idle thoughts of an idle fellow-第19节

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tation　behind　you；　and　you　say　〃Thank　you〃　and　go　away　with　a　splitting　headache；　but　without　the　faintest　notion　of　your　way；　the　only　clear　idea　you　have　on　the　subject　being　that　somewhere　or　other　there　is　a　stile　which　has　to　be　got　over；　and　at　the　next　turn　you　come　upon　four　stiles；　all　leading　in　different　directions！

We　had　undergone　this　ordeal　two　or　three　times。　　We　had　tramped　over　fields。　　We　had　waded　through　brooks　and　scrambled　over　hedges　and　walls。　　We　had　had　a　row　as　to　whose　fault　it　was　that　we　had　first　lost　our　way。　　We　had　got　thoroughly　disagreeable；　footsore；　and　weary。　　But　throughout　it　all　the　hope　of　that　duck　kept　us　up。　　A　fairy…like　vision；　it　floated　before　our　tired　eyes　and　drew　us　onward。　　The　thought　of　it　was　as　a　trumpet…call　to　the　fainting。　　We　talked　of　it　and　cheered　each　other　with　our　recollections　of　it。　〃Come　along；〃　we　said；　〃the　duck　will　be　spoiled。〃

We　felt　a　strong　temptation；　at　one　point；　to　turn　into　a　village　inn　as　we　passed　and　have　a　cheese　and　a　few　loaves　between　us；　but　we　heroically　restrained　ourselves：　　we　should　enjoy　the　duck　all　the　better　for　being　famished。

We　fancied　we　smelled　it　when　we　go　into　the　town　and　did　the　last　quarter　of　a　mile　in　three　minutes。　　We　rushed　upstairs；　and　washed　ourselves；　and　changed　our　clothes；　and　came　down；　and　pulled　our　chairs　up　to　the　table；　and　sat　and　rubbed　our　hands　while　the　landlady　removed　the　covers；　when　I　seized　the　knife　and　fork　and　started　to　carve。

It　seemed　to　want　a　lot　of　carving。　　I　struggled　with　it　for　about　five　minutes　without　making　the　slightest　impression；　and　then　Joe；　who　had　been　eating　potatoes；　wanted　to　know　if　it　wouldn't　be　better　for　some　one　to　do　the　job　that　understood　carving。　　I　took　no　notice　of　his　foolish　remark；　but　attacked　the　bird　again；　and　so　vigorously　this　time　that　the　animal　left　the　dish　and　took　refuge　in　the　fender。

We　soon　had　it　out　of　that；　though；　and　I　was　prepared　to　make　another　effort。　　But　Joe　was　getting　unpleasant。　　He　said　that　if　he　had　thought　we　were　to　have　a　game　of　blind　hockey　with　the　dinner　he　would　have　got　a　bit　of　bread　and　cheese　outside。

I　was　too　exhausted　to　argue。　　I　laid　down　the　knife　and　fork　with　dignity　and　took　a　side　seat　and　Joe　went　for　the　wretched　creature。　He　worked　away　in　silence　for　awhile；　and　then　he　muttered　〃Damn　the　duck〃　and　took　his　coat　off。

We　did　break　the　thing　up　at　length　with　the　aid　of　a　chisel；　but　it　was　perfectly　impossible　to　eat　it；　and　we　had　to　make　a　dinner　off　the　vegetables　and　an　apple　tart。　　We　tried　a　mouthful　of　the　duck；　but　it　was　like　eating　India…rubber。

It　was　a　wicked　sin　to　kill　that　drake。　　But　there！　there's　no　respect　for　old　institutions　in　this　country。

