boyhood-第4节

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〃It　is　impossible　that　you　should　leave　us。　How　could　we　ever　live　apart？〃

〃Yet　what　else　is　there　to　be　done？　Certainly　I　do　not　WANT　to　do　it；　yet；　if　it　HAS　to　be　done；　I　know　what　my　plan　in　life　will　be。〃

〃Yes；　to　become　an　actress！　How　absurd！〃　I　exclaimed　（for　I　knew　that　to　enter　that　profession　had　always　been　her　favourite　dream）。

〃Oh　no。　I　only　used　to　say　that　when　I　was　a　little　girl。〃

〃Well；　then？　What？〃

〃To　go　into　a　convent　and　live　there。　Then　I　could　walk　out　in　a　black　dress　and　velvet　cap！〃　cried　Katenka。

Has　it　ever　befallen　you；　my　readers；　to　become　suddenly　aware　that　your　conception　of　things　has　alteredas　though　every　object　in　life　had　unexpectedly　turned　a　side　towards　you　of　which　you　had　hitherto　remained　unaware？　Such　a　species　of　moral　change　occurred；　as　regards　myself；　during　this　journey；　and　therefore　from　it　I　date　the　beginning　of　my　boyhood。　For　the　first　time　in　my　life；　I　then　envisaged　the　idea　that　wei。e。　our　familywere　not　the　only　persons　in　the　world；　that　not　every　conceivable　interest　was　centred　in　ourselves；　and　that　there　existed　numbers　of　people　who　had　nothing　in　common　with　us；　cared　nothing　for　us；　and　even　knew　nothing　of　our　existence。　No　doubt　I　had　known　all　this　beforeonly　I　had　not　known　it　then　as　I　knew　it　now；　I　had　never　properly　felt　or　understood　it。

Thought　merges　into　conviction　through　paths　of　its　own；　as　well　as；　sometimes；　with　great　suddenness　and　by　methods　wholly　different　from　those　which　have　brought　other　intellects　to　the　same　conclusion。　For　me　the　conversation　with　Katenkastriking　deeply　as　it　did；　and　forcing　me　to　reflect　on　her　future　positionconstituted　such　a　path。　As　I　gazed　at　the　towns　and　villages　through　which　we　passed；　and　in　each　house　of　which　lived　at　least　one　family　like　our　own；　as　well　as　at　the　women　and　children　who　stared　with　curiosity　at　our　carriages　and　then　became　lost　to　sight　for　ever；　and　the　peasants　and　workmen　who　did　not　even　look　at　us；　much　less　make　us　any　obeisance；　the　question　arose　for　the　first　time　in　my　thoughts；　〃Whom　else　do　they　care　for　if　not　for　us？〃　And　this　question　was　followed　by　others；　such　as；　〃To　what　end　do　they　live？〃　〃How　do　they　educate　their　children？〃　〃Do　they　teach　their　children　and　let　them　play？　What　are　their　names？〃　and　so　forth。



IV。　IN　MOSCOW

From　the　time　of　our　arrival　in　Moscow；　the　change　in　my　conception　of　objects；　of　persons；　and　of　my　connection　with　them　became　increasingly　perceptible。　When　at　my　first　meeting　with　Grandmamma；　I　saw　her　thin；　wrinkled　face　and　faded　eyes；　the　mingled　respect　and　fear　with　which　she　had　hitherto　inspired　me　gave　place　to　compassion；　and　when；　laying　her　cheek　against　Lubotshka's　head；　she　sobbed　as　though　she　saw　before　her　the　corpse　of　her　beloved　daughter；　my　compassion　grew　to　love。

I　felt　deeply　sorry　to　see　her　grief　at　our　meeting；　even　though　I　knew　that　in　ourselves　we　represented　nothing　in　her　eyes；　but　were　dear　to　her　only　as　reminders　of　our　motherthat　every　kiss　which　she　imprinted　upon　my　cheeks　expressed　the　one　thought；　〃She　is　no　moreshe　is　dead；　and　I　shall　never　see　her　again。〃

