a room with a view-第36节

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exclaimed　indignantly：　〃I　see　it's　much　more　than　headaches。　But

give　me　a　moment's　time。〃　He　closed　his　eyes。　〃You　must　excuse　me

if　I　say　stupid　things；　but　my　brain　has　gone　to　pieces。　Part　of

it　lives　three　minutes　back；　when　I　was　sure　that　you　loved　me；

and　the　other　partI　find　it　difficultI　am　likely　to　say　the

wrong　thing。〃



It　struck　her　that　he　was　not　behaving　so　badly；　and　her

irritation　increased。　She　again　desired　a　struggle；　not　a

discussion。　To　bring　on　the　crisis；　she　said：



〃There　are　days　when　one　sees　clearly；　and　this　is　one　of　them。

Things　must　come　to　a　breaking…point　some　time；　and　it　happens　to

be　to…day。　If　you　want　to　know；　quite　a　little　thing　decided　me

to　speak　to　youwhen　you　wouldn't　play　tennis　with　Freddy。〃



〃I　never　do　play　tennis；〃　said　Cecil；　painfully　bewildered；　〃I

never　could　play。　I　don't　understand　a　word　you　say。〃



〃You　can　play　well　enough　to　make　up　a　four。　I　thought　it

abominably　selfish　of　you。〃



〃No；　I　can'twell；　never　mind　the　tennis。　Why　couldn't

youcouldn't　you　have　warned　me　if　you　felt　anything　wrong？　You

talked　of　our　wedding　at　lunchat　least；　you　let　me　talk。〃



〃I　knew　you　wouldn't　understand；〃　said　Lucy　quite　crossly。　〃I

might　have　known　there　would　have　been　these　dreadful

explanations。　Of　course；　it　isn't　the　tennisthat　was　only　the

last　straw　to　all　I　have　been　feeling　for　weeks。　Surely　it　was

better　not　to　speak　until　I　felt　certain。〃　She　developed　this

position。　〃Often　before　I　have　wondered　if　I　was　fitted　for　your

wifefor　instance；　in　London；　and　are　you　fitted　to　be　my

husband？　I　don't　think　so。　You　don't　like　Freddy；　nor　my　mother。

There　was　always　a　lot　against　our　engagement；　Cecil；　but　all　our

relations　seemed　pleased；　and　we　met　so　often；　and　it　was　no　good

mentioning　it　untilwell；　until　all　things　came　to　a　point。　They

have　to…day。　I　see　clearly。　I　must　speak。　That's　all。〃



〃I　cannot　think　you　were　right；〃　said　Cecil　gently。　〃I　cannot

tell　why；　but　though　all　that　you　say　sounds　true；　I　feel　that

you　are　not　treating　me　fairly。　It's　all　too　horrible。〃



〃What's　the　good　of　a　scene？〃



〃No　good。　But　surely　I　have　a　right　to　hear　a　little　more。〃



He　put　down　his　glass　and　opened　the　window。　　From　where　she

knelt；　jangling　her　keys；　she　could　see　a　slit　of　darkness；　and；

peering　into　it；　as　if　it　would　tell　him　that　〃little　more；〃　his

long；　thoughtful　face。



〃Don't　open　the　window；　and　you'd　better　draw　the　curtain；　too；

Freddy　or　any　one　might　be　outside。〃　He　obeyed。　〃I　really　think

we　had　better　go　to　bed；　if　you　don't　mind。　I　shall　only　say

things　that　will　make　me　unhappy　afterwards。　As　you　say　it　is　all

too　horrible；　and　it　is　no　good　talking。〃



But　to　Cecil；　now　that　he　was　about　to　lose　her；　she　seemed　each

moment　more　desirable。　He　looked　at　her；　instead　of　through　her；

for　the　first　time　since　they　were　engaged。　From　a　Leonardo　she

had　become　a　living　woman；　with　mysteries　and　forces　of　her　own；

with　qualities　that　even　eluded　art。　His　brain　recovered　from　the

shock；　and；　in　a　burst　of　genuine　devotion；　he　cried：　〃But　I　love

you；　and　I　did　think　you　loved　me！〃



〃I　did　not；〃　she　said。　〃I　thought　I　did　at　first。　I　am　sorry；　and

ought　to　have　refused　you　this　last　time；　too。〃



He　began　to　walk　up　and　down　the　room；　and　she　grew　more　and　more

vexed　at　his　dignified　behaviour。　She　had　counted　on　his　being

petty。　It　would　have　made　things　easier　for　her。　By　a　cruel　irony

she　was　drawing　out　all　that　was　finest　in　his　disposition。



〃You　don't　love　me；　evidently。　I　dare　say　you　are　right　not　to。

But　it　would　hurt　a　little　less　if　I　knew　why。〃



〃Because〃a　phrase　came　to　her；　and　she　accepted　it〃you're　the

sort　who　can't　know　any　one　intimately。〃



A　horrified　look　came　into　his　eyes。



〃I　don't　mean　exactly　that。　But　you　will　question　me；　though　I

beg　you　not　to；　and　I　must　say　something。　It　is　that；　more　or

less。　When　we　were　only　acquaintances；　you　let　me　be　myself；　but

now　you're　always　protecting　me。〃　Her　voice　swelled。　〃I　won't　be

protected。　I　will　choose　for　myself　what　is　ladylike　and　right。

To　shield　me　is　an　insult。　Can't　I　be　trusted　to　face　the　truth

but　I　must　get　it　second…hand　through　you？　A　woman's　place！　You

despise　my　motherI　know　you　dobecause　she's　conventional　and

bothers　over　puddings；　but；　oh　goodness！〃she　rose　to　her

feet〃conventional；　Cecil；　you're　that；　for　you　may　understand

