the garden of allah-第117节

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had　he；　perhaps；　gone　away？　or　was　he　dead？　For　a　long　time　she　stood
there；　thinking　about　Larbi。　He　and　his　flute　and　his　love　were
mingled　with　her　life　in　the　desert。　And　she　felt　that　she　could　not
leave　the　desert　without　bidding　them　farewell。

But　the　silence　lasted　and　she　went　on　and　came　to　the　/fumoir/。　She
went　into　it　at　once　and　sat　down。　She　was　going　to　wait　for　Androvsky
here。

Her　mind　was　straying　curiously　to…day。　Suddenly　she　found　herself
thinking　of　the　fanatical　religious　performance　she　had　seen　with　Hadj
on　the　night　when　she　had　ridden　out　to　watch　the　moon　rise。　She　saw
in　imagination　the　bowing　bodies；　the　foaming　mouths；　the　glassy　eyes
of　the　young　priests　of　the　Sahara。　She　saw　the　spikes　behind　their
eyeballs；　the　struggling　scorpions　descending　into　their　throats；　the
flaming　coals　under　their　arm…pits；　the　nails　driven　into　their　heads。
She　heard　them　growling　as　they　saw　the　glass；　like　hungry　beasts　at
the　sight　of　meat。　And　all　this　was　to　them　religion。　This　madness　was
their　conception　of　worship。　A　voice　seemed　to　whisper　to　her：　〃And
your　madness？〃

It　was　like　the　voice　that　whispered　to　Androvsky　in　the　cemetery　of
El…Largani；　〃Come　out　with　me　into　that　world；　that　beautiful　world
which　God　made　for　men。　Why　do　you　reject　it？〃

For　a　moment　she　saw　all　religions；　all　the　practices；　the
renunciations　of　the　religions　of　the　world；　as　varying　forms　of
madness。　She　compared　the　self…denial　of　the　monk　with　the　fetish
worship　of　the　savage。　And　a　wild　thrill　of　something　that　was　almost
like　joy　rushed　through　her；　the　joy　that　sometimes　comes　to　the
unbelievers　when　they　are　about　to　commit　some　act　which　they　feel
would　be　contrary　to　God's　will　if　there　were　a　God。　It　was　a　thrill
of　almost　insolent　human　emancipation。　The　soul　cried　out：　〃I　have　no
master。　When　I　thought　I　had　a　master　I　was　mad。　Now　I　am　sane。〃

But　it　passed　almost　as　it　came；　like　a　false　thing　slinking　from　the
sunlight；　and　Domini　bowed　her　head　in　the　obscurity　of　Count
Anteoni's　thinking…place　and　returned　to　her　true　self。　That　moment
had　been　like　the　moment　upon　the　tower　when　she　saw　below　her　the
Jewess　dancing　upon　the　roof　for　the　soldiers；　a　black　speck　settling
for　an　instant　upon　whiteness；　then　carried　away　by　a　purifying　wind。
She　knew　that　she　would　always　be　subject　to　such　moments　so　long　as
she　was　a　human　being；　that　there　would　always　be　in　her　blood
something　that　was　self…willed。　Otherwise；　would　she　not　be　already　in
Paradise？　She　sat　and　prayed　for　strength　in　the　battle　of　life；　that
could　never　be　anything　else　but　a　battle。

At　last　something　within　her　told　her　to　look　up；　to　look　out　through
the　window…space　into　the　garden。　She　had　not　heard　a　step；　but　she
knew　that　Androvsky　was　approaching；　and；　as　she　looked　up；　she
prepared　herself　for　a　sight　that　would　be　terrible。　She　remembered
his　face　when　he　came　to　bid　her　good…bye　in　the　garden；　and　she
feared　to　see　his　face　now。　But　she　schooled　herself　to　be　strong；　for
herself　and　for　him。

