boyhood-第15节

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xed　them　so　long　with　her　splendid　black　eyes　that　she　got　blamed　for　doing　what　was　thought　to　be　improper。　Katenka；　on　the　contrary；　always　cast　her　eyelids　down；　blinked；　and　pretended　that　she　was　short…　sighted；　though　I　knew　very　well　that　her　sight　was　excellent。　Lubotshka　hated　being　shown　off　before　strangers；　and　when　a　visitor　offered　to　kiss　her　she　invariably　grew　cross；　and　said　that　she　hated　〃affection〃；　whereas；　when　strangers　were　present；　Katenka　was　always　particularly　endearing　to　Mimi；　and　loved　to　walk　about　the　room　arm　in　arm　with　another　girl。　Likewise；　though　Lubotshka　was　a　terrible　giggler；　and　sometimes　ran　about　the　room　in　convulsions　of　gesticulating　laughter；　Katenka　always　covered　her　mouth　with　her　hands　or　her　pocket…handkerchief　when　she　wanted　to　laugh。　Lubotshka；　again；　loved　to　have　grown…up　men　to　talk　to；　and　said　that　some　day　she　meant　to　marry　a　hussar；　but　Katenka　always　pretended　that　all　men　were　horrid；　and　that　she　never　meant　to　marry　any　one　of　them；　while　as　soon　as　a　male　visitor　addressed　her　she　changed　completely；　as　though　she　were　nervous　of　something。　Likewise；　Lubotshka　was　continually　at　loggerheads　with　Mimi　because　the　latter　wanted　her　to　have　her　stays　so　tight　that　she　could　not　breathe　or　eat　or　drink　in　comfort；　while　Katenka；　on　the　contrary；　would　often　insert　her　finger　into　her　waistband　to　show　how　loose　it　was；　and　always　ate　very　little。　Lubotshka　liked　to　draw　heads；　Katenka　only　flowers　and　butterflies。　The　former　could　play　Field's　concertos　and　Beethoven's　sonatas　excellently；　whereas　the　latter　indulged　in　variations　and　waltzes；　retarded　the　time；　and　used　the　pedals　continuouslynot　to　mention　the　fact　that；　before　she　began；　she　invariably　struck　three　chords　in　arpeggio。

Nevertheless；　in　those　days　I　thought　Katenka　much　the　grander　person　of　the　two；　and　liked　her　the　best。



XXII。　PAPA

Papa　had　been　in　a　particularly　good　humour　ever　since　Woloda　had　passed　into　the　University；　and　came　much　oftener　to　dine　with　Grandmamma。　However；　I　knew　from　Nicola　that　he　had　won　a　great　deal　lately。　Occasionally；　he　would　come　and　sit　with　us　in　the　evening　before　going　to　the　club。　He　used　to　sit　down　to　the　piano　and　bid　us　group　ourselves　around　him；　after　which　he　would　beat　time　with　his　thin　boots　（he　detested　heels；　and　never　wore　them）；　and　make　us　sing　gipsy　songs。　At　such　times　you　should　have　seen　the　quaint　enthusiasm　of　his　beloved　Lubotshka；　who　adored　him！

