boyhood-第5节

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！


t　would　have　been　terribly　embarrassing　for　me　to　be　alone　with　my　brother。　When；　too；　the　evening　class　in　history　was　ended　I　took　my　notebook　and　moved　towards　the　door。　Just　as　I　passed　Woloda；　I　pouted　and　pulled　an　angry　face；　though　in　reality　I　should　have　liked　to　have　made　my　peace　with　him。　At　the　same　moment　he　lifted　his　head；　and　with　a　barely　perceptible　and　good…humouredly　satirical　smile　looked　me　full　in　the　face。　Our　eyes　met；　and　I　saw　that　he　understood　me；　while　he；　for　his　part；　saw　that　I　knew　that　he　understood　me；　yet　a　feeling　stronger　than　myself　obliged　me　to　turn　away　from　him。

〃Nicolinka；〃　he　said　in　a　perfectly　simple　and　anything　but　mock…　pathetic　way；　〃you　have　been　angry　with　me　long　enough。　I　am　sorry　if　I　offended　you；〃　and　he　tendered　me　his　hand。

It　was　as　though　something　welled　up　from　my　heart　and　nearly　choked　me。　Presently　it　passed　away；　the　tears　rushed　to　my　eyes；　and　I　felt　immensely　relieved。

〃I　too　am　so…rry；　Wo…lo…da；〃　I　said；　taking　his　hand。　Yet　he　only　looked　at　me　with　an　expression　as　though　he　could　not　understand　why　there　should　be　tears　in　my　eyes。



VI。　MASHA

None　of　the　changes　produced　in　my　conception　of　things　were　so　striking　as　the　one　which　led　me　to　cease　to　see　in　one　of　our　chambermaids　a　mere　servant　of　the　female　sex；　but；　on　the　contrary；　a　WOMAN　upon　whom　depended；　to　a　certain　extent；　my　peace　of　mind　and　happiness。　From　the　time　of　my　earliest　recollection　I　can　remember　Masha　an　inmate　of　our　house；　yet　never　until　the　occurrence　of　which　I　am　going　to　speakan　occurrence　which　entirely　altered　my　impression　of　herhad　I　bestowed　the　smallest　attention　upon　her。　She　was　twenty…five　years　old；　while　I　was　but　fourteen。　Also；　she　was　very　beautiful。　But　I　hesitate　to　give　a　further　description　of　her　lest　my　imagination　should　once　more　picture　the　bewitching；　though　deceptive；　conception　of　her　which　filled　my　mind　during　the　period　of　my　passion。　To　be　frank；　I　will　only　say　that　she　was　extraordinarily　handsome；　magnificently　developed；　and　a　womanas　also　that　I　was　but　fourteen。

At　one　of　those　moments　when；　lesson…book　in　hand；　I　would　pace　the　room；　and　try　to　keep　strictly　to　one　particular　crack　in　the　floor　as　I　hummed　a　fragment　of　some　tune　or　repeated　some　vague　formulain　short；　at　one　of　those　moments　when　the　mind　leaves　off　thinking　and　the　imagination　gains　the　upper　hand　and　yearns　for　new　impressionsI　left　the　schoolroom；　and　turned；　with　no　definite　purpose　in　view；　towards　the　head　of　the　staircase。

Somebody　in　slippers　was　ascending　the　second　flight　of　stairs。　Of　course　I　felt　curious　to　see　who　it　was；　but　the　footsteps　ceased　abruptly；　and　then　I　heard　Masha's　voice　say：

〃Go　away！　What　nonsense！　What　would　Maria　Ivanovna　think　if　she　were　to　come　now？〃

〃Oh；　but　she　will　not　come；〃　answered　Woloda's　voice　in　a　whisper。

〃Well；　go　away；　you　silly　boy；〃　and　Masha　came　running　up；　and　fled　past　me。

I　cannot　describe　the　way　in　which　this　discovery　confounded　me。　Nevertheless　the　feeling　of　amazement　soon　gave　place　to　a　kind　of　sympathy　with　Woloda's　conduct。　I　found　myself　wondering　less　at　the　conduct　itself　than　at　his　ability　to　behave　so　agreeably。　Also；　I　found　myself　involuntarily　desiring　to　imitate　him。

