the lifted veil-第4节

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rest；　when　the　souls　of　my　companions　were　once　more　shut　out　from
me；　and　I　felt　a　relief　such　as　silence　brings　to　wearied　nerves。
I　might　have　believed　this　importunate　insight　to　be　merely　a
diseased　activity　of　the　imagination；　but　that　my　prevision　of
incalculable　words　and　actions　proved　it　to　have　a　fixed　relation
to　the　mental　process　in　other　minds。　　But　this　superadded
consciousness；　wearying　and　annoying　enough　when　it　urged　on　me　the
trivial　experience　of　indifferent　people；　became　an　intense　pain
and　grief　when　it　seemed　to　be　opening　to　me　the　souls　of　those　who
were　in　a　close　relation　to　mewhen　the　rational　talk；　the
graceful　attentions；　the　wittily…turned　phrases；　and　the　kindly
deeds；　which　used　to　make　the　web　of　their　characters；　were　seen　as
if　thrust　asunder　by　a　microscopic　vision；　that　showed　all　the
intermediate　frivolities；　all　the　suppressed　egoism；　all　the
struggling　chaos　of　puerilities；　meanness；　vague　capricious
memories；　and　indolent　make…shift　thoughts；　from　which　human　words
and　deeds　emerge　like　leaflets　covering　a　fermenting　heap。

At　Basle　we　were　joined　by　my　brother　Alfred；　now　a　handsome；　self…
confident　man　of　six…and…twentya　thorough　contrast　to　my　fragile；
nervous；　ineffectual　self。　　I　believe　I　was　held　to　have　a　sort　of
half…womanish；　half…ghostly　beauty；　for　the　portrait…painters；　who
are　thick　as　weeds　at　Geneva；　had　often　asked　me　to　sit　to　them；
and　I　had　been　the　model　of　a　dying　minstrel　in　a　fancy　picture。
But　I　thoroughly　disliked　my　own　physique　and　nothing　but　the
belief　that　it　was　a　condition　of　poetic　genius　would　have
reconciled　me　to　it。　　That　brief　hope　was　quite　fled；　and　I　saw　in
my　face　now　nothing　but　the　stamp　of　a　morbid　organization；　framed
for　passive　sufferingtoo　feeble　for　the　sublime　resistance　of
poetic　production。　　Alfred；　from　whom　I　had　been　almost　constantly
separated；　and　who；　in　his　present　stage　of　character　and
appearance；　came　before　me　as　a　perfect　stranger；　was　bent　on　being
extremely　friendly　and　brother…like　to　me。　　He　had　the　superficial
kindness　of　a　good…humoured；　self…satisfied　nature；　that　fears　no
rivalry；　and　has　encountered　no　contrarieties。　　I　am　not　sure　that
my　disposition　was　good　enough　for　me　to　have　been　quite　free　from
envy　towards　him；　even　if　our　desires　had　not　clashed；　and　if　I　had
been　in　the　healthy　human　condition　which　admits　of　generous
confidence　and　charitable　construction。　　There　must　always　have
been　an　antipathy　between　our　natures。　　As　it　was；　he　became　in　a
few　weeks　an　object　of　intense　hatred　to　me；　and　when　he　entered
the　room；　still　more　when　he　spoke；　it　was　as　if　a　sensation　of
grating　metal　had　set　my　teeth　on　edge。　　My　diseased　consciousness
was　more　intensely　and　continually　occupied　with　his　thoughts　and
emotions；　than　with　those　of　any　other　person　who　came　in　my　way。
I　was　perpetually　exasperated　with　the　petty　promptings　of　his
conceit　and　his　love　of　patronage；　with　his　self…complacent　belief
in　Bertha　Grant's　passion　for　him；　with　his　half…pitying　contempt
for　meseen　not　in　the　ordinary　indications　of　intonation　and
phrase　and　slight　action；　which　an　acute　and　suspicious　mind　is　on
the　watch　for；　but　in　all　their　naked　skinless　complication。