beautiful　things；　but　you　don't　know　how　to　use　them；　and　you

wrap　yourself　up　in　art　and　books　and　music；　and　would　try　to

wrap　up　me。　I　won't　be　stifled；　not　by　the　most　glorious　music；

for　people　are　more　glorious；　and　you　hide　them　from　me。　That's

why　I　break　off　my　engagement。　You　were　all　right　as　long　as　you

kept　to　things；　but　when　you　came　to　people〃　She　stopped。



There　was　a　pause。　Then　Cecil　said　with　great　emotion：



〃It　is　true。〃



〃True　on　the　whole；〃　she　corrected；　full　of　some　vague　shame。



〃True；　every　word。　It　is　a　revelation。　It　isI。〃



〃Anyhow；　those　are　my　reasons　for　not　being　your　wife。〃



He　repeated：　〃'The　sort　that　can　know　no　one　intimately。'　It　is

true。　I　fell　to　pieces　the　very　first　day　we　were　engaged。　I

behaved　like　a　cad　to　Beebe　and　to　your　brother。　You　are　even

greater　than　I　thought。〃　She　withdrew　a　step。　〃I'm　not　going　to

worry　you。　You　are　far　too　good　to　me。　I　shall　never　forget　your

insight；　and；　dear；　I　only　blame　you　for　this：　you　might　have

warned　me　in　the　early　stages；　before　you　felt　you　wouldn't　marry

me；　and　so　have　given　me　a　chance　to　improve。　I　have　never　known

you　till　this　evening。　I　have　just　used　you　as　a　peg　for　my　silly

notions　of　what　a　woman　should　be。　But　this　evening　you　are　a

different　person：　new　thoughtseven　a　new　voice〃



〃What　do　you　mean　by　a　new　voice？〃　she　asked；　seized　with

incontrollable　anger。



〃I　mean　that　a　new　person　seems　speaking　through　you；〃　said　he。



Then　she　lost　her　balance。　She　cried：　〃If　you　think　I　am　in　love

with　some　one　else；　you　are　very　much　mistaken。〃



〃Of　course　I　don't　think　that。　You　are　not　that　kind；　Lucy。〃



〃Oh；　yes；　you　do　think　it。　It's　your　old　idea；　the　idea　that　has

kept　Europe　backI　mean　the　idea　that　women　are　always　thinking

of　men。　If　a　girl　breaks　off　her　engagement；　every　one　says：　'Oh；

she　had　some　one　else　in　her　mind；　she　hopes　to　get　some　one

else。'　It's　disgusting；　brutal！　As　if　a　girl　can't　break　it　off

for　the　sake　of　freedom。〃



He　answered　reverently：　〃I　may　have　said　that　in　the　past。　I

shall　never　say　it　again。　You　have　taught　me　better。〃



She　began　to　redden；　and　pretended　to　examine　the　windows　again。

〃Of　course；　there　is　no　question　of　'some　one　else'　in　this；　no

'jilting'　or　any　such　nauseous　stupidity。　I　beg　your　pardon　most

humbly　if　my　words　suggested　that　there　was。　I　only　meant　that

there　was　a　force　in　you　that　I　hadn't　known　of　up　till　now。〃



〃All　right；　Cecil；　that　will　do。　Don't　apologize　to　me。　It　was　my

mistake。〃



〃It　is　a　question　between　ideals；　yours　and　minepure　abstract

ideals；　and　yours　are　the　nobler。　I　was　bound　up　in　the　old

vicious　notions；　and　all　the　time　you　were　splendid　and　new。〃　His

voice　broke。　〃I　must　actually　thank　you　for　what　you　have　done

for　showing　me　what　I　really　am。　Solemnly；　I　thank　you　for

showing　me　a　true　woman。　Will　you　shake　hands？〃



〃Of　course　I　will；〃　said　Lucy；　twisting　up　her　other　hand　in　the

curtains。　〃Good…night；　Cecil。　Good…bye。　That's　all　right。　I'm

sorry　about　it。　Thank　you　very　much　for　your　gentleness。〃



〃Let　me　light　your　candle；　shall　I？〃



They　went　into　the　hall。



〃Thank　you。　Good…night　again。　God　bless　you；　Lucy！〃



〃Good…bye；　Cecil。〃



She　watched　him　steal　up…stairs；　while　the　shadows　from　three

banisters　passed　over　her　face　like　the　beat　of　wings。　On　the

landing　he　paused　strong　in　his　renunciation；　and　gave　her　a

look　of　memorable　beauty。　For　all　his　culture；　Cecil　was　an

ascetic　at　heart；　and　nothing　in　his　love　became　him　like　the

leaving　of　it。



She　could　never　marry。　In　the　tumult　of　her　soul；　that　stood

firm。　Cecil　believed　in　her；　she　must　some　day　believe　in

herself。　She　must　be　one　of　the　women　whom　she　had　praised　so

eloquently；　who　care　for　liberty　and　not　for　men；　she　must　forget

that　George　loved　her；　that　George　had　been　thinking　through　her

and　gained　her　this　honourable　release；　that　George　had　gone

away　intowhat　was　it？the　darkness。



She　put　out　the　lamp。



It　did　not　do　to　think；　nor；　for　the　matter　of　that　to　feel。　She

gave　up　trying　to　understand　herself；　and　the　vast　armies　of　the

benighted；　who　follow　neither　the　heart　nor　the　brain；　and

march　to　their　destiny　by　catch…words。　The　armies　are　full　of

pleasant　and　pious　folk。　But　they　have　yielded　to　the　only　enemy

that　mattersthe　enemy　within。　They　have　sinned　against　passion

and　truth；　and　vain　will　be　their　strife　after　virtue。　As　the

years　pass；　they　are　censured。