boyhood-第9节

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My　childish　feeling　of　unlimited　respect　for　my　elders；　especially　for　Papa；　was　so　strong　within　me　that　my　intellect　involuntarily　refused　to　draw　any　conclusions　from　what　I　had　seen。　I　felt　that　Papa　was　living　in　a　sphere　completely　apart　from；　incomprehensible　by；　and　unattainable　for；　me；　as　well　as　one　that　was　in　every　way　excellent；　and　that　any　attempt　on　my　part　to　criticise　the　secrets　of　his　life　would　constitute　something　like　sacrilege。

For　this　reason；　the　discovery　which　I　made　from　Papa's　portfolio　left　no　clear　impression　upon　my　mind；　but　only　a　dim　consciousness　that　I　had　done　wrong。　I　felt　ashamed　and　confused。

The　feeling　made　me　eager　to　shut　the　portfolio　again　as　quickly　as　possible；　but　it　seemed　as　though　on　this　unlucky　day　I　was　destined　to　experience　every　possible　kind　of　adversity。　I　put　the　key　back　into　the　padlock　and　turned　it　round；　but　not　in　the　right　direction。　Thinking　that　the　portfolio　was　now　locked；　I　pulled　at　the　key　and；　oh　horror！　found　my　hand　come　away　with　only　the　top　half　of　the　key　in　it！　In　vain　did　I　try　to　put　the　two　halves　together；　and　to　extract　the　portion　that　was　sticking　in　the　padlock。　At　last　I　had　to　resign　myself　to　the　dreadful　thought　that　I　had　committed　a　new　crime　one　which　would　be　discovered　to…day　as　soon　as　ever　Papa　returned　to　his　study！　First　of　all；　Mimi's　accusation　on　the　staircase；　and　then　that　one　mark；　and　then　this　key！　Nothing　worse　could　happen　now。　This　very　evening　I　should　be　assailed　successively　by　Grandmamma　（because　of　Mimi's　denunciation）；　by　St。　Jerome　（because　of　the　solitary　mark）；　and　by　Papa　（because　of　the　matter　of　this　key）　yes；　all　in　one　evening！

〃What　on　earth　is　to　become　of　me？　What　have　I　done？〃　I　exclaimed　as　I　paced　the　soft　carpet。　〃Well；〃　I　went　on　with　sudden　determination；　〃what　MUST　come；　MUSTthat's　all；〃　and；　taking　up　the　bonbons　and　the　cigars；　I　ran　back　to　the　other　part　of　the　house。

The　fatalistic　formula　with　which　I　had　concluded　（and　which　was　one　that　I　often　heard　Nicola　utter　during　my　childhood）　always　produced　in　me；　at　the　more　difficult　crises　of　my　life；　a　momentarily　soothing；　beneficial　effect。　Consequently；　when　I　re…　entered　the　drawing…room；　I　was　in　a　rather　excited；　unnatural　mood；　yet　one　that　was　perfectly　cheerful。



XIII。　THE　TRAITRESS

After　luncheon　we　began　to　play　at　round　games；　in　which　I　took　a　lively　part。　While　indulging　in　〃cat　and　mouse〃；　I　happened　to　cannon　rather　awkwardly　against　the　Kornakoffs'　governess；　who　was　playing　with　us；　and；　stepping　on　her　dress；　tore　a　large　hole　in　it。　Seeing　that　the　girlsparticularly　Sonetchkawere　anything　but　displeased　at　the　spectacle　of　the　governess　angrily　departing　to　the　maidservants'　room　to　have　her　dress　mended；　I　resolved　to　procure　them　the　satisfaction　a　second　time。　Accordingly；　in　pursuance　of　this　amiable　resolution；　I　waited　until　my　victim　returned；　and　then　began　to　gallop　madly　round　her；　until　a　favourable　moment　occurred　for　once　more　planting　my　heel　upon　her　dress　and　reopening　the　rent。　Sonetchka　and　the　young　princesses　had　much　ado　to　restrain　their　laughter；　which　excited　my　conceit　the　more；　but　St。　Jerome；　who　had　probably　divined　my　tricks；　came　up　to　me　with　the　frown　which　I　could　never　abide　in　him；　and　said　that；　since　I　seemed　disposed　to　mischief；　he　would　have　to　send　me　away　if　I　did　not　moderate　my　behaviour。