Sometimes　I　would　pace　the　landing　for　an　hour　at　a　time；　with　no　other　thought　in　my　head　than　to　watch　for　movements　from　above。　Yet；　although　I　longed　beyond　all　things　to　do　as　Woloda　had　done；　I　could　not　bring　myself　to　the　point。　At　other　times；　filled　with　a　sense　of　envious　jealousy；　I　would　conceal　myself　behind　a　door　and　listen　to　the　sounds　which　came　from　the　maidservants'　room；　until　the　thought　would　occur　to　my　mind；　〃How　if　I　were　to　go　in　now　and；　like　Woloda；　kiss　Masha？　What　should　I　say　when　she　asked　meME　with　the　huge　nose　and　the　tuft　on　the　top　of　my　headwhat　I　wanted？〃　Sometimes；　too；　I　could　hear　her　saying　to　Woloda；

〃That　serves　you　right！　Go　away！　Nicolas　Petrovitch　never　comes　in　here　with　such　nonsense。〃　Alas！　she　did　not　know　that　Nicolas　Petrovitch　was　sitting　on　the　staircase　just　below　and　feeling　that　he　would　give　all　he　possessed　to　be　in　〃that　bold　fellow　Woloda's〃　place！　I　was　shy　by　nature；　and　rendered　worse　in　that　respect　by　a　consciousness　of　my　own　ugliness。　I　am　certain　that　nothing　so　much　influences　the　development　of　a　man　as　his　exteriorthough　the　exterior　itself　less　than　his　belief　in　its　plainness　or　beauty。

Yet　I　was　too　conceited　altogether　to　resign　myself　to　my　fate。　I　tried　to　comfort　myself　much　as　the　fox　did　when　he　declared　that　the　grapes　were　sour。　That　is　to　say；　I　tried　to　make　light　of　the　satisfaction　to　be　gained　from　making　such　use　of　a　pleasing　exterior　as　I　believed　Woloda　to　employ　（satisfaction　which　I　nevertheless　envied　him　from　my　heart）；　and　endeavoured　with　every　faculty　of　my　intellect　and　imagination　to　console　myself　with　a　pride　in　my　isolation。



VII。　SMALL　SHOT

〃Good　gracious！　Powder！〃　exclaimed　Mimi　in　a　voice　trembling　with　alarm。　〃Whatever　are　you　doing？　You　will　set　the　house　on　fire　in　a　moment；　and　be　the　death　of　us　all！〃　Upon　that；　with　an　indescribable　expression　of　firmness；　Mimi　ordered　every　one　to　stand　aside；　and；　regardless　of　all　possible　danger　from　a　premature　explosion；　strode　with　long　and　resolute　steps　to　where　some　small　shot　was　scattered　about　the　floor；　and　began　to　trample　upon　it。

When；　in　her　opinion；　the　peril　was　at　least　lessened；　she　called　for　Michael　and　commanded　him　to　throw　the　〃powder〃　away　into　some　remote　spot；　or；　better　still；　to　immerse　it　in　water；　after　which　she　adjusted　her　cap　and　returned　proudly　to　the　drawing…　room；　murmuring　as　she　went；　〃At　least　I　can　say　that　they　are　well　looked　after。〃

When　Papa　issued　from　his　room　and　took　us　to　see　Grandmamma　we　found　Mimi　sitting　by　the　window　and　glancing　with　a　grave；　mysterious；　official　expression　towards　the　door。　In　her　hand　she　was　holding　something　carefully　wrapped　in　paper。　I　guessed　that　that　something　was　the　small　shot；　and　that　Grandmamma　had　been　informed　of　the　occurrence。　In　the　room　also　were　the　maidservant　Gasha　（who；　to　judge　by　her　angry　flushed　face；　was　in　a　state　of　great　irritation）　and　Doctor　Blumenthalthe　latter　a　little　man　pitted　with　smallpox；　who　was　endeavouring　by　tacit；　pacificatory　signs　with　his　head　and　eyes　to　reassure　the　perturbed　Gasha。　Grandmamma　was　sitting　a　little　askew　and　playing　that　variety　of　〃patience〃　which　is　called　〃The　Traveller〃two　unmistakable　signs　of　her　displeasure。

