5 midnigh+sun-第22节

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〃So；〃　he　said　to　the　girl；　his　eyes　on　the　floor。　　〃Jessica　asked　me　to　the　spring　
dance。〃　
〃That's　great；〃　Bella　answered　immediately　and　with　enthusiasm。　　It　was　hard　not　
to　smile　as　her　tone　sunk　in　to　Mike's　awareness。　　He'd　been　hoping　for　dismay。　　〃You'll　
have　a　lot　of　fun　with　Jessica。〃　
He　scrambled　for　the　right　response。　　〃Well？〃　he　hesitated；　and　almost　
chickened　out。　　Then　he　rallied。　　〃I　told　her　I　had　to　think　about　it。〃　
〃Why　would　you　do　that？〃　she　demanded。　　Her　tone　was　one　of　disapproval；　but　
there　was　the　faintest　hint　of　relief　there　as　well。　
What　did　that　mean？　　An　unexpected；　intense　fury　made　my　hands　clench　into　
fists。　
Mike　did　not　hear　the　relief。　　His　face　was　red　with　blood—fierce　as　I　suddenly　
felt；　this　seemed　like　an　invitation—and　he　looked　at　the　floor　again　as　he　spoke。　
〃I　was　wondering　if？well；　if　you　might　be　planning　to　ask　me。〃　
Bella　hesitated。　
In　that　moment　of　her　hesitation；　I　saw　the　future　more　clearly　than　Alice　ever　
had。　
The　girl　might　say　yes　to　Mike's　unspoken　question　now；　and　she　might　not；　but　
either　way；　someday　soon；　she　would　say　yes　to　someone。　　She　was　lovely　and　intriguing；　
and　human　males　were　not　oblivious　to　this　fact。　　Whether　she　would　settle　for　someone　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
96　

in　this　lackluster　crowd；　or　wait　until　she　was　free　from　Forks；　the　day　would　come　that　
she　would　say　yes。　
I　saw　her　life　as　I　had　before—college；　career？love；　marriage。　　I　saw　her　on　her　
father's　arm　again；　dressed　in　gauzy　white；　her　face　flushed　with　happiness　as　she　moved　
to　the　sound　of　Wagner's　march。　
The　pain　was　more　than　anything　I'd　felt　before。　　A　human　would　have　to　be　on　
the　point　of　death　to　feel　this　pain—a　human　would　not　live　through　it。　
And　not　just　pain；　but　outright　rage。　
The　fury　ached　for　some　kind　of　physical　outlet。　　Though　this　insignificant；　
undeserving　boy　might　not　be　the　one　that　Bella　would　say　yes　to；　I　yearned　to　crush　his　
skull　in　my　hand；　to　let　him　stand　as　a　representative　for　whoever　it　would　be。　
I　didn't　understand　this　emotion—it　was　such　a　tangle　of　pain　and　rage　and　desire　
and　despair。　　I　had　never　felt　it　before；　I　couldn't　put　a　name　to　it。　
〃Mike；　I　think　you　should　tell　her　yes；〃　Bella　said　in　a　gentle　voice。　
Mike's　hopes　plummeted。　　I　would　have　enjoyed　that　under　other　circumstances；　
but　I　was　lost　in　the　aftershock　of　the　pain—and　the　remorse　for　what　the　pain　and　rage　
had　done　to　me。　
Alice　was　right。　　I　was　not　strong　enough。　
Right　now；　Alice　would　be　watching　the　future　spin　and　twist；　become　mangled　
again。　　Would　this　please　her？　
〃Did　you　already　ask　someone？〃　Mike　asked　sullenly。　　He　glanced　at　me；　
suspicious　for　the　first　time　in　many　weeks。　　I　realized　I　had　betrayed　my　interest；　my　
head　was　inclined　in　Bella's　direction。　
The　wild　envy　in　his　thoughts—envy　for　whoever　this　girl　preferred　to　him—　
suddenly　put　a　name　to　my　unnamed　emotion。　
I　was　jealous。　
〃No；〃　the　girl　said　with　a　trace　of　humor　in　her　voice。　　〃I'm　not　going　to　the　dance　
at　all。〃　
Through　all　the　remorse　and　anger；　I　felt　relief　at　her　words。　　Suddenly；　I　was　
considering　my　rivals。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
97　

