so　that　I　could　hold　her　
in　my　arms　without　risking　her　life。　　So　that　I　could　be　free　to　spin　my　own　fantasies；　
fantasies　that　didn't　end　in　with　her　blood　on　my　hands；　her　blood　glowing　in　my　eyes。　
My　pursuit　of　her　was　indefensible。　　What　kind　of　relationship　could　I　offer　her；　
when　I　couldn't　risk　touching　her？　
I　hung　my　head　in　my　hands。　
It　was　all　the　more　confusing　because　I　had　never　felt　so　human　in　my　whole　
life—not　even　when　I　was　human；　as　far　as　I　could　recall。　　When　I　had　been　human；　my　
thoughts　had　all　been　turned　to　a　soldier's　glory。　　The　Great　War　had　raged　through　most　
of　my　adolescence；　and　I'd　been　only　nine　months　away　from　my　eighteenth　birthday　
when　the　influenza　had　struck？　　I　had　just　vague　impressions　of　those　human　years；　
murky　memories　that　faded　more　with　every　passing　decade。　　I　remembered　my　mother　
most　clearly；　and　felt　an　ancient　ache　when　I　thought　of　her　face。　　I　recalled　dimly　how　
much　she　had　hated　the　future　I'd　raced　eagerly　toward；　praying　every　night　when　she　
said　grace　at　dinner　that　the　〃horrid　war〃　would　end？　　I　had　no　memories　of　another　
kind　of　yearning。　　Besides　my　mother's　love；　there　was　no　other　love　that　had　made　me　
wish　to　stay？　
This　was　entirely　new　to　me。　　I　had　no　parallels　to　draw；　no　comparisons　to　make。　
The　love　I　felt　for　Bella　had　come　purely；　but　now　the　waters　were　muddied。　　I　
wanted　very　much　to　be　able　to　touch　her。　　Did　she　feel　the　same　way？　
That　didn't　matter；　I　tried　to　convince　myself。　
I　stared　at　my　white　hands；　hating　their　hardness；　their　coldness；　their　inhuman　
strength？　
I　jumped　when　the　passenger　door　opened。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
142　

Ha。　　Caught　you　by　surprise。　　There's　a　first；　Emmett　thought　as　he　slid　into　the　
seat。　　〃I'll　bet　Mrs。　Goff　thinks　you're　on　drugs；　you've　been　so　erratic　lately。　　Where　
were　you　today？〃　
〃I　was？doing　good　deeds。〃　
Huh？　
I　chuckled。　　〃Caring　for　the　sick；　that　kind　of　thing。〃　
That　confused　him　more；　but　then　he　inhaled　and　caught　the　scent　in　the　car。　
〃Oh。　　The　girl　again？〃　
I　grimaced。　
This　is　getting　weird。　
〃Tell　me　about　it；〃　I　mumbled。　
He　inhaled　again。　　〃Hmm；　she　does　have　a　quite　a　flavor；　doesn't　she？〃　
The　snarl　broke　through　my　lips　before　his　words　had　even　registered　all　the　way；　
an　automatic　response。　
〃Easy；　kid；　I'm　just　sayin。'〃　
The　others　arrived　then。　　Rosalie　noticed　the　scent　at　once　and　glowered　at　me；　
still　not　over　her　irritation。　　I　wondered　what　her　problem　was；　but　all　I　could　hear　from　
her　were　insults。　
I　didn't　like　Jasper's　reaction；　either。　　Like　Emmett；　he　noticed　Bella's　appeal。　
Not　that　the　scent　had；　for　either　of　them；　a　thousandth　portion　of　the　draw　it　had　for　me。　
I　was　still　upset　me　that　her　blood　was　sweet　to　them。　　Jasper　had　poor　control？　
Alice　skipped　to　my　side　of　the　car　and　held　her　hand　out　for　Bella's　truck　key。　
〃I　only　saw　that　I　was；〃　she　said—obscurely；　as　was　her　habit。　　〃You'll　have　to　
tell　me　the　whys。〃　
〃This　doesn't　mean—〃　
〃I　know；　I　know。　　I'll　wait。　　It　won't　be　long。〃　
I　sighed　and　gave　her　the　key。　
I　followed　her　to　Bella's　house。　　The　rain　was　pounding　down　like　a　million　tiny　
hammers；　so　loud　that　maybe　Bella's　human　ears　couldn't　hear　the　thunder　of　the　truck's　
engine。　　I　watched　her　window；　but　she　didn't　come　to　look　out。　　Maybe　she　wasn't　there。　
There　were　no　thoughts　to　hear。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
143　

