boyhood-第11节

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ary；〃　she　would　say。　〃There　can　be　happiness　here　without　that；〃and　I　should　feel　that　it　was　so；　and　we　should　ascend　together；　ever　higher　and　higher；　until

Suddenly　I　feel　as　though　I　am　being　thrown　down　again；　and　find　myself　sitting　on　the　trunk　in　the　dark　store…room　（my　cheeks　wet　with　tears　and　my　thoughts　in　a　mist）；　yet　still　repeating　the　words；　〃Let　us　ascend　together；　higher　and　higher。〃　Indeed；　it　was　a　long；　long　while　before　I　could　remember　where　I　was；　for　at　that　moment　my　mind's　eye　saw　only　a　dark；　dreadful；　illimitable　void。　I　tried　to　renew　the　happy；　consoling　dream　which　had　been　thus　interrupted　by　the　return　to　reality；　but；　to　my　surprise；　I　found　that；　as　soon　as　ever　I　attempted　to　re…enter　former　dreams；　their　continuation　became　impossible；　whilewhich　astonished　me　even　morethey　no　longer　gave　me　pleasure。



XVI。　〃KEEP　ON　GRINDING；　AND　YOU'LL　HAVE　FLOUR〃

I　PASSED　the　night　in　the　store…room；　and　nothing　further　happened；　except　that　on　the　following　morninga　SundayI　was　removed　to　a　small　chamber　adjoining　the　schoolroom；　and　once　more　shut　up。　I　began　to　hope　that　my　punishment　was　going　to　be　limited　to　confinement；　and　found　my　thoughts　growing　calmer　under　the　influence　of　a　sound；　soft　sleep；　the　clear　sunlight　playing　upon　the　frost　crystals　of　the　windowpanes；　and　the　familiar　noises　in　the　street。

Nevertheless；　solitude　gradually　became　intolerable。　I　wanted　to　move　about；　and　to　communicate　to　some　one　all　that　was　lying　upon　my　heart；　but　not　a　living　creature　was　near　me。　The　position　was　the　more　unpleasant　because；　willy…nilly；　I　could　hear　St。　Jerome　walking　about　in　his　room；　and　softly　whistling　some　hackneyed　tune。　Somehow；　I　felt　convinced　that　he　was　whistling　not　because　he　wanted　to；　but　because　he　knew　it　annoyed　me。

At　two　o'clock；　he　and　Woloda　departed　downstairs；　and　Nicola　brought　me　up　some　luncheon。　When　I　told　him　what　I　had　done　and　what　was　awaiting　me　he　said：

〃Pshaw；　sir！　Don't　be　alarmed。　'Keep　on　grinding；　and　you'll　have　flour。'〃

Although　this　expression　（which　also　in　later　days　has　more　than　once　helped　me　to　preserve　my　firmness　of　mind）　brought　me　a　little　comfort；　the　fact　that　I　received；　not　bread　and　water　only；　but　a　whole　luncheon；　and　even　dessert；　gave　me　much　to　think　about。　If　they　had　sent　me　no　dessert；　it　would　have　meant　that　my　punishment　was　to　be　limited　to　confinement；　whereas　it　was　now　evident　that　I　was　looked　upon　as　not　yet　punishedthat　I　was　only　being　kept　away　from　the　others；　as　an　evil…doer；　until　the　due　time　of　punishment。　While　I　was　still　debating　the　question；　the　key　of　my　prison　turned；　and　St。　Jerome　entered　with　a　severe；　official　air。

〃Come　down　and　see　your　Grandmamma；〃　he　said　without　looking　at　me。

I　should　have　liked　first　to　have　brushed　my　jacket；　since　it　was　covered　with　dust；　but　St。　Jerome　said　that　that　was　quite　unnecessary；　since　I　was　in　such　a　deplorable　moral　condition　that　my　exterior　was　not　worth　considering。　As　he　led　me　through　the　salon；　Katenka；　Lubotshka；　and　Woloda　looked　at　me　with　much　the　same　expression　as　we　were　wont　to　look　at　the　convicts　who　on　certain　days　filed　past　my　grandmother's　house。　Likewise；　when　I　approached　Grandmamma's　arm…chair　to　kiss　her　hand；　she　withdrew　it；　and　thrust　it　under　her　mantilla。

