boyhood-第17节

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〃Is　Woloda　at　home？〃　came　in　Dubkoff's　voice　from　the　ante…room。

〃Yes！〃　shouted　Woloda；　springing　up　and　throwing　aside　his　book。

Dubkoff　and　Nechludoff　entered。

〃Are　you　coming　to　the　theatre；　Woloda？〃

〃No；　I　have　no　time；〃　he　replied　with　a　blush。

〃Oh；　never　mind　that。　Come　along。〃

〃But　I　haven't　got　a　ticket。〃

〃Tickets；　as　many　as　you　like；　at　the　entrance。〃

〃Very　well；　then；　I'll　be　back　in　a　minute；〃　said　Woloda　evasively　as　he　left　the　room。　I　knew　very　well　that　he　wanted　to　go；　but　that　he　had　declined　because　he　had　no　money；　and　had　now　gone　to　borrow　five　roubles　of　one　of　the　servantsto　be　repaid　when　he　got　his　next　allowance。

〃How　do　you　do；　DIPLOMAT？〃　said　Dubkoff　to　me　as　he　shook　me　by　the　hand。　Woloda's　friends　had　called　me　by　that　nickname　since　the　day　when　Grandmamma　had　said　at　luncheon　that　Woloda　must　go　into　the　army；　but　that　she　would　like　to　see　me　in　the　diplomatic　service；　dressed　in　a　black　frock…coat；　and　with　my　hair　arranged　a　la　coq　（the　two　essential　requirements；　in　her　opinion；　of　a　DIPLOMAT）。

〃Where　has　Woloda　gone　to？〃　asked　Nechludoff。

〃I　don't　know；〃　I　replied；　blushing　to　think　that　nevertheless　they　had　probably　guessed　his　errand。

〃I　suppose　he　has　no　money？　Yes；　I　can　see　I　am　right；　O　diplomatist；〃　he　added；　taking　my　smile　as　an　answer　in　the　affirmative。　〃Well；　I　have　none；　either。　Have　you　any；　Dubkoff？〃

〃I'll　see；〃　replied　Dubkoff；　feeling　for　his　pocket；　and　rummaging　gingerly　about　with　his　squat　little　fingers　among　his　small　change。　〃　Yes；　here　are　five　copecks…twenty；　but　that's　all；〃　he　concluded　with　a　comic　gesture　of　his　hand。

At　this　point　Woloda　re…entered。

〃Are　we　going？〃

〃No。〃

〃What　an　odd　fellow　you　are！〃　said　Nechludoff。　〃Why　don't　you　say　that　you　have　no　money？　Here；　take　my　ticket。〃

〃But　what　are　you　going　to　do？〃

〃He　can　go　into　his　cousin's　box；〃　said　Dubkoff。

〃No；　I'm　not　going　at　all；〃　replied　Nechludoff。

〃Why？〃

〃Because　I　hate　sitting　in　a　box。〃

〃And　for　what　reason？〃

〃I　don't　know。　Somehow　I　feel　uncomfortable　there。〃

〃Always　the　same！　I　can't　understand　a　fellow　feeling　uncomfortable　when　he　is　sitting　with　people　who　are　fond　of　him。　It　is　unnatural；　mon　cher。〃

〃But　what　else　is　there　to　be　done　si　je　suis　tant　timide？　You　never　blushed　in　your　life；　but　I　do　at　the　least　trifle；〃　and　he　blushed　at　that　moment。

〃Do　you　know　what　that　nervousness　of　yours　proceeds　from？〃　said　Dubkoff　in　a　protecting　sort　of　tone；　〃D'un　exces　d'amour　propre；　mon　cher。〃

〃What　do　you　mean　by　'exces　d'amour　propre'？〃　asked　Nechludoff；　highly　offended。　〃On　the　contrary；　I　am　shy　just　because　I　have　TOO　LITTLE　amour　propre。　I　always　feel　as　though　I　were　being　tiresome　and　disagreeable；　and　therefore〃

〃Well；　get　ready；　Woloda；〃　interrupted　Dubkoff；　tapping　my　brother　on　the　shoulder　and　handing　him　his　cloak。　〃Ignaz；　get　your　master　ready。〃

