boyhood-第13节

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〃There！〃　she　muttered　with　a　gesture　of　her　hands。　〃Try　to　please　people　when　even　they　themselves　do　not　know　what　they　want；　and　it　is　a　cursed　lifesheer　hard　labour；　and　nothing　else！　If　only　a　certain　thing　would　happen！though　God　forgive　me　for　thinking　it！〃

〃Good　evening；　Agatha　Michaelovna；〃　said　Basil；　rising　to　greet　her。

〃You　here？〃　she　answered　brusquely　as　she　stared　at　him；　〃That　is　not　very　much　to　your　credit。　What　do　you　come　here　for？　Is　the　maids'　room　a　proper　place　for　men？〃

〃I　wanted　to　see　how　you　were；〃　said　Basil　soothingly。

〃I　shall　soon　be　breathing　my　lastTHAT'S　how　I　am！〃　cried　Gasha；　still　greatly　incensed。

Basil　laughed。

〃Oh；　there's　nothing　to　laugh　at　when　I　say　that　I　shall　soon　be　dead。　But　that's　how　it　will　be；　all　the　same。　Just　look　at　the　drunkard！　Marry　her；　would　he？　The　fool！　Come；　get　out　of　here！〃　and；　with　a　stamp　of　her　foot　on　the　floor；　Gasha　retreated　to　her　own　room；　and　banged　the　door　behind　her　until　the　window　rattled　again。　For　a　while　she　could　be　heard　scolding　at　everything；　flinging　dresses　and　other　things　about；　and　pulling　the　ears　of　her　favourite　cat。　Then　the　door　opened　again；　and　puss；　mewing　pitifully；　was　flung　forth　by　the　tail。

〃I　had　better　come　another　time　for　tea；〃　said　Basil　in　a　whisper〃at　some　better　time　for　our　meeting。〃

〃No；　no！〃　put　in　Madesha。　〃I'll　go　and　fetch　the　urn　at　once。〃

〃I　mean　to　put　an　end　to　things　soon；〃　went　on　Basil；　seating　himself　beside　Masha　as　soon　as　ever　Madesha　had　left　the　room。　〃I　had　much　better　go　straight　to　the　Countess；　and　say　'so…and…　so'　or　I　will　throw　up　my　situation　and　go　off　into　the　world。　Oh　dear；　oh　dear！〃

〃And　am　I　to　remain　here？〃

〃Ah；　there's　the　difficultythat's　what　I　feel　so　badly　about；　You　have　been　my　sweetheart　so　long；　you　see。　Ah；　dear　me！〃

〃Why　don't　you　bring　me　your　shirts　to　wash；　Basil？〃　asked　Masha　after　a　pause；　during　which　she　had　been　inspecting　his　wrist…　bands。

At　this　moment　Grandmamma's　bell　rang；　and　Gasha　issued　from　her　room　again；

〃What　do　you　want　with　her；　you　impudent　fellow？〃　she　cried　as　she　pushed　Basil　（who　had　risen　at　her　entrance）　before　her　towards　the　door。　〃First　you　lead　a　girl　on；　and　then　you　want　to　lead　her　further　still。　I　suppose　it　amuses　you　to　see　her　tears。　There's　the　door；　now。　Off　you　go！　We　want　your　room；　not　your　company。　And　what　good　can　you　see　in　him？〃　she　went　on；　turning　to　Masha。　〃Has　not　your　uncle　been　walking　into　you　to…day　already？　No；　she　must　stick　to　her　promise；　forsooth！　'I　will　have　no　one　but　Basil；'　Fool　that　you　are！〃

〃Yes；　I　WILL　have　no　one　but　him！　I'll　never　love　any　one　else！　I　could　kill　myself　for　him！〃　poor　Masha　burst　out；　the　tears　suddenly　gushing　forth。