〃Why　not？〃　Mike　asked；　his　tone　almost　rude。　　It　offended　me　that　he　used　this　
tone　with　her。　　I　bit　back　a　growl。　
〃I'm　going　to　Seattle　that　Saturday；〃　she　answered。　
The　curiosity　was　not　as　vicious　as　it　would　have　been　before—now　that　I　was　
fully　intending　to　find　out　the　answers　to　everything。　　I　would　know　the　wheres　and　whys　
of　this　new　revelation　soon　enough。　
Mike's　tone　turned　unpleasantly　wheedling。　　〃Can't　you　go　some　other　
weekend？〃　
〃Sorry；　no。〃　　Bella　was　brusquer　now。　　〃So　you　shouldn't　make　Jess　wait　any　
longer—it's　rude。〃　
Her　concern　for　Jessica's　feelings　fanned　the　flames　of　my　jealousy。　　This　Seattle　
trip　was　clearly　an　excuse　to　say　no—did　she　refuse　purely　out　of　loyalty　to　her　friend？　
She　was　more　than　selfless　enough　for　that。　　Did　she　actually　wish　she　could　say　yes？　　Or　
were　both　guesses　wrong？　Was　she　interested　in　someone　else？　
〃Yeah；　you're　right；〃　Mike　mumbled；　so　demoralized　that　I　almost　felt　pity　for　
him。　　Almost。　
He　dropped　his　eyes　from　the　girl；　cutting　off　my　view　of　her　face　in　his　thoughts。　
I　wasn't　going　to　tolerate　that。　
I　turned　to　read　her　face　myself；　for　the　first　time　in　more　than　a　month。　　It　was　a　
sharp　relief　to　allow　myself　this；　like　a　gasp　of　air　to　long…submerged　human　lungs。　
Her　eyes　were　closed；　and　her　hands　pressed　against　the　sides　of　her　face。　　Her　
shoulders　curved　inward　defensively。　　She　shook　her　head　ever　so　slightly；　as　if　she　were　
trying　to　push　some　thought　from　her　mind。　
Frustrating。　　Fascinating。　
Mr。　Banner's　voice　pulled　her　from　her　reverie；　and　her　eyes　slowly　opened。　　She　
looked　at　me　immediately；　perhaps　sensing　my　gaze。　　She　stared　up　into　my　eyes　with　the　
same　bewildered　expression　that　had　haunted　me　for　so　long。　
I　didn't　feel　the　remorse　or　the　guilt　or　the　rage　in　that　second。　　I　knew　they　would　
come　again；　and　come　soon；　but　for　this　one　moment　I　rode　a　strange；　jittery　high。　　As　if　I　
had　triumphed；　rather　than　lost。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
98　