It　made　me　sad　that　I　couldn't　hear　enough　even　to　check　on　her—to　make　sure　
she　was　happy；　or　safe；　at　the　least。　
Alice　climbed　in　the　back　and　we　sped　home。　　The　roads　were　empty；　and　so　it　
only　took　a　few　minutes。　　We　trooped　into　the　house；　and　then　went　to　our　various　
pastimes。　
Emmett　and　Jasper　were　in　the　middle　of　an　elaborate　game　of　chess；　utilizing　
eight　joined　boards—spread　out　along　the　glass　back　wall—and　their　own　complicated　
set　of　rules。　　They　wouldn't　let　me　play；　only　Alice　would　play　games　with　me　anymore。　
Alice　went　to　her　computer　just　around　the　corner　from　them　and　I　could　hear　her　
monitors　sing　to　life。　　Alice　was　working　on　a　fashion　design　project　for　Rosalie's　
wardrobe；　but　Rosalie　did　not　join　her　today；　to　stand　behind　her　and　direct　cut　and　color　
as　Alice's　hand　traced　over　the　touch　sensitive　screens　（Carlisle　and　I　had　had　to　tweak　
that　system　a　bit；　given　that　most　such　screens　responded　to　temperature）。　　Instead；　today　
Rosalie　sprawled　sullenly　on　the　sofa　and　started　flipping　through　twenty　channels　a　
second　on　the　flat　screen；　never　pausing。　　I　could　hear　her　trying　to　decide　whether　or　not　
to　go　out　to　the　garage　and　tune　her　BMW　again。　
Esme　was　upstairs；　humming　over　a　new　set　of　blue　prints。　
Alice　leaned　her　head　around　the　wall　after　a　moment　and　started　mouthing　
Emmett's　next　moves—Emmett　sat　on　the　floor　with　his　back　to　her—to　Jasper；　who　
kept　his　expression　very　smooth　as　he　cut　off　Emmett's　favorite　knight。　
And　I；　for　the　first　time　in　so　long　that　I　felt　ashamed；　went　to　sit　at　the　exquisite　
grand　piano　stationed　just　off　the　entryway。　
I　ran　my　hand　gently　up　the　scales；　testing　the　pitch。　　The　tuning　was　still　perfect。　
Upstairs；　Esme　paused　what　she　was　doing　and　cocked　her　head　to　the　side。　
I　began　the　first　line　of　the　tune　that　had　suggested　itself　to　me　in　the　car　today；　
pleased　that　it　sounded　even　better　than　I'd　imagined。　
Edward　is　playing　again；　Esme　thought　joyously；　a　smile　breaking　across　her　
face。　　She　got　up　from　her　desk；　and　flitted　silently　to　the　head　of　the　stairs。　
I　added　a　harmonizing　line；　letting　the　central　melody　weave　through　it。　
Esme　sighed　with　contentment；　sat　down　on　the　top　step；　and　leaned　her　head　
against　the　banister。　　A　new　song。　　It's　been　so　long。　　What　a　lovely　tune。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
144　

I　let　the　melody　lead　in　a　new　direction；　following　it　with　the　bass　line。　
Edward　is　composing　again？　Rosalie　thought；　and　her　teeth　clenched　together　in　
fierce　resentment。　
In　that　moment；　she　slipped；　and　I　could　read　all　her　underlying　outrage。　　I　saw　
why　she　was　in　such　a　poor　temper　with　me。　　Why　killing　Isabella　Swan　had　not　bothered　
her　conscience　at　all。　
With　Rosalie；　it　was　always　about　vanity。　
The　music　came　to　an　abrupt　halt；　and　I　laughed　before　I　could　help　myself；　a　
sharp　bark　of　amusement　that　broke　off　quickly　as　I　threw　my　hand　over　my　mouth。　
Rosalie　turned　to　glare　at　me；　her　eyes　sparking　with　chagrined　fury。　
Emmett　and　Jasper　turned　to　stare；　too；　and　I　heard　Esme's　confusion。　　Esme　was　
downstairs　in　a　flash；　pausing　to　glance　between　Rosalie　and　me。　
〃Don't　stop；　Edward；〃　Esme　encouraged　after　a　strained　moment。　
I　started　playing　again；　turning　my　back　on　Rosalie　while　trying　very　hard　to　
control　the　grin　stretching　across　my　face。　　She　got　to　her　feet　and　stalked　out　of　the　
room；　more　angry　than　embarrassed。　　But　certainly　quite　embarrassed。　
If　you　sa