the garden of allah-第108节

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him。'

〃Domini；　when　the　Reverend　Pere　spoke　to　me　thus　my　mouth　was　suddenly
contracted　in　a　smile。　Devil's　smile；　I　think。　I　put　up　my　hand　to　my
face。　I　saw　the　Reverend　Pere　looking　at　me　with　a　dawning　of
astonishment　in　his　kind；　grave　eyes；　and　I　controlled　myself　at　once。
But　I　said　nothing。　I　could　not　say　anything；　and　I　went　out　from　the
parlour　quickly；　hot　with　a　sensation　of　shame。

〃'You　are　coming？'　the　stranger　said。

〃'Yes；'　I　answered。

〃It　was　a　fiery　day　of　late　June。　Africa　was　bathed　in　a　glare　of
light　that　hurt　the　eyes。　I　went　into　my　cell　and　put　on　a　pair　of
blue　glasses　and　my　wide　straw　hat；　the　hat　in　which　I　formerly　used
to　work　in　the　fields。　When　I　came　out　my　guest　was　standing　on　the
garden　path。　He　was　swinging　a　stick　in　one　hand。　The　other　hand；
which　hung　down　by　his　side；　was　twitching　nervously。　In　the　glitter
of　the　sun　his　face　looked　ghastly。　In　his　eyes　there　seemed　to　be
terrors　watching　without　hope。

〃'You　are　ready？'　he　said。　'Let　us　go。'

〃We　set　off；　walking　quickly。

〃'Movementpacesometimes　that　does　a　little　good；'　he　said。　'If　one
can　exhaust　the　body　the　mind　sometimes　lies　almost　still　for　a
moment。　If　it　would　only　lie　still　for　ever。'

〃I　said　nothing。　I　could　say　nothing。　For　my　fever　was　surely　as　his
fever。

〃'Where　are　we　going？'　he　asked　when　we　reached　the　little　house　of
the　keeper　of　the　gate　by　the　cemetery。

〃'We　cannot　walk　in　the　sun；'　I　answered。　'Let　us　go　into　the
eucalyptus　woods。'

〃The　first　Trappists　had　planted　forests　of　eucalyptus　to　keep　off　the
fever　that　sometimes　comes　in　the　African　summer。　We　made　our　way
along　a　tract　of　open　land　and　came　into　a　deep　wood。　Here　we　began　to
walk　more　slowly。　The　wood　was　empty　of　men。　The　hot　silence　was
profound。　He　took　off　his　white　helmet　and　walked　on；　carrying　it　in
his　hand。　Not　till　we　were　far　in　the　forest　did　he　speak。　Then　he
said；　'Father；　I　cannot　struggle　on　much　longer。'

〃He　spoke　abruptly；　in　a　hard　voice。

〃'You　must　try　to　gain　courage；'　I　said。

〃'From　where？'　he　exclaimed。　'No；　no；　don't　say　from　God。　If　there　is
a　God　He　hates　me。'

〃When　he　said　that　I　felt　as　if　my　soul　shuddered；　hearing　a　frightful
truth　spoken　about　itself。　My　lips　were　dry。　My　heart　seemed　to
shrivel　up；　but　I　made　an　effort　and　answered：

〃'God　hates　no　being　whom　He　has　created。'

〃'How　can　you　know？　Almost　every　man；　perhaps　every　living　man　hates
someone。　Why　not？'

〃'To　compare　God　with　a　man　is　blasphemous；'　I　answered。

〃'Aren't　we　made　in　His　image？　Father；　it's　as　I　saidI　can't
struggle　on　much　longer。　I　shall　have　to　end　it。　I　wish　nowI　often
wish　that　I　had　yielded　to　my　first　impulse　and　killed　her。　What　is
she　doing　now？　What　is　she　doing　nowat　this　moment？'

〃He　stood　still　and　beat　with　his　stick　on　the　ground。

〃'You　don't　know　the　infinite　torture　there　is　in　knowing　that；　far
away；　she　is　still　living　that　cursed　life；　that　she　is　free　to
continue　the　acts　of　which　her　existence　has　been　full。　Every　moment　I
am　imaginingI　am　seeing'

