jane eyre(简·爱)-第21节

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part　of　my　acquirements；　her　friendship　and　society　had　been　my　
continual　solace；　she　had　stood　me　in　the　stead　of　mother；　
governess；　and；　latterly；　companion。　At　this　period　she　married；　
removed　with　her　husband　（a　clergyman；　an　excellent　man；　almost　worthy　
of　such　a　wife）　to　a　distant　county；　and　consequently　was　lost　to　me。　
　　　From　the　day　she　left　I　was　no　longer　the　same：　with　her　was　gone　
every　settled　feeling；　every　association　that　had　made　Lowood　in　
some　degree　a　home　to　me。　I　had　imbibed　from　her　something　of　her　
nature　and　much　of　her　habits：　more　harmonious　thoughts：　what　seemed　
better　regulated　feelings　had　become　the　inmates　of　my　mind。　I　had　
given　in　allegiance　to　duty　and　order；　I　was　quiet；　I　believed　I　was　
content：　to　the　eyes　of　others；　usually　even　to　my　own；　I　appeared　a　
disciplined　and　subdued　character。　
　　　But　destiny；　in　the　shape　of　the　Rev。　Mr。　Nasmyth；　came　between　
me　and　Miss　Temple：　I　saw　her　in　her　travelling　dress　step　into　a　
post…chaise；　shortly　after　the　marriage　ceremony；　I　watched　the　chaise　
mount　the　hill　and　disappear　beyond　its　brow；　and　then　retired　to　my　
own　room；　and　there　spent　in　solitude　the　greatest　part　of　the　
half…holiday　granted　in　honour　of　the　occasion。　
　　　I　walked　about　the　chamber　most　of　the　time。　I　imagined　myself　only　
to　be　regretting　my　loss；　and　thinking　how　to　repair　it；　but　when　my　
reflections　were　concluded；　and　I　looked　up　and　found　that　the　
afternoon　was　gone；　and　evening　far　advanced；　another　discovery　dawned　
on　me；　namely；　that　in　the　interval　I　had　undergone　a　transforming　
process；　that　my　mind　had　put　off　all　it　had　borrowed　of　Miss　
Temple…　or　rather　that　she　had　taken　with　her　the　serene　atmosphere　
I　had　been　breathing　in　her　vicinity…　and　that　now　I　was　left　in　my　
natural　element；　and　beginning　to　feel　the　stirring　of　old　emotions。　
It　did　not　seem　as　if　a　prop　were　withdrawn；　but　rather　as　if　a　motive　
were　gone：　it　was　not　the　power　to　be　tranquil　which　had　failed　me；　
but　the　reason　for　tranquillity　was　no　more。　My　world　had　for　some　
years　been　in　Lowood：　my　experience　had　been　of　its　rules　and　systems；　
now　I　remembered　that　the　real　world　was　wide；　and　that　a　varied　field　
of　hopes　and　fears；　of　sensations　and　excitements；　awaited　those　who　
had　courage　to　go　forth　into　its　expanse；　to　seek　real　knowledge　of　
life　amidst　its　perils。　
　　　I　went　to　my　window；　opened　it；　and　looked　out。　There　were　the　
two　wings　of　the　building；　there　was　the　garden；　there　were　the　skirts　
of　Lowood；　there　was　the　hilly　horizon。　My　eye　passed　all　other　
objects　to　rest　on　those　most　remote；　the　blue　peaks；　it　was　those　I　
longed　to　surmount；　all　within　their　boundary　of　rock　and　heath　seemed　
prison…ground；　exile　limits。　I　traced　the　white　road　winding　round　the　
base　of　one　mountain；　and　vanishing　in　a　gorge　between　two；　how　I　
longed　to　follow　it　farther！　I　recalled　the　time　when　I　had　
travelled　that　very　road　in　a　coach；　I　remembered　descending　that　hill　
