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第21节

jane eyre(简·爱)-第21节

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part of my acquirements; her friendship and society had been my 
continual solace; she had stood me in the stead of mother; 
governess; and; latterly; companion。 At this period she married; 
removed with her husband (a clergyman; an excellent man; almost worthy 
of such a wife) to a distant county; and consequently was lost to me。 
   From the day she left I was no longer the same: with her was gone 
every settled feeling; every association that had made Lowood in 
some degree a home to me。 I had imbibed from her something of her 
nature and much of her habits: more harmonious thoughts: what seemed 
better regulated feelings had become the inmates of my mind。 I had 
given in allegiance to duty and order; I was quiet; I believed I was 
content: to the eyes of others; usually even to my own; I appeared a 
disciplined and subdued character。 
   But destiny; in the shape of the Rev。 Mr。 Nasmyth; came between 
me and Miss Temple: I saw her in her travelling dress step into a 
post…chaise; shortly after the marriage ceremony; I watched the chaise 
mount the hill and disappear beyond its brow; and then retired to my 
own room; and there spent in solitude the greatest part of the 
half…holiday granted in honour of the occasion。 
   I walked about the chamber most of the time。 I imagined myself only 
to be regretting my loss; and thinking how to repair it; but when my 
reflections were concluded; and I looked up and found that the 
afternoon was gone; and evening far advanced; another discovery dawned 
on me; namely; that in the interval I had undergone a transforming 
process; that my mind had put off all it had borrowed of Miss 
Temple… or rather that she had taken with her the serene atmosphere 
I had been breathing in her vicinity… and that now I was left in my 
natural element; and beginning to feel the stirring of old emotions。 
It did not seem as if a prop were withdrawn; but rather as if a motive 
were gone: it was not the power to be tranquil which had failed me; 
but the reason for tranquillity was no more。 My world had for some 
years been in Lowood: my experience had been of its rules and systems; 
now I remembered that the real world was wide; and that a varied field 
of hopes and fears; of sensations and excitements; awaited those who 
had courage to go forth into its expanse; to seek real knowledge of 
life amidst its perils。 
   I went to my window; opened it; and looked out。 There were the 
two wings of the building; there was the garden; there were the skirts 
of Lowood; there was the hilly horizon。 My eye passed all other 
objects to rest on those most remote; the blue peaks; it was those I 
longed to surmount; all within their boundary of rock and heath seemed 
prison…ground; exile limits。 I traced the white road winding round the 
base of one mountain; and vanishing in a gorge between two; how I 
longed to follow it farther! I recalled the time when I had 
travelled that very road in a coach; I remembered descending that hill 
at twilight; an age seemed to have elapsed since the day which brought 
me first to Lowood; and I had never quitted it since。 My vacations had 
all been spent at school: Mrs。 Reed had never sent for me to 
Gateshead; neither she nor any of her family had ever been to visit 
me。 I had had no communication by letter or message with the outer 
world: school…rules; school…duties; school…habits and notions; and 
voices; and faces; and phrases; and costumes; and preferences; and 
antipathies… such was what I knew of existence。 And now I felt that it 
was not enough; I tired of the routine of eight years in one 
afternoon。 I desired liberty; for liberty I gasped; for liberty I 
uttered a prayer; it seemed scattered on the wind then faintly 
blowing。 I abandoned it and framed a humbler supplication; for change; 
stimulus: that petition; too; seemed swept off into vague space: 
'Then;' I cried; half desperate; 'grant me at least a new servitude!' 
   Here a bell; ringing the hour of supper; called me downstairs。 
   I was not free to resume the interrupted chain of my reflections 
till bedtime: even then a teacher who occupied the same room with me 
kept me from the subject to which I longed to recur; by a prolonged 
effusion of small talk。 How I wished sleep would silence her。 It 
seemed as if; could I but go back to the idea which had last entered 
my mind as I stood at the window; some inventive suggestion would rise 
for my relief。 
   Miss Gryce snored at last; she was a heavy Welsh…woman; and till 
