the story of an african farm-第53节

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inch。



〃'So　you　won't；　won't　you？'　he　said。　　I'll　help　you。'



〃He　took　out　his　clasp…knife；　and　ran　it　into　the　leg　of　the　trembling　ox

three　times；　up　to　the　hilt。　　Then　he　put　the　knife　in　his　pocket；　and　they

took　their　whips。　　The　oxen's　flanks　quivered；　and　they　foamed　at　the

mouth。　　Straining；　they　moved　the　wagon　a　few　feet　forward；　then　stood　with

bent　backs　to　keep　it　from　sliding　back。　　From　the　black　ox's　nostrils　foam

and　blood　were　streaming　on　to　the　ground。　　It　turned　its　head　in　its

anguish　and　looked　at　me　with　its　great　starting　eyes。　　It　was　praying　for

help　in　its　agony　and　weakness；　and　they　took　their　whips　again。　　The

creature　bellowed　aloud。　　If　there　is　a　God；　it　was　calling　to　its　Maker

for　help。　　Then　a　stream　of　clear　blood　burst　from　both　nostrils；　it　fell

on　to　the　ground；　and　the　wagon　slipped　back。　　The　man　walked　up　to　it。



〃'You　are　going　to　lie　down；　devil；　are　you？　　We'll　see　you　don't　take　it

too　easy。'