〃Well；　my　dear；〃　she　began　after　a　long　pause；　during　which　she　regarded　me　from　head　to　foot　with　the　kind　of　expression　which　makes　one　uncertain　where　to　look　or　what　to　do；　〃I　must　say　that　you　seem　to　value　my　love　very　highly；　and　afford　me　great　consolation。〃　Then　she　went　on；　with　an　emphasis　on　each　word；　〃Monsieur　St。　Jerome；　who；　at　my　request；　undertook　your　education；　says　that　he　can　no　longer　remain　in　the　house。　And　why？　Simply　because　of　you。〃　Another　pause　ensued。　Presently　she　continued　in　a　tone　which　clearly　showed　that　her　speech　had　been　prepared　beforehand；　〃I　had　hoped　that　you　would　be　grateful　for　all　his　care；　and　for　all　the　trouble　that　he　has　taken　with　you；　that　you　would　have　appreciated　his　services；　but　youyou　baby；　you　silly　boy！you　actually　dare　to　raise　your　hand　against　him！　Very　well；　very　good。　I　am　beginning　to　think　that　you　cannot　understand　kind　treatment；　but　require　to　be　treated　in　a　very　different　and　humiliating　fashion。　Go　now　directly　and　beg　his　pardon；〃　she　added　in　a　stern　and　peremptory　tone　as　she　pointed　to　St。　Jerome；　〃Do　you　hear　me？〃

I　followed　the　direction　of　her　finger　with　my　eye；　but　on　that　member　alighting　upon　St。　Jerome's　coat；　I　turned　my　head　away；　and　once　more　felt　my　heart　beating　violently　as　I　remained　where　I　was。

〃What？　Did　you　not　hear　me　when　I　told　you　what　to　do？〃

I　was　trembling　all　over；　but　I　would　not　stir。

〃Koko；〃　went　on　my　grandmother；　probably　divining　my　inward　sufferings；　〃Koko；〃　she　repeated　in　a　voice　tender　rather　than　harsh；　〃is　this　you？〃

〃Grandmamma；　I　cannot　beg　his　pardon　for〃　and　I　stopped　suddenly；　for　I　felt　the　next　word　refuse　to　come　for　the　tears　that　were　choking　me。

〃But　I　ordered　you；　I　begged　of　you；　to　do　so。　What　is　the　matter　with　you？〃

〃I…I…I　will　notI　cannot！〃　I　gasped；　and　the　tears；　long　pent　up　and　accumulated　in　my　breast；　burst　forth　like　a　stream　which　breaks　its　dikes　and　goes　flowing　madly　over　the　country。

〃C'est　ainsi　que　vous　obeissez　a　votre　seconde　mere；　c'est　ainsi　que　vous　reconnaissez　ses　bontes！〃　remarked　St。　Jerome　quietly；　〃A　genoux！〃

〃Good　God！　If　SHE　had　seen　this！〃　exclaimed　Grandmamma；　turning　from　me　and　wiping　away　her　tears。　〃If　she　had　seen　this！　It　may　be　all　for　the　best；　yet　she　could　never　have　survived　such　griefnever！〃　and　Grandmamma　wept　more　and　more。　I　too　wept；　but　it　never　occurred　to　me　to　ask　for　pardon。

〃Tranquillisez…vous　au　nom　du　ciel；　Madame　la　Comtesse；〃　said　St。　Jerome；　but　Grandmamma　heard　him　not。　She　covered　her　face　with　her　hands；　and　her　sobs　soon　passed　to　hiccups　and　hysteria。　Mimi　and　Gasha　came　running　in　with　frightened　faces；　salts　and　spirits　were　applied；　and　the　whole　house　was　soon　in　a　ferment。

〃You　may　feel　pleased　at　your　work；〃　said　St。　Jerome　to　me　as　he　led　me　from　the　room。

〃Good　God！　What　have　I　done？〃　I　thought　to　myself。　〃What　a　terribly　bad　boy　I　am！〃

