the garden of allah-第107节

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atmosphere　of　lies；　he　said；　and　to　lie　was　nothing　to　her。　Any
original　refinement　of　feeling　as　regards　human　relations　that　she
might　have　had　had　become　dulled；　if　it　had　not　been　destroyed。　At
first　he　blindly；　miserably；　resigned　himself　to　this。　He　said　to
himself；　'Fate　has　led　me　to　love　this　sort　of　woman。　I　must　accept
her　as　she　is；　with　all　her　defects；　with　her　instinct　for　treachery；
with　her　passion　for　the　admiration　of　the　world；　with　her
incapability　for　being　true　to　an　ideal；　or　for　isolating　herself　in
the　adoration　of　one　man。　I　cannot　get　away　from　her。　She　has　me　fast。
I　cannot　live　without　her。　Then　I　must　bear　the　torture　that　jealousy
of　her　will　certainly　bring　me　in　silence。　I　must　conceal　it。　I　must
try　to　kill　it。　I　must　make　the　best　of　whatever　she　will　give　me；
knowing　that　she　can　never；　with　her　nature　and　her　training；　be
exclusively　mine　as　a　good　woman　might　be。'　This　he　said　to　himself。
This　plan　of　conduct　he　traced　for　himself。　But　he　soon　found　that　he
was　not　strong　enough　to　keep　to　it。　His　jealousy　was　a　devouring
fire；　and　he　could　not　conceal　it。　Domini；　he　described　to　me　minutely
the　effect　of　jealousy　in　a　human　heart。　I　had　never　imagined　what　it
was；　and；　when　he　described　it；　I　felt　as　if　I　looked　down　into　a
bottomless　pit　lined　with　the　flames　of　hell。　By　the　depth　of　that　pit
I　measured　the　depth　of　his　passion　for　this　woman；　and　I　gained　an
idea　of　what　human　lovenot　the　best　sort　of　human　love；　but　still
genuine；　intense　love　of　some　kindcould　be。　Of　this　human　love　I
thought　at　night；　putting　it　in　comparison　with　the　love　God's
creature　can　have　for　God。　And　my　sense　of　loneliness　increased；　and　I
felt　as　if　I　had　always　been　lonely。　Does　this　seem　strange　to　you？　In
the　love　of　God　was　calm；　peace；　rest；　a　lying　down　of　the　soul　in　the
Almighty　arms。　In　the　other　love　described　to　me　was　restlessness；
agitation；　torture；　the　soul　spinning　like　an　atom　driven　by　winds；
the　heart　devoured　as　by　a　disease；　a　cancer。　On　the　one　hand　was　a
beautiful　trust；　on　the　other　a　ceaseless　agony　of　doubt　and　terror。
And　yet　I　came　to　feel　as　if　the　one　were　unreal　in　comparison　with
the　other；　as　if　in　the　one　were　a　loneliness；　in　the　other　fierce
companionship。　I　thought　of　the　Almighty　arms；　Domini；　and　of　the　arms
of　a　woman；　andDomini；　I　longed　to　have　known；　if　only　once；　the
pressure　of　a　woman's　arms　about　my　neck；　about　my　breast；　the　touch
of　a　woman's　hand　upon　my　heart。

〃And　of　all　this　I　never　spoke　at　confession。　I　committed　the　deadly
sin　of　keeping　back　at　confession　all　that。〃　He　stopped。　Then　he　said；
〃Till　the　end　my　confessions　were　incomplete；　were　false。