However；　I　was　in　the　desperate　position　of　a　person　who；　having　staked　more　than　he　has　in　his　pocket；　and　feeling　that　he　can　never　make　up　his　account；　continues　to　plunge　on　unlucky　cards　not　because　he　hopes　to　regain　his　losses；　but　because　it　will　not　do　for　him　to　stop　and　consider。　So；　I　merely　laughed　in　an　impudent　fashion　and　flung　away　from　my　monitor。

After　〃cat　and　mouse〃；　another　game　followed　in　which　the　gentlemen　sit　on　one　row　of　chairs　and　the　ladies　on　another；　and　choose　each　other　for　partners。　The　youngest　princess　always　chose　the　younger　Iwin；　Katenka　either　Woloda　or　Ilinka；　and　Sonetchka　Seriosha　nor；　to　my　extreme　astonishment；　did　Sonetchka　seem　at　all　embarrassed　when　her　cavalier　went　and　sat　down　beside　her。　On　the　contrary；　she　only　laughed　her　sweet；　musical　laugh；　and　made　a　sign　with　her　head　that　he　had　chosen　right。　Since　nobody　chose　me；　I　always　had　the　mortification　of　finding　myself　left　over；　and　of　hearing　them　say；　〃Who　has　been　left　out？　Oh；　Nicolinka。　Well；　DO　take　him；　somebody。〃　Consequently；　whenever　it　came　to　my　turn　to　guess　who　had　chosen　me；　I　had　to　go　either　to　my　sister　or　to　one　of　the　ugly　elder　princesses。　Sonetchka　seemed　so　absorbed　in　Seriosha　that　in　her　eyes　I　clearly　existed　no　longer。　I　do　not　quite　know　why　I　called　her　〃the　traitress〃　in　my　thoughts；　since　she　had　never　promised　to　choose　me　instead　of　Seriosha；　but；　for　all　that；　I　felt　convinced　that　she　was　treating　me　in　a　very　abominable　fashion。　After　the　game　was　finished；　I　actually　saw　〃the　traitress〃　（from　whom　I　nevertheless　could　not　withdraw　my　eyes）　go　with　Seriosha　and　Katenka　into　a　corner；　and　engage　in　secret　confabulation。　Stealing　softly　round　the　piano　which　masked　the　conclave；　I　beheld　the　following：

Katenka　was　holding　up　a　pocket…handkerchief　by　two　of　its　corners；　so　as　to　form　a　screen　for　the　heads　of　her　two　companions。　〃No；　you　have　lost！　You　must　pay　the　forfeit！〃　cried　Seriosha　at　that　moment；　and　Sonetchka；　who　was　standing　in　front　of　him；　blushed　like　a　criminal　as　she　replied；　〃No；　I　have　NOT　lost！　HAVE　I；　Mademoiselle　Katherine？〃　〃Well；　I　must　speak　the　truth；〃　answered　Katenka；　〃and　say　that　you　HAVE　lost；　my　dear。〃　Scarcely　had　she　spoken　the　words　when　Seriosha　embraced　Sonetchka；　and　kissed　her　right　on　her　rosy　lips！　And　Sonetchka　smiled　as　though　it　were　nothing；　but　merely　something　very　pleasant！