〃The　thing　was　just　dying。　　He　opened　his　clasp…knife　and　stooped　down　over

it。　　I　do　not　know　what　I　did　then。　　But　afterward　I　know　I　had　him　on　the

stones；　and　I　was　kneeling　on　him。　　The　boys　dragged　me　off。　　I　wish　they

had　not。　　I　left　him　standing　in　the　sand　in　the　road；　shaking　himself；　and

I　walked　back　to　the　town。　　I　took　nothing　from　that　accursed　wagon；　so　I

had　only　two　shillings。　　But　it　did　not　matter。　　The　next　day　I　got　work　at

a　wholesale　store。　　My　work　was　to　pack　and　unpack　goods；　and　to　carry

boxes；　and　I　had　to　work　from　six　in　the　morning　to　six　in　the　evening；　so

I　had　plenty　of　time。



〃I　hired　a　little　room；　and　subscribed　to　a　library；　so　I　had　everything　I

needed；　and　in　the　week　of　Christmas　holidays　I　went　to　see　the　sea。　　I

walked　all　night；　Lyndall；　to　escape　the　heat；　and　a　little　after　sunrise　I

got　to　the　top　of　a　high　hill。　　Before　me　was　a　long；　low；　blue；　monotonous

mountain。　　I　walked　looking　at　it；　but　I　was　thinking　of　the　sea　I　wanted

to　see。　　At　last　I　wondered　what　that　curious　blue　thing　might　be；　then　it

struck　me　it　was　the　sea！　　I　would　have　turned　back　again；　only　I　was　too

tired。　　I　wonder　if　all　the　things　we　long　to　seethe　churches；　the

pictures；　the　men　in　Europewill　disappoint　us　so！　　You　see　I　had　dreamed

of　it　so　long。　　When　I　was　a　little　boy；　minding　sheep　behind　the　kopje；　I

used　to　see　the　waves　stretching　out　as　far　as　the　eye　could　reach　in　the

sunlight。　　My　sea！　　Is　the　idea　always　more　beautiful　than　the　real？



〃I　got　to　the　beach　that　afternoon；　and　I　saw　the　water　run　up　and　down　on

the　sand；　and　I　saw　the　white　foam　breakers；　they　were　pretty；　but　I

thought　I　would　go　back　the　next　day。　　It　was　not　my　sea。



〃But　I　began　to　like　it　when　I　sat　by　it　that　night　in　the　moonlight；　and

the　next　day　I　liked　it　better；　and　before　I　left　I　loved　it。　　It　was　not

like　the　sky　and　stars；　that　talk　of　what　has　no　beginning　and　no　end；　but

it　is　so　human。　　Of　all　the　things　I　have　ever　seen；　only　the　sea　is　like　a

human　being；　the　sky　is　not；　nor　the　earth。　　But　the　sea　is　always　moving；

always　something　deep　in　itself　is　stirring　it。　　It　never　rests。　　It　is

always　wanting；　wanting；　wanting。　　It　hurries　on；　and　then　it　creeps　back

slowly　without　having　reached；　moaning。　　It　is　always　asking　a　question；

and　it　never　gets　the　answer。　　I　can　hear　it　in　the　day　and　in　the　night；

the　white　foam　breakers　are　saying　that　which　I　think。　　I　walk　alone　with

them　when　there　is　no　one　to　see　me；　and　I　sing　with　them。　　I　lie　down　on

the　sand　and　watch　them　with　my　eyes　half　shut。　　The　sky　is　better；　but　it

is　so　high　above　our　heads。　　I　love　the　sea。　　Sometimes　we　must　look　down

too。　　After　five　days　I　went　back　to　Grahamstown。



〃I　had　glorious　books；　and　in　the　night　I　could　sit　in　my　little　room　and

read　them；　but　I　was　lonely。　　Books　are　not　the　same　things　when　you　are

living　among　people。　　I　cannot　tell　why；　but　they　are　dead。　　On　the　farm

they　would　have　been　living　beings　to　me；　but　here；　where　there　were　so

many　people　about　me；　I　wanted　some　one　to　belong　to　me。　　I　was　lonely。　　I

wanted　something　that　was　flesh　and　blood。　　Once　on　this　farm　there　came　a

stranger；　I　did　not　ask　his　name；　but　he　sat　among　the　karoo　and　talked

with　me。　　Now；　wherever　I　have　travelled　I　have　looked　for　himin　hotels；

in　streets；　in　passenger　wagons　as　they　rushed　in；　through　the　open　windows

of　houses　I　have　looked　for　him；　but　I　have　not　found　himnever　heard　a

voice　like　his。　　One　day　I　went　to　the　Botanic　Gardens。　　It　was　a　half…

holiday；　and　the　band　was　to　play。　　I　stood　in　the　long　raised　avenue　and

looked　down。　　There　were　many　flowers；　and　ladies　and　children　were　walking

about　beautifully　dressed。　　At　last　the　music　began。　　I　had　not　heard　such

music　before。



〃At　first　it　was　slow　and　even；　like　the　everyday　life；　when　we　walk

through　it　without　thought　or　feeling；　then　it　grew　faster；　then　it　paused；

hesitated；　then　it　was　quite　still　for　an　instant；　and　then　it　burst　out。　