〃He　forced　his　stick　deep　into　the　ground。

〃'If　I　had　killed　her；'　he　said　in　a　low　voice；　'at　least　I　should
know　that　she　was　sleepingalonetherethereunder　the　earth。　I
should　know　that　her　body　was　dissolved　into　dust；　that　her　lips　could
kiss　no　man；　that　her　arms　could　never　hold　another　as　they　have　held
me！'

〃'Hush！'　I　said　sternly。　'You　deliberately　torture　yourself　and　me。'
He　glanced　up　sharply。

〃'You！　What　do　you　mean？'

〃'I　must　not　listen　to　such　things；'　I　said。　'They　are　bad　for　you　and
for　me。'

〃'How　can　they　be　bad　for　youa　monk？'

〃'Such　talk　is　evilevil　for　everyone。'

〃'I'll　be　silent　then。　I'll　go　into　the　silence。　I'll　go　soon。'

〃I　understood　that　he　thought　of　putting　an　end　to　himself。

〃'There　are　few　men；'　I　said；　speaking　with　deliberation；　with　effort；
'who　do　not　feel　at　some　period　of　life　that　all　is　over　for　them；
that　there　is　nothing　to　hope　for；　that　happiness　is　a　dream　which
will　visit　them　no　more。'

〃'Have　you　ever　felt　like　that？　You　speak　of　it　calmly；　but　have　you
ever　experienced　it？'

〃I　hesitated。　Then　I　said：

〃'Yes。'

〃'You；　who　have　been　a　monk　for　so　many　years！'

〃'Yes。'

〃'Since　you　have　been　here？'

〃'Yes；　since　then。'

〃'And　you　would　tell　me　that　the　feeling　passed；　that　hope　came　again；
and　the　dream　as　you　call　it？'

〃'I　would　say　that　what　has　lived　in　a　heart　can　die；　as　we　who　live
in　this　world　shall　die。'

〃'Ah；　thatthe　sooner　the　better！　But　you　are　wrong。　Sometimes　a
thing　lives　in　the　heart　that　cannot　die　so　long　as　the　heart　beats。
Such　is　my　passion；　my　torture。　Don't　you；　a　monkdon't　dare　to　say
to　me　that　this　love　of　mine　could　die。'

〃'Don't　you　wish　it　to　die？'　I　asked。　'You　say　it　tortures　you。'

〃'Yes。　But　nonoI　don't　wish　it　to　die。　I　could　never　wish　that。'

〃I　looked　at　him；　I　believe；　with　a　deep　astonishment。

〃'Ah；　you　don't　understand！　'　he　said。　'You　don't　understand。　At　all
costs　one　must　keep　itone's　love。　With　it　I　amas　you　see。　But
without　itman；　without　it；　I　should　be　nothingno　more　than　that。'

〃He　picked　up　a　rotten　leaf；　held　it　to　me；　threw　it　down　on　the
ground。　I　hardly　looked　at　it。　He　had　said　to　me：　'Man！'　That　word；
thus　said　by　him；　seemed　to　me　to　mark　the　enormous　change　in　me；　to
indicate　that　it　was　visible　to　the　eyes　of　another；　the　heart　of
another。　I　had　passed　from　the　monkthe　sexless　beingto　the　man。　He
set　me　beside　himself；　spoke　of　me　as　if　I　were　as　himself。　An　intense
excitement　surged　up　in　me。　I　thinkI　don't　know　what　I　should　have
saiddonebut　at　that　moment　a　boy；　who　acted　as　a　servant　at　the
monastery；　came　running　towards　us　with　a　letter　in　his　hand。

〃'It　is　for　Monsieur！'　he　said。　'It　was　left　at　the　gate。'

〃'A　letter　for　me！'　the　stranger　said。

〃He　held　out　his　hand　and　took　it　indifferently。　The　boy　gave　it；　and
turning；　went　away　through　the　wood。　Then　the　stranger　glanced　at　the
envelope。　Domini；　I　wish　I　could　make　you　see　what　I　saw　then；　the
change　that　came。　I　can't。　There　are　things　the　eyes　must　see。　The
tongue　can't　tell　them。　The　ghastly　whiteness　went　out　of　his　face。　A
hot　flood　of　scarlet　rushed　over　it　up　to　the　roots　of　his　hair。　His
hands　and　his　whole　body　began　to　tremble　violently。　His　eyes；　which
were　fixed　on　the　envelope；　shone　with　an　expressionit　was　like　all
the　excitement　in　the　world　condensed　into　two　sparks。　He　dropped　his
stick　and　sat　down　on　the　trunk　of　a　tree；　fell　down　almost。