He　was　near　her　on　the　path　coming　towards　her。　As　she　saw　him　she
uttered　a　little　cry　and　stood　up。　An　immense　surprise　came　to　her；
followed　in　a　moment　by　an　immense　joythe　greatest　joy；　she　thought；
that　she　had　ever　experienced。　For　she　looked　on　a　face　in　which　she
saw　for　the　first　time　a　pale　dawning　of　peace。　There　was　sadness　in
it；　there　was　awe；　but　there　was　a　light　of　calm；　such　as　sometimes
settles　upon　the　faces　of　men　who　have　died　quietly　without　agony　or
fear。　And　she　felt　fully；　as　she　saw　it；　the　rapture　of　having　refused
cowardice　and　grasped　the　hand　of　bravery。　Directly　afterwards　there
came　to　her　a　sensation　of　wonder　that　at　this　moment　of　their　lives
she　and　Androvsky　should　be　capable　of　a　feeling　of　joy；　of　peace。
When　the　wonder　passed　it　was　as　if　she　had　seen　God　and　knew　for　ever
the　meaning　of　His　divine　compensations。

Androvsky　came　to　the　doorway　of　the　/fumoir/　without　looking　up；
stood　still　therejust　where　Count　Anteoni　had　stood　during　his　first
interview　with　Dominiand　said：

〃Domini；　I　have　been　to　the　priest。　I　have　made　my　confession。〃

〃Yes；〃　she　said。　〃Yes；　Boris！〃

He　came　into　the　/fumoir/　and　sat　down　near　her；　but　not　close　to　her；
on　one　of　the　divans。　Now　the　sad　look　in　his　face　had　deepened　and
the　peace　seemed　to　be　fading。　She　had　thought　of　the　dawnthat　pale
light　which　is　growing　into　day。　Now　she　thought　of　the　twilight　which
is　fading　into　night。　And　the　terrible　knowledge　struck　her；　〃I　am　the
troubler　of　his　peace。　Without　me　only　could　he　ever　regain　fully　the
peace　which　he　has　lost。〃

〃Domini；〃　he　said；　looking　up　at　her；　〃you　know　the　rest。　You　meant　it
to　be　as　it　will　be　when　we　left　Amara。〃

〃Was　there　any　other　way？　Was　there　any　other　possible　life　for　us
for　youfor　me？〃

〃For　you！〃　he　said；　and　there　was　a　sound　almost　of　despair　in　his
voice。　〃But　what　is　to　be　your　life？　I　have　never　protected　youyou
have　protected　me。　I　have　never　been　strong　for　youyou　have　been
strong　for　me。　But　to　leave　youall　alone；　Domini；　must　I　do　that？
Must　I　think　of　you　out　in　the　world　alone？〃

For　a　moment　she　was　tempted　to　break　her　silence；　to　tell　him　the
truth；　that　she　would　perhaps　not　be　alone；　that　another　life；　sprung
from　his　and　hers；　was　coming　to　be　with　her；　was　coming　to　share　the
great　loneliness　that　lay　before　her。　But　she　resisted　the　temptation
and　only　said：

〃Do　not　think　of　me；　Boris。〃

〃You　tell　me　not　to　think　of　you！〃　he　said　with　an　almost　fierce
wonder。　〃Do　youdo　you　wish　me　not　to　think　of　you？〃

〃What　I　wishthat　is　so　little；　butno；　Boris；　I　can't　sayI　don't
think　I　could　ever　truly　say　that　I　wish　you　to　think　no　more　of　me。
After　all；　one　has　a　heart；　and　I　think　if　it's　worth　anything　it　must
be　often　a　rebellious　heart。　I　know　mine　is　rebellious。　But　if　you
don't　think　too　much　of　mewhen　you　are　there〃

She　paused；　and　they　looked　at　each　other　for　a　moment　in　silence。
Then　she　continued：

〃Surely　it　will　be　easier　for　you；　happier　for　you。〃

Androvsky　clenched　his　right　hand　on　the　divan　and　turned　round　till
he　was　facing　her　full。　His　eyes　blazed。

