boyhood-第12节

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faction　in　doing　harm　to　a　fellow…creature；　but　the　hatred　which　consists　of　an　unconquerable　aversion　to　a　person　who　may　be　wholly　deserving　of　your　esteem；　yet　whose　very　hair；　neck；　walk；　voice；　limbs；　movements；　and　everything　else　are　disgusting　to　you；　while　all　the　while　an　incomprehensible　force　attracts　you　towards　him；　and　compels　you　to　follow　his　slightest　acts　with　anxious　attention。

This　was　the　feeling　which　I　cherished　for　St。　Jerome；　who　had　lived　with　us　now　for　a　year　and　a　half。

Judging　coolly　of　the　man　at　this　time　of　day；　I　find　that　he　was　a　true　Frenchman；　but　a　Frenchman　in　the　better　acceptation　of　the　term。　He　was　fairly　well　educated；　and　fulfilled　his　duties　to　us　conscientiously；　but　he　had　the　peculiar　features　of　fickle　egotism；　boastfulness；　impertinence；　and　ignorant　self…assurance　which　are　common　to　all　his　countrymen；　as　well　as　entirely　opposed　to　the　Russian　character；

All　this　set　me　against　him；　Grandmamma　had　signified　to　him　her　dislike　for　corporal　punishment；　and　therefore　he　dared　not　beat　us；　but　he　frequently　THREATENED　us；　particularly　myself；　with　the　cane；　and　would　utter　the　word　fouetter　as　though　it　were　fouatter　in　an　expressive　and　detestable　way　which　always　gave　me　the　idea　that　to　whip　me　would　afford　him　the　greatest　possible　satisfaction。

I　was　not　in　the　least　afraid　of　the　bodily　pain；　for　I　had　never　experienced　it。　It　was　the　mere　idea　that　he　could　beat　me　that　threw　me　into　such　paroxysms　of　wrath　and　despair。

True；　Karl　Ivanitch　sometimes　（in　moments　of　exasperation）　had　recourse　to　a　ruler　or　to　his　braces；　but　that　I　can　look　back　upon　without　anger。　Even　if　he　had　struck　me　at　the　time　of　which　I　am　now　speaking　（namely；　when　I　was　fourteen　years　old）；　I　should　have　submitted　quietly　to　the　correction；　for　I　loved　him；　and　had　known　him　all　my　life；　and　looked　upon　him　as　a　member　of　our　family；　but　St。　Jerome　was　a　conceited；　opinionated　fellow　for　whom　I　felt　merely　the　unwilling　respect　which　I　entertained　for　all　persons　older　than　myself。　Karl　Ivanitch　was　a　comical　old　〃Uncle〃　whom　I　loved　with　my　whole　heart；　but　who；　according　to　my　childish　conception　of　social　distinctions；　ranked　below　us；　whereas　St。　Jerome　was　a　well…educated；　handsome　young　dandy　who　was　for　showing　himself　the　equal　of　any　one。

Karl　Ivanitch　had　always　scolded　and　punished　us　coolly；　as　though　he　thought　it　a　necessary；　but　extremely　disagreeable；　duty。　St。　Jerome；　on　the　contrary；　always　liked　to　emphasise　his　part　as　JUDGE　when　correcting　us；　and　clearly　did　it　as　much　for　his　own　satisfaction　as　for　our　good。　He　loved　authority。　Nevertheless；　I　always　found　his　grandiloquent　French　phrases　（which　he　pronounced　with　a　strong　emphasis　on　all　the　final　syllables）　inexpressibly　disgusting；　whereas　Karl；　when　angry；　had　never　said　anything　beyond；　〃What　a　foolish　puppet…comedy　it　is！〃　or　〃You　boys　are　as　irritating　as　Spanish　fly！〃　（which　he　always　called　〃Spaniard〃　fly）。　St。　Jerome；　however；　had　names　for　us　like　〃mauvais　sujet；〃　〃villain；〃　〃garnement；〃　and　so　forth　epithets　which　greatly　offended　my　self…respect。　When　Karl　Ivanitch　ordered　us　to　kneel　in　the　corner　with　our　faces　to　the　wall；　the　punishment　consisted　merely　in　the　bodily　discomfort　of　the　position；　whereas　St。　Jerome；　in　such　cases；　always　assumed　a　haughty　air；　made　a　grandiose　gesture　with　his　hand；　and　exclaiming　in　a　pseudo…tragic　tone；　〃A　genoux；　mauvais　sujet！〃　ordered　us　to　kneel　with　our　faces　towards　him；　and　to　crave　his　pardon。　His　punishment　consisted　in　humiliation。