Papa；　who　took　little　notice　of　us　here　in　Moscow；　and　whose　face　was　perpetually　preoccupied　on　the　rare　occasions　when　he　came　in　his　black　dress…coat　to　take　formal　dinner　with　us；　lost　much　in　my　eyes　at　this　period；　in　spite　of　his　turned…up　ruffles；　robes　de　chambre；　overseers；　bailiffs；　expeditions　to　the　estate；　and　hunting　exploits。

Karl　Ivanitchwhom　Grandmamma　always　called　〃Uncle；〃　and　who　（Heaven　knows　why！）　had　taken　it　into　his　head　to　adorn　the　bald　pate　of　my　childhood's　days　with　a　red　wig　parted　in　the　middle　now　looked　to　me　so　strange　and　ridiculous　that　I　wondered　how　I　could　ever　have　failed　to　observe　the　fact　before。　Even　between　the　girls　and　ourselves　there　seemed　to　have　sprung　up　an　invisible　barrier。　They；　too；　began　to　have　secrets　among　themselves；　as　well　as　to　evince　a　desire　to　show　off　their　ever…　lengthening　skirts　even　as　we　boys　did　our　trousers　and　ankle…　straps。　As　for　Mimi；　she　appeared　at　luncheon；　the　first　Sunday；　in　such　a　gorgeous　dress　and　with　so　many　ribbons　in　her　cap　that　it　was　clear　that　we　were　no　longer　en　campagne；　and　that　everything　was　now　going　to　be　different。



V。　MY　ELDER　BROTHER

I　was　only　a　year　and　some　odd　months　younger　than　Woloda；　and　from　the　first　we　had　grown　up　and　studied　and　played　together。　Hitherto；　the　difference　between　elder　and　younger　brother　had　never　been　felt　between　us；　but　at　the　period　of　which　I　am　speaking；　I　began　to　have　a　notion　that　I　was　not　Woloda's　equal　either　in　years；　in　tastes；　or　in　capabilities。　I　even　began　to　fancy　that　Woloda　himself　was　aware　of　his　superiority　and　that　he　was　proud　of　it；　and；　though；　perhaps；　I　was　wrong；　the　idea　wounded　my　conceitalready　suffering　from　frequent　comparison　with　him。　He　was　my　superior　in　everythingin　games；　in　studies；　in　quarrels；　and　in　deportment。　All　this　brought　about　an　estrangement　between　us　and　occasioned　me　moral　sufferings　which　I　had　never　hitherto　experienced。

When　for　the　first　time　Woloda　wore　Dutch　pleated　shirts；　I　at　once　said　that　I　was　greatly　put　out　at　not　being　given　similar　ones；　and　each　time　that　he　arranged　his　collar；　I　felt　that　he　was　doing　so　on　purpose　to　offend　me。　But；　what　tormented　me　most　of　all　was　the　idea　that　Woloda　could　see　through　me；　yet　did　not　choose　to　show　it。

Who　has　not　known　those　secret；　wordless　communications　which　spring　from　some　barely　perceptible　smile　or　movementfrom　a　casual　glance　between　two　persons　who　live　as　constantly　together　as　do　brothers；　friends；　man　and　wife；　or　master　and　servant　particularly　if　those　two　persons　do　not　in　all　things　cultivate　mutual　frankness？　How　many　half…expressed　wishes；　thoughts；　and　meanings　which　one　shrinks　from　revealing　are　made　plain　by　a　single　accidental　glance　which　timidly　and　irresolutely　meets　the　eye！