I　started　this　paper　with　the　idea　of　writing　about　eating　and　drinking；　but　I　seem　to　have　confined　my　remarks　entirely　to　eating　as　yet。　　Well；　you　see；　drinking　is　one　of　those　subjects　with　which　it　is　inadvisable　to　appear　too　well　acquainted。　　The　days　are　gone　by　when　it　was　considered　manly　to　go　to　bed　intoxicated　every　night；　and　a　clear　head　and　a　firm　hand　no　longer　draw　down　upon　their　owner　the　reproach　of　effeminacy。　　On　the　contrary；　in　these　sadly　degenerate　days　an　evil…smelling　breath；　a　blotchy　face；　a　reeling　gait；　and　a　husky　voice　are　regarded　as　the　hall　marks　of　the　cad　rather　than　or　the　gentleman。

Even　nowadays；　though；　the　thirstiness　of　mankind　is　something　supernatural。　　We　are　forever　drinking　on　one　excuse　or　another。　　A　man　never　feels　comfortable　unless　he　has　a　glass　before　him。　　We　drink　before　meals；　and　with　meals；　and　after　meals。　　We　drink　when　we　meet　a　friend；　also　when　we　part　from　a　friend。　　We　drink　when　we　are　talking；　when　we　are　reading；　and　when　we　are　thinking。　　We　drink　one　another's　healths　and　spoil　our　own。　　We　drink　the　queen；　and　the　army；　and　the　ladies；　and　everybody　else　that　is　drinkable；　and　I　believe　if　the　supply　ran　short　we　should　drink　our　mothers…in…law。

By　the　way；　we　never　eat　anybody's　health；　always　drink　it。　　Why　should　we　not　stand　up　now　and　then　and　eat　a　tart　to　somebody's　success？

To　me；　I　confess　the　constant　necessity　of　drinking　under　which　the　majority　of　men　labor　is　quite　unaccountable。　　I　can　understand　people　drinking　to　drown　care　or　to　drive　away　maddening　thoughts　well　enough。　　I　can　understand　the　ignorant　masses　loving　to　soak　themselves　in　drinkoh；　yes；　it's　very　shocking　that　they　should；　of　coursevery　shocking　to　us　who　live　in　cozy　homes；　with　all　the　graces　and　pleasures　of　life　around　us；　that　the　dwellers　in　damp　cellars　and　windy　attics　should　creep　from　their　dens　of　misery　into　the　warmth　and　glare　of　the　public…house　bar；　and　seek　to　float　for　a　brief　space　away　from　their　dull　world　upon　a　Lethe　stream　of　gin。

But　think；　before　you　hold　up　your　hands　in　horror　at　their　ill…living；　what　〃life〃　for　these　wretched　creatures　really　means。　Picture　the　squalid　misery　of　their　brutish　existence；　dragged　on　from　year　to　year　in　the　narrow；　noisome　room　where；　huddled　like　vermin　in　sewers；　they　welter；　and　sicken；　and　sleep；　where　dirt…grimed　children　scream　and　fight　and　sluttish；　shrill…voiced　women　cuff；　and　curse；　and　nag；　where　the　street　outside　teems　with　roaring　filth　and　the　house　around　is　a　bedlam　of　riot　and　stench。

Think　what　a　sapless　stick　this　fair　flower　of　life　must　be　to　them；　devoid　of　mind　and　soul。　　The　horse　in　his　stall　scents　the　sweet　hay　and　munches　the　ripe　corn　contentedly。　　The　watch…dog　in　his　kennel　blinks　at　the　grateful　sun；　dreams　of　a　glorious　chase　over　the　dewy　fields；　and　wakes　with　a　yelp　of　gladness　to　greet　a　caressing　hand。　But　the　clod…like　life　of　these　human　logs　never　knows　one　ray　of　light。　　From　the　hour　when　they　crawl　from　their　comfortless　bed　to　the　hour　when　they　lounge　back　into　it　again　they　never　live　one　moment　of　real　life。　　Recreation；　amusement；　companionship；　they　know　not　the　meaning　of。　　Joy；　sorrow；　laughter；　tears；　love；　friendship；　longing；　despair；　are　idle　words　to　them。　　From　the　day　when　their　baby　eyes　first　look　out　upon　their　sordid　world　to　the　day　when；　with　an　oath；　they　close　them　forever　and　their　bones　are　shoveled　out　of　sight；　they　never　warm　to　one　touch　of　human　sympathy；　never　thrill　to　a　single　thought；　never　start　to　a　single　hope。　　In　the　name　of　the　God　of　mercy；　let　them　pour　the　maddening　liquor　down　their　throats　and　feel　for　one　brief　moment　that　they　live！