However；　on　the　present　occasion　the　punishment　never　came；　nor　was　the　matter　ever　referred　to　again。　Yet；　I　could　not　forget　all　that　I　had　gone　throughthe　shame；　the　fear；　and　the　hatred　of　those　two　days。　From　that　time　forth；　St。　Jerome　appeared　to　give　me　up　in　despair；　and　took　no　further　trouble　with　me；　yet　I　could　not　bring　myself　to　treat　him　with　indifference。　Every　time　that　our　eyes　met　I　felt　that　my　look　expressed　only　too　plainly　my　dislike；　and；　though　I　tried　hard　to　assume　a　careless　air；　he　seemed　to　divine　my　hypocrisy；　until　I　was　forced　to　blush　and　turn　away。

In　short；　it　was　a　terrible　trial　to　me　to　have　anything　to　do　with　him。



XVIII。　THE　MAIDSERVANTS'　ROOM

I　BEGAN　to　feel　more　and　more　lonely；　until　my　chief　solace　lay　in　solitary　reflection　and　observation。　Of　the　favourite　subject　of　my　reflections　I　shall　speak　in　the　next　chapter。　The　scene　where　I　indulged　in　them　was；　for　preference；　the　maidservants'　room；　where　a　plot　suitable　for　a　novel　was　in　progressa　plot　which　touched　and　engrossed　me　to　the　highest　degree。　The　heroine　of　the　romance　was；　of　course；　Masha。　She　was　in　love　with　Basil；　who　had　known　her　before　she　had　become　a　servant　in　our　house；　and　who　had　promised　to　marry　her　some　day。　Unfortunately；　fate；　which　had　separated　them　five　years　ago；　and　afterwards　reunited　them　in　Grandmamma's　abode；　next　proceeded　to　interpose　an　obstacle　between　them　in　the　shape　of　Masha's　uncle；　our　man　Nicola；　who　would　not　hear　of　his　niece　marrying　that　〃uneducated　and　unbearable　fellow；〃　as　he　called　Basil。　One　effect　of　the　obstacle　had　been　to　make　the　otherwise　slightly　cool　and　indifferent　Basil　fall　as　passionately　in　love　with　Masha　as　it　is　possible　for　a　man　to　be　who　is　only　a　servant　and　a　tailor；　wears　a　red　shirt；　and　has　his　hair　pomaded。　Although　his　methods　of　expressing　his　affection　were　odd　（for　instance；　whenever　he　met　Masha　he　always　endeavoured　to　inflict　upon　her　some　bodily　pain；　either　by　pinching　her；　giving　her　a　slap　with　his　open　hand；　or　squeezing　her　so　hard　that　she　could　scarcely　breathe）；　that　affection　was　sincere　enough；　and　he　proved　it　by　the　fact　that；　from　the　moment　when　Nicola　refused　him　his　niece's　hand；　his　grief　led　him　to　drinking；　and　to　frequenting　taverns；　until　he　proved　so　unruly　that　more　than　once　he　had　to　be　sent　to　undergo　a　humiliating　chastisement　at　the　police…station。

Nevertheless；　these　faults　of　his　and　their　consequences　only　served　to　elevate　him　in　Masha's　eyes；　and　to　increase　her　love　for　him。　Whenever　he　was　in　the　hands　of　the　police；　she　would　sit　crying　the　whole　day；　and　complain　to　Gasha　of　her　hard　fate　（Gasha　played　an　active　part　in　the　affairs　of　these　unfortunate　lovers）。　Then；　regardless　of　her　uncle's　anger　and　blows；　she　would　stealthily　make　her　way　to　the　police…station；　there　to　visit　and　console　her　swain。