As　soon　as　St。　Jerome；　bidding　me　go　into　his　room；　had　returned　to　Grandmamma；　I；　all　unconscious　of　what　I　was　doing；　ran　down　the　grand　staircase　leading　to　the　front　door。　Whether　I　intended　to　drown　myself；　or　whether　merely　to　run　away　from　home；　I　do　not　remember。　I　only　know　that　I　went　blindly　on；　my　face　covered　with　my　hands　that　I　might　see　nothing。

〃Where　are　you　going　to？〃　asked　a　well…known　voice。　〃I　want　you；　my　boy。〃

I　would　have　passed　on；　but　Papa　caught　hold　of　me；　and　said　sternly：

〃Come　here；　you　impudent　rascal。　How　could　you　dare　to　do　such　a　thing　as　to　touch　the　portfolio　in　my　study？〃　he　went　on　as　he　dragged　me　into　his　room。　〃Oh！　you　are　silent；　eh？〃　and　he　pulled　my　ear。

〃Yes；　I　WAS　naughty；〃　I　said。　〃I　don't　know　myself　what　came　over　me　then。〃

〃So　you　don't　know　what　came　over　youyou　don't　know；　you　don't　know？　〃　he　repeated　as　he　pulled　my　ear　harder　and　harder。　〃Will　you　go　and　put　your　nose　where　you　ought　not　to　againwill　you；　will　you？〃

Although　my　ear　was　in　great　pain；　I　did　not　cry；　but；　on　the　contrary；　felt　a　sort　of　morally　pleasing　sensation。　No　sooner　did　he　let　go　of　my　ear　than　I　seized　his　hand　and　covered　it　with　tears　and　kisses。

〃Please　whip　me！〃　I　cried；　sobbing。　〃Please　hurt　me　the　more　and　more；　for　I　am　a　wretched；　bad；　miserable　boy！〃

〃Why；　what　on　earth　is　the　matter　with　you？〃　he　said；　giving　me　a　slight　push　from　him。

〃No；　I　will　not　go　away！〃　I　continued；　seizing　his　coat。　〃Every　one　else　hates　meI　know　that；　but　do　YOU　listen　to　me　and　protect　me；　or　else　send　me　away　altogether。　I　cannot　live　with　HIM。　He　tries　to　humiliate　mehe　tells　me　to　kneel　before　him；　and　wants　to　strike　me。　I　can't　stand　it。　I'm　not　a　baby。　I　can't　stand　itI　shall　die；　I　shall　kill　myself。　HE　told　Grandmamma　that　I　was　naughty；　and　now　she　is　illshe　will　die　through　me。　It　is　all　his　fault。　Please　let　meW…why　should…he…tor…ment　me？〃

The　tears　choked　my　further　speech。　I　sat　down　on　the　sofa；　and；　with　my　head　buried　on　Papa's　knees；　sobbed　until　I　thought　I　should　die　of　grief。

〃Come；　come！　Why　are　you　such　a　water…pump？〃　said　Papa　compassionately；　as　he　stooped　over　me。

〃He　is　such　a　bully！　He　is　murdering　me！　I　shall　die！　Nobody　loves　me　at　all！〃　I　gasped　almost　inaudibly；　and　went　into　convulsions。

Papa　lifted　me　up；　and　carried　me　to　my　bedroom；　where　I　fell　asleep。

When　I　awoke　it　was　late。　Only　a　solitary　candle　burned　in　the　room；　while　beside　the　bed　there　were　seated　Mimi；　Lubotshka；　and　our　doctor。　In　their　faces　I　could　discern　anxiety　for　my　health；　so；　although　I　felt　so　well　after　my　twelve…hours'　sleep　that　I　could　have　got　up　directly；　I　thought　it　best　to　let　them　continue　thinking　that　I　was　unwell。



XVII。　HATRED

Yes；　it　was　the　real　feeling　of　hatred　that　was　mine　nownot　the　hatred　of　which　one　reads　in　novels；　and　in　the　existence　of　which　I　do　not　believethe　hatred　which　finds　satisfaction　in　doing　harm　to　a　fellow…creature；　but　the　hatred　which　consists　of　an　unconquerable　aversi