〃The　stranger　told　me　that　as　his　love　for　this　woman　grew　he　found　it
impossible　to　follow　the　plan　he　had　traced　for　himself　of　shutting
his　eyes　to　the　sight　of　other　eyes　admiring；　desiring　her；　of
shutting　his　ears　to　the　voices　that　whispered；　'This　it　will　always
be；　for　others　as　well　as　for　you。'　He　found　it　impossible。　His
jealousy　was　too　importunate；　and　he　resolved　to　make　any　effort　to
keep　her　for　himself　alone。　He　knew　she　had　love　for　him；　but　he　knew
that　love　would　not　necessarily；　or　even　probably；　keep　her　entirely
faithful　to　him。　She　thought　too　little　of　passing　intrigues。　To　her
they　seemed　trifles；　meaningless；　unimportant。　She　told　him　so；　when
he　spoke　his　jealousy。　She　said；　'I　love　you。　I　do　not　love　these
other　men。　They　are　in　my　life　for　a　moment　only。'

〃'And　that　moment　plunges　me　into　hell！'　he　said。

〃He　told　her　he　could　not　bear　it；　that　it　was　impossible；　that　she
must　belong　to　him　entirely　and　solely。　He　asked　her　to　marry　him。　She
was　surprised；　touched。　She　understood　what　a　sacrifice　such　a
marriage　would　be　to　a　man　in　his　position。　He　was　a　man　of　good
birth。　His　request；　his　vehement　insistence　on　it；　made　her　understand
his　love　as　she　had　not　understood　it　before。　Yet　she　hesitated。　For
so　long　had　she　been　accustomed　to　a　life　of　freedom；　of　changing
/amours/；　that　she　hesitated　to　put　her　neck　under　the　yoke　of
matrimony。　She　understood　thoroughly　his　character　and　his　aim　in
marrying　her。　She　knew　that　as　his　wife　she　must　bid　an　eternal
farewell　to　the　life　she　had　known。　And　it　was　a　life　that　had　become
a　habit　to　her；　a　life　that　she　was　fond　of。　For　she　was　enormously
vain；　and　she　was　ashe　was　a　very　physical　woman；　subject　to
physical　caprices。　There　are　things　that　I　pass　over；　Domini；　which
would　explain　still　more　her　hesitation。　He　knew　what　caused　it；　and
again　he　was　tortured。　But　he　persisted。　And　at　last　he　overcame。　She
consented　to　marry　him。　They　were　engaged。　Domini；　I　need　not　tell　you
much　more；　only　this　factwhich　had　driven　him　from　France；　destroyed
his　happiness；　brought　him　to　the　monastery。　Shortly　before　the
marriage　was　to　take　place　he　discovered　that；　while　they　were
engaged；　she　had　yielded　to　the　desires　of　an　old　admirer　who　had　come
to　bid　her　farewell　and　to　wish　her　joy　in　her　new　life。　He　was
tempted；　he　said；　to　kill　her。　But　he　governed　himself　and　left　her。
He　travelled。　He　came　to　Tunis。　He　came　to　La　Trappe。　He　saw　the　peace
there。　He　thought；　'Can　I　seize　it？　Can　it　do　something　for　me？'　He
saw　me。　He　thought；　'I　shall　not　be　quite　alone。　This　monkhe　has
lived　always　in　peace；　he　has　never　known　the　torture　of　women。　Might
not　intercourse　with　him　help　me？'

〃Such　was　his　history；　such　was　the　history　poured；　with　infinite
detail　that　I　have　not　told　you；　day　by　day；　into　my　ears。　It　was　the
history；　you　see；　of　a　passion　that　was　mainly　physical。　I　will　not
say　entirely。　I　do　not　know　whether　any　great　passion　can　be　entirely
physical。　But　it　was　the　history　of　the　passion　of　one　body　for
another　body；　and　he　did　not　attempt　to　present　it　to　me　as　anything
else。　This　man　made　me　understand　the　meaning　of　the　body。　I　had　never
understood　it　before。　I　had　never　suspected　the　immensity　of　the
meaning　there　is　in　physical　things。　I　had　never　comprehended　the
flesh。　Now　I　comprehended　it。　Loneliness　rushed　upon　me；　devoured　me
loneliness　of　the　body。　'God　is　a　spirit　and　those　that　worship　him
must　worship　him　in　spirit。'　Now　I　felt　that　to　worship　in　spirit　was
not　enough。　I　even　felt　that　it　was　scarcely　anything。　Again　I　thought
of　my　life　as　the　life　of　a　skeleton　in　a　world　of　skeletons。　Again
the　chapel　was　as　a　valley　of　dry　bones。　It　was　a　ghastly　sensation。　I
was　plunged　in　the　void。　III　can't　tell　you　my　exact　sensation；
but　it　was　as　if　I　was　the　loneliest　creature　in　the　whole　of　the
universe；　and　as　if　I　need　not　have　been　lonely；　as　if　I；　in　my
ignorance　and　fatuity；　had　selected　loneliness　thinking　it　was　the
happiest　fate。