〃Domini；〃　he　said；　〃you　are　truthful。　I'll　be　truthful　to　you。　Till
the　end　of　my　life　I'll　think　of　youevery　day；　every　hour。　If　it
were　mortal　sin　to　think　of　you　I　would　commit　ityes；　Domini；
deliberately；　I　would　commit　it。　ButGod　doesn't　ask　so　much　of　us；
no；　God　doesn't。　I've　made　my　confession。　I　know　what　I　must　do。　I'll
do　it。　You　are　rightyou　are　always　rightyou　are　guided；　I　know
that。　But　I　will　think　of　you。　And　I'll　tell　you　somethingdon't
shirk　from　it；　because　it's　truth；　the　truth　of　my　soul；　and　you　love
truth。　Domini〃

Suddenly　he　got　up　from　the　divan　and　stood　before　her；　looking　down
at　her　steadily。

〃Domini；　I　can't　regret　that　I　have　seen　you；　that　we　have　been
together；　that　we　have　loved　each　other；　that　we　do　love　each　other
for　ever。　I　can't　regret　it；　I　can't　even　try　or　wish　to。　I　can't
regret　that　I　have　learned　from　you　the　meaning　of　life。　I　know　that
God　has　punished　me　for　what　I　have　done。　In　my　love　for　youtill　I
told　you　the　truth；　that　other　truthI　never　had　a　moment　of　peace
of　exultation；　yes；　of　passionate　exultation；　but　never；　never　a
moment　of　peace。　For　always；　even　in　the　most　beautiful　moments；　there
has　been　agony　for　me。　For　always　I　have　known　that　I　was　sinning
against　God　and　you；　against　myself；　my　eternal　vows。　And　yet　now　I
tell　you；　Domini；　as　I　have　told　God　since　I　have　been　able　to　pray
again；　that　I　am　glad；　thankful；　that　I　have　loved　you；　been　loved　by
you。　Is　it　wicked？　I　don't　know。　I　can　scarcely　even　care；　because
it's　true。　And　how　can　I　deny　the　truth；　strive　against　truth？　I　am　as
I　am；　and　I　am　that。　God　has　made　me　that。　God　will　forgive　me　for
being　as　I　am。　I'm　not　afraid。　I　believeI　dare　to　believethat　He
wishes　me　to　think　of　you　always　till　the　end　of　my　life。　I　dare　to
believe　that　He　would　almost　hate　me　if　I　could　ever　cease　from　loving
you。　That's　my　other　confessionmy　confession　to　you。　I　was　born；
perhaps；　to　be　a　monk。　But　I　was　born；　too；　that　I　might　love　you　and
know　your　love；　your　beauty；　your　tenderness；　your　divinity。　If　I　had
not　known　you；　if　I　had　died　a　monk；　a　good　monk　who　had　never　denied
his　vows；　I　should　have　diedI　feel　it；　Dominiin　a　great；　a
terrible　ignorance。　I　should　have　known　the　goodness　of　God；　but　I
should　never　have　known　part；　a　beautiful　part；　of　His　goodness。　For　I
should　never　have　known　the　goodness　that　He　has　put　into　you。　He　has
taught　me　through　you。　He　has　tortured　me　through　you；　yes；　but
through　you；　too；　He　has　made　me　understand　Him。　When　I　was　in　the
monastery；　when　I　was　at　peace；　when　I　lost　myself　in　prayer；　when　I
was　absolutely　pure；　absolutelyso　I　thoughtthe　child　of　God；　I
never　really　knew　God。　Now；　Domini；　now　I　know　Him。　In　the　worst
moments　of　the　new　agony　that　I　must　meet　at　least　I　shall　always　have
that　help。　I　shall　always　feel　that　I　know　what　God　is。　I　shall
always；　when　I　think　of　you；　when　I　remember　you；　be　able　to　say；　'God
is　love。'〃

He　was　silent；　but　his　face　still　spoke　to　her；　his　eyes　read　her