She　didn't　look　away；　though　I　stared　with　inappropriate　intensity；　trying　vainly　to　
read　her　thoughts　through　her　liquid　brown　eyes。　　They　were　full　of　questions；　rather　than　
answers。　
I　could　see　the　reflection　of　my　own　eyes；　and　I　saw　that　they　were　black　with　
thirst。　　It　had　been　nearly　two　weeks　since　my　last　hunting　trip；　this　was　not　the　safest　day　
for　my　will　to　crumble。　　But　the　blackness　did　not　seem　to　frighten　her。　　She　still　did　not　
look　away；　and　a　soft；　devastatingly　appealing　pink　began　to　color　her　skin。　
What　was　she　thinking　now？　
I　almost　asked　the　question　aloud；　but　at　that　moment　Mr。　Banner　called　my　
name。　　I　picked　the　correct　answer　out　of　his　head　while　I　glanced　briefly　in　his　direction。　
I　sucked　in　a　quick　breath。　　〃The　Krebs　Cycle。〃　
Thirst　scorched　down　my　throat—tightening　my　muscles　and　filling　my　mouth　
with　venom—and　I　closed　my　eyes；　trying　to　concentrate　through　the　desire　for　her　blood　
that　raged　inside　me。　
The　monster　was　stronger　than　before。　　The　monster　was　rejoicing。　　He　embraced　
this　dual　future　that　gave　him　an　even；　fifty…fifty　chance　at　what　he　craved　so　viciously。　
The　third；　shaky　future　I'd　tried　to　construct　through　willpower　alone　had　crumbled—　
destroyed　by　common　jealously；　of　all　things—and　he　was　so　much　closer　to　his　goal。　
The　remorse　and　the　guilt　burned　with　the　thirst；　and；　if　I'd　had　the　ability　to　
produce　tears；　they　would　have　filled　my　eyes　now。　
What　had　I　done？　
Knowing　the　battle　was　already　lost；　there　seemed　to　be　no　reason　to　resist　what　I　
wanted；　I　turned　to　stare　at　the　girl　again。　
She　had　hidden　in　her　hair；　but　I　could　see　through　a　parting　in　the　tresses　that　her　
cheek　was　deep　crimson　now。　
The　monster　liked　that。　
She　did　not　meet　my　gaze　again；　but　she　twisted　a　strand　of　her　dark　hair　
nervously　between　her　fingers。　　Her　delicate　fingers；　her　fragile　wrist—they　were　so　
breakable；　looking　for　all　the　world　like　just　my　breath　could　snap　them。　
No；　no；　no。　　I　could　not　do　this。　　She　was　too　breakable；　too　good；　too　precious　to　
deserve　this　fate。　　I　couldn't　allow　my　life　to　collide　with　hers；　to　destroy　it。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
99　

But　I　couldn't　stay　away　from　her　either。　　Alice　was　right　about　that。　
The　monster　inside　me　hissed　with　frustration　as　I　wavered；　leaning　first　one　way；　
then　the　other。　
My　brief　hour　with　her　passed　all　too　quickly；　as　I　vacillated　between　the　rock　and　
the　hard　place。　　The　bell　rang；　and　she　started　collecting　her　things　without　looking　at　me。　
This　disappointed　me；　but　I　could　hardly　expect　otherwise。　　The　way　I　had　treated　her　
since　the　accident　was　inexcusable。　
〃Bella？〃　I　said；　unable　to　stop　myself。　　My　willpower　already　lay　in　shreds。　
She　hesitated　before　looking　at　me；　when　she　turned；　her　expression　was　guarded；　
distrustful。　
I　reminded　myself　that　she　had　every　right　to　distrust　me。　　That　she　should。　
She　waited　for　me　to　continue；　but　I　just　stared　at　her；　reading　her　face。　　I　pulled　
in　shallow　mouthfuls　of　air　at　regular　intervals；　fighting　my　thirst。　
〃What？〃　she　finally　said。　　〃Are　you　speaking　to　me　again？〃　　There　was　an　edge　of　
resentment　to　her　tone　that　was；　like　her　anger；　endearing。　　It　made　me　want　to　smile。　
I　wasn't　sure　how　to　answer　her　question。　　Was　I　speaking　to　her　again；　in　the　
sense　that　she　meant？　
No。　　Not　if　I　could　help　it。　　I　would　try　to　help　it。　
〃No；　not　really；〃　I　told　her。　
She　closed　her　eyes；　which　frustrated　me。　　It　cut　off　my　best　avenue　of　access　to　
her　feelings。　　She　took　a　long；　slow　breath　without　opening　her　eyes。　　Her　jaw　was　
locked。　
Eyes　still　closed；　she　spoke。　　Surely　this　was　not　a　normal　human　way　to　
converse。　　Why　did　she　do　it？　
〃Then　what　do　you　want；　Edward？〃　
The　sound　of　my　name　on　her　lips　did　strange　things　to　my　body。　　If　I'd　had　a　
heartbeat；　it　would　have　quickened。　
But　how　to　answer　her？　
With　the　truth；　I　decided。　　I　would　be　as　truthful　as　I　could　with　her　from　now　on。　
I　didn't　want　to　deserve　her　di