〃And　yet　you　will　say　I　was　face　to　face　with　this　man's　almost
frantic　misery。　I　was；　and　it　made　no　difference。　I　envied　him；　even
in　his　present　state。　He　wanted　to　gain　consolation　from　me　if　that
were　possible。　Oh；　the　irony　of　my　consoling　him！　In　secret　I　laughed
at　it　bitterly。　When　I　strove　to　console　him　I　knew　that　I　was　an
incarnate　lie。　He　had　told　me　the　meaning　of　the　body　and；　by　so
doing；　had　snatched　from　me　the　meaning　of　the　spirit。　And　then　he
said　to　me；　'Make　me　feel　the　meaning　of　the　spirit。　If　I　can　grasp
that　I　may　find　comfort。'　He　called　upon　me　to　give　him　what　I　no
longer　hadthe　peace　of　God　that　passeth　understanding。　Domini；　can
you　feel　at　all　what　that　was　to　me？　Can　you　realise？　Can　youis　it
any　wonder　that　I　could　do　nothing　for　him；　for　him　who　had　done　such
a　frightful　thing　for　me？　Is　it　any　wonder？　Soon　he　realised　that　he
would　not　find　peace　with　me　in　the　garden。　Yet　he　stayed　on。　Why？　He
did　not　know　where　to　go；　what　to　do。　Life　offered　him　nothing　but
horror。　His　love　of　experiences　was　dead。　His　love　of　life　had
completely　vanished。　He　saw　the　worldly　life　as　a　nightmare；　yet　he
had　nothing　to　put　in　the　place　of　it。　And　in　the　monastery　he　was
ceaselessly　tormented　by　jealousy。　Ceaselessly　his　mind　was　at　work
about　this　woman；　picturing　her　in　her　life　of　change；　of　intrigue；　of
new　lovers；　of　new　hopes　and　aims　in　which　he　had　no　part；　in　which
his　image　was　being　blotted　out；　doubtless　from　her　memory　even。　He
suffered；　he　suffered　as　few　suffer。　But　I　think　I　suffered　more。　The
melancholy　was　driven　on　into　a　gnawing　hunger；　the　gnawing　hunger　of
the　flesh　wishing　to　have　lived；　wishing　to　live；　wishing　toto　know。

〃Domini；　to　you　I　can't　say　more　of　thatto　you　whom　Iwhom　I　love
with　spirit　and　flesh。　I　will　come　to　the　end；　to　the　incident　which
made　the　body　rise　up；　strike　down　the　soul；　trample　out　over　it　into
the　world　like　a　wolf　that　was　starving。

〃One　day　the　Reverend　Pere　gave　me　a　special　permission　to　walk　with
our　visitor　beyond　the　monastery　walls　towards　the　sea。　Such
permission　was　an　event　in　my　life。　It　excited　me　more　than　you　can
imagine。　I　found　that　the　stranger　had　begged　him　to　let　me　come。

〃'Our　guest　is　very　fond　of　you；'　the　Reverend　Pere　said　to　me。　'I
think　if　any　human　being　can　bring　him　to　a　calmer；　happier　state　of
mind　and　spirit；　you　can。　You　have　obtained　a　good　influence　over
him。'

〃Domini；　when　the　Reverend　Pere　spoke　to　me　thus　my　mouth　was　suddenly