〃How　are　you　to…day；　Mamma？〃　said　Papa　as　he　kissed　her　hand　respectfully。　〃Have　you　had　a　good　night？〃

〃Yes；　very　good；　my　dear；　you　KNOW　that　I　always　enjoy　sound　health；〃　replied　Grandmamma　in　a　tone　implying　that　Papa's　inquiries　were　out　of　place　and　highly　offensive。　〃Please　give　me　a　clean　pocket…handkerchief；〃　she　added　to　Gasha。

〃I　HAVE　given　you　one；　madam；〃　answered　Gasha；　pointing　to　the　snow…white　cambric　handkerchief　which　she　had　just　laid　on　the　arm　of　Grandmamma's　chair。

〃No；　no；　it's　a　nasty；　dirty　thing。　Take　it　away　and　bring　me　a　CLEAN　one；　my　dear。〃

Gasha　went　to　a　cupboard　and　slammed　the　door　of　it　back　so　violently　that　every　window　rattled。　Grandmamma　glared　angrily　at　each　of　us；　and　then　turned　her　attention　to　following　the　movements　of　the　servant。　After　the　latter　had　presented　her　with　what　I　suspected　to　be　the　same　handkerchief　as　before；　Grandmamma　continued：

〃And　when　do　you　mean　to　cut　me　some　snuff；　my　dear？〃

〃When　I　have　time。〃

〃What　do　you　say？〃

〃To…day。〃

〃If　you　don't　want　to　continue　in　my　service　you　had　better　say　so　at　once。　I　would　have　sent　you　away　long　ago　had　I　known　that　you　wished　it。〃

〃It　wouldn't　have　broken　my　heart　if　you　had！〃　muttered　the　woman　in　an　undertone。

Here　the　doctor　winked　at　her　again；　but　she　returned　his　gaze　so　firmly　and　wrathfully　that　he　soon　lowered　it　and　went　on　playing　with　his　watch…key。

〃You　see；　my　dear；　how　people　speak　to　me　in　my　own　house！〃　said　Grandmamma　to　Papa　when　Gasha　had　left　the　room　grumbling。

〃Well；　Mamma；　I　will　cut　you　some　snuff　myself；〃　replied　Papa；　though　evidently　at　a　loss　how　to　proceed　now　that　he　had　made　this　rash　promise。

〃No；　no；　I　thank　you。　Probably　she　is　cross　because　she　knows　that　no　one　except　herself　can　cut　the　snuff　just　as　I　like　it。　Do　you　know；　my　dear；〃　she　went　on　after　a　pause；　〃that　your　children　very　nearly　set　the　house　on　fire　this　morning？〃

Papa　gazed　at　Grandmamma　with　respectful　astonishment。

〃Yes；　they　were　playing　with　something　or　another。　Tell　him　the　story；〃　she　added　to　Mimi。

Papa　could　not　help　smiling　as　he　took　the　shot　in　his　hand。

〃This　is　only　small　shot；　Mamma；〃　he　remarked；　〃and　could　never　be　dangerous。〃

〃I　thank　you；　my　dear；　for　your　instruction；　but　I　am　rather　too　old　for　that　sort　of　thing。〃

〃Nerves；　nerves！〃　whispered　the　doctor。

Papa　turned　to　us　and　asked　us　where　we　had　got　the　stuff；　and　how　we　could　dare　to　play　with　it。

〃Don't　ask　THEM；　ask　that　useless　'Uncle；'　rather；〃　put　in　Grandmamma；　laying　a　peculiar　stress　upon　the　word　〃UNCLE。〃　〃What　else　is　he　for？〃

〃Woloda　says　that　Karl　Ivanitch　gave　him　the　powder　himself；〃　declared　Mimi。

〃Then　you　c