at　twilight；　an　age　seemed　to　have　elapsed　since　the　day　which　brought　
me　first　to　Lowood；　and　I　had　never　quitted　it　since。　My　vacations　had　
all　been　spent　at　school：　Mrs。　Reed　had　never　sent　for　me　to　
Gateshead；　neither　she　nor　any　of　her　family　had　ever　been　to　visit　
me。　I　had　had　no　communication　by　letter　or　message　with　the　outer　
world：　school…rules；　school…duties；　school…habits　and　notions；　and　
voices；　and　faces；　and　phrases；　and　costumes；　and　preferences；　and　
antipathies…　such　was　what　I　knew　of　existence。　And　now　I　felt　that　it　
was　not　enough；　I　tired　of　the　routine　of　eight　years　in　one　
afternoon。　I　desired　liberty；　for　liberty　I　gasped；　for　liberty　I　
uttered　a　prayer；　it　seemed　scattered　on　the　wind　then　faintly　
blowing。　I　abandoned　it　and　framed　a　humbler　supplication；　for　change；　
stimulus：　that　petition；　too；　seemed　swept　off　into　vague　space：　
'Then；'　I　cried；　half　desperate；　'grant　me　at　least　a　new　servitude！'　
　　　Here　a　bell；　ringing　the　hour　of　supper；　called　me　downstairs。　
　　　I　was　not　free　to　resume　the　interrupted　chain　of　my　reflections　
till　bedtime：　even　then　a　teacher　who　occupied　the　same　room　with　me　
kept　me　from　the　subject　to　which　I　longed　to　recur；　by　a　prolonged　
effusion　of　small　talk。　How　I　wished　sleep　would　silence　her。　It　
seemed　as　if；　could　I　but　go　back　to　the　idea　which　had　last　entered　
my　mind　as　I　stood　at　the　window；　some　inventive　suggestion　would　rise　
for　my　relief。　
　　　Miss　Gryce　snored　at　last；　she　was　a　heavy　Welsh…woman；　and　till　
now　her　habitual　nasal　strains　had　never　been　regarded　by　me　in　any　
other　light　than　as　a　nuisance；　to…night　I　hailed　the　first　deep　notes　
with　satisfaction；　I　was　debarrassed　of　interruption；　my　
half…effaced　thought　instantly　revived。　
　　　'A　new　servitude！　There　is　something　in　that；'　I　soliloquised　
（mentally；　be　it　understood；　I　did　not　talk　aloud）。　'I　know　there　
is；　because　it　does　not　sound　too　sweet；　it　is　not　like　such　words　
as　Liberty；　Excitement；　Enjoyment：　delightful　sounds　truly；　but　no　
more　than　sounds　for　me；　and　so　hollow　and　fleeting　that　it　is　mere　
waste　of　time　to　listen　to　them。　But　Servitude！　That　must　be　matter　of　
fact。　Any　one　may　serve：　I　have　served　here　eight　years；　now　all　I　
want　is　to　serve　elsewhere。　Can　I　not　get　so　much　of　my　own　will？　Is　
not　the　thing　feasible？　Yes…　yes…　the　end　is　not　so　difficult；　if　I　
had　only　a　brain　active　enough　to　ferret　out　the　means　of　attaining　
it。'　
　　　I　sat　up　in　bed　by　way　of　arousing　this　said　brain：　it　was　a　chilly　
night；　I　covered　my　shoulders　with　a　shawl；　and　then　I　proceeded　to　
think　again　with　all　my　might。　
　　　'What　do　I　want？　A　new　place；　in　a　new　house；　amongst　new　faces；　
under　new　circumstances：　I　want　this　because　it　is　of　no　use　wanting　
anything　better。　How　do　people　do　to　get　a　new　place？　They　apply　to　
friends；　I　suppose：　I　have　no　friends。　There　are　many　others　who　
have　no　friends；　who　must　look　about　for　themselves　and　be　their　own　
helpers；　and　what　is　their　resource？'　
　　　I　could　not　tell：　nothing　answered　me；　I　then　ordered　my　brain　to　