For　we　were　rivals；　and　our　desires　clashed；　though　he　was　not
aware　of　it。　　I　have　said　nothing　yet　of　the　effect　Bertha　Grant
produced　in　me　on　a　nearer　acquaintance。　　That　effect　was　chiefly
determined　by　the　fact　that　she　made　the　only　exception；　among　all
the　human　beings　about　me；　to　my　unhappy　gift　of　insight。　　About
Bertha　I　was　always　in　a　state　of　uncertainty：　　I　could　watch　the
expression　of　her　face；　and　speculate　on　its　meaning；　I　could　ask
for　her　opinion　with　the　real　interest　of　ignorance；　I　could　listen
for　her　words　and　watch　for　her　smile　with　hope　and　fear：　　she　had
for　me　the　fascination　of　an　unravelled　destiny。　　I　say　it　was　this
fact　that　chiefly　determined　the　strong　effect　she　produced　on　me：
for；　in　the　abstract；　no　womanly　character　could　seem　to　have　less
affinity　for　that　of　a　shrinking；　romantic；　passionate　youth　than
Bertha's。　　She　was　keen；　sarcastic；　unimaginative；　prematurely
cynical；　remaining　critical　and　unmoved　in　the　most　impressive
scenes；　inclined　to　dissect　all　my　favourite　poems；　and　especially
contemptous　towards　the　German　lyrics　which　were　my　pet　literature
at　that　time。　　To　this　moment　I　am　unable　to　define　my　feeling
towards　her：　　it　was　not　ordinary　boyish　admiration；　for　she　was
the　very　opposite；　even　to　the　colour　of　her　hair；　of　the　ideal
woman　who　still　remained　to　me　the　type　of　loveliness；　and　she　was
without　that　enthusiasm　for　the　great　and　good；　which；　even　at　the
moment　of　her　strongest　dominion　over　me；　I　should　have　declared　to
be　the　highest　element　of　character。　　But　there　is　no　tyranny　more
complete　than　that　which　a　self…centred　negative　nature　exercises
over　a　morbidly　sensitive　nature　perpetually　craving　sympathy　and
support。　　The　most　independent　people　feel　the　effect　of　a　man's
silence　in　heightening　their　value　for　his　opinionfeel　an
additional　triumph　in　conquering　the　reverence　of　a　critic
habitually　captious　and　satirical：　　no　wonder；　then；　that　an
enthusiastic　self…distrusting　youth　should　watch　and　wait　before
the　closed　secret　of　a　sarcastic　woman's　face；　as　if　it　were　the
shrine　of　the　doubtfully　benignant　deity　who　ruled　his　destiny。
For　a　young　enthusiast　is　unable　to　imagine　the　total　negation　in
another　mind　of　the　emotions　which　are　stirring　his　own：　　they　may
be　feeble；　latent；　inactive；　he　thinks；　but　they　are　therethey
may　be　called　forth；　sometimes；　in　moments　of　happy　hallucination；
he　believes　they　may　be　there　in　all　the　greater　strength　because
he　sees　no　outward　sign　of　them。　　And　this　effect；　as　I　have
intimated；　was　heightened　to　its　utmost　intensity　in　me；　because
Bertha　was　the　only　being　who　remained　for　me　in　the　mysterious
seclusion　of　soul　that　renders　such　youthful　delusion　possible。
Doubtless　there　was　another　sort　of　fascination　at　workthat
subtle　physical　attraction　which　delights　in　cheating　our
psychological　predictions；　and　in　compelling　the　men　who　paint
sylphs；　to　fall　in　love　with　some　bonne　et　brave　femme；　heavy…
heeled　and　freckled。

Bertha's　behaviour　towards　me　was　such　as　to　encourage　all　my
illusions；　to　heighten　my　boyish　passion；　and　make　me　more　and　more
dependent　on　her　smiles。　　Looking　back　with　my　present　wretched
knowledge；　I　conclude　that　her　vanity　and　love　of　power　were
intensely　gratified　by　the　belief　that　I　had　fainted　on　first
seeing　her　purely　from　the　strong　impression　her　person　had
produced　on　me。　　The　most　prosaic　woman　likes　to　believe　herself
the　object　of　a　violent；　a　poetic　passion；　and　without　a　grain　of
romance　in　her；　Bertha　had　that　spirit　of　intrigue　which　gave
piquancy　to　the　idea　that　the　brother　of　the　man　she　meant　to　marry
was　dying　with　love　and　jealousy　for　her　sake。　　That　she　meant　to
marry　my　brother；　was　what　at　that　time　I　did　not　believe；　for
though　he　was　assiduous　in　his　attentions　to　her；　and　I　knew　well
enough　that　both　he　and　my　father　had　made　up　their　minds　to　this
result；　there　was　not　yet　an　understood　engagementthere　had　been
no　explicit　declaration；　and　Bertha　habitually；　while　she　flirted
with　my　brother；　and　accepted　his　homage　in　a　way　that　implied　to
him　a　thorough　recognition　of　its　intention；　made　me　believe；　by
the　subtlest　looks　and　phrasesfeminine　nothings　which　could　never
be　quoted　against　herthat　he　was　really　the　object　of　her　secret
ridicule；　that　she　thought　him；　as　I　did；　a　coxcomb；　whom　she　would
have　pleasure　in　disappointing。　　Me　she　openly　petted　in　my
brother's　presence；　as　if　I　were　too　young　and　sickly　ever　to　be
thought　of　as　a　lover；　and　that　was　the　view　he　took　of　me。　　But　I
believe　she　must　inwardly　have　delighted　in　the　tremors　into　which
she　threw　me　by　the　coaxing　way　in　which　she　patted　my　curls；　while
she　laughed　at　my　quotations。　　Such　caresses　were　always　given　in
the　presence　of　our　friends；　for　when　we　were　alone　together；　she
affected　a　much　greater　distance　towards　me；　and　now　and　then　took
the　opportunity；　by　words　or　slight　actions；　to　stimulate　my
foolish　timid　hope　that　she　really　preferred　me。　　And　why　should
she　not　follow　her　inclination？　　I　was　not　in　so　advantageous　a
position　as　my　brother；　but　I　had　fortune；　I　was　not　a　year　younger
than　she　was；　and　she　was　an　heiress；　who　would　soon　be　of　age　to
decide　for　herself。

The　fluctuations　of　hope　and　fear；　confined　to　this　one　channel；
made　each　day　in　her　presence　a　delicious　torment。　　There　was　one
deliberate　act　of　hers　which　especially　helped　to　intoxicate　me。
When　we　were　at　Vienna　her　twentieth　birthday　occurred；　and　as　she
was　very　fond　of　ornaments；　we　all　took　the　opportunity　of　the
splendid　jewellers'　shops　in　that　Teutonic　Paris　to　purchase　her　a
birthday　present　of　jewellery。　　Mine；　naturally；　was　the　least
expensive；　it　was　an　opal　ringthe　opal　was　my　favourite　stone；
because　it　seems　to　blush　and　turn　pale　as　if　it　had　a　soul。　　I
told　Bertha　so　when　I　gave　it　her；　and　said　that　it　was　an　emblem
of　the　poetic　nature；　changing　with　the　changing　light　of