However；　in　my　own　case　I　may　have　been　deceived　by　my　excessive　capacity　for；　and　love　of；　analysis。　Possibly　Woloda　did　not　feel　at　all　as　I　did。　Passionate　and　frank；　but　unstable　in　his　likings；　he　was　attracted　by　the　most　diverse　things；　and　always　surrendered　himself　wholly　to　such　attraction。　For　instance；　he　suddenly　conceived　a　passion　for　pictures；　spent　all　his　money　on　their　purchase；　begged　Papa；　Grandmamma；　and　his　drawing　master　to　add　to　their　number；　and　applied　himself　with　enthusiasm　to　art。　Next　came　a　sudden　rage　for　curios；　with　which　he　covered　his　table；　and　for　which　he　ransacked　the　whole　house。　Following　upon　that；　he　took　to　violent　novel…readingprocuring　such　works　by　stealth；　and　devouring　them　day　and　night。　Involuntarily　I　was　influenced　by　his　whims；　for；　though　too　proud　to　imitate　him；　I　was　also　too　young　and　too　lacking　in　independence　to　choose　my　own　way。　Above　all；　I　envied　Woloda　his　happy；　nobly　frank　character；　which　showed　itself　most　strikingly　when　we　quarrelled。　I　always　felt　that　he　was　in　the　right；　yet　could　not　imitate　him。　For　instance；　on　one　occasion　when　his　passion　for　curios　was　at　its　height；　I　went　to　his　table　and　accidentally　broke　an　empty　many…coloured　smelling…bottle。

〃Who　gave　you　leave　to　touch　my　things？〃　asked　Woloda；　chancing　to　enter　the　room　at　that　moment　and　at　once　perceiving　the　disorder　which　I　had　occasioned　in　the　orderly　arrangement　of　the　treasures　on　his　table。　〃And　where　is　that　smelling　bottle？　Perhaps　you？〃

〃I　let　it　fall；　and　it　smashed　to　pieces；　but　what　does　that　matter？〃

〃Well；　please　do　me　the　favour　never　to　DARE　to　touch　my　things　again；〃　he　said　as　he　gathered　up　the　broken　fragments　and　looked　at　them　vexedly。

〃And　will　YOU　please　do　me　the　favour　never　to　ORDER　me　to　do　anything　whatever；〃　I　retorted。　〃When　a　thing's　broken；　it's　broken；　and　there　is　no　more　to　be　said。〃　Then　I　smiled；　though　I　hardly　felt　like　smiling。

〃Oh；　it　may　mean　nothing　to　you；　but　to　me　it　means　a　good　deal；〃　said　Woloda；　shrugging　his　shoulders　（a　habit　he　had　caught　from　Papa）。　〃First　of　all　you　go　and　break　my　things；　and　then　you　laugh。　What　a　nuisance　a　little　boy　can　be！〃

〃LITTLE　boy；　indeed？　Then　YOU；　I　suppose；　are　a　man；　and　ever　so　wise？〃

〃I　do　not　intend　to　quarrel　with　you；〃　said　Woloda；　giving　me　a　slight　push。　〃Go　away。〃

〃Don't　you　push　me！〃

〃Go　away。〃

〃I　say　againdon't　you　push　me！〃

Woloda　took　me　by　the　hand　and　tried　to　drag　me　away　from　the　table；　but　I　was　excited　to　the　last　degree；　and　gave　the　table　such　a　push　with　my　foot　that　I　upset　the　whole　concern；　and　brought　china　and　crystal　ornaments　and　everything　else　with　a　crash　to　the　floor。

〃You　disgusting　little　brute！〃　exclaimed　Woloda；　trying　to　save　some　of　his　falling　treasures。

〃At　last　all　is　over　between　us；〃　I　thought　to　myself　as　I　strode　from　the　room。　〃We　are　separated　now　for　ever。〃

It　was　not　until　evening　that　we　again　exchanged　a　word。　Yet　I　felt　guilty；　and　was　afraid　to　look　at　him；　and　remained　at　a　loose　end　all　day。

Woloda；　on　the　contrary；　did　his　lessons　as　diligently　as　ever；　and　passed　the　time　after　luncheon　in　talking　and　laughing　with　the　girls。　As　soon；　again；　as　afternoon　lessons　were　over　I　left　the　room；　for　it　would　have　been　te