the lifted veil-第8节

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brought　me　more　completely　under　her　power：　　no　matter　how　empty
the　adytum；　so　that　the　veil　be　thick　enough。　　So　absolute　is　our
soul's　need　of　something　hidden　and　uncertain　for　the　maintenance
of　that　doubt　and　hope　and　effort　which　are　the　breath　of　its　life；
that　if　the　whole　future　were　laid　bare　to　us　beyond　to…day；　the
interest　of　all　mankind　would　be　bent　on　the　hours　that　lie
between；　we　should　pant　after　the　uncertainties　of　our　one　morning
and　our　one　afternoon；　we　should　rush　fiercely　to　the　Exchange　for
our　last　possibility　of　speculation；　of　success；　of　disappointment：
we　should　have　a　glut　of　political　prophets　foretelling　a　crisis　or
a　no…crisis　within　the　only　twenty…four　hours　left　open　to
prophecy。　　Conceive　the　condition　of　the　human　mind　if　all
propositions　whatsoever　were　self…evident　except　one；　which　was　to
become　self…evident　at　the　close　of　a　summer's　day；　but　in　the
meantime　might　be　the　subject　of　question；　of　hypothesis；　of
debate。　　Art　and　philosophy；　literature　and　science；　would　fasten
like　bees　on　that　one　proposition　which　had　the　honey　of
probability　in　it；　and　be　the　more　eager　because　their　enjoyment
would　end　with　sunset。　　Our　impulses；　our　spiritual　activities；　no
more　adjust　themselves　to　the　idea　of　their　future　nullity；　than
the　beating　of　our　heart；　or　the　irritability　of　our　muscles。

Bertha；　the　slim；　fair…haired　girl；　whose　present　thoughts　and
emotions　were　an　enigma　to　me　amidst　the　fatiguing　obviousness　of
the　other　minds　around　me；　was　as　absorbing　to　me　as　a　single
unknown　to…dayas　a　single　hypothetic　proposition　to　remain
problematic　till　sunset；　and　all　the　cramped；　hemmed…in　belief　and
disbelief；　trust　and　distrust；　of　my　nature；　welled　out　in　this　one
narrow　channel。

And　she　made　me　believe　that　she　loved　me。　　Without　ever　quitting
her　tone　of　BADINAGE　and　playful　superiority；　she　intoxicated　me
with　the　sense　that　I　was　necessary　to　her；　that　she　was　never　at
ease；　unless　I　was　near　her；　submitting　to　her　playful　tyranny。　　It
costs　a　woman　so　little　effort　to　beset　us　in　this　way！　　A　half…
repressed　word；　a　moment's　unexpected　silence；　even　an　easy　fit　of
petulance　on　our　account；　will　serve　us　as　hashish　for　a　long
while。　　Out　of　the　subtlest　web　of　scarcely　perceptible　signs；　she
set　me　weaving　the　fancy　that　she　had　always　unconsciously　loved　me
better　than　Alfred；　but　that；　with　the　ignorant　fluttered
sensibility　of　a　young　girl；　she　had　been　imposed　on　by　the　charm
that　lay　for　her　in　the　distinction　of　being　admired　and　chosen　by
a　man　who　made　so　brilliant　a　figure　in　the　world　as　my　brother。
She　satirized　herself　in　a　very　graceful　way　for　her　vanity　and
ambition。　　What　was　it　to　me　that　I　had　the　light　of　my　wretched
provision　on　the　fact　that　now　it　was　I　who　possessed　at　least　all
but　the　personal　part　of　my　brother's　advantages？　　Our　sweet
illusions　are　half　of　them　conscious　illusions；　like　effects　of
colour　that　we　know　to　be　made　up　of　tinsel；　broken　glass；　and
rags。

We　were　married　eighteen　months　after　Alfred's　death；　one　cold；
clear　morning　in　April；　when　there　came　hail　and　sunshine　both
together；　and　Bertha；　in　her　white　silk　and　pale…green　leaves；　and
the　pale　hues　of　her　hair　and　face；　looked　like　the　spirit　of　the
morning。　　My　father　was　happier　than　he　had　thought　of　being　again：
my　marriage；　he　felt　sure；　would　complete　the　desirable
modification　of　my　character；　and　make　me　practical　and　worldly
enough　to　take　my　place　in　society　among　sane　men。　　For　he
delighted　in　Bertha's　tact　and　acuteness；　and　felt　sure　she　would
be　mistress　of　me；　and　make　me　what　she　chose：　　I　was　only　twenty…
one；　and　madly　in　love　with　her。　　Poor　father！　　He　kept　that　hope　a
little　while　after　our　first　year　of　marriage；　and　it　was　not　quite
extinct　when　paralysis　came　and　saved　him　from　utter
disappointment。

I　shall　hurry　through　the　rest　of　my　story；　not　dwelling　so　much　as
I　have　hitherto　done　on　my　inward　experience。　　When　people　are　well
known　to　each　other；　they　talk　rather　of　what　befalls　them
externally；　leaving　their　feelings　and　sentiments　to　be　inferred。