〃Therefore；〃　continued　Nechludoff；　it　often　happens　with　me　that〃

But　Dubkoff　was　not　listening。　〃Tra…la…la…la；〃　and　he　hummed　a　popular　air。

〃Oh；　but　I'm　not　going　to　let　you　off；〃　went　on　Nechludoff。　〃I　mean　to　prove　to　you　that　my　shyness　is　not　the　result　of　conceit。〃

〃You　can　prove　it　as　we　go　along。〃

〃But　I　have　told　you　that　I　am　NOT　going。〃

〃Well；　then；　stay　here　and　prove　it　to　the　DIPLOMAT；　and　he　can　tell　us　all　about　it　when　we　return。〃

〃Yes；　that's　what　I　WILL　do；〃　said　Nechludoff　with　boyish　obstinacy；　〃so　hurry　up　with　your　return。〃

〃Well；　do　you　think　I　am　egotistic？〃　he　continued；　seating　himself　beside　me。

True；　I　had　a　definite　opinion　on　the　subject；　but　I　felt　so　taken　aback　by　this　unexpected　question　that　at　first　I　could　make　no　reply。

〃Yes；　I　DO　think　so；〃　I　said　at　length　in　a　faltering　voice；　and　colouring　at　the　thought　that　at　last　the　moment　had　come　when　I　could　show　him　that　I　was　clever。　〃I　think　that　EVERYBODY　is　egotistic；　and　that　everything　we　do　is　done　out　of　egotism。〃

〃But　what　do　you　call　egotism？〃　asked　Nechludoffsmiling；　as　I　thought；　a　little　contemptuously。

〃Egotism　is　a　conviction　that　we　are　better　and　cleverer　than　any　one　else；〃　I　replied。

〃But　how　can　we　ALL　be　filled　with　this　conviction？〃　he　inquired。

〃Well；　I　don't　know　if　I　am　right　or　notcertainly　no　one　but　myself　seems　to　hold　the　opinionbut　I　believe　that　I　am　wiser　than　any　one　else　in　the　world；　and　that　all　of　you　know　it。〃

〃At　least　I　can　say　for　myself；〃　observed　Nechludoff；　〃that　I　have　met　a　FEW　people　whom　I　believe　to　excel　me　in　wisdom。〃

〃It　is　impossible；〃　I　replied　with　conviction。

〃Do　you　really　think　so？〃　he　said；　looking　at　me　gravely。

〃Yes；　really；〃　I　answered；　and　an　idea　crossed　my　mind　which　I　proceeded　to　expound　further。　〃Let　me　prove　it　to　you。　Why　do　we　love　ourselves　better　than　any　one　else？　Because　we　think　ourselves　BETTER　than　any　one　elsemore　worthy　of　our　own　love。　If　we　THOUGHT　others　better　than　ourselves；　we　should　LOVE　them　better　than　ourselves：　but　that　is　never　the　case。　And　even　if　it　were　so；　I　should　still　be　right；〃　I　added　with　an　involuntary　smile　of　complacency。

For　a　few　minutes　Nechludoff　was　silent。

〃I　never　thought　you　were　so　clever；〃　he　said　with　a　smile　so　goodhumoured　and　charming　that　I　at　once　felt　happy。

Praise　exercises　an　all…potent　influence；　not　only　upon　the　feelings；　but　also　upon　the　intellect；　so　that　under　the　influence　of　that　agreeable　sensation　I　straightway　felt　much　cleverer　than　before；　and　thoughts　began　to　rush　with　extraordinary　rapidity　through　my　head。　From　egotism　we　passed　insensibly　to　the　theme　of　love；　which　seemed　inexhaustible。　Although　our　reasonings　might　have　sounded　nonsensical　to　a　listener　（so　vague　and　one…sided　were　they）；　for　ourselves　they　had　a　profound　significance。　Our　minds　were　so　perfectly　in　harmony　that　not　a　chord　was　struck　in　the　one　without　awakening　an　echo　in　the　other；　and　in　this　harmonious　striking　of　different　chords　we　found　the　greatest　delight。　Indeed；　we　felt　as　though　time　and　language　were　insufficient　to　express　the　thoughts　which　seethed　within　us。