For　a　while　I　stood　watching　her　as　she　wiped　away　those　tears。　Then　I　fell　to　contemplating　Basil　attentively；　in　the　hope　of　finding　out　what　there　was　in　him　that　she　found　so　attractive；　yet；　though　I　sympathised　with　her　sincerely　in　her　grief；　I　could　not　for　the　life　of　me　understand　how　such　a　charming　creature　as　I　considered　her　to　be　could　love　a　man　like　him。

〃When　I　become　a　man；〃　I　thought　to　myself　as　I　returned　to　my　room；　〃Petrovskoe　shall　be　mine；　and　Basil　and　Masha　my　servants。　Some　day；　when　I　am　sitting　in　my　study　and　smoking　a　pipe；　Masha　will　chance　to　pass　the　door　on　her　way　to　the　kitchen　with　an　iron；　and　I　shall　say；　'Masha；　come　here；'　and　she　will　enter；　and　there　will　be　no　one　else　in　the　room。　Then　suddenly　Basil　too　will　enter；　and；　on　seeing　her；　will　cry；　'My　sweetheart　is　lost　to　me！'　and　Masha　will　begin　to　weep；　Then　I　shall　say；　'Basil；　I　know　that　you　love　her；　and　that　she　loves　you。　Here　are　a　thousand　roubles　for　you。　Marry　her；　and　may　God　grant　you　both　happiness！'　Then　I　shall　leave　them　together。〃

Among　the　countless　thoughts　and　fancies　which　pass；　without　logic　or　sequence；　through　the　mind　and　the　imagination；　there　are　always　some　which　leave　behind　them　a　mark　so　profound　that；　without　remembering　their　exact　subject；　we　can　at　least　recall　that　something　good　has　passed　through　our　brain；　and　try　to　retain　and　reproduce　its　effect。　Such　was　the　mark　left　upon　my　consciousness　by　the　idea　of　sacrificing　my　feelings　to　Masha's　happiness；　seeing　that　she　believed　that　she　could　attain　it　only　through　a　union　with　Basil。



XIX。　BOYHOOD

PERHAPS　people　will　scarcely　believe　me　when　I　tell　them　what　were　the　dearest；　most　constant；　objects　of　my　reflections　during　my　boyhood；　so　little　did　those　objects　consort　with　my　age　and　position。　Yet；　in　my　opinion；　contrast　between　a　man's　actual　position　and　his　moral　activity　constitutes　the　most　reliable　sign　of　his　genuineness。

During　the　period　when　I　was　leading　a　solitary　and　self…centred　moral　life；　I　was　much　taken　up　with　abstract　thoughts　on　man's　destiny；　on　a　future　life；　and　on　the　immortality　of　the　soul；　and；　with　all　the　ardour　of　inexperience；　strove　to　make　my　youthful　intellect　solve　those　questionsthe　questions　which　constitute　the　highest　level　of　thought　to　which　the　human　intellect　can　tend；　but　a　final　decision　of　which　the　human　intellect　can　never　succeed　in　attaining。

I　believe　the　intellect　to　take　the　same　course　of　development　in　the　individual　as　in　the　mass；　as　also　that　the　thoughts　which　serve　as　a　basis　for　philosophical　theories　are　an　inseparable　part　of　that　intellect；　and　that　every　man　must　be　more　or　less　conscious　of　those　thoughts　before　he　can　know　anything　of　the　existence　of　philosophical　theories。　To　my　own　mind　those　thoughts　presented　themselves　with　such　clarity　and　force　that　I　tried　to　apply　them　to　life；　in　the　fond　belief　that　I　was　the　first　to　have　discovered　such　splendid　and　invaluable　truths。

Sometimes　I　would　suppose　that　happiness　depends；　not　upon　external　causes　themselves；　but　only　upon　our　relation　to　them；　and　that；　provided　a　man　can　accustom　himself　to　bearing　suffering；　he　need　never　be　unhappy。　To　prove　the　latter　hypothesis；　I　would　（despite　the　horrible　pain）　hold　out　a　Tatistchev's　dictionary　at　arm's　length　for　five　minutes　at　a　time；　or　else　go　into　the　store…room　and　scourge　my　back　with　cords　until　the　tears　involuntarily　came　to　my　eyes！