Excuse　me；　reader；　for　introducing　you　to　such　company。　Nevertheless；　if　the　cords　of　love　and　compassion　have　not　wholly　snapped　in　your　soul；　you　will　find；　even　in　that　maidservants'　room；　something　which　may　cause　them　to　vibrate　again。

So；　whether　you　please　to　follow　me　or　not；　I　will　return　to　the　alcove　on　the　staircase　whence　I　was　able　to　observe　all　that　passed　in　that　room。　From　my　post　I　could　see　the　stove…couch；　with；　upon　it；　an　iron；　an　old　cap…stand　with　its　peg　bent　crooked；　a　wash…tub；　and　a　basin。　There；　too；　was　the　window；　with；　in　fine　disorder　before　it；　a　piece　of　black　wax；　some　fragments　of　silk；　a　half…eaten　cucumber；　a　box　of　sweets；　and　so　on。　There；　too；　was　the　large　table　at　which　SHE　used　to　sit　in　the　pink　cotton　dress　which　I　admired　so　much　and　the　blue　handkerchief　which　always　caught　my　attention　so。　She　would　be　sewing…though　interrupting　her　work　at　intervals　to　scratch　her　head　a　little；　to　bite　the　end　of　her　thread；　or　to　snuff　the　candleand　I　would　think　to　myself：　〃Why　was　she　not　born　a　ladyshe　with　her　blue　eyes；　beautiful　fair　hair；　and　magnificent　bust？　How　splendid　she　would　look　if　she　were　sitting　in　a　drawing…room　and　dressed　in　a　cap　with　pink　ribbons　and　a　silk　gownnot　one　like　Mimi's；　but　one　like　the　gown　which　I　saw　the　other　day　on　the　Tverski　Boulevard！〃　Yes；　she　would　work　at　the　embroidery…frame；　and　I　would　sit　and　look　at　her　in　the　mirror；　and　be　ready　to　do　whatsoever　she　wantedto　help　her　on　with　her　mantle　or　to　hand　her　food。　As　for　Basil's　drunken　face　and　horrid　figure　in　the　scanty　coat　with　the　red　shirt　showing　beneath　it；　well；　in　his　every　gesture；　in　his　every　movement　of　his　back；　I　seemed　always　to　see　signs　of　the　humiliating　chastisements　which　he　had　undergone。

〃Ah；　Basil！　AGAIN？〃　cried　Masha　on　one　occasion　as　she　stuck　her　needle　into　the　pincushion；　but　without　looking　up　at　the　person　who　was　entering。

〃What　is　the　good　of　a　man　like　HIM？〃　was　Basil's　first　remark。

〃Yes。　If　only　he　would　say　something　DECISIVE！　But　I　am　powerless　in　the　matterI　am　all　at　odds　and　ends；　and　through　his　fault；　too。〃

〃Will　you　have　some　tea？〃　put　in　Madesha　（another　servant）。

〃No；　thank　you。But　why　does　he　hate　me　so；　that　old　thief　of　an　uncle　of　yours？　Why？　Is　it　because　of　the　clothes　I　wear；　or　of　my　height；　or　of　my　walk；　or　what？　Well；　damn　and　confound　him！〃　finished　Basil；　snapping　his　fingers。

〃We　must　be　patient；〃　said　Masha；　threading　her　needle。

〃You　are　so〃

〃It　is　my　nerves　that　won't　stand　it；　that's　all。〃

At　this　moment　the　door　of　Grandmamma's　room　banged；　and　Gasha's　angry　voice　could　be　heard　as　she　came　up　the　stairs。

〃There！〃　she　muttered　with　a　gesture　of　her　hands。　〃Try　to　please　people　when　even　they　themselves　do　not　know　what　they　want；　and　it　is　a　cursed　lifes