XXVII。　THE　BEGINNING　OF　OUR　FRIENDSHIP

From　that　time　forth；　a　strange；　but　exceedingly　pleasant；　relation　subsisted　between　Dimitri　Nechludoff　and　myself。　Before　other　people　he　paid　me　scanty　attention；　but　as　soon　as　ever　we　were　alone；　we　would　sit　down　together　in　some　comfortable　corner　and；　forgetful　both　of　time　and　of　everything　around　us；　fall　to　reasoning。

We　talked　of　a　future　life；　of　art；　service；　marriage；　and　education；　nor　did　the　idea　ever　occur　to　us　that　very　possibly　all　we　said　was　shocking　nonsense。　The　reason　why　it　never　occurred　to　us　was　that　the　nonsense　which　we　talked　was　good；　sensible　nonsense；　and　that；　so　long　as　one　is　young；　one　can　appreciate　good　nonsense；　and　believe　in　it。　In　youth　the　powers　of　the　mind　are　directed　wholly　to　the　future；　and　that　future　assumes　such　various；　vivid；　and　alluring　forms　under　the　influence　of　hopehope　based；　not　upon　the　experience　of　the　past；　but　upon　an　assumed　possibility　of　happiness　to　comethat　such　dreams　of　expected　felicity　constitute　in　themselves　the　true　happiness　of　that　period　of　our　life。　How　I　loved　those　moments　in　our　metaphysical　discussions　（discussions　which　formed　the　major　portion　of　our　intercourse）　when　thoughts　came　thronging　faster　and　faster；　and；　succeeding　one　another　at　lightning　speed；　and　growing　more　and　more　abstract；　at　length　attained　such　a　pitch　of　elevation　that　one　felt　powerless　to　express　them；　and　said　something　quite　different　from　what　one　had　intended　at　first　to　say！　How　I　liked　those　moments；　too；　when；　carried　higher　and　higher　into　the　realms　of　thought；　we　suddenly　felt　that　we　could　grasp　its　substance　no　longer　and　go　no　further！

At　carnival　time　Nechludoff　was　so　much　taken　up　with　one　festivity　and　another　that；　though　he　came　to　see　us　several　times　a　day；　he　never　addressed　a　single　word　to　me。　This　offended　me　so　much　that　once　again　I　found　myself　thinking　him　a　haughty；　disagreeable　fellow；　and　only　awaited　an　opportunity　to　show　him　that　I　no　longer　valued　his　company　or　felt　any　particular　affection　for　him。　Accordingly；　the　first　time　that　he　spoke　to　me　after　the　carnival；　I　said　that　I　had　lessons　to　do；　and　went　upstairs；　but　a　quarter　of　an　hour　later　some　one　opened　the　schoolroom　door；　and　Nechludoff　entered。

〃Am　I　disturbing　you？〃　he　asked。

〃No；〃　I　replied；　although　I　had　at　first　intended　to　say　that　I　had　a　great　deal　to　do。

〃Then　why　did　you　run　away　just　now？　It　is　a　long　while　since　we　had　a　talk　together；　and　I　have　grown　so　accustomed　to　these　discussions　that　I　feel　as　though　something　were　wanting。〃

My　anger　had　quite　gone　now；　and　Dimitri　stood　before　me　the　same　good　and　lovable　being　as　before。

〃You　know；　perhaps；　why　I　ran　away？〃　I　said。

〃Perhaps　I　do；〃　he　answered；　taking　a　seat　near　me。　〃However；　though　it　is　possible　I　know　why；　I　cannot　say　it　straight　out；　whereas　YOU　can。〃

〃Then　I　will　do　so。　I　ran　away　because　I　was　angry　with　you　well；　not　angry；　but　grieved。　I　always　have　an　idea　that　you　despise　me　for　being　so　young。〃

〃Well；　do　you　know　why　I　always　feel　so　attracted　towards　you？　〃　he　replied；　meeting　my　confession　with　a　look　of