Sometimes；　again；　he　would　come　to　the　schoolroom　and　listen　with　a　grave　face　as　I　said　my　lessons；　yet　by　the　few　words　which　he　would　let　drop　when　correcting　me；　I　could　see　that　he　knew　even　less　about　the　subject　than　I　did。　Not　infrequently；　too；　he　would　wink　at　us　and　make　secret　signs　when　Grandmamma　was　beginning　to　scold　us　and　find　fault　with　us　all　round。　〃So　much　for　us　children！〃　he　would　say。　On　the　whole；　however；　the　impossible　pinnacle　upon　which　my　childish　imagination　had　placed　him　had　undergone　a　certain　abasement。　I　still　kissed　his　large　white　hand　with　a　certain　feeling　of　love　and　respect；　but　I　also　allowed　myself　to　think　about　him　and　to　criticise　his　behaviour　until　involuntarily　thoughts　occurred　to　me　which　alarmed　me　by　their　presence。　Never　shall　I　forget　one　incident　in　particular　which　awakened　thoughts　of　this　kind；　and　caused　me　intense　astonishment。　Late　one　evening；　he　entered　the　drawing…room　in　his　black　dress…coat　and　white　waistcoat；　to　take　Woloda　（who　was　still　dressing　in　his　bedroom）　to　a　ball。　Grandmamma　was　also　in　her　bedroom；　but　had　given　orders　that；　before　setting　out；　Woloda　was　to　come　and　say　goodbye　to　her　（it　was　her　invariable　custom　to　inspect　him　before　he　went　to　a　ball；　and　to　bless　him　and　direct　him　as　to　his　behaviour）。　The　room　where　we　were　was　lighted　by　a　solitary　lamp。　Mimi　and　Katenka　were　walking　up　and　down；　and　Lubotshka　was　playing　Field's　Second　Concerto　（Mamma's　favourite　piece）　at　the　piano。　Never　was　there　such　a　family　likeness　as　between　Mamma　and　my　sisternot　so　much　in　the　face　or　the　stature　as　in　the　hands；　the　walk；　the　voice；　the　favourite　expressions；　and；　above　all；　the　way　of　playing　the　piano　and　the　whole　demeanour　at　the　instrument。　Lubotshka　always　arranged　her　dress　when　sitting　down　just　as　Mamma　had　done；　as　well　as　turned　the　leaves　like　her；　tapped　her　fingers　angrily　and　said　〃Dear　me！〃　whenever　a　difficult　passage　did　not　go　smoothly；　and；　in　particular；　played　with　the　delicacy　and　exquisite　purity　of　touch　which　in　those　days　caused　the　execution　of　Field's　music　to　be　known　characteristically　as　〃jeu　perle〃　and　to　lie　beyond　comparison　with　the　humbug　of　our　modern　virtuosi。

Papa　entered　the　room　with　short；　soft　steps；　and　approached　Lubotshka。　On　seeing　him　she　stopped　playing。

〃No；　go　on；　Luba；　go　on；〃　he　said　as　he　forced　her　to　sit　down　again。　She　went　on　playing；　while　Papa；　his　head　on　his　hand；　sat　near　her　for　a　while。　Then　suddenly　he　gave　his　shoulders　a　shrug；　and；　rising；　began　to　pace　the　room。　Every　time　that　he　approached　the　piano　he　halted　for　a　moment　and　looked　fixedly　at　Lubotshka。　By　his　walk　and　his　every　movement；　I　could　see　that　he　was　greatly　agitated。　Once；　when　he　stopped　behind　Lubotshka；　he　kissed　her　black　hair；　and　then；　wheeling　quickly　round；　resumed　his　pacing。　The　piece　finished；　Lubotshka　went　up　to　him　and　said；　〃Was　it　well　played？〃　whereupon；　without　answering；　he　took　her　head　in　his　two　hands；　and　kissed　her　forehead　and　eyes　with　such　tenderness　as　I　had　never　before　seen　him　display。

〃Why；　you　are　crying！〃　cried　Lubotshka　suddenly　as　she　ceased　to　toy　with　his　watch…chain　and　stared　at　him　with　her　great　black　eyes。　〃Pardon　me；　darling　Papa！　I　had　quite　forgotten　that　it　was　dear　Mamma's　piece　which　I　was　playing。〃

〃No；　no；　my　love；　play　it　often；〃　he　said　in　a　voice　trembling　with　emotion。　〃Ah；　if　you　only　knew　how　much　good　it　does　me　to　share　your　tears！〃

He　kissed　her　again；　and　then；　mastering　his　feelings　and　shrugging　his　shoulders；　went　to　the　door　leading　to　the　corridor　which　ran　past　Woloda's　room。

〃Waldemar；　shall　you　be　ready　soon？〃　he　cried；　halting　in　the　middle　of　the　passage。　Just　then　Masha　came　along。