find　a　response；　and　quickly。　It　worked　and　worked　faster：　I　felt　
the　pulses　throb　in　my　head　and　temples；　but　for　nearly　an　hour　it　
worked　in　chaos；　and　no　result　came　of　its　efforts。　Feverish　with　vain　
labour；　I　got　up　and　took　a　turn　in　the　room；　undrew　the　curtain；　
noted　a　star　or　two；　shivered　with　cold；　and　again　crept　to　bed。　
　　　A　kind　fairy；　in　my　absence；　had　surely　dropped　the　required　
suggestion　on　my　pillow；　for　as　I　lay　down；　it　came　quietly　and　
naturally　to　my　mind：…　'Those　who　want　situations　advertise；　you　
　　　'How？　I　know　nothing　about　advertising。'　
　　　Replies　rose　smooth　and　prompt　now：…　
　　　'You　must　enclose　the　advertisement　and　the　money　to　pay　for　it　
under　a　cover　directed　to　the　editor　of　the　Herald；　you　must　put　it；　
the　first　opportunity　you　have；　into　the　post　at　Lowton；　answers　
must　be　addressed　to　J。　E。；　at　the　post…office　there；　you　can　go　and　
inquire　in　about　a　week　after　you　send　your　letter；　if　any　are　come；　
and　act　accordingly。'　
　　　This　scheme　I　went　over　twice；　thrice；　it　was　then　digested　in　my　
mind；　I　had　it　in　a　clear　practical　form：　I　felt　satisfied；　and　fell　
asleep。　
　　　With　earliest　day；　I　was　up：　I　had　my　advertisement　written；　
enclosed；　and　directed　before　the　bell　rang　to　rouse　the　school；　it　
ran　thus：…　
　　　'A　young　lady　accustomed　to　tuition'　（had　I　not　been　a　teacher　
two　years？）　'is　desirous　of　meeting　with　a　situation　in　a　private　
family　where　the　children　are　under　fourteen'　（I　thought　that　as　I　was　
barely　eighteen；　it　would　not　do　to　undertake　the　guidance　of　pupils　
nearer　my　own　age）。　'She　is　qualified　to　teach　the　usual　branches　of　a　
good　English　education；　together　with　French；　Drawing；　and　Music'　
（in　those　days；　reader；　this　now　narrow　catalogue　of　
accomplishments；　would　have　been　held　tolerably　comprehensive）。　
　　　This　document　remained　locked　in　my　drawer　all　day：　after　tea；　I　
asked　leave　of　the　new　superintendent　to　go　to　Lowton；　in　order　to　
perform　some　small　commissions　for　myself　and　one　or　two　of　my　
fellow…teachers；　permission　was　readily　granted；　I　went。　It　was　a　walk　
of　two　miles；　and　the　evening　was　wet；　but　the　days　were　still　long；　I　
visited　a　shop　or　two；　slipped　the　letter　into　the　post…office；　and　
came　back　through　heavy　rain；　with　streaming　garments；　but　with　a　
relieved　heart。　
　　　The　succeeding　week　seemed　long：　it　came　to　an　end　at　last；　
however；　like　all　sublunary　things；　and　once　more；　towards　the　close　
of　a　pleasant　autumn　day；　I　found　myself　afoot　on　the　road　to　
Lowton。　A　picturesque　track　it　was；　by　the　way；　lying　along　the　side　
of　the　beck　and　through　the　sweetest　curves　of　the　dale：　but　that　
day　I　thought　more　of　the　letters；　that　might　or　might　not　be　awaiting　
me　at　the　little　burgh　whither　I　was　bound；　than　of　the　charms　of　
lea　and　water。　
　　　My　ostensible　errand　on　this　occasion　was　to　get　measured　for　a　
pair　of　shoes；　so　I　discharged　that　business　first；　and　when　it　was　
done；　I　stepped　across　the　clean　and　quiet　little　street　from　the　
shoemaker's　to　the　post…office：　it　was　kept　by　an　old　dame；　who　wore　
horn　spectacles　on　her