We　lived　in　a　round　of　visits　for　some　time　after　our　return　home；
giving　splendid　dinner…parties；　and　making　a　sensation　in　our
neighbourhood　by　the　new　lustre　of　our　equipage；　for　my　father　had
reserved　this　display　of　his　increased　wealth　for　the　period　of　his
son's　marriage；　and　we　gave　our　acquaintances　liberal　opportunity
for　remarking　that　it　was　a　pity　I　made　so　poor　a　figure　as　an　heir
and　a　bridegroom。　　The　nervous　fatigue　of　this　existence；　the
insincerities　and　platitudes　which　I　had　to　live　through　twice
overthrough　my　inner　and　outward　sensewould　have　been　maddening
to　me；　if　I　had　not　had　that　sort　of　intoxicated　callousness　which
came　from　the　delights　of　a　first　passion。　　A　bride　and　bridegroom；
surrounded　by　all　the　appliances　of　wealth；　hurried　through　the　day
by　the　whirl　of　society；　filling　their　solitary　moments　with
hastily…snatched　caresses；　are　prepared　for　their　future　life
together　as　the　novice　is　prepared　for　the　cloisterby
experiencing　its　utmost　contrast。

Through　all　these　crowded　excited　months；　Bertha's　inward　self
remained　shrouded　from　me；　and　I　still　read　her　thoughts　only
through　the　language　of　her　lips　and　demeanour：　　I　had　still　the
human　interest　of　wondering　whether　what　I　did　and　said　pleased
her；　of　longing　to　hear　a　word　of　affection；　of　giving　a　delicious
exaggeration　of　meaning　to　her　smile。　　But　I　was　conscious　of　a
growing　difference　in　her　manner　towards　me；　sometimes　strong
enough　to　be　called　haughty　coldness；　cutting　and　chilling　me　as
the　hail　had　done　that　came　across　the　sunshine　on　our　marriage
morning；　sometimes　only　perceptible　in　the　dexterous　avoidance　of　a
tete…a…tete　walk　or　dinner　to　which　I　had　been　looking　forward。　　I
had　been　deeply　pained　by　thishad　even　felt　a　sort　of　crushing　of
the　heart；　from　the　sense　that　my　brief　day　of　happiness　was　near
its　setting；　but　still　I　remained　dependent　on　Bertha；　eager　for
the　last　rays　of　a　bliss　that　would　soon　be　gone　for　ever；　hoping
and　watching　for　some　after…glow　more　beautiful　from　the　impending
night。

I　rememberhow　should　I　not　remember？the　time　when　that
dependence　and　hope　utterly　left　me；　when　the　sadness　I　had　felt　in
Bertha's　growing　estrangement　became　a　joy　that　I　looked　back　upon
with　longing　as　a　man　might　look　back　on　the　last　pains　in　a
paralysed　limb。　　It　was　just　after　the　close　of　my　father's　last
illness；　which　had　necessarily　withdrawn　us　from　society　and　thrown
us　more　on　each　other。　　It　was　the　evening　of　father's　death。　　On
that　evening　the　veil　which　had　shrouded　Bertha's　soul　from　mehad
made　me　find　in　her　alone　among　my　fellow…beings　the　blessed
possibility　of　mystery；　and　doubt；　and　expectationwas　first
withdrawn。　　Perhaps　it　was　the　first　day　since　the　beginning　of　my
passion　for　her；　in　which　that　passion　was　completely　neutralized
by　the　presence　of　an　absorbing　feeling　of　another　kind。　　I　had
been　watching　by　my　father's　deathbed：　　I　had　been　witnessing　the
last　fitful　yearning　glance　his　soul　had　cast　back　on　the　spent
inheritance　of　lifethe　last　faint　consciousness　of　love　he　had
gathered　from　the　pressure　of　my　hand。　　What　are　all　our　personal
loves　when　we　have　been　sharing　in　that　supreme　agony？　　In　the
first　moments　when　we　come　away　from　the　presence　of　death；　every
other　relation　to　the　living　is　merged；　to　our　feeling；　in　the
great　relation　of　a　common　nature　and　a　common　destiny。

In　that　state　of　mind　I　joined　Bertha　in　her　private　sitting…room。
She　was　seated　in　a　leaning　posture　on　a　settee；　with　her　back
towards　the　door；　the　great　rich　coils　of　her　pale　blond　hair
surmounting　her　small　neck；　visible　above　the　back　of　the　settee。
I　remember；　as　I　closed　the　door　behind　me；　a　cold　tremulousness
seizing　me；　and　a　vague　sense　of　being　hated　and　lonelyvague　and
strong；　like　a　presentiment。　　I　know　how　I　looked　at　that　moment；
for　I　saw　myself　in　Bertha's　thought　as　she　lifted　her　cutting　grey
eyes；　and　looked　at　me：　　a　miserable　ghost…seer；　surrounded　by
phantoms　in　the　noonday；　trembling　under　a　breeze　when　the　leaves
were　still；　without　appetite　for　the　common　objects　of　human
desires；　but　pining　after　the　moon…beams。　　We　were　front　to　front
with　each　other；　and　judged　each　other。　　The　terrible　moment　of
complete　illumination　had　come　to　me；　and　I　saw　that　the　darkness
had　hidden　no　landscape　from　me；　but　only　a　blank　prosaic　wall：
from　that　evening　forth；　through　the　sickening　years　which
followed；　I　saw　all　round　the　narrow　room　of　this　woman's　soulsaw
petty　artifice　and　mere　negation　where　I　had　delighted　to　believe
in　coy　sensibilities　and　in　wit　at　war　with　latent　feelingsaw　the
light　floating　vanities　of　the　girl　defining　themselves　into　the
systematic　coquetry；　the　scheming　selfishness；　of　the　womansaw
repulsion　and　antipathy　harden　into　cruel　hatred；　giving　pain　only
for　the　sake　of　wreaking　itself。

For　Bertha　too；　after　her　kind；　felt　the　bitterness　of　disillusion。
She　had　believed　that　my　wild　poet's　passion　for　her　would　make　me
her　slave；　and　that；　being　her　slave；　I　should　execute　her　will　in
all　t