〃'Father！'　he　muttered；　'it's　not　been　through　the　postit's　not　been
through　the　post！'

〃I　did　not　understand。

〃'What　do　you　mean？'　I　asked。

〃'What'

〃The　flush　left　his　face。　He　turned　deadly　white　again。　He　held　out
the　letter。

〃'Read　it　for　me！'　he　said。　'I　can't　seeI　can't　see　anything。'

〃I　took　the　letter。　He　covered　his　eyes　with　his　hands。　I　opened　it
and　read：


〃'GRAND　HOTEL；　TUNIS。

　〃'I　have　found　out　where　you　are。　I　have　come。　Forgive　meif　you
　　can。　I　will　marry　youor　I　will　live　with　you。　As　you　please；　but
　　I　cannot　live　without　you。　I　know　women　are　not　admitted　to　the
　　monastery。　Come　out　on　the　road　that　leads　to　Tunis。　I　am　there。
　　At　least　come　for　a　moment　and　speak　to　me。　VERONIQUE。'


〃Domini；　I　read　this　slowly；　and　it　was　as　if　I　read　my　own　fate。　When
I　had　finished　he　got　up。　He　was　still　pale　as　ashes　and　trembling。

〃'Which　is　the　way　to　the　road？'　he　said。　'Do　you　know？'

〃'Yes。'

〃'Take　me　there。　Give　me　your　arm；　Father。'

〃He　took　it；　leaned　on　it　heavily。　We　walked　through　the　wood　towards
the　highroad。　I　had　almost　to　support　him。　The　way　seemed　long。　I　felt
tired；　sick；　as　if　I　could　scarcely　move；　as　if　I　were　bearingas　if
I　were　bearing　a　cross　that　was　too　heavy　for　me。　We　came　at　last　out
of　the　shadow　of　the　trees　into　the　glare　of　the　sun。　A　flat　field
divided　us　from　the　white　road。

〃'Is　thereis　there　a　carriage？'　he　whispered　in　my　ear。

〃I　looked　across　the　field　and　saw　on　the　road　a　carriage　waiting。

〃'Yes；'　I　said。

〃I　stopped；　and　tried　to　take　his　arm　from　mine。

〃'Go；'　I　said。　'Go　on！'

〃'I　can't。　Come　with　me；　Father。'

〃We　went　on　in　the　blinding　sun。　I　looked　down　on　the　dry　earth　as　I
walked。　Presently　I　saw　at　my　feet　the　white　dust　of　the　road。　At　the
same　time　I　heard　a　woman's　cry。　The　stranger　took　his　arm　violently
from　mine。

〃'Father；'　he　said。　'Good…byeGod　bless　you！'

〃He　was　gone。　I　stood　there。　In　a　moment　I　heard　a　roll　of　wheels。
Then　I　looked　up。　I　saw　a　man　and　a　woman　together；　Domini。　Their
faces　were　like　angels'　faceswith　happiness。　The　dust　flew　up　in　the
sunshine。　The　wheels　died　awayI　was　alone。

〃PresentlyI　think　after　a　very　long　timeI　turned　and　went　back　to
the　monastery。　Domini；　that　night　I　left　the　monastery。　I　was　as　one
mad。　The　wish　to　live　had　given　place　to　the　determination　to　live。　I
thought　of　nothing　else。　In　the　chapel　that　evening　I　heard　nothingI
did　not　see　the　monks。　I　did　not　attempt　to　pray；　for　I　knew　that　I
was　going。　To　go　was　an　easy　matter　for　me。　I　slept　alone　in　the
/hotellerie/；　of　which　I　had　the　key。　When　it　was　night　I　unlocked　the
door。　I　walked　to　the　cemeterybetween　the　Stations