〃Why；　you　look　prettier　every　day；〃　he　said　to　her。　She　blushed　and　passed　on。

〃Waldemar；　shall　you　be　ready　soon？〃　he　cried　again；　with　a　cough　and　a　shake　of　his　shoulders；　just　as　Masha　slipped　away　and　he　first　caught　sight　of　me。

I　loved　Papa；　but　the　intellect　is　independent　of　the　heart；　and　often　gives　birth　to　thoughts　which　offend　and　are　harsh　and　incomprehensible　to　the　feelings。　And　it　was　thoughts　of　this　kind　that；　for　all　I　strove　to　put　them　away；　arose　at　that　moment　in　my　mind。



XXIII。　GRANDMAMMA

Grandmamma　was　growing　weaker　every　day。　Her　bell；　Gasha's　grumbling　voice；　and　the　slamming　of　doors　in　her　room　were　sounds　of　constant　occurrence；　and　she　no　longer　received　us　sitting　in　the　Voltairian　arm…chair　in　her　boudoir；　but　lying　on　the　bed　in　her　bedroom；　supported　on　lace…trimmed　cushions。　One　day　when　she　greeted　us；　I　noticed　a　yellowish…white　swelling　on　her　hand；　and　smelt　the　same　oppressive　odour　which　I　had　smelt　five　years　ago　in　Mamma's　room。　The　doctor　came　three　times　a　day；　and　there　had　been　more　than　one　consultation。　Yet　the　character　of　her　haughty；　ceremonious　bearing　towards　all　who　lived　with　her；　and　particularly　towards　Papa；　never　changed　in　the　least。　She　went　on　emphasising　certain　words；　raising　her　eyebrows；　and　saying　〃my　dear；〃　just　as　she　had　always　done。

Then　for　a　few　days　we　did　not　see　her　at　all；　and　one　morning　St。　Jerome　proposed　to　me　that　Woloda　and　I　should　take　Katenka　and　Lubotshka　for　a　drive　during　the　hours　generally　allotted　to　study。　Although　I　observed　that　the　street　was　lined　with　straw　under　the　windows　of　Grandmamma's　room；　and　that　some　men　in　blue　stockings　＇Undertaker's　men。＇　were　standing　at　our　gate；　the　reason　never　dawned　upon　me　why　we　were　being　sent　out　at　that　unusual　hour。　Throughout　the　drive　Lubotshka　and　I　were　in　that　particularly　merry　mood　when　the　least　trifle；　the　least　word　or　movement；　sets　one　off　laughing。

A　pedlar　went　trotting　across　the　road　with　a　tray；　and　we　laughed。　Some　ragged　cabmen；　brandishing　their　reins　and　driving　at　full　speed；　overtook　our　sledge；　and　we　laughed　again。　Next；　Philip's　whip　got　caught　in　the　side　of　the　vehicle；　and　the　way　in　which　he　said；　〃Bother　the　thing！〃　as　he　drove　to　disentangle　it　almost　killed　us　with　mirth。　Mimi　looked　displeased；　and　said　that　only　silly　people　laughed　for　no　reason　at　all；　but　Lubotshkaher　face　purple　with　suppressed　merrimentneeded　but　to　give　me　a　sly　glance；　and　we　again　burst　out　into　such　Homeric　laughter；　when　our　eyes　met；　that　the　tears　rushed　into　them　and　we　could　not　stop　our　paroxysms；　although　they　nearly　choked　us。　Hardly；　again；　had　we　desisted　a　little　when　I　looked　at　Lubotshka　once　more；　and　gave　vent　to　one　of　the　slang　words　which　we　then　affected　among　ourselveswords　which　always　called　forth　hilarity；　and　in　a　moment　we　were　laughing　again。

Just　as　we　reached　home；　I　was　opening　my　mouth　to　make　a　splendid　grimace　at　Lubotshka　when　my　eye　fell　upon　a　black　coffin…cover　which　was　leaning　agains