Horrors！　The　artful　〃traitress！〃



XIV。　THE　RETRIBUTION

Instantly；　I　began　to　feel　a　strong　contempt　for　the　female　sex　in　general　and　Sonetchka　in　particular。　I　began　to　think　that　there　was　nothing　at　all　amusing　in　these　gamesthat　they　were　only　fit　for　girls；　and　felt　as　though　I　should　like　to　make　a　great　noise；　or　to　do　something　of　such　extraordinary　boldness　that　every　one　would　be　forced　to　admire　it。　The　opportunity　soon　arrived。　St。　Jerome　said　something　to　Mimi；　and　then　left　the　room；　I　could　hear　his　footsteps　ascending　the　staircase；　and　then　passing　across　the　schoolroom；　and　the　idea　occurred　to　me　that　Mimi　must　have　told　him　her　story　about　my　being　found　on　the　landing；　and　thereupon　he　had　gone　to　look　at　the　register。　（In　those　days；　it　must　be　remembered；　I　believed　that　St。　Jerome's　whole　aim　in　life　was　to　annoy　me。）　Some　where　I　have　read　that；　not　infrequently；　children　of　from　twelve　to　fourteen　years　of　agethat　is　to　say；　children　just　passing　from　childhood　to　adolescenceare　addicted　to　incendiarism；　or　even　to　murder。　As　I　look　back　upon　my　childhood；　and　particularly　upon　the　mood　in　which　I　was　on　that　（for　myself）　most　unlucky　day；　I　can　quite　understand　the　possibility　of　such　terrible　crimes　being　committed　by　children　without　any　real　aim　in　view　without　any　real　wish　to　do　wrong；　but　merely　out　of　curiosity　or　under　the　influence　of　an　unconscious　necessity　for　action。　There　are　moments　when　the　human　being　sees　the　future　in　such　lurid　colours　that　he　shrinks　from　fixing　his　mental　eye　upon　it；　puts　a　check　upon　all　his　intellectual　activity；　and　tries　to　feel　convinced　that　the　future　will　never　be；　and　that　the　past　has　never　been。　At　such　momentsmoments　when　thought　does　not　shrink　from　manifestations　of　will；　and　the　carnal　instincts　alone　constitute　the　springs　of　lifeI　can　understand　that　want　of　experience　（which　is　a　particularly　predisposing　factor　in　this　connection）　might　very　possibly　lead　a　child；　aye；　without　fear　or　hesitation；　but　rather　with　a　smile　of　curiosity　on　its　face；　to　set　fire　to　the　house　in　which　its　parents　and　brothers　and　sisters　（beings　whom　it　tenderly　loves）　are　lying　asleep。　It　would　be　under　the　same　influence　of　momentary　absence　of　thoughtalmost　absence　of　mindthat　a　peasant　boy　of　seventeen　might　catch　sight　of　the　edge　of　a　newly…sharpened　axe　reposing　near　the　bench　on　which　his　aged　father　was　lying　asleep；　face　downwards；　and　suddenly　raise　the　implement　in　order　to　observe　with　unconscious　curiosity　how　the　blood　would　come　spurting　out　upon　the　floor　if　he　made　a　wound　in　the　sleeper's　neck。　It　is　under　the　same　influencethe　same　absence　of　thought；　the　same　instinctive　curiositythat　a　man　finds　delight　in　standing　on　the　brink　of　an　abyss　and　thinking　to　himself；　〃How　if　I　were　to　throw　myself　down？〃　or　in　holding　to　his　brow　a　loaded　pistol　and　wondering；　〃What　if　I　were　to　pull　the　trigger？〃　or　in　feeling；　when　he　catches　sight　of　some　universally　respected　personage；　that　he　would　like　to　go　up　to　him；　pull　his　nose　hard；　and　say；　〃How　do　you　do；　old　boy？〃

Under　the　spell；　then；　of　this　instinctive　agitation　and　lack　of　reflection　I　was　moved　to　put　out　my　tongue；　and　to　say　that　I　would　not　move；　when　St。　Jerome　came　down　and　told　me　that　I　had　behaved　so　badly　that　day；　as　well　as　done　my　lessons　so　ill；　that　I　had　no　right　to　be　where　I　was；　and　must　go　upstairs　directly。

At　first；　from　astonishment　an