now her habitual nasal strains had never been regarded by me in any 
other light than as a nuisance; to…night I hailed the first deep notes 
with satisfaction; I was debarrassed of interruption; my 
half…effaced thought instantly revived。 
   'A new servitude! There is something in that;' I soliloquised 
(mentally; be it understood; I did not talk aloud)。 'I know there 
is; because it does not sound too sweet; it is not like such words 
as Liberty; Excitement; Enjoyment: delightful sounds truly; but no 
more than sounds for me; and so hollow and fleeting that it is mere 
waste of time to listen to them。 But Servitude! That must be matter of 
fact。 Any one may serve: I have served here eight years; now all I 
want is to serve elsewhere。 Can I not get so much of my own will? Is 
not the thing feasible? Yes… yes… the end is not so difficult; if I 
had only a brain active enough to ferret out the means of attaining 
it。' 
   I sat up in bed by way of arousing this said brain: it was a chilly 
night; I covered my shoulders with a shawl; and then I proceeded to 
think again with all my might。 
   'What do I want? A new place; in a new house; amongst new faces; 
under new circumstances: I want this because it is of no use wanting 
anything better。 How do people do to get a new place? They apply to 
friends; I suppose: I have no friends。 There are many others who 
have no friends; who must look about for themselves and be their own 
helpers; and what is their resource?' 
   I could not tell: nothing answered me; I then ordered my brain to 
find a response; and quickly。 It worked and worked faster: I felt 
the pulses throb in my head and temples; but for nearly an hour it 
worked in chaos; and no result came of its efforts。 Feverish with vain 
labour; I got up and took a turn in the room; undrew the curtain; 
noted a star or two; shivered with cold; and again crept to bed。 
   A kind fairy; in my absence; had surely dropped the required 
suggestion on my pillow; for as I lay down; it came quietly and 
naturally to my mind:… 'Those who want situations advertise; you 
   'How? I know nothing about advertising。' 
   Replies rose smooth and prompt now:… 
   'You must enclose the advertisement and the money to pay for it 
under a cover directed to the editor of the Herald; you must put it; 
the first opportunity you have; into the post at Lowton; answers 
must be addressed to J。 E。; at the post…office there; you can go and 
inquire in about a week after you send your letter; if any are come; 
and act accordingly。' 
   This scheme I went over twice; thrice; it was then digested in my 
mind; I had it in a clear practical form: I felt satisfied; and fell 
asleep。 
   With earliest day; I was up: I had my advertisement written; 
enclosed; and directed before the bell rang to rouse the school; it 
ran thus:… 
   'A young lady accustomed to tuition' (had I not been a teacher 
two years?) 'is desirous of meeting with a situation in a private 
family where the children are under fourteen' (I thought that as I was 
barely eighteen; it would not do to undertake the guidance of pupils 
nearer my own age)。 'She is qualified to teach the usual branches of a 
good English education; together with French; Drawing; and Music' 
(in those days; reader; this now narrow catalogue of 
accomplishments; would have been held tolerably comprehensive)。 
   This document remained locked in my drawer all day: after tea; I 
asked leave of the new superintendent to go to Lowton; in order to 
perform some small commissions for myself and one or two of my 
fellow…teachers; permission was readily granted; I went。 It was a walk 
of two miles; and the evening was wet; but the days were still long; I 
visited a shop or two; slipped the letter into the post…office; and 
came back through heavy rain; with streaming garments; but with a 
relieved heart。 
   The succeeding week seemed long: it came to an end at last; 
however; like all sublunary things; and once more; towards the close 
of a pleasant autumn day; I found myself afoot on the road to 
Lowton。 A picturesque track it was; by the way; lying along the side 
of the beck and through the sweetest curves of the dale: but that 
day I thought more of the letters; that might or might not be awaiting 
me at the little burgh whither I was bound; than of the charms of 
lea and water。 
   My ostensible errand on this occasion was to get measured for a 
pair of shoes; so I discharged that business first; and when it was 
done; I stepped across the clean and quiet little street from the 
shoemaker's to the post…office: it was kept by an old dame; who wore 
horn spectacles on her

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