Another　time；　suddenly　bethinking　me　that　death　might　find　me　at　any　hour　or　any　minute；　I　came　to　the　conclusion　that　man　could　only　be　happy　by　using　the　present　to　the　full　and　taking　no　thought　for　the　future。　Indeed；　I　wondered　how　people　had　never　found　that　out　before。　Acting　under　the　influence　of　the　new　idea；　I　laid　my　lesson…books　aside　for　two　or　three　days；　and；　reposing　on　my　bed；　gave　myself　up　to　novel…reading　and　the　eating　of　gingerbread…and…honey　which　I　had　bought　with　my　last　remaining　coins。

Again；　standing　one　day　before　the　blackboard　and　smearing　figures　on　it　with　honey；　I　was　struck　with　the　thought；　〃Why　is　symmetry　so　agreeable　to　the　eye？　What　is　symmetry？　Of　course　it　is　an　innate　sense；〃　I　continued；　〃yet　what　is　its　basis？　Perhaps　everything　in　life　is　symmetry？　But　no。　On　the　contrary；　this　is　life〃and　I　drew　an　oblong　figure　on　the　board〃and　after　life　the　soul　passes　to　eternity〃here　I　drew　a　line　from　one　end　of　the　oblong　figure　to　the　edge　of　the　board。　〃Why　should　there　not　be　a　corresponding　line　on　the　other　side？　If　there　be　an　eternity　on　one　side；　there　must　surely　be　a　corresponding　one　on　the　other？　That　means　that　we　have　existed　in　a　previous　life；　but　have　lost　the　recollection　of　it。〃

This　conclusionwhich　seemed　to　me　at　the　time　both　clear　and　novel；　but　the　arguments　for　which　it　would　be　difficult　for　me；　at　this　distance　of　time；　to　piece　togetherpleased　me　extremely；　so　I　took　a　piece　of　paper　and　tried　to　write　it　down。　But　at　the　first　attempt　such　a　rush　of　other　thoughts　came　whirling　though　my　brain　that　I　was　obliged　to　jump　up　and　pace　the　room。　At　the　window；　my　attention　was　arrested　by　a　driver　harnessing　a　horse　to　a　water…cart；　and　at　once　my　mind　concentrated　itself　upon　the　decision　of　the　question；　〃Into　what　animal　or　human　being　will　the　spirit　of　that　horse　pass　at　death？〃　Just　at　that　moment；　Woloda　passed　through　the　room；　and　smiled　to　see　me　absorbed　in　speculative　thoughts。　His　smile　at　once　made　me　feel　that　all　that　I　had　been　thinking　about　was　utter　nonsense。

I　have　related　all　this　as　I　recollect　it　in　order　to　show　the　reader　the　nature　of　my　cogitations。　No　philosophical　theory　attracted　me　so　much　as　scepticism；　which　at　one　period　brought　me　to　a　state　of　mind　verging　upon　insanity。　I　took　the　fancy　into　my　head　that　no　one　nor　anything　really　existed　in　the　world　except　myselfthat　objects　were　not　objects　at　all；　but　that　images　of　them　became　manifest　only　so　soon　as　I　turned　my　attention　upon　them；　and　vanished　again　directly　that　I　ceased　to　think　about　them。　In　short；　this　idea　of　mine　（that　real　objects　do　not　exist；　but　only　one's　conception　of　them）　brought　me　to　Schelling's　well…known　theory。　There　were　moments　when　the　influence　of　this　idea　led　me　to　such　vagaries　as；　for　instance；　turning　sharply　round；　in　the　hope　that　by　the　suddenness　of　the　movement　I　should　come　in　contact　with　the　void　which　I　believed　to　be　existing　where　I　myself　purported　to　be！

What　a　pitiful　spring　of　moral　activi