Ah！　we　may　talk　sentiment　as　much　as　we　like；　but　the　stomach　is　the　real　seat　of　happiness　in　this　world。　　The　kitchen　is　the　chief　temple　wherein　we　worship；　its　roaring　fire　is　our　vestal　flame；　and　the　cook　is　our　great　high…priest。　　He　is　a　mighty　magician　and　a　kindly　one。　He　soothes　away　all　sorrow　and　care。　　He　drives　forth　all　enmity；　gladdens　all　love。　　Our　God　is　great　and　the　cook　is　his　prophet。　　Let　us　eat；　drink；　and　be　merry。



ON　FURNISHED　APARTMENTS。

〃Oh；　you　have　some　rooms　to　let。〃

〃Mother！〃

〃Well；　what　is　it？〃

〃'Ere's　a　gentleman　about　the　rooms。〃

〃Ask　'im　in。　　I'll　be　up　in　a　minute。〃

〃Will　yer　step　inside；　sir？　　Mother'll　be　up　in　a　minute。〃

So　　you　　step　　inside　and　after　a　minute　〃mother〃　comes　slowly　up　the　kitchen　stairs；　untying　her　apron　as　she　comes　and　calling　down　instructions　to　some　one　below　about　the　potatoes。

〃Good…morning；　sir；〃　says　〃mother；〃　with　a　washed…out　smile。　　〃Will　you　step　this　way；　please？〃

〃Oh；　it's　hardly　worth　while　my　coming　up；〃　you　say。　　〃What　sort　of　rooms　are　they；　and　how　much？〃

〃Well；〃　says　the　landlady；　〃if　you'll　step　upstairs　I'll　show　them　to　you。〃

So　with　a　protesting　murmur；　meant　to　imply　that　any　waste　of　time　complained　of　hereafter　must　not　be　laid　to　your　charge；　you　follow　〃mother〃　upstairs。

At　the　first　landing　you　run　up　against　a　pail　and　a　broom；　whereupon　〃mother〃　expatiates　upon　the　unreliability　of　servant…girls；　and　bawls　over　the　balusters　for　Sarah　to　come　and　take　them　away　at　once。　　When　you　get　outside　the　rooms　she　pauses；　with　her　hand　upon　the　door；　to　explain　to　you　that　they　are　rather　untidy　just　at　present；　as　the　last　lodger　left　only　yesterday；　and　she　also　adds　that　this　is　their　cleaning…dayit　always　is。　　With　this　understanding　you　enter；　and　both　stand　solemnly　feasting　your　eyes　upon　the　scene　before　you。　　The　rooms　cannot　be　said　to　appear　inviting。　　Even　〃mother's〃　face　betrays　no　admiration。　　Untenanted　〃furnished　apartments〃　viewed　in　the　morning　sunlight　do　not　inspire　cheery　sensations。　　There　is　a　lifeless　air　about　them。　　It　is　a　very　different　thing　when　you　have　settled　down　and　are　living　in　them。　　With　your　old　familiar　household　gods　to　greet　your　gaze　whenever　you　glance　up；　and　all　your　little　knick…knacks　spread　around　youwith　the　photos　of　all　the　girls　that　you　have　loved　and　lost　ranged　upon　the　mantel…piece；　and　half　a　dozen　disreputable…looking　pipes　scattered　about　in　painfully　prominent　positionswith　one　carpet　slipper　peeping　from　beneath　the　coal…box　and　the　other　perched　on　the　top　of　the　pianowith　the　well…known　pictures　to　hide　the　dingy　walls；　and　these　dear　old　friends；　your　books；　higgledy…piggledy　all　over　the　placewith　the　bits　of　old　blue　china　that　your　mother　prized；　and　the　screen　she　work