Lyndall；　they　made　heaven　right　when　they　made　it　all　music。　　It　takes　you

up　and　carries　you　away；　away；　till　you　have　the　things　you　longed　for；　you

are　up　close　to　them。　　You　have　got　out　into　a　large；　free；　open　place。　　I

could　not　see　anything　while　it　was　playing；　I　stood　with　my　head　against

my　tree；　but；　when　it　was　done；　I　saw　that　there　were　ladies　sitting　close

to　me　on　a　wooden　bench；　and　the　stranger　who　had　talked　to　me　that　day　in

the　karoo　was　sitting　between　them。　　The　ladies　were　very　pretty；　and　their

dresses　beautiful。　　I　do　not　think　they　had　been　listening　to　the　music；

for　they　were　talking　and　laughing　very　softly。　　I　heard　all　they　said；　and

could　even　smell　the　rose　on　the　breast　of　one。　　I　was　afraid　he　would　see

me；　so　I　went　to　the　other　side　of　the　tree；　and　soon　they　got　up　and　began

to　pace　up　and　down　in　the　avenue。



〃All　the　time　the　music　played　they　chatted；　and　he　carried　on　his　arm　the

scarf　of　the　prettiest　lady。　　I　did　not　hear　the　music；　I　tried　to　catch

the　sound　of　his　voice　each　time　he　went　by。　　When　I　was　listening　to　the

music　I　did　not　know　I　was　badly　dressed；　now　I　felt　so　ashamed　of　myself。

I　never　knew　before　what　a　low；　horrible　thing　I　was；　dressed　in　tancord。　

That　day　on　the　farm；　when　we　sat　on　the　ground　under　the　thorn…trees；　I

thought　he　quite　belonged　to　me；　now；　I　saw　he　was　not　mine。　　But　he　was

still　as　beautiful。　　His　brown　eyes　are　more　beautiful　than　any　one's　eyes；

except　yours。



〃At　last　they　turned　to　go；　and　I　walked　after　them。　　When　they　got　out　of

the　gate　he　helped　the　ladies　into　a　phaeton；　and　stood　for　a　moment　with

his　foot　on　the　step　talking　to　them。　　He　had　a　little　cane　in　his　hand；

and　an　Italian　greyhound　ran　after　him。　　Just　when　they　drove　away　one　of

the　ladies　dropped　her　whip。



〃'Pick　it　up；　fellow；'　she　said；　and　when　I　brought　it　her　she　threw

sixpence　on　the　ground。　　I　might　have　gone　back　to　the　garden　then；　but　I

did　not　want　music；　I　wanted　clothes；　and　to　be　fashionable　and　fine。　　I

felt　that　my　hands　were　coarse；　and　that　I　was　vulgar。　　I　never　tried　to

see　him　again。



〃I　stayed　in　my　situation　four　months　after　that；　but　I　was　not　happy。　　I

had　no　rest。　　The　people　about　me　pressed　on　me；　and　made　me　dissatisfied。

I　could　not　forget　them。　　Even　when　I　did　not　see　them　they　pressed　on　me；

and　made　me　miserable。　　I　did　not　love　books；　I　wanted　people。　　When　I

walked　home　under　the　shady　trees　in　the　street　I　could　not　be　happy；　for

when　I　passed　the　houses　I　heard　music；　and　saw　faces　between　the　curtains。

I　did　not　want　any　of　them；　but　I　wanted　some　one　for　mine；　for　me。　　I

could　not　help　it。　　I　wanted　a　finer　life。



〃Only　one　day　something　made　me　happy。　　A　nurse　came　to　the　store　with　a

little　girl　belonging　to　one　of　our　clerks。　　While　the　maid　went　into　the

office　to　give　a　message　to　its　father；　the　little　child　stood　looking　at

me。　　Presently　she　came　close　to　me　and　peeped　up　into　my　face。



〃'Nice　curls；　pretty　curls；'　she　said；　'I　like　curls。'



〃She　felt　my　hair　all　over；　with　her　little　hands。　　When　I　put　out　my　arm

she　let　me　take　her　and　sit　her　on　my　knee。　　She　kissed　me　with　her　soft

mouth。　　We　were　happy　till　the　nurse…girl　came　and　shook　her；　and　asked　her

if　she　was　not　ashamed　to　sit　on　the　knee　of　that　strange　man。　　But　I　do

not　think　my　little　one　minded。　　She　laughed　at　me　as　she　went　out。



〃If　the　world　was　all　children　I　could　like　it；　but　men　and　women　draw　me

so　strangely；　and　then　press　me　away；　till　I　am　in　agony。　　I　was　not　meant

to　live　among　people。　　Perhaps　some　day；　when　I　am　grown　older；　I　will　be

able　to　go　and　live　among　them　and　look　at　them　as　I　look　at　the　rocks；　and

bushes；　without　letting　them　disturb　me；　and　take　myself　from　me；　but　not

now。　　So　I　grew　miserable；　a　kind　of　fever　seemed　to　eat　me；　I　could　not

rest；　or　read；　or　think；　so　I　came　back　here。　　I　knew　you　were　not　here　but

it　seemed　as　though　